I'm sad.
[ Posted Sun, 13 Nov 2011 14:29:51 ]
and I can’t type about it because I’ve had no chance to be alone, which is a good and bad thing. I found some wifi without a security key at this tennis place, so that’s a plus. But I’m still in the car with my mom, and I can’t sit here crying and typing at my sister’s tennis match… So I continue with the making of posts that say I am going to make better posts. xD
I know it all happened fast and unexpectedly. I just. got it in my head and it wouldn’t get out. All night long, on my birthday. But I’ll stop there, I wish to elaborate greatly.
Until next time~
I don't know what to do.
[ Posted Sat, 12 Nov 2011 19:22:28 ]
I’m sad. I don’t think it’s good hanging out with you, because it just makes me want to hug you and kiss you and not be apart from you. But I want to hang out with you.
I will write a much longer post when I am alone and not busy… >.< Going to smoke weed now.
Fuck shit
[ Posted Fri, 11 Nov 2011 08:03:22 ]
they better have pears for breakfast
boyfriends ruin birthdays.
[ Posted Fri, 11 Nov 2011 06:47:53 ]
They always have, and I’m sure they always will.
One might ask, why are you posting on tumblr at 6:45 in the morning.
WHY INDEED.
Perhaps I did not go to sleep at all last night. Perhaps I simply laid there and flailed. Perhaps my eyes hurt very badly. And I have a chemistry test that I need to do great on in a few hours. It is also MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY.
But it’s not important that I sleep on my birthday, oh no. It’s important that you sleep on my birthday.
Tagged with: /sarcasm
It's my birthday.
[ Posted Fri, 11 Nov 2011 02:24:46 ]
I’m still miserable. I still am receiving no attention. I still want all the drugs.
-supposed to go to sleep at twelve-
[ Posted Tue, 08 Nov 2011 23:55:06 ]
-begins writing paper at twelve instead-
x)
Talking to people who are tripping > Writing a paper that is part of an exam grade
[ Posted Tue, 08 Nov 2011 23:19:02 ]
HOLY SHIT
[ Posted Tue, 08 Nov 2011 00:16:29 ]
I JUST REALIZED.
When we coke and smoke, WE CAN MAKEOUT. >D >D >D >D
THAT’S SO EXCITING!
I AM SO EXCITED! YIPEEEE!
I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE LISTEN
[ Posted Mon, 07 Nov 2011 20:42:32 ]
Next time I am high,
[ Posted Mon, 07 Nov 2011 15:54:35 ]
I am going to listen to Such Great Heights with EAR BUDS. Because it like. bounces. xD I am listening to it now, and it was just so cool xD I was like PUT ON MY HIGH LIST. I still wish to spend an entire high in a forest one day xD Not when it is cold though…
Zacry is asleep
[ Posted Sun, 06 Nov 2011 00:55:37 ]
and super duper adorable
I feel tired.
[ Posted Sun, 06 Nov 2011 00:02:54 ]
But not sleepy.
I also almost feel that young, innocent, happy-about-life feeling I sometimes get, but this time it has more to do with Zac than it has before. But it isn’t quite there… maybe it will be there when I combine the two elements, friends and weed plus Zac.
I’ve always wanted to be like Peter Pan.
Reblog this if you love marijuana.
[ Posted Fri, 04 Nov 2011 21:10:27 ]
CHARLOTTE
[ Posted Wed, 02 Nov 2011 05:23:17 ]
Y U SO MAD
It's not just about women though,
[ Posted Wed, 02 Nov 2011 02:57:52 ]
it’s about nearly everybody. How can what seems like the majority of people be oppressed? That’s terrible. Fucking terrible… So many people have to live in fear of violence. So many people are not allowed to do certain things. AND IT’S ACCEPTABLE. IT’S FUCKIN A-OKAY HERE. Holy shit. shit shit shit. I can’t do this. I get very upset about these things.
Tagged with: I'm fucking emotional as shit
bandages:
looking at the feminism tag either empowers me or angers me
right now its both
It definitely usually makes me pretty FUCKIN angry. Or rather, upset. That is a better word.
That reading
[ Posted Wed, 02 Nov 2011 02:52:09 ]
was fucking horrible.
I did not enjoy reading it at all. It just makes me despise people in general. It’s just.. it’s fucking terrible! Talking about all the different forms of oppression, and all of the groups who are oppressed… exploitation, marginalization, powerlessness, culture imperialism, violence.
Goddammit. People say that in today’s world, all people are equal. But they are not even close! Oh my god… the things that people do… the ways in which they oppress others, the reasons… I don’t want to write a fucking paper on this, I want to cry my eyes out.
Tagged with: I don't want to live in this world
Maybe tumblr needs a dislike button too.
[ Posted Tue, 01 Nov 2011 02:21:11 ]
xP
I sincerely wish
[ Posted Mon, 31 Oct 2011 04:42:02 ]
that I could just say ‘fuck it’, and not write this fyec paper. Why have I never been able to do that? On ungraded assignments, I can easily say fuck it. Yet, I always do everything that will be graded. Why? I know it does not matter. I do not believe that completing these assignments has any value. Yet, I do them. Why? It’s like I’m trapped.
I would rather still be crying than doing this. It isn’t even difficult. I just don’t want to do it, because it’s stupid. I am not gaining any knowledge by completing this task. So why the fuck am I doing it?
Goddammit, if only I could answer my own questions.
I also hate everyone.
[ Posted Mon, 31 Oct 2011 03:20:35 ]
Not to mention I have spent over two hours on three chemistry problems because I can’t seem to accept the fact that I will never get them right, and take an 80 for a homework grade (I got one of them right a bit ago). I fucking need a 100. NEED. NEEEEEEEEEED it. I’m not getting an A in any of my classes. I have no idea what I am going to do. To keep my scholarship I need to get all As and Bs. If I start out with all Bs, during EASY FRESHMEN classes, how the fuck can I expect my grades to go up from there? This cannot be happening.. I have never gotten straight Bs before in my life.
I still need to do french and fyec. But instead I will just continue to cry about chemistry and how terrible I am at everything.
I also don’t want facebook to exist.
I also really dislike Halloween, but I will elaborate when I have more time.
WHY THE FUCK AM I SO FUCKING STUPOUDESF / DSFDSFSU FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCKF DFUDKCXGDHCXdfxgdkjx gfdsxdghv zkjvh kjfhdx GODDAMMIT IT’S FRUSTRATING TO BE UNABLE TO EXPRESS ONE’S FEELINGS WITH THE WRITTEN WORD. WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT.
My stomach hurts.
[ Posted Mon, 31 Oct 2011 01:15:00 ]
I want to cry. I want to sleep. I want to not be here. I want to be intelligent. but I’m not.
I don’t know exactly what I am trying to accomplish when I tell people I am good at Math and Science, when I am clIearly not. Do I want to seem smarter? Do I want to pretend I am smarter? Lie to myself, make myself believe it? I think that must be what I have done. I don’t know how I am going to major in chemistry when I am stupid as fuck.
FUCK. KILL ME .
I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT.
I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want anybody. I don’t want to be unhappy, but I continue to make myself unhappy. I don’t want to live, but I am anyways. I guess I don’t want to die that badly. I mean, it isn’t even that I want to die. I just don’t want to live… I actually have a small fear that there is some sort of afterlife. I desperately do not want one. I was talking to Richard about death today. He thinks there is some sort of afterlife, but definitely not exactly like heaven and hell. He was saying how do ghosts exist if there is nothing after death, and stuff like that. And I just keep thinking about it, and if there is something after death, that is JUST like being immortal. I don’t want to be anywhere NEAR that fucking word. That is a terrible word, a terrible thought. Being immortal is just about the worst thing I have ever fucking heard of in my entire life. I JUST WANT IT TO END. Why can’t it just end. Why can’t you just not exist anymore. GONE. DONE. I am fucking done when I die. I want no part in anything further, goddammit. I am almost afraid of dying for the fact that I could find out that there is something else. I just.. I don’t want anymore. I want it to be over.
I have been having many emotional issues recently, it seems. Where I prefer it when Zac does not reply to any of my issues not concerning him, it frightens me a little bit that he has said nothing about the multiple posts about him. Because I don’t know what to do. My emotions are crazy. I’m crazy. I’m upset too often. I cry too much. And I feel like I have no one. But I should feel like I have someone. But I don’t feel like I do. And that is not a good thing at all..
You know, I do post here for a reason. I could just as easily post all of this in my private blog. I would actually prefer that, but I thought that you prefer to read my thoughts. But if you are just going to ignore me, I might as well post in a more secure place, where everything is more organized and easily searchable.
I think that
[ Posted Mon, 31 Oct 2011 01:05:19 ]
I will probably have to marry someone antisocial.
If someone asked me how my night was
[ Posted Sun, 30 Oct 2011 01:28:48 ]
in relation to the people who came through/my level of exhaustion, I would have said it was a pretty good night. Walking to and from was not fun because of the cold, but Ed stayed in my box tonight for more than an hour, so I wasn’t even doing much then. xD And this girl in the break room who was a volunteer was complaining about how he told her she wasn’t doing anything (he’s the talent coach), and I told her that was his job? And then I told Ed, and we bitched about her for a long time, and it was fun. xD There were not many people, so I did not get super tired. My feet still hurt, but that is inevitable.
However, basically the whole night besides when Ed was giving me company, I did not have a good night at all, psychologically. I was thinking of my definition of jealousy. I was also thinking of how when women act how I do, men don’t like it and sometimes leave. Combine those together, and you get a crying Vittoria who is still somehow scaring the heck out of people.
I’ve never worried about Zac not liking me before. I know that when Michelle was on BC, she was always worried about being too nagging and stuff to Sam, because she didn’t want him to stop liking her. This is an extremely legitimate worry that I now possess.
Last night, Richard’s mom was talking about going dancing. She said she loved to go dancing, and she dances with all the boys, gets them all excited, and then leaves them. xD She told me I need to do that, because it’s really fun. I told her I usually have a boyfriend, but I will probably do that when I am single. :P But she was like oh no, you can do that with a boyfriend (I was like D: )! You just don’t tell him! You go to a club with your girlfriends, and tell him you’re having a girls night out! And I told her no way, I would feel bad, and my boyfriend wouldn’t go dancing with other girls. AND SHE LAUGHED. And she said if he got an opportunity to dance with another girl, he would.
Richard’s mommy, why you make me all paranoid? D:
Tagged with: AND SHE CALLED ME INNOCENT D<
I don't know what to do.
[ Posted Sat, 29 Oct 2011 02:34:58 ]
I knew it would end up being like this. I knew it. And yet, somehow, I tricked myself into believing you. Instead of expecting what I had originally thought this would be like, I expected what you said would happen. What you said would change.
With all of the relationship experience I have, you would think that by now I would know not to believe such things that people say, but apparently don’t mean. I take everything you say as true, because everything I tell you is true. I do that for pretty much all of my friends. Michelle always tells me not to trust anyone, and that everyone is a liar. I always tell myself I should listen to the wise Michelle….
I’m sorry. I know you are off in your happyland, doing art and spending all your time with new friends who dress like slutty cowgirls. Really, for the longest time my goals in a relationship seemed to be to make the other person happy, and mostly (or totally) ignore my own feelings. I mean, I never wanted to bother you with my unhappiness before. So why now? I’m not sure. Now that I have started, I cannot stop. Whenever I would complain about the problems I was having with you during high school/summer, everyone, and I mean everyone would tell me I just needed to talk to you. Communication. Yeah, well we see how well that one worked out for me…
So why must I continue? I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how often I have talked to you about this. mentioned it. anything. You told me that things would be different than they are now. You lied to me.
Instead of spending your break with me, you spend it painting bricks and talking about star wars and flirting and who knows what else with someone else. You didn’t even try to see me. I’m just. I am baffled. But of course, I suppose you don’t like me as much as I thought you did.
See, the thing with my definition of the word ‘jealousy’ when it comes to relationships may be a bit different from the standard definition. With relationships, I think of jealousy as something you feel when you believe your significant other likes someone else, or is interested in someone else, or anything close to that. I’m not jealous. I know you like me, and not anyone else. I’m not worried about that. What I don’t know, is how much you like me, because you obviously never want to see me. But you seem to want to see everybody else. You seem to have time for everybody else except me. This is really just something I cannot comprehend. And you haven’t explained it to me yet. That leaves zero chances of me somehow guessing what is going through your crazy boy mind…
I just. I don’t know what to fucking do. I can’t deal with this. I can’t deal with this lack of attention, I can’t deal with the attention going to other people that aren’t me, I can’t deal with not being a part of your life. I just. I don’t know how you can do it. “It’s okay that we aren’t seeing each other for one weekend, we have done it before.” Just because we have done it before, doesn’t mean I like it? Do you really enjoy that? Are you really content with not being with me? I can’t… I can’t keep doing this Zac. I honestly cannot understand how you do what you are doing. Is that what makes you happy? Not seeing me often? Not paying me attention? Having better things to do than deal with me?
You. know. what.
Fuck all that shit. I just realized something. I am going to be fucking unhappy no matter what. I would rather be unhappy with you, than without you.
Tagged with: that last thing sounds like the kind of thinking that goes on when I am high, I should get high more often. xP
I would actually enjoy sleeping at this moment
[ Posted Fri, 28 Oct 2011 02:34:00 ]
So that I will not wake up three minutes before my first class starts. But who am I kidding? Am I going to go to sleep? No. Am I going to be late/almost late for calculus tomorrow morning? Certainly.
As it turns out, they have changed the requirements for a chemistry major. Now, instead of CHEM 122, I must take CHEM 200. SURPRISE, IT’S AT THE SAME TIME AS CONVERSATION FRENCH. Oh, joy. I am going to try and convince madame to let me take civilization first, because there is no way I want to wait another year to take conversation (It’s only offered in the spring, I believe). I need to take at least one french class every semester, if I ever hope to get even close to mastering the language. What the fuck is up with this schedule business. If I can’t take french, at least I can knock my sociology requirement out of the way with disabilities in america. Of course, I may be able to convince the registrar that I should be allowed to take five classes… but I doubt it. >.> BUT I NEED FRENCH. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I can’t take any other chem classes without 200. I don’t think I can take much without conversation french though… I don’t think conversation is required for civ though. BUT THEN WHAT SHALL I DO NEXT FALL FOR FRENCH. FUCK. Why doesn’t anything work out for me?
I am having multiple problems at one time, as always. I am sick of this.
But, if I was happy all the time, wouldn’t that be boring? Sort of like how heaven sounds to me, I suppose.
That’s just fucked up. Reminds me of The Matrix when Smith explains how they tried to make a utopia as the matrix at first, but the human minds could not process it. They could not accept such a happy, problem-free world. I suppose that would be true, if it were to ever happen.
But still. That’s fucked up.
But okay, it’s impossible, especially for me, to be happy all the time. But lets say I was happy a lot of the time. Wouldn’t that be almost the same? Wouldn’t it sort of be like a limit, where I was approaching happiness all the time, so that the result is the same as if I was happy all the time?
SO THE WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT. WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE.
Oh fuck! I don’t even know what to do anymore! What can I do? What am I doing? I suppose I am attempting to go through life how I am ‘supposed’ to. I don’t think it’s working out too well.
I was high today, and I went out on the swings. I did not actually swing very much, but instead felt how wonderful it was to be outside. I watched the leaves swirl as they fell from the trees in the wind that was passing through. It was all very peaceful, when I realized how alone I was. I thought to myself, that this was how my life would forever be. I don’t like it. I don’t like being alone. But I am rather picky about the people who I wish to be with so that I am not alone. And yet, I feel no connection. It is as if I am using them all for distraction, constant distraction because that is what I seem to want. to crave, even. Is it worth living, to be alive, only so that I am distracted and cannot think about my true, unhappy thoughts? What kind of life is worth living if all that exists are constant distractions? What kind is worth living if all that exists is misery? I have no escape, I have nothing besides these two options. The things that occur in my life are either a distraction, or the upsetting truth. Most things I would consider a distraction. Distractions can of course occur while I am miserable, that simply means the distraction is not very good… But really, I can’t think to classify anything I do into one of those two categories. Distraction and thought. Unhappy thought. Very unhappy thought.
I don’t want to be late to math class tomorrow. I want to go to sleep. Wake up. Pack my shit, get dressed. Perhaps eat breakfast. Go to math class, and NOT fall asleep. Because I usually do, and I feel very rude, although I know everything we are learning about anyways.
Sometimes I feel like even some of the feelings I feel are distractions. Even if some of those feelings are not good, they still aren’t worse than what I feel overall, about living. It’s like, I feel upset, but it’s about a trivial matter so it can’t make me feel as miserable as I usually do. Although, I don’t know. Because when I am upset about something trivial, it usually leads to something much bigger, something like what I usually think about when I am depressed. Like what just happened in this post.
Fuckity fuck fuck.
I will never find a solution, or reason, to any of this.
Tagged with: I can't sleep when I am more miserable than normal
I was talking to Sam last night
[ Posted Fri, 28 Oct 2011 02:07:42 ]
He said he was tempted to transfer to Marymount. He is quite happy I convinced Michelle to come down for my birthday, because she wasn’t planning to come until Thanksgiving. Poor, poor Sam. We discussed how much better it would be if him, Michelle, Zac, and I attended the same school.
But wait. It’s actually a lot of fun to not feel a part of someone’s life.
Tagged with: /sarcasm
Unhappy.
[ Posted Fri, 28 Oct 2011 01:54:54 ]
All the time.
Why do I even bother.
When I am upset with you
[ Posted Thu, 27 Oct 2011 20:34:30 ]
You should probably not argue with me about how you were in the right. You should probably agree with me about how you were wrong.
Just throwing that out there.
I'm high.
[ Posted Thu, 27 Oct 2011 01:50:04 ]
So, I want to cry about how much I like Zac instead of how upset I am at him.
XD
lol marijuana, you’re silly. !
A whole shit ton of my least favorite things.
[ Posted Thu, 27 Oct 2011 01:24:00 ]
Miya
Everything you do with any girl that isn’t me (I’m not saying don’t hang out with them. You of course can, but not alone. Even though I know you do that one too. Don’t fucking tell me, GODDAMMIT. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT ANYMORE)
Your college tumblr (I like it, but my feelings don’t). At first, I suppose I viewed your college blog as another blog for me. I mean, it was obviously for you, but I also felt as if it were for me, if you understand what that means.? I soon started to feel differently. It did not feel as if it were for me anymore at all, it felt like it was for everyone else except me. I continue to feel this way. I love seeing your work, don’t get me wrong. I’m just a selfish bitch, I suppose. One who doesn’t feel like she is a very big part of your life.
ALL THE GIRLS
in the world
VCU
The fact that you have allergies. I fucking love trees. Your allergies are stupid.
My life. har har har I had to be cliche. Okay, just kidding. MY MIND
Mostly everyone at RMC
Mostly everyone in the world
Especially myself
Money. Just the fact that everyone is so dependent on it, even me. It’s like. disgusting. Ugh. I’m disgusted by the amount of things I buy with said money. I can’t stand what I have become.
Not being able to smoke whenever I want to
Existing
Being a girl
When you don’t talk to me
Which is all the time
The amount of things I dislike
The reasons behind my least favorite things - there are none
Not having an NES to play Crystalis, because I don’t have it on my emulator either. D:
The fact that I am upset about not owning a game.
Goddamn materialistic crap. And yet, I seem to want it all. Disgusting, that’s what I am. SICK
Miya. It’s a good thing I consider her not very attractive. Of course, I probably consider myself more attractive than I should. I am very egotistical about my looks.
The balance of me liking my face/hair as opposed to me detesting my mind/feelings/etc. What the fuck is up with that.
This list could go on forever!
It just might.
When I was planning to write this a few days ago, I had a whole list of things having to do with Zac that I disliked and was planning to tell him. I know I missed a lot, but I can’t even remember them right now. Too much going on. Too little importance.
All the sudden, just like that, I don’t feel quite as bad as I did before. I am heading off to smoke some weed, bitches.
Side note: I like Zac quite a lot. Much more so then I could ever think about. Because it’s a feeling, not a thought… It’s the things that he does that I don’t quite agree with. Then again, my version of a relationship seems to be much different from many, many other people’s….
I AM GOING TO GET STONED AND WATCH CRYSTALIS VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE BECAUSE I HAVE NO LIFE . And probably eat food and get fat.
One of my favorite things
[ Posted Thu, 27 Oct 2011 00:52:42 ]
(honestly, this is not sarcasm) that Zacry does, is not ever reply to my very depressing posts, or my posts about not living long. I really do appreciate it. I don’t know why I wish for him to remain silent, but I do. I don’t want him to get involved in those thoughts, I suppose. But who knows? Not me, of course. I know almost nothing about my own mind.
I'm not sure
[ Posted Thu, 27 Oct 2011 00:47:22 ]
What I’m doing here. Or what matters. Or why I feel the way I do. Or what matters.
When I think about it, really think about it, I really believe that nothing matters. And I wish to know something that matters, and how you decide what things are important and why and how you do this, and I really just have so many questions that will forever be unanswered, because I highly doubt my older self will discover the answer to them. That is a terrible sentence with too many commas. Is that important? No. Is the fact that I don’t know what matters important? No.
If I were to ask such a question like, does it matter that Miya made my Zac a bowtie instead of me, I would answer no. Of course that is of unimportance. Although this is true, why do I feel the way I do? If I were to ask, does it matter that Zac ignores me all day long every day, I would naturally answer no. Yet, I feel in a way that does not correspond to my thoughts, and thus I am confused.
I think that’s really what gets me. My thoughts do not correspond to my feelings. or my actions. It seems like all three are disconnected. Sometimes I act in ways I do not think are meaningful or acceptable, and sometimes I act in ways that my feelings do not match my actions. I’m broken. This happens all the time.
Although, my feelings do match up with my thoughts a lot, especially about sad things.
I was going to make you a bowtie for christmas. Hand sew it and everything. It was going to be special. But now, it wouldn’t be. So I am not going to. It doesn’t bother me that my decision seems childish, because the moment you said she made you a bowtie, the connection that I have with your bowties was lost. Gone. I don’t expect you to understand such trivial matters, because you never do. You don’t understand why what may seem ‘small’ actions to you seem much larger to me. Of course, both of us are then confused to why these actions you do are important, and I truthfully couldn’t answer if you asked me. Because I don’t consider anything important. It is sort of the same deal with going to a museum with another girl. First of all, you should’t be hanging out with just one other girl, and especially not to a place where we went together, to celebrate something special. Once again, I cannot tell you the meaning behind my feelings, because my mind does not support them.
This may sound contradicting to many people, but I have now figured out that my feelings tend to somehow function much separately from my mind, so much that they contradict each other from time to time. I certainly am not okay with this, but because there is nothing to do about it, I shall accept it and confuse anyone who reads these. Which is mostly Zac. Or at least, I think he reads them. How should I know what he does anymore? It isn’t like I am very involved with his life.
It isn’t like I am very involved with anyone’s life. Not even really my own.
I don’t think I can get high tonight. I really believe I will continue to sob, because it isn’t like I have stopped yet. Why would I stop when I was high? What happened the night before Zac went to college reminds me that weed can in no way stop me from crying. If I am destined to weep all night long, then that is what will happen, whether I am high or sober. But I would really fucking like to.
Yeah, I don’t think I’ll live long.
Woe is me
[ Posted Thu, 27 Oct 2011 00:28:51 ]
Woe woe woe woe woe.
That is quite an odd word. If you look at a word long enough, or often enough, the letters start to look strange, almost foreign. This happens to me a lot. I wish I could say why.
I am very unhappy
[ Posted Thu, 27 Oct 2011 00:25:13 ]
and I don’t think it will ever stop.
Goddammit
[ Posted Thu, 27 Oct 2011 00:17:16 ]
Now I don’t even know if I can smoke. Because if I do, I will probably just weep. And that is not a good time when I am high. It’s just fucking weird feeling. But I’m pretty sure it will happen. But I would really like to smoke some fucking weed. Maybe I’ll watch a Miyazaki movie or something. That should distract me. Or perhaps I will sob the night away…
Tagged with: it's probably the latter, fuck
All alone.
[ Posted Wed, 26 Oct 2011 23:54:26 ]
forever.
Hmmmm
[ Posted Wed, 26 Oct 2011 22:43:00 ]
I have no friends, and I seem to be unaffected by this. Because I found that so odd, I tried to be sad about this fact. But I’m not… I mean, I do have friends, they just aren’t at Randolph-Macon. But I feel like I should want to have friends there. But I don’t. xD I just want Zac.
But he isn’t paying me any attention. doesn’t want me. So I am going to smoke weed and feel better. xD cry all night long.
Tagged with: editing this makes it more true, even though it was already true
The smell
[ Posted Mon, 24 Oct 2011 23:50:44 ]
in this room is making me sick. And making me have a headache. and my internet is being super fucking retarded, so I have to be plugged into the thing, I can’t use the wireless. I just want to punch Randolph Macon’s internet.
I have choir songs stuck in my head.
I think one of the big reasons I like Ewan McGregor so much is because Zac does.
I wanna lay in my bed, but the cord doesn’t reach. D< I will probably get off the internet soon, because I don’t feel like being at my desk.
I just want to talk to Zac. I’m tired. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT I WANT. Because I don’t know. And sometimes I don’t care. And sometimes I think I don’t want to do anything. Sometimes I realize that some of the things that I think don’t really match up. Fuck.
Someone was playing a ukulele outside in the courtyard today. I told him about that asian guy that we watched on youtube. There seems to be many things that remind me of you.
I really enjoyed watching The Matrix today. I seriously forgot how fucking cool that movie is. I remember the other ones not being as great though…
I may watch Star Wars tonight. THE NEW ONES. :O
I started writing this post with a purpose in mind, but apparently I forgot it. xP DAMMIT. Oh well. I give up. xP
My stomach hurts.
[ Posted Mon, 24 Oct 2011 00:54:01 ]
So does my head. And my feeeeet.
So, Anthony isn’t my friend anymore. It’s alright though, because I am not so keen on having twelve year old girls as friends anyways.
Michelle’s mom decided to bring her home tonight, so she doesn’t have to ride the train tomorrow. Instead of riding back with Anthony and having Michelle meet me there, I decide to ride with Michelle and her mom and I told Anthony he could go home without us. Then he gets all butthurt, and texts me saying I need a ride for next weekend, because he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. xD
First of all, who does that kind of shit over a text? And second of all, who the fuck does that shit anyways? XD I DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE THE KIND OF PERSON YOU ARE. I wonder, what kind of person I am… I wasn’t aware I had a ‘kind’. I do agree that I am not the best person ever, as I don’t even like myself.. But the ‘kind’ of person I am, that’s a tricky one. I hate when people have to be all immature and do things over text. Man up and do this shit in person. Texting drama is one of my pet peeves.
However, I am really more peeved about the fact that he owes me five dollars and refuses to pay me. I suppose I have learned my lesson about being generous with my money. Five dollars a weekend is way too much to pay someone who is not going out of their way at all to take you somewhere, but I thought it would be a nice thing to do. I guess it didn’t ‘pay’ off. ha ha ha. xP
Ah well. I’m not missing out on much. I don’t think I’m too cut out for having friends at R-MC. I’ve never really felt the desire before this to have ‘me’ time, but I suppose that is what I feel now. I am always so busy with school, and I just want to go to my room and do nothing. I want to hang out with Zac. I like going over Mally’s house. But there’s nothing else to do, really. I don’t know. I feel like being alone, when I have the time.
I reallllly want my sister to go to R-MC, so we can live in an apartment. That would be freaking wonderful. I could have everything I wanted. It would be like living on my own, and going to school at the same time. Although my parents are paying for most of my expenses… xP Hehe. It gives me the opportunity to save up for future expenses! I may work at KD as a lifeguard over the summer, so I have an excellent chance to be a Haunt supervisor next year. If we got an apartment, I would learn to drive, no matter how scary it is. I need to do it. Living like that, on our own, would be very good for us, I think. Goddammit! It would just be so nice! I can already tell I will be disappointed if she chooses George Mason. =/
I was kinda
[ Posted Sun, 23 Oct 2011 23:33:36 ]
looking forward to staying up all night with Michelle. But, this is much more convenient. I really do enjoy going to Mally’s house and sleeping over. It just makes me feel like that’s how we are all going to end up; living in the same house together because it makes rent way cheaper. It doesn’t sound that bad to me. It doesn’t sound bad at all. Constant distraction, and good ones at that.
I don’t like when Zac does things with other girls that he should do with me, if only I was there. I think that’s why it upsets me. Because I should be with Zac. I should be there to do those things with him. Go to the art museum, paint stolen bricks, run around everywhere, and whatever else they all do. Even just normal things, like watching everything Ewan Mcgregor. I want to be young with him. Do all the things that we do in our youth.. That’s what’s missing. That’s why it seems so far away. I just want to do everything with him, I want to share everything…
I really don’t want to do my homework. I’m not looking forward to this, now that Michelle isn’t here… It was going to be fun. And now it won’t be, because I have to go to sleep, and wake up at 8. WOOHOO.
I wish someone was awake at 4:30 am.
[ Posted Fri, 21 Oct 2011 04:27:06 ]
Or rather, I wish that I wasn’t.
LIFE
[ Posted Fri, 21 Oct 2011 03:51:42 ]
WHAT AM I DOING WITH YOU
Tagged with: LIFE, GODDAMN YOU
IF I HAVE TO TAKE
[ Posted Thu, 20 Oct 2011 19:06:50 ]
ALL OF THESE FUCKING HARD CLASSES, AND BASICALLY FIVE CLASSES A SEMESTER,
I REALLY FUCKING NEED TO BE ABLE TO SMOKE WEED.
PLEASE ENA. COME TO RANDOLPH MACON SO WE CAN HAVE AN APARTMENT SO I CAN SMOKE WEED. FUCKKKK PLEASEEEE I NEED IT! D:
I just want to minor in three things.
[ Posted Thu, 20 Oct 2011 17:25:00 ]
Why can’t I do that? xD I don’t want to major. GODDAMMIT. TOO MUCH.
I don’t think I could major in math, it’s really hard. And, what would I do with that?
I don’t think I could major in chemistry, it’s really hard.
Majoring in french? What would I even do with that, if it were possible FOR me to do that. I suck too much.
Truthfully, the other day I was going insane because I knew I had done really bad on my chemistry exam. I was like what the fuck, I can’t major in this, if I can’t even get straight As in the GENERAL CHEMISTRY class. Then in Chemistry lab, A few of my classmates and I were discussing the test. The lab assistant, who is a chemistry major student, jumped in and spoke directly to me about my concerns. I told her how all I did on one problem was make one thing negative and the other positive when they were supposed to be the other way around, and I got four points off. I think I am used to math class, where you get most of the points if you show you KNOW HOW to do the problem correctly, even if you messed up on a few small things. That wasn’t my only problem on the test, but it was the one I thought that was graded most unfairly. I also told her my fears of being unable to succeed in other chemistry classes when I wasn’t doing the best in gen chem. She somehow knew I was thinking of majoring in chemistry, but I don’t know how she knew that. xD CREEPIN.
Anyways, when she (if only I could remember her name!) was talking to me, she told me how you don’t even need to remember everything from gen chem, because in advanced classes they do short reviews before going over new stuff. They don’t just expect you to remember it all. Also, she told me of a story of a girl who got a C- in gen chem, but went on to be a chem major, and had the highest GPA of all the other chem majors. I’m usually not so inspired when other people try to cheer me up, but it was the manor in which she spoke, I suppose, that gave me much more hope. I am not so discouraged any longer…
I’m certainly not going to get a C, but trying to get an A is going to be very, very hard with my last test grade. I’ve calculated many ways to see how I would be able to bring up my grade to an A. The thing is, I have to get a really good grade on the final exam. I mean, I could get a high B on the exam and I believe still get an A, but that is going to be super hard. I am fucking terrible at final exams. In high school I didn’t really give a fuck, because they are only 1/7th of your grade, and they weren’t THAT hard, except math. xP But college exams count for more, and they are just as hard as my math ones were.
Also, lab. What the fuck. I got a 9/10 on my last one because I forgot to write a fucking conclusion. Why the fuck am I so retarded? xD Those are the kinds of things I do to cause me to get low grades. I do stupid fucking shit because I don’t pay attention, and my mind is on other things. I have difficulty focusing. I wish I could have aderall. xD My friend across the hall was telling me about it, and she said that she got a prescription for it and it’s amazing and super helpful. I’m so fucking jealous. xD I’ve always wanted to try and get some, but I’ve never been to the doctors by myself. She said it’s easier to get it from a therapist, but I don’t wanna have one of those. :P GODDAMMIT. WANT DRUGS.
So basically, I have to try and get all 10s for the rest of my labs. Because for one lab, I forgot the uncertainty analysis, and got a 9/10. AND THAT LAB COUNTED TWICE FUCK. Really, I did uncertainty analysis, I just mixed it in with everything else and didn’t have a separate section for it BUT APPARENTLY THAT’S WRONG. Dammit. Lab counts as 20%, but I’m pretty sure I can get the grade I need to in that. The real problems are the final exam, and the next two in-class exams. If I can just get high Bs or low As on both of those exams, then I can manage a low B in the final exam, as long as I have a pretty solid A in lab. Because with homework and quizzes, I have a super fucking high A, so that should really help me. That’s 20%. The problem is, the in class exams are 40%. and I fucking fucked up on the last one. GODAMMIT. It bothers me SO incredibly much that one exam may cause me to get a fucking B in this class. I DON’T WANT A B. I WANT AN AAAAA. AN AAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I want ALL OF THE AS
FUCK
[ Posted Thu, 20 Oct 2011 03:42:00 ]
I just. I just like you so goddamn much! I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I feel how I feel. About everything, not just attention. I’m sorry I’m so fucking miserable and depressed and negative. I just. GODDAMMIT.
I don’t know what to do. I mean, I definitely don’t NOT want to be with you. I want to be with you. I want to be with you too much, and that is sometimes the problem.
I think it’s my own fault. I think I need friends, I think I need weed. I don’t have either of those things here, really. I mean, I do. I have friends, I just don’t hang out with them, which is my own fault. It’s something I can’t explain. It’s not exactly that I don’t want to hang out with them, I just never do?
And I just. I want somewhere to smoke weed. I didn’t realize this was going to be such an issue at college. I’m not addicted or anything, but it would really help me out. I’m more miserable than I thought I would be, here, and I want to make it all better. I was thinking again today how if I made a suicide note, a great big chunk of it would be about weed. So hopefully someone would read it, and be enlightened or some shit, and to try and help my family understand…
But now I’m getting off track. I started this post to talk about how much I liked you, but it didn’t turn out how I planned it to. xD
Alright, here’s the thing. I don’t feel like that shit all the time. I mean, I don’t feel neglected all the time. Even when you are neglecting me, sometimes I seem okay with it. I don’t know why it just gets to me sometimes. I mean, it gets to me a lot more often than I post about it, but I feel the need to post about it when it gets really bad. But that’s only for a little? Like even before you came back from being out with da boyz I was okay again.. I just want you to know it isn’t a continuous feeling, it more comes in spurts and such. Which makes it a little more bearable, but still not desirable. Sometimes the ‘spurts’ last a long time, too, it just depends…
I just. fuck, man. I like you so much, and I don’t even know why. I know that’s bad. I’m sorry. I could say you are really fucking adorable, you’re intelligent and creative, which are all true things, but they aren’t why I like you so much. I JUST DON’T KNOW WHY. XD I know I’ve said something on this subject before… I just, I can’t explain my feelings towards you, or why I have them. Which is irritating, because I want you to feel this. I want you to know. I want you to feel my feelings, to understand how I feel towards you. I think that would make things so much better…
Now I don’t know what to talk about. I should go to bed. XD I just. I want you to know how much I like you, but I can’t get you to understand… It’s a difficult thing, emotion. ANYWAYS GOODNIGHT DEAR. I’M SORRY I’M CRAZY.
….crazy for you! ;D
I'm sorry.
[ Posted Thu, 20 Oct 2011 01:12:00 ]
For being all clingy and shit. and needy. and demanding all of the attention. I really, really am. But do you understand why I do it? The less attention you pay me, the more I want it. The more I am going to bother you, and be upset, and whine, and be a bad girlfriend.
I’m not mad right now, but I wanted to just type some stuff out. What has been happening recently (not extremely recently, I’m talking about shortly after we started college.) is exactly the reason I broke up with you before we went to college. For awhile there, you had me going. You had proved me wrong. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment, or the exact action that you took to change things. It didn’t happen like that, it didn’t happen in one instant with one thing that you did. It did happen fairly early, however… But I’ve already described this in previous posts, and that’s not exactly what I came here to write about anyways.
Honestly, there were days during the summer where I felt sincerely justified in wishing to end it early. If you acted like that when we had all the time in the world, then how could I expect you to act any differently when we had no time at all? In those days, I was almost happy that I wouldn’t be getting upset about being neglected anymore.
I’ve never had a very good balance of attention in relationships. Omar liked me more than I liked him, and wanted more attention than I could provide. Trust me, if I was like Omar was, you wouldn’t be able to stand me. I am nothing compared to him, because I have tried to learn from other’s mistakes, but apparently that still hasn’t gotten me what I wanted. I suppose the closest to a balance would be with Hunter, but then again, we were young and everything that came out of his mouth was a lie, so how do I know? I probably liked him more than he liked me truthfully, but because I believed all of his bullshit, it felt like a balance. xD (Er, but that isn’t exactly the way to go… I stopped doing that. I did that when I was younger, tell myself what I wanted to believe…) With Jayson, we switched but there was never a balance. For the longest time I liked him more, and yearned for attention that he would not give. Ask me exactly why I liked him more, and I could never tell you the answer… >.> After we broke up and got back together, however, he started being super clingy and obsessive and always wanted to be with me… and I guess that’s when I realized how worthless he was… That’s mean. He’s nice. Sort of. He’s just.. a simpleton. I feel bad for him. xP BUT THAT ISN’T THE POINT. I keep meaning to write a post about pity, but I shall eventually… or have I already? o.O
I suppose the point is (of the above paragraph, at least) that I have never had a truly balanced relationship, and that is really something I would like to have. It’s nearly impossible, though. I can’t make you change how you feel. I can’t make you change what you want. I know you hate it when I say this, but right now I can’t help it… I honestly can’t believe that you like me just as much as I like you when you act the way you do. I can’t do it. It makes no sense in my mind, no matter how much I yearn for it to. I know people have different ways of expressing feelings, but I’m pretty sure neglect has never been a form of showing someone how much you like them.
I know you have school work. I know you have friends. But wait, don’t I have those things too? Perhaps I don’t hang out with friends as much as you do (which actually surprises me. But it’s okay, because they are boys. I mean, you may actually hang out with girls all the time, but I choose not to know so don’t tell me). Perhaps sometimes, your school work means more to you than mine does to me. But those two things don’t give you the excuse to place me so low on your priority list. I can’t believe you didn’t even tell me you had break. But I especially can’t believe that you aren’t utilizing that time to come see me. You have projects to do? Do you think I don’t have homework to do when I come visit you? I’m doing all of the homework I can tomorrow that I know is due Monday, so that I can come see you this weekend. But of course, you can’t do the same for me. I came to see you on my break when you HAD CLASSES, so I didn’t even get to see you the whole time. I don’t even have anything going on tomorrow. We could have spent a whole day together. I could have given you the weekend to work on your homework. I had to fucking force you to let me come over this weekend. You said no, initially. That you had homework. My mother told me that you didn’t want to see me, and I told her that I would come over anyways. We’re gonna spend like FIVE FUCKING HOURS together, how the fuck is that going to hinder you working on your project…
Okay, okay. Michelle just called me and I have calmed down. I apologize, I did began to get a little upset. And I know when I get high (like recently with Mally and Ryan (and Patrick the last time) or even before college with Michelle and others), I don’t really respond to you or talk to you much, but how often is that? I’m not asking you to always drop everything to talk to me (although I pretty much do that for you), but you just.. you can’t keep going the way you are going. You know, even when I come to visit you, sometimes it’s like I’m not even there. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do to get you to BE with me. Really be with me, and I don’t really know how to phrase that in another way…
The worst part is is that you don’t seem to want to want me. I’ve said this a million times, but you still don’t seem to get it. I don’t want you to talk to me because I WANT YOU TO. I want you to talk to me because YOU want me to. That’s why I get upset. But I can’t change that. If I tell you to pay me more attention, and you do, that isn’t because YOU want to. It’s because I want you to. There’s a difference, and boys don’t seem to get this. I don’t know what else to tell you, man. I’ve repeated plenty of these things already, but like I’ve said, there is no way for me to change your feelings. You can’t really do that either, so I don’t know what I am asking of you.
I don’t know what I want. I don’t know why I feel this way. I don’t know why I get so upset with you. I’m not sure why these things affect me so much, because I don’t even know what makes me happy. I can’t say for sure that you paying me attention makes me happy. I don’t even think I can claim to know what happiness is. I don’t know why little things like this bother me when I’m miserable about so many other things already. This just seems like something I should be chill about and not mind too much. But it isn’t, and it confuses me. I don’t know what I wish to gain out of getting attention from you. I suppose this paragraph is sort of contradictory to everything else I have said, but I am just spilling my feelings. Honestly, you giving me what I want probably won’t even make me happy. It may make me less miserable. It would probably create more of a distraction, because I wouldn’t be alone with my thoughts. But I really can’t say it would make me happy, so you know what. Fuck all this. Don’t even listen to me. If I can’t be happy, at least you can. And if you are happy neglecting me, please continue to do so. If you have more important things that make you happier than I make you, please pay more attention than them and not me. Because when I think about it, it’s pointless to give me what I want, because in the end I still won’t be happy.
Fuck that paragraph below this one. I wrote it before, but then I wanted to add stuff in the middle because that one sounded like a good last paragraph. I’m only keeping it there because I did write it, and when I was writing it, I felt what it says I felt. Even if I don’t feel that way at this moment, it’s important to record my feelings, even if it may be confusing to others, or even myself. Just. Fuck this whole fucking post, man. I hope you had a great fucking night, because I certainly didn’t.
I just wanted to let you know, that you are proving me right. You are proving my fears of staying with you during college to be correct. I’m not threatening you or anything, I just want you to know that what I predicted came true. It is a little better than I expected, I will admit that. But I feel as if I am exerting SO MUCH MORE effort into our relationship than you are, and it isn’t the best feeling in the world. And you.. you said you would try your hardest. You promised. And I’m sorry, but if this is your hardest… It’s not good enough.
I just saw
[ Posted Wed, 19 Oct 2011 01:30:41 ]
Ewan Mcgregor have sex. In a movie, of course.
Naturally, that just makes me want to have sex with Zac.
GODDAMMIT.
…or at least, just naked Zac would be nice. ^w^
Tagged with: mmm naked Zac
"While our blood's still young, it's so young, it runs"
[ Posted Tue, 18 Oct 2011 23:00:59 ]
I think I’ve noticed a slight trend to the moments when I don’t feel as miserable as I usually do. I feel young. Carefree, in a sense. I think that’s why I love the song Sweet Disposition so much. It makes me feel like the rest of my life may be like that, and that’s a good thing. I can’t really explain it though, and I feel as if the reasoning for that is that I am not used to such a feeling. I can’t explain something that is so fleeting…
I’m not sure right now anyways, because I am not feeling that way as of now. xD I was just thinking about how nice it would be to feel that way…
I just watched UP
[ Posted Tue, 18 Oct 2011 04:11:12 ]
and cried for basically an hour and a half. xP
I don’t know what to do now. This is one of those times where I realllly wish Zac was awake. I would like to be with my dear Zacry right now…
I don’t know. This is one of those rare moments where I am not actually completely miserable at such a late hour. It feels very odd… I suppose because it’s so uncommon. I wish I could explain this better. I guess I could say the future doesn’t seem as glum as it usually does.
I don’t know. I’m crazy.
I just really like Zac.
FUCKING COLLEGE
[ Posted Mon, 17 Oct 2011 21:29:49 ]
Because of Zac, I now wish to download a bunch of movies that Ewan Mcgregor is in, but I CAN’T. AND I WANT TO WATCH THEM ALL. BWAHHHHHHDAMMIT.
I can't sleep.
[ Posted Mon, 17 Oct 2011 02:56:00 ]
My eyeballs hurt.
I don’t know what to do. I wish I didn’t think so much. About living. And how I don’t want to be.
It’s really just… it’s not fun. But it’s what I think, it’s how I feel. And no matter how hard I try, I just can’t change it. I want to go to fucking sleep so I wont be tired tomorrow, but now I can’t do that because I am requiring a distraction so that I won’t pour salt into my healing piercings.
Fuck this. I should have taken benadryll. It makes me tired.
TAKE ALL THE DRUGS.
I was thinking again today, about how people use chemically produced drugs everyday and think they are okay, but weed isn’t okay. Even though it’s natural. And wonderful. I just. I really can’t comprehend why people think it’s so bad. The answers you receive from people are just terrible reasons, and I want to know why it’s really so bad. All I get is “It’s illegal”. and/or “It kills brain cells”. That is literally IT. I have heard no other reasons for why people consider this drug ‘bad’. It’s just really fucking pissing me off at this point, because I can’t even fucking smoke weed. I can’t take drugs that make me feel better, but other people can take drugs that make them feel better. That isn’t fucking fair. Just because they are feeling physical pain, and I am feeling emotional pain, I get the worst end of the deal. You know what, I much prefer physical pain to emotional pain. BUT OH WAIT, weed makes that shit feel better too. Got a headache, smoke some weed. Stomach hurts, smoke some weed (but not too much)… Sore, smoke some weed. BUT NO. I CAN’T DO THAT. I can’t take a drug that makes me feel better and has virtually no negative side effects (except when I eat too much and my stomach hurts the next day. xD But that is my own damn fault lulululul). Instead, I have to sit here and be fucking miserable. I have to think about how I don’t want to live. I have to feel my ear hurting, and my arms and legs being sore from working. I’m not allowed to use harmless means to make myself feel better. That’s just a load of fucking bullshit.
I was thinking of how I would write a long message when/if I were to kill myself in the future. It was difficult, because I could never convey my feelings into words. When I imagine doing this, I always include a few key things, but the details change every time. I always apologize to my parents for spending so much money on me, when I just end up killing myself. I honestly feel bad about such a thing, because it seems like such a waste, or at least I feel it would seem that way to them (although they would never say it). I always say that I don’t want anyone to be sad, and I don’t want a funeral. That would just give people more reason to be sad. Tonight I thought about how I wouldn’t want to be on the news. I always imagine showing this to my parents (well, someone else would do it. It’s always Zac in my mind, but if I were to kill myself, I would most definitely not be dating him any longer. That would be terrible! I don’t think I could do that to him… so I don’t know who it would be, but it would be someone). I find that part hilarious, because they would read all this stuff about sex and drugs and shit and they couldn’t even get mad. xD Tonight I thought that I should add to whoever read this first to NOT notify anyone until the deed was done, and if they did I would be fucking pissed off and if I was determined, it would happen eventually anyways, but the sooner the better! I always apologize for being so selfish. I wouldn’t want it to make such a huge impact on someone else’s life, but I can’t keep living (if I don’t want to) just so someone else isn’t sad. Really, the worst part about it all would be the effect it had on everyone else. But, that isn’t my fault. Like, I can’t control that. I wish I could. I wish if that were to happen, that I could just erase everyone’s memories of me, so that nobody could be sad, and I could just stop existing and there would be no more depression. xP But that isn’t how it works, unfortunately…
I really do think about this too much, and I’m sorry for being so terribly inconsiderate. Especially to you, Zac. I’m sure you don’t enjoy reading things such as this. But I need to put it down, and you need to know how I feel, but I still apologize. Ah, goddammit.
I keep envisioning it not working somehow, and they pay all this fucking money to fix me, and ship me off to a place where I can’t try anything, and I’m even more miserable than I was before… Like, I just think if someone wants to kill themselves, fucking let them. You aren’t doing them any favors by forcing them to live a depressing life. But maybe that’s just me. Maybe some people do need saving.
I don’t even want to put the effort into typing up why I feel this way… The right words elude me anyways, so there is no point in attempting to explain the unexplainable. That isn’t a word…. ah well. I just want to be happy. I just want something or someone or my fucking self to PROVE ME WRONG. GODDAMMIT! DO IT! PLEASE! SHOW ME THAT I CAN FEEL HAPPINESS. SHOW ME WHY I SHOULD WANT TO LIVE, DAMMIT! I JUST WANT TO BE FREE! WHY CAN’T I FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT?! WHY CAN’T I FEEL WHAT I WISH TO FEEL? drsixfhrudsgh FUCK THIS. I JUST WANT TO GIVE UP. And I fucking will, too. Eventually. Not yet, not yet. I’ll give it some time, I’ll provide a time period in which something SHOULD change, and if nothing does, if I can’t change anything, if my emotions stay the same, then I give up. I’m not doing it anymore. If I have no reason to exist, I see no point in continuing to do so.
Tagged with: FUCK, FUCK, FUCKKK, LET ME BE HAPPY OR SOMETHING, LET ME SLEEP DAMMIT, drugs, fuck, living, weed, I just want to be free
FUCK
[ Posted Sun, 16 Oct 2011 23:44:29 ]
WHAT AM I DOING
30 Days of Ewan
[ Posted Sun, 16 Oct 2011 21:52:07 ]
fuckingawesomewan:
Day 22 - Photo of Ewan that makes you smile
Every pictures in which he smiles make my day. He's a very funny person so many of his pictures make me die laughing. But this in particular makes me smile and feel good because is with three person I have always admired a lot and I love the fact that they're friends :)
LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME ZACRY.
Tagged with: PLEASE ZAC, GO GAY FOR EWAN AND MAKEOUT WITH HIM, AND LET ME WATCH
I just want
[ Posted Sun, 16 Oct 2011 21:43:20 ]
to cry a river.
I WANT NAKED ZAC
[ Posted Sat, 15 Oct 2011 10:55:04 ]
HE’S SO FUCKING CUTE DAMMIT COME HERE
alisahelene:
Tagged with: look he's a hipster
HE'S IN BIG FISH.
[ Posted Thu, 13 Oct 2011 21:58:40 ]
I JUST FUCKING REALIZED THAT. SORRY IF YOU TOLD ME THAT BEFORE, BECAUSE I OBVIOUSLY WASN’T LISTENING. NOW I AGREE MORE THAN EVER ON EWAN MCGREGOR’S AWESOMENESS. THAT MOVIE IS SO FUCKING GOOD AND HE WAS WONDERFUL IN IT OMG. LET’S WATCH IT ONE DAY. UNLESS YOU DON’T WANT TO. XP
Tagged with: ewan mcgregor, zac
I just want to live with Zac. xD
[ Posted Thu, 13 Oct 2011 17:31:12 ]
my hall is having a condom olympics tonight??
[ Posted Tue, 11 Oct 2011 19:29:22 ]
itssimplyradiant:
and one of the activities consists of twister except instead of placing our hands on colors we're placing them on dicks and tits
all i know is that the RAs are icing dick cakes
That was so fucking hilarious, I had to reblog it. xD
We neeeeed to hang out somehow! Maybe during winter break or something, dude. I fucking miss you.
francais
[ Posted Mon, 10 Oct 2011 23:39:45 ]
I can almost understand every word of this movie, at least this part, without trying extremely hard. If I am not paying attention at all, I can catch many words and phrases. If I am watching it, I nearly understand everything they are saying. I can’t read the subtitles at all because I don’t have my glasses, and I’m so far back. Even now, as I type, I understand the gist of what is going on. I couldn’t understand one man as well at the start of the movie, but I can understand this pair very well. It just makes me really happy and stuff . xD “why don’t you like this music?” I just keep catching things. x) IT’S SO EXCITING. I’M NOT EVEN TRYING HALF THE TIME.
I wasn’t aware that I could do this.
People are fucking dumbasses.
[ Posted Fri, 07 Oct 2011 15:46:00 ]
Today,
[ Posted Fri, 07 Oct 2011 02:01:30 ]
I have been thinking about how it was at Mally’s on Wednesday.
I was thinking, what if that happens to my life after college? What if I simply move in with some friends, what if I moved in with Mally and Ryan, and had a simple job, and smoked weed everyday. I would get fat. My life would be nothing. I would have no one. I would only have distractions. I actually wouldn’t be miserable half the time, because I would be distracted so often. I would never have love and I would be alone forever.
That’s not what I want to happen. But it would be easy. And I could see it happening, unfortunately. It would probably be comfortable, and that’s why. There would be enough people living there that rent wouldn’t be expensive, and I would smoke weed all the time. I would be stuck.
Really, I feel like I’m just waiting. Like I’m just waiting for me to NOT prove myself wrong, and then die. I don’t like it. I want to be happy now. I want to be happy in the future. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but I don’t know what to do for it to be right. I don’t want to be miserable and not feel like living. I want to live, but not really because I don’t have a reason. I want a fucking reason already. But honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever get one.
Even if I did fall in love, then what? What would happen? Do I really expect that to change my life so drastically that I will actually feel like existing? Well, I guess that is what I expect, but now I’m thinking I shouldn’t. Because what if I do ‘fall in love’, and it is a disappointment? Although, I don’t expect that would happen because my version of ‘love’ is not disappointing at all, but it is impossible…
I just. Nothing is fucking worth it. I JUST WANT SOMETHING TO BE FUCKING WORTH IT. WHY IS THAT SO DIFFICULT. GODFUCKINGDAMMIT. I AM SO UPSET.
Goddammit.
[ Posted Wed, 05 Oct 2011 20:08:58 ]
Going to get me expelled and shit. I don’t care if you’re kidding or half kidding, if someone like safety hears that, they are going to take it seriously, and search my room, and I am going to get fucking expelled. Please don’t do that anymore. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it outside, because that would give passerby more reason to suspect me. But please don’t do that, I know you were playing around but please, please… I am very worried about getting expelled. ):
Seven full pages of shit.
[ Posted Wed, 05 Oct 2011 05:23:00 ]
I don’t know how I could have written any less. They said it should be around 3-4 pages, but like what the fuck. How is that even possible. xD I better get a good fucking grade on this aha.
And now, I have to study for the IN CLASS portion of the essay.
Fuck this class. Goddammit. I will have like two hours of sleep. xD
MUST GET A GOOD GRADE ON THIS TEST.
[ Posted Wed, 05 Oct 2011 03:46:34 ]
WILL BE SO UPSET IF DOES NOT HAPPEN. IT’S ALREADY FIVE PAGES AND I STILL HAVE MORE THAN 1/5 LEFT TO DO. I CAN DO THIS I CAN DO THIS I CAN DO THIS.
Tagged with: still not sure why grades are so important but ~
Sometimes, I feel like I should have a sign on my forehead that says "I HAVE A BOYFRIEND"
[ Posted Tue, 04 Oct 2011 20:57:00 ]
Oh, but wait. That would attract even more unwanted creepers.
You would think people would get the hint. Especially when you are basically yelling I HAVE A FUCKING BOYFRIEND SO THAT MEANS I DON’T NEED YOU. But I guess people are just dumbs.
Goddammit. Why can’t everyone just leave me alone. xD
Tagged with: EXCEPT THAT I DON'T LIKE BEING ALONE, I AM SUCH A HYPOCRITE
When she dropped me off,
[ Posted Tue, 04 Oct 2011 02:21:04 ]
my mother asked if we were ‘serious’. I never know how to answer that one. That could mean a lot of things. I could say yes, I seriously like Zac. xP Or I could say no, I probably won’t marry him. And then she asked me if he was ‘the one’, and I told her it sure would be a lot easier if that were so. I would like to know my future, I really would. It may give me something to look forward to. Just general things. Not even things, I just want to know who I will marry, that’s all. xD
I wish I wasn’t so stupid. Goddammit.
The winter makes me more depressed than usual. Get ready for an even less fun time, dearest. You were never actually with me during the winter; February doesn’t count. I spoke to my Aunt Cindy today, and she said that there really is something where weather or seasons emotionally affect people. I don’t know how far I would go with this, all I know is that I really, really dislike the cold, and I seem to get cold far easier than normal people. When I’m cold, I can’t focus. I remember taking that IB Maths exam in the freezing cold, and I couldn’t even remember math, all I could think about was how cold I was…. It’s unfortunate that it’s usually cold on my birthday. ):
Also, I can’t wear cute things when it’s cold. Which is irritating. I can’t make cool outfits. I have to layer up and look stupid and I don’t like it. I mean, I don’t give a fuck what other people think about my outfits. But it’s fun to make cute outfits and now I can’t. D< What am I supposed to do with all of these clothes? I have like no fucking winter clothes, and now I have to be outside all the time because I have to walk to class and such… D: OH NO. I DON’T LIKE THIS. GODDAMMIT IT’S ALREADY MAKING ME ANGRY.
Winter is just. not a good time.
I want Zac. I just want to stop being miserable.
Are you related to Yoda?
[ Posted Mon, 03 Oct 2011 22:44:38 ]
aye-kyle:
Cuz Yodalicious. (;
More FYEC reading
[ Posted Mon, 03 Oct 2011 01:38:00 ]
This shit was talking about how we evolved from macromolecules, and how they are like tiny robots, and eventually made single celled organisms, then a bunch, and bacteria and fish and reptiles and then us but with simpler minds and stuff. It would be really interesting if humans survive longer than I assume they will, because I’m sure we would evolve even more. That’s just cool. I wonder how we would evolve.. I can’t know, and I won’t ever know, because it takes so damn long. xD I’m just assuming that we won’t live long enough to evolve that much, which is disappointing. We could have gotten so much better! Like, people think it’s amazing what we can do now, but just think of how our bodies and minds would evolve in the far future, if we could live that long… But even if we don’t kill ourselves (which is what I am assuming will happen) the sun will do whatever it’s gonna do, and then we will die sooo. Unless we find somewhere else to live, which is also unlikely. Then again, I am just pessimistic… I wish I could know what it was like far back in the past, and far into the future.. just to see the differences. I wish I wasn’t so tired, because I find most of that stuff interesting to read about, although at the end it got more dull.. and now I must write about it. WHICH IS THE WORST PART. I have no idea what to write. ):
I know I say this often
[ Posted Sun, 02 Oct 2011 21:54:00 ]
But sometimes I really, really feel like I will not live long. I’m pretty sure if I did kill myself, I would jump off of the tallest thing I could find. That would be the most fun and easy way, I think. I was wondering before if I could ever do anything else, and I don’t think anything else sounds as good. I don’t want to do anything toooo painful, and I would want something quick, not slow.
Ah, that’s not the point though. xD I was just thinking today how I don’t feel close to anything or anyone, and how I am not attached to anything of this world. I don’t like feeling lonely, but at the same time, I feel like I have no one. And I don’t make effort to see anyone anymore besides Zac. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t really want to do anything, and most of the time I don’t really want to live. Everything I do seems like a distraction. I don’t know what happiness is, I don’t know what love is. If I ever do fall in love, what is that going to do for me? Do I expect that to be my motivation to live? I don’t really know anymore. I don’t know why I seem to need a reason to exist. I guess it feels like a waste if I have no reason. I really just don’t see the point if I am miserable, and I don’t know how to change being miserable. I suppose that’s where I assume love would change things.
I just think that life is so stupid. At least, whatever this is now, is just dumb. I don’t even know. It’s like.. I have always liked fantasy, imaginary things. I have never been one to agree with reality. .. I just think that everything is fucked up. xD I don’t understand anything or anybody, and I can’t even say what I am trying to say. Words can never fucking express what is inside of me. That is the most frustrating of all. I cannot make another person understand me, because I can’t express what I am feeling. I want to be close to someone, and I can’t even do this. Goddammit. And yet, I try and try again. This seems to be the one thing I don’t quit at. Trying to convey my feelings. And I never succeed, so I don’t know why I keep it up. It’s just giving people misconceptions and shit. Whatever. Like I give a fuck.
WHAT DO I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT. I just wanna.. I want to WANT to do something! I want to have a reason to be here, because I have no fucking clue why I am here otherwise. I don’t really want to be. But perhaps I will want to be, if I find what I want even though I don’t know what that is. I want to stop thinking about all this shit. It’s just depressing. I am just. not a fun person.
I don’t understand why I have so many emotions about other things when I don’t even want to exist. I feel like I should be apathetic about these things, but for some reason I am not. Like crying after sex, why I like you so much, or being upset over a museum outing with another girl. These things are unexplainable emotions, and try as I might, I can’t get the words out right.
Goddammit. WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME
Tagged with: nothing new
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