Shit happens
[ Posted Sun, 14 Aug 2011 19:51:51 ]
Today is 6/14/11. But there may be many edits; what do I know?!
I am going to post this after we break up. Why? Because I don’t want you to know yet. And I sincerely hope that our break up is a long way away. Although I am assuming it will be before college, since I believe you will not have a car there. And I can’t do it. Perhaps it is very selfish of me and all, but I can’t do it. I find it worse to miss someone that is still yours rather than to miss someone who is not yours any longer. But maybe I am just odd. Either way, I am completely sorry, and I really hope it doesn’t come as a surprise to you. Even if you do have a car, I just don’t think it will work out. You’re a rational man, as you know. You will definitely put school first, as you should. But there will be no time for me. I already feel like I don’t get enough attention as it is, how do you think I would be if you were so far away, and so busy? Nah, I think it’s better this way. You really should focus on school, you’re a smart fellow. I have never been one to be able to solely focus on school… I have my priorities all screwed up. (; But you’ve got them right. And I know that you will be fucking awesome at whatever you choose to do, I just know it! And don’t worry… you can still come visit me when you are home with your car. (; I’d still like to see you, you know. And don’t think I am completely calm about this, because I know that when it all happens, I will be very, very upset for awhile. You are very dear to me, you know that? Don’t worry, there will be plenty of agony-filled posts when it actually happens. I’m not sad right now, because I’ve got a whole summer to spend with you! And now I must vent, because you had to know all of these things eventually….
Libbie. Where do I even begin? Four and a half months we have already been dating, and you would think I would have stopped caring about that bitch. But no. Everytime I see her face, with her disgustingly bulging eyes and her oversized horse-mouth, I just want to beat her face into a pulp. You wouldn’t understand. Which is why I can’t tell you. Not right now at least. But I have to vent somewhere, I have to know that one day, you will know how I felt. This way, I can’t irritate you. This way, I can’t bother you. But I want to tell you all these things. I just don’t want you to think I’m a crazy obsessed bitch lady. Because I am. But I don’t want you to think that… Although you can think that all you want when I’m gone! Might do ya some good… ANYWAYS. Fucking Libbie. Everytime her name is mentioned, I want to scream. I am not even going to try to explain to you that I know I am unjustified, because this is something that I do not know. I feel very justified in my anger, in my reasons for being upset. Dramatic, but justified. You do not understand the meaning and impact of your words, your actions. I know you would never mean to make me feel this way. This is how I feel, this is how I have felt to this very day. I feel like a second choice. You know why? Because that is exactly what I am. Don’t tell me that I am not. I have proof. I liked you. You supposedly ‘loved’ Libbie (okay, I am not saying that you didn’t have strong feelings for her or anything, I just find it hard to believe anyone could love that). I wanted to stop liking you, because it was obviously pointless. But you wouldn’t let me. Although you ‘loved’ another girl, you acted like you liked me. And don’t say you didn’t mean to, because you totally knew that you were flirting with me. I don’t know why you did this. Maybe because the girl you ‘loved’ didn’t love you back, but you knew of someone who DID like you. So hey, let’s just hang out with her. Let’s flirt with her in english class, let’s hold her hand to confuse her at the movies, let’s go over her house and touch her hands a bunch while we fight and flirt for the keyboard, let’s go over and tackle her and stuff. OH, BUT WAIT, I’M REALLY IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I’M JUST DOING THIS BECAUSE… WAIT, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY THE HELL I’M DOING THIS! MAYBE I’M JUST AN ASSHOLE. So then you ‘decided’ that you finally liked me. This probably only happened because I liked you first, and you knew that I still liked you, because you’re an asshole like that. AND THEN WHAT DO YOU DO? You ask Libbie out one more time. Can you even comprehend how upset that made me? How could you do that…? It seems like a desperate plea, like. Oh, please date me Libbie, so I don’t have to date that obnoxious freak Vittoria, because you’re my first choice even though you are SO MUCH MORE DAMN ANNOYING AND LESS INTELLIGENT, and she is simply my second choice, my backup. You couldn’t get a piece of that bitch, so you decided to go with the second, not as good option. OH, BUT LET’S JUST MAKE SURE. LET’S JUST ASK ONE LAST TIME. What the fuck, dude? Are you fucking serious? I cannot believe you fucking did that. IT STILL BOTHERS ME. I just.. it blows my mind that you are that inconsiderate, that you are that much of a PIG. Don’t ever do that again, to anyone else. Even if you don’t tell them about it. Seriously…? And then you’re like. still obsessed with her. You barely talk to her, but you get her facebook updates on your phone? One out of five people or something, really? You laugh everytime she opens her huge horse mouth. I just wanna throw a punch right in there… And then she had to wear that stupid short black dress with those damn sexy heels at graduation rehearsal, and she HAD to be right next to you, literally the whole time. I just about screamed at the top of my lungs I was so irritated. That was a terrible day. But really, one of the worst parts is that… I am not an artist. But she is. And I just.. I can’t do anything about that. There is nothing comparable in that category. I can claim I am more attractive than her. I know I am more intelligent than her. I can claim I am less annoying, that I have a better sense of humour. But I can’t.. I can’t beat that. I can tell myself that her art isn’t that great, that Michelle’s and Kelsey’s are better (which I sincerely believe), but I cannot claim to be better. And this is something that I really need to be better than her at, because you are all about art.. You can’t imagine how frustrated it makes me, that I can never, ever be as good. Art is like, your thing… And I can’t even make anything good. What is it with women, that they have to always be better than their significant other’s ex(es)? Well, obviously you never dated Libbie, but to me, she is much, much worse than an ex. Because obviously, you thought more about her than me for a very long time. Even when you thought about me, she was still first. And I was second. And I still feel second. Even if you say all these things to me, do all these things for me… I just imagine that you still wish Libbie would have dated you instead of me. I still imagine that I am merely a second choice. Some of this is my own fault, my own insane, strong feelings, and womanly thoughts, I will admit that. But I refuse to take all the blame for this one. I hope you accept responsibility, although by the time you read this, it wont even matter anymore.
I am tired of typing. Although I have much, much more to say.
Edit on 6/23: I am sobbing right now, because of how much I am going to miss you. You are away, you have barely talked to me for a whole week, and I miss you so fucking much and you’re still mine. When you aren’t mine anymore, there will be no ‘coming back’. There will not be a day that I can look forward to, in which I will see your adorable freckled face again, after being without you for so long. I feel so alone in this feeling. I feel like you don’t want me. But that is another topic for another day. Right now, I simply miss you. too much. I am no good with a lack of attention. I can’t handle this. But I know I’ll handle it well when it actually comes to pass. I’m worried about you. I don’t want to make you sad. I don’t want to make you feel anything negative at all. But it’s going to happen. And I dread that day. I don’t want to do it. ): I don’t want to make you sad, I don’t want to be selfish. But I have to be. Fuck. I’m so upset.
Edit on 7/5: “I understand! I’m just nosy, and always looking for things to fix with myself” That just made me feel like a terrible person, thanks. xP Here you are, being all cute and little and awesome, and I’m just being a little bitch. This isn’t very nice, what I am doing, is it? You know, there have been a few days when I wanted to update this. But I didn’t. Because they are all temporary feelings… For example. That one day I came over before Steven, and Robbie was supposed to mow the grass and you were supposed to organize your room. But you DID organize your room. and Robbie did NOT mow the grass. Because I arrived before Steven, I thought that meant I would get to be with you, and we could snuggle and chat and kiss and only focus on one another. I guess that I often think the wrong thing. I was very upset because you seemed more keen on pleasing your mother than pleasing me. I have never understood why you do everything she tells you, and this was one of the worst moments. I honestly can’t stand it. I can’t stand you just taking her fucking shit. Don’t you want to do what you want to do? Not what she wants you to do? Man the fuck up! I believe it is more understandable for me to feel neglected and unwanted when I am not with you. But there are rare moments when I feel exactly that when you are right next to me. I can’t stand it.. I’m telling you, it’s the small things that get me. The things that I’m positive you do not mean to do, things you don’t even notice doing. I know my feelings were an overreaction, but I couldn’t help it. I was about to cry right there. Actually, I think I might have. xD Then I knew I couldn’t be crazy, because Robbie wasn’t mowing the lawn. He was playing a video game. He put a video game before what he was supposed to be doing, but you couldn’t even put your girlfriend before that. Yeah, yeah, comparing people isn’t a very good thing to do. But how could I help it? It was so unfair. I just wanted to be with you, because Steven would be coming, and then we would be with Steven, and not alone…Which I totally don’t mind because I love Steven, but I really do appreciate alone time with you. But it wasn’t really that I didn’t get what I wanted. It’s that you didn’t seem to want what I wanted you to want. Why couldn’t you wait for Steven to get there, then you could organize? That sounds much more logical to me, but of course, our methods of reason are completely different. But then, I had a wonderful day with you, and all was forgiven. When it was happening, I had been planning to type it all up as soon as I got home. But when I got home, all I wanted to do was turn around and go right back to you. I had a good time with you, and that greatly outweighed my small moment of sadness. I guess I just had to type it all up for you now because.. I don’t know. I just think you should know.
You know, I really fucking like you. There really is nothing for you to fix. In fact, the blog post I was typing that you were referring to was all about how much I like you, and how much all of the wonderful things about you outweigh the very small amount of things I don’t like. I am never going to like everything about a person, you know. I don’t want you to fix anything, that’s why I’m not telling you this now. The reason I was crying last night (I woke my dad up, remember…?) is that I am going to miss you. I feel terribly depressed every night because I dread what has to come before August the 20th. I can’t stand the thought of not being with you. I’ve liked you ever since I met you, did you know that? But now I am just repeating my blog post, which I am actually going to post here so you can see it. Right after this one. There are going to be about a million tumblr posts when we break up. I write when I am depressed… I was sobbing so loudly, I couldn’t help it. I know I should be focusing on being happy with you this summer, but I just can’t. I haven’t spent nearly enough time with you.. and we aren’t going to the beach, are we? When we both come back from camp and florida, there will be a mere month that we have together. What is that then, maybe ten times I will see you? Ten more times, how can I do this! Oh, Zac.. I am so upset. I don’t want this to happen. But honestly, it can’t be any other way.. I’m not like those people that can handle long distance relationships. This isn’t even that far away, how pathetic am I! I’m weak, you know. That’s why I can’t do it. I am a terribly depressed and pessimistic person, and it will only get much, much, much worse if I never get to see you. I’m completely horrible and selfish! Please, please forgive me.. I don’t know what I would do if I completely lost you. I still need you in my life… We can go to art museums, and concerts and and other stuff.. Because I’m used to it you know! I liked you for three long months without you ever feeling the same. I can deal with wanting you when I can’t have you, I’ve already done it before! Oh, but it isn’t the same this time.. I like you so much more. so, so, much.. I think the reason I get pimples above my lip is because when I cry and my nose runs, I’ll wipe it, and my fingers are dirty.. Those damn pimples are so irritating.
Shit, you’re calling me. Time to calm down…
Edit on 7/6: For some reason I feel like I have already told you this? But I don’t think I did. I think I blogged about it on my private one. I might actually go look! Nope, I must have written about it in my journal. xD TOO MANY OUTLETS. but not really… I need that many, haa. But yes, okay. That one day that we had sex and I cried right afterwards. xD Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I’ve never thought of sex as an emotional thing before, I admit it. I always hear about people saying how it isn’t just physical, it really affects your mind blahblahblah. I didn’t believe that was the case for me. And it usually isn’t.. well, at least I don’t think it is. But something just hit me hard, right as it was done. It was this overwhelming feeling that I had towards you, an immense feeling of passion and care and I don’t even know what. I didn’t mean to cry, I was just so overwhelmed by my emotions, it just happened… I couldn’t even explain it because I was so embarrassed that I was being so emotional and awkward. I still can’t even describe it properly. I’ve felt these random jolts of overwhelming feeling towards you, and sometimes I do shed a tear or two, but I try not to let you notice. I can’t really explain any of this very well, I wish I could just make you feel what I felt, because then you would get it. But it wasn’t a bad thing at all.. I apologize if my tears were misleading. I just.. Zac, I like you so much, sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m sorry.
7/6/11: copied from blog
I really hope he will let me see Zac for a few hours tomorrow. I am terribly depressed when I think about how little time we have spent and will spend this summer. I wish I could tell Zac that this is the end, this summer is it, and he needs to fucking be with me. But telling him that would basically be the same as ending it. I don't want to do that. I will stay with him until maybe half a week before he moves in to VCU. I hope that is enough time for him to stop being sad. I'm not trying to be conceited, I know he will be sad. Perhaps not as sad as me, but who knows. I know he will be okay though, because he will be excited about starting all of his graphic design stuff, and he will focus on school. Move in day is the 20th. This summer has been frustrating. I have been so excited about going to college, especially after I went to orientation. It's a new start, with new friends, new classes, and hopefully new habits. I am going to be free, like I have always wanted to be. Free from parents telling me what to do. Free to make my own decisions, to live how I want to live. And yet… I am going to be leaving Zac. Michelle is going far away. I know I should be happy for now, and spend time happily with him.. but I just get so depressed at night about it. I know it's dumb, getting upset about something that hasn't happened yet… I just can't fucking help it. It makes me so sad.
I liked Zac all year. Since the moment I saw him, I thought he was extremely cute. Since the moment I met him, I had feelings for him. And now, it almost seems like a dream. It often felt like a dream, when we first started dating. I didn't expect him to ever return my feelings. But he did… and he became so much more kind, so much cuter, so much everything. He was wonderful, he still is. The only slight difference now is that he used to talk to me more.. I guess people just get bored of talking to the same person all the time. Honestly, I wouldn't really care if he texted me about nonsense all the time… I would just be happy he wanted to talk to me. But it's okay… His good qualities outweigh his bad ones. My boyfriend will always do something I do not like, no matter who it is. I can't help it. I'm needy and clingy, but if they are too needy and clingy and obsessive, I don't like it. I talk to guys all the time, and flirt with them too (usually not on purpose. I just can't help it, I'm a ho or something), but if they even talk to a girl I get instantly irritated. If they even call another girl attractive, I get irritated. Plus, I cry about all of that. All the time. I am such a fucking girl. Nobody will ever completely satisfy me, it's fucking impossible. But, I am rambling again. Zac is just.. he's fucking amazing. He's intelligent, creative, artistic, silly, fun, kind, and just the right amount of ass-hole. He's soft, freckly, warm, ticklish, insanely adorable, long-fingered, big-nosed, beanstalk-like, and his hip bones and collar bones stick out more than anyone else's. I love his personality, and I love his physical qualities. Even if he is easily irritated, too rational, not extremely cuddly or physical, and it sometimes feels that he isn't paying me attention, or he doesn't want me, I still just.. I like him way too much. It's ridiculous how much someone can upset you, and yet you still like them just as much as you did before they upset you. It's not like he actually does anything wrong, anyways. It's really my fault. I am too needy, and too jealous, and too selfish. I am mean, and horrible, and not rational at all. I get upset and angry and depressed for the smallest, dumbest things (Except I think getting irritated every time I joke about you coming too fast is just ridiculous. Who gives a shit, honestly? I'm just fucking kidding, get over yourself.) . I don't understand how I can be so terrible about you inside my mind, when you really do nothing wrong. Okay, so you never text me. So you never seem to show up when I think you will. So you are insanely friendly to other girls. So you don't spend as much time with me as I want you to. So you actually listen to your mother. So, you actually do things you are supposed to do before talking to/hanging out with me. So, I am insanely terrified of irritating you. So, you think other women are attractive. FUCK, I CAN'T STAND MYSELF JUST MAKE IT STOP. Why the hell do I have to be a FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING GIRL.?!?! FUCKING BOYS DON'T FUCKING FEEL THIS WAY. MAYBE SOME DO, BUT IT IS DEFINITELY MORE OF A GIRL THING. WHY? WHY DO WE FEEL THIS WAY? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
I hate how I fucking ramble and get off of my fucking topic! Now instead of being depressed about no more Zac, I'm fucking irritated about myself! FUCK THIS.
Edit on 7/15: found this. from 3/19, on my private blog. er. Yeah, I’m kinda a bitch. I guess when I am angry or upset, I say some pretty intense things.
“im glad hunter hates libbie, and thinks zacs fucking retarded for liking her over me. makes me feel way better. XD
especially because once zac said something about how i dont have to worry about libbie? because like even if he wanted to do something, she wouldnt? and i was thinking. WHAT THE FUCK. THAT DOESNT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. THAT MAKES ME THINK YOU STILL WANT HER BUT JUST CAUSE SHE DOESNT WANT YOU, YOU SETTLED FOR ME. and if she for some reason decided to want you, youd just say ‘kbai’.
im not like paranoid of that happening, because its not going to. its just annoying that he said that? like, oh you dont have to worry because she doesnt want me. but he said nothing about not wanting her? i know that was like a month ago he said that, but still. i still fucking hate her, i dont care. XD he said he wouldnt want to date her. but whatever. i dont believe that. he totally wanted to dated her. he fucking loved her or whatever, which i think is retarded.”
Yeahh. So right now I don’t really know what to say. I was really upset at you, that first day you didn’t text me. I was ready to just lash out at you, and be really mean. But then you were being all nice. Which was really annoying, because I was mad at you and you shouldn’t have been all smiley and shit, it just irritated me because I was mad. But I guess I was just so happy to talk to you, that my anger ebbed away. I decided I didn’t want to be upset about the lack of attention anymore, so I tried really hard not to think about you. It worked better than i thought it would… It didn’t work too much at night, but I tried to busy myself at all other times, so I wouldn’t be so sad. I decided it would be like training for when you are really gone. It sort of was… I even changed the picture on my phone so I wouldn’t be sad whenever I looked at it. I know that sounds terrible, but can you blame me? I don’t want to be sad anymore Zac. I don’t want to be sad when I think of you, I want to be happy. But you were gone.. you still are… Gone for a whole week. Maybe that doesn’t sound that long, but it sure is a long time to me. It depresses me so much that I can’t do things. I can’t do anything but lay around and cry. Yeah, I have issues, and I’m really emotional, whatever. I don’t care what it is, but it happens, and I can’t help it. That is why I can’t be with you anymore. Maybe you don’t understand it, because you don’t seem to require as much attention as I do. But I can’t really explain it any better. I will be sad all the time if I stay with you. I’m not exaggerating. You don’t know how it was, the week you went to the beach. It was torture. This week was only better because I tried so insanely hard to get you out of my mind, and I was away from home. But it was still terrible, especially at night. I can’t describe it to you, because I can’t really explain how I feel. I cannot deal with neglect. Even if you don’t mean to, even if you can’t help it. I’m sorry… I truly am sorry. This week made me further realize that it has to be done. I was still nearly considering staying with you, although I really knew in the end I wouldn’t be able to. Like I said, I don’t expect you to understand. I don’t expect anyone to understand. I’m a freak. I’m a very selfish girl, and not a very good girlfriend. It seems to be all about me… I don’t even know how much longer I can stand this. I really want to spend as much time as possible with you, but when I am not with you, I am so depressed… all because I know what is going to happen. And to think, if i decided to stay with you, it would be even worse! I would be even more depressed. Meh, i don’t want to talk about this anymore. I wanted to sleep over Michelle’s house tonight, so I didn’t have to think about it. But they wouldn’t let me. I was really angry.. So I’ll just smoke weed tonight, and then I’ll feel better. Yup, here goes Vittoria again, running away and distracting herself from her problems like always, instead of manning up and facing them head on.
Edit on 7/20: Every single time I see you, my decision seems to falter. I think, I don’t want to be away from you. I don’t want to stop seeing you. There is nothing wrong with our relationship, so why can’t I have you? What’s stopping me? I don’t want this to end, it’s too wonderful. It’s so good, how could I decide to stop it? At the same time, it makes me realize how much I will miss you when you are at VCU and I am at RMC. But like.. FUCK. Stop fucking confusing me! I don’t want to be depressed anymore… But you make me happy.. But only when I am with you. I know that’s pathetic, and maybe even mean. But you just.. don’t make me happy when I am not with you. Nobody does. I’m depressed as fuck, and you don’t know because I don’t tell you. I don’t want you to know. I want you to be happy.. and now, I know you are. It makes me so sad.. I don’t want to take this from you. I don’t want you to be sad. I’d rather you think I was a fucking ho and crazy fucking bitch than be sad about losing me. Fuckkk. sdhfkdhfdjfd I don’t know what to fucking do Zac! I want you. I want you like crazy every time I see you. I want to keep going, I don’t want to stop. We have something so good, and I’ve liked you ever since I fucking MET you. I don’t know what’s going to happen when I do this. I don’t know what I’m going to do… I just think.. I’ll probably be depressed for about a month, maybe less maybe more. That isn’t much, compared to all the days I would be depressed if I stayed with you. I can’t explain to anyone how physically being with someone is necessary for me. I can’t… I can’t be happy with anything else. There is no alternative. I need to be with you. And I won’t be… I really want you to know that that is the sole reason. Perhaps it sounds stupid to most people. But it makes complete sense to me. What other reason do I have to say goodbye to such a wonderful part of my life? I’m leaving everything, if I leave you. It’s odd… I thought I would at least have you and Michelle. But Michelle decided to go to far away land, and I realized that I wouldn’t be able to handle missing you. I’m so upset, you can’t imagine how this feels… Knowing what is coming.. I think it’s worse in this situation. Michelle told me the other night it was really mean of me to spring it on you without warning. But how can I tell you? Telling you would be the end. I don’t want it to end yet, I don’t want it to end for a long time. Why should it? It’s so fucking good, how I feel when I am with you. It doesn’t feel right, our time is not over. It feels so wrong to end it so early… I want to be with you. But either way, I won’t be. There is no possible way. I want to do it. I wish I could be strong enough to stay with you. I want to. I want to stay with you.. But I’m terribly weak, weaker than you could ever imagine. It would break me if I stayed with you and never saw you. So I am being completely selfish, and I have chosen to break you instead. Oh, how terrible I am… This always happens to me. I am always the bad guy. Do you understand now why I despise myself? Do you see? Because I hurt people. I hurt people that I don’t want to hurt, but I’m simply too selfish. I hurt boys. But this is the absolute worst. This is the worst thing I have ever done to a boy, ever done to a person. You probably don’t even believe that I cry all the time about it. Maybe you think I am a cold-hearted bitch. Well, I am. And I hate it. I don’t want to do this.. Of course, you ask, if you don’t want to do it so much, then why are you doing it? Maybe it doesn’t sound believable that I don’t want to do it, but I’m going to. I don’t care if you don’t believe me anymore… I’m tired. I just want you. I want to lay down with you, and stay there for a long time. I like you more than I thought I could. Please, please don’t leave me forever. I don’t care what we will do when we hang out, but I need to see you. I don’t care if we make out, or cuddle, or fuck, or sit there awkwardly, or play xbox, or go to a museum, or eat asian food, or just talk. I don’t care what we do, but please be my friend. See me from time to time. If that is too much to ask, if that would be too painful for you, I would understand. Honestly, it might even be painful for me, but I don’t want you gone forever. It doesn’t have to be often, I just don’t want to lose you forever.. I am so sorry. You continue to talk about things like my birthday presents, and how I am going to visit you at VCU, and I just want to burst into tears and tell you the truth. I am so upset that these things will never happen. I can’t stop crying.. My head hurts. My eyes are going to hurt in the morning. I hope my roommate doesn’t mind my weeping. Gah, I can’t write anymore. Fuck. I am so, so sorry Zac. I really, really do care about you.. Fuck! Zac, I’m sorry…
Edit on 7/21: You know what, it doesn’t really matter why I got so angry at you while we were playing Soul Caliber IV. It doesn’t matter, BECAUSE I AM FUCKING INSANE. CRAZY. CRAZY BITCH RIGHT HERE, AND I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU DIDN’T KNOW IT BEFORE. But I might as well explain myself, right? Because now it doesn’t matter if you think I’m a crazy bitch. I have this bizarre complex involving video games and my current boyfriend. You are not alone in this, so don’t think you are. I am still mad at you, especially after you posted that horrible thing on tumblr, so I decided I better get it all out. I don’t know why this happens, but it does. I get very, very frustrated and angry whenever I play a video game with a boyfriend. Unless I am good at it, of course. I couldn’t tell you why this happens, because I wouldn’t know. One time I cried while playing halo against Omar, I was so frustrated. I actually cried today (er, yesterday, it’s past midnight), because you were being such a little bitch. You wouldn’t understand how I felt, of course. I can’t even explain it. All I know is that I wanted to scream, and punch the fuck out of you, and cry my heart out, but I was resisting a great deal so you wouldn’t think I was a crazy bitch. That is a lot for a person to do, when they are angry or frustrated, and they are trying to contain it all for fear of bothering someone. And that someone just continues to be an asshole. You have no idea… I knew it was a bad idea to play a video game with you. Why do you think I usually refuse? Have you ever had a good experience playing a video game with me? Think about it. You nearly made me cry when Steven, Robbie, and you were over my house playing mortal kombat. Did you even know that? You, screaming at me how terrible I was doing, and how I was doing everything wrong, you almost made me fucking cry in front of EVERYONE. I wanted to die. I couldn’t help but scream words back at you, and then everyone thought I was a crazy bitch, of course. So thanks for that. Then when you forced me to fucking play sonic, which I didn’t even want to fucking play with you. I don’t want to fucking play anything with you! I was so miserable, I didn’t even want to be at your house any longer. I wanted to play with Steven again. Don’t you get it? How many times do I have to refuse to play with you before you do? I can’t help how I feel, I can’t control it. I fucking told you. Not to knock me out of the ring. What do you do? Exactly that, and a few times, to boot. What do I tell you before we start? Not to let me win, to play me your hardest. What do you tell me? “I let you win”. Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you. I don’t think you could ever realize the enormity of your actions, because I am not normal. I’m fucking crazy. But I don’t care. I was really mad at you, and I don’t care if that is dumb. And it really doesn’t fucking help that you don’t take my anger seriously. That is what made me so frustrated that I cried. No wonder I’m paranoid about sounding like a crazy bitch to you.
7/23: Wow. I just realized, even when I am a crazy bitch lady, you don’t seem to get irritated, like I thought you would. Every time I have been upset, or said I didn’t like something, you are just apologetic, or very sweet and cute. You know what.. that’s.. That’s just wrong. I don’t deserve that.. dammit. I’m crazy. Why don’t you tell me I’m fucking insane for getting so upset over a video game? Why don’t you tell me my hatred for Libbie is unjustified, and making fun of her teeth isn’t going to do anything for me? Why don’t you tell me that it was unnecessary to be so harsh when you didn’t text me that one day? You aren’t like any boy I have ever dated. Why are you so kind to me? I am not so kind to you… I seem to be driven by negative emotions. I can’t control them, and they just keep coming back.. I get irritated because you are so rational. I just want you to let loose, I want you to disobey your mom, I want you to experiment and try things you have never tried before. Every time I diss your mom, I feel like you don’t exactly agree with me. It makes me feel a little bad, but I remember what you said about her when we first started dating, and I remember it, and honestly believe that gives me the okay to do that. I cannot comprehend why you obey her, why you seem to have no desire to rebel. I couldn’t tell you why it bothers me, but it does. I know that all sounds really dumb, but whatever. I want to get you to stay longer with me, I want you to want to stay longer with me, but you always rush home to mommy. I don’t understand you, and I am not as close with you as I want to be. It’s like you won’t let me. I know you aren’t used to it, I know you keep things in your head, but that is not where they belong. I wanted you to have a private tumblr so you could get it all out. I wanted to hear it, or rather, read it all. I wanted to know everything. I can’t get closer to you if you won’t let me. You probably don’t feel this way at all, you probably don’t even understand how I feel this way. You probably think you have told me a lot. But I don’t ever know how you are feeling. I don’t ever know your emotions. Anyone I have talked to that is friends with both you and Robbie say that it is easier to talk to Robbie, and harder to talk to you. It makes me sad. I know that is just how you are, but how can you ever hope to form lasting connections with people if you won’t let them really know you. Are you afraid? Is it too much of a change for you? I couldn’t tell you, because I have no idea what is ever going on in your head, and I really want to know. Why do you hide it? I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to make you feel better. I like you so much that I don’t know what to do with myself. Just think… how much more I would like you if we were closer… That must be what I am missing. Maybe to fall in love with someone, I have to be insanely close to them. I wonder… You know, maybe you did help me. I have a saved text from long ago, when I was upset because I couldn’t love, and you told me you didn’t mind, you were happy with just being with me, and you said maybe you could help me. I think you might have. Although it pains me to tell you straight up, I am afraid I never loved you. That is such a powerful word for me, I think I take it more seriously than most people, so I really hope you aren’t upset. I will tell you this; I was awfully close. I can feel it. But there is something missing, and maybe I just found what it was. Of course, I can’t be sure until I try to fall in love again, but I greatly appreciate your help. You really have no idea how much I like you, how much I care about you. I have never cried about a break up for more than one night. Four times I never shed a tear. Once it was a whole night, once it was twenty minutes. That’s it. I easily move on, I assume because I have never been in love. Because this time was so close, I have been crying every night just knowing it is going to happen. I am estimating it will take me about a month to recover, and maybe that doesn’t sound like a lot to most people, but that is a really fucking long time to me. I don’t know what I am going to do. I’ll be lonely as fuck, and I’ll miss you more than I can even imagine right now. I’ll probably be blogging 24/7. That’s what I do when I am depressed, obviously. I’m so tired, Zac. I’m tired of thinking of how horrible I am, to do this to you. I know that our time together shouldn’t be over. It doesn’t feel right. We should be together for longer.. But honestly, even if you did have a car or something, it probably wouldn’t last much longer. It’s not like we are meant to be together.. We know we won’t get married. I know that is no excuse, I am just saying… I just think… that we need to think about how good it was. Not to think of how sad we are that we lost it, but to think of how glad we are that it happened. There were lots of things that could have prevented it. I almost decided not to take IB English (that was before Mrs. Drake decided to praise my work). I should have stopped liking you when you rejected me. I think I can honestly say that I have never continued to like someone once they rejected me. If they rejected me, that was it, that was the end, I didn’t care anymore once I knew they never cared for me. I have no fucking clue why I continued to like you, because it frustrated me to no end. I’m glad I did though. (: I surprised myself when I decided to hang out with you and Steven, when I thought you didn’t like me as more than a friend, instead of hanging out with and making out with an insanely hot guy. I feel like if I chose the latter, things might have gone differently, but who knows. I wonder if you would have ever talked to me, if I didn’t invite you to be in our group on the third day of school. I liked you from that day on, although I got a boyfriend that same day. Although I barely knew you, I compared Shane to you all the time. I decided to chance it. Even if you didn’t like me, I didn’t need to be with such a sex-crazed idiot. And.. You didn’t like me. Of course you didn’t, you barely knew me. I tend to crush on people rather easily. I was really hoping you did though; your friendliness reads as flirting. Which brings me to another, less happy topic. I detested when you spoke to any girl. I am aware that that can only mean I am incredibly selfish, but I could not help my feelings. Did I tell you about them? No, because it would mean I was a fucking crazy bitch. It isn’t jealousy I feel. More like annoyance. More like lack of attention. I seem to want, even need, it all, you see. This is the reason I hated art class. I was completely miserable the whole time. It didn’t help that everyone in there seemed to want to stop you from doing the only thing that kept me sane: giving me attention. I needed you to stop doing your work and look at me, kiss me. I needed you to pay me more attention than you paid to anyone else. It was rather frustrating, because I really like Britini. I think she is awesome, I think she is hilarious. My feelings constantly conflicted with themselves, and I couldn’t take it. I didn’t want to think mean things about her, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted her to stop calling you cute. I wanted her to stop drawing you. I wanted you to stop being so friendly to her. I couldn’t stand my thoughts, and I wanted to make it up to her. So I let her borrow my favorite manga, and she was really excited about it, and so I felt better. But that didn’t stop my other feelings. They kept coming. I just wanted it to end, I wanted to stop coming to your art class. I didn’t like that you would get irritated if I wanted you while you were working. I didn’t like how friendly you were to other people, when I just wanted you to be friendly to me. I didn’t like that you sat at a table filled with girls; I was ecstatic when Ryan came along. I just.. I was always rather miserable in that class, and it was my own fault. My thoughts were extremely selfish, and I wanted you all to myself. You were all mine in English, because you hated everyone else. I had the time of my life. Pathetic, isn’t it? I wonder if I can ever fix myself. I’m sorry. I really am. Although you didn’t know it, although Britini didn’t know it… I am still sorry. I don’t mean to be this way. I can’t control what I desire, and that seems to be your attention. I don’t want other people’s attention, just yours. I’ve gotten loads of attention from other boys, while I have been dating you, to be honest. I hate it. It only makes me more depressed that I am not getting any from you. I don’t like their attention… it isn’t the kind I want. I’m sick of having big boobs, I don’t want to be appealing to anyone else. Just you… That is my problem with relationships, you know. I just don’t understand.. I want all of your attention, because you don’t give enough. Yet, I broke up with Omar because he was obsessed with me. Or maybe I just stopped liking him, and he just happened to be obsessed with me at the same time. Gah, I have no clue. I don’t know what will ever make me happy, if that is possible. When you said that thing when you came back from camp, that you have been happy for six months, I just wanted to cry. I probably already said that, didn’t I? But I keep thinking about it. That is one of the few times that you have like. Idk. Suggested your feelings to me. Like… that had a powerful impact on me, and it was something I just.. didn’t know before. I didn’t know you were happy. You never really said so. I mean, you did, but not that you have continually been.. I feel so bad, to take it away from you. I really don’t want to… I really, really want you to be happy. With or without me. Fuck, I don’t wanna think about this again! I just want to be happy with you right now! I want to be with you as long as I possibly can! I want to let you know that we need to hang out as much as we can, I need to see you as much as possible.. My darling… Let me tell you something that is sort of silly, but also has to do with my crazy bitchyness. So, I started watching Bones with April like all the time. I have always been slightly annoyed with you and your liking of Zooey Deschanel. I guess it bothers me, because she really is amazing. She is beautiful, and odd, and has a great voice and is a superb actor. You don’t like her just because she is pretty. So, it is the most annoying celebrity crush I have ever encountered. Also, because she is prettier than me, which is really just a bother. Anyways, so there I am, laying on the couch watching Bones, and I start thinking… Hey, you know what. I fucking love Emily Deschanel. She is fucking kickass. She is smart, and pretty, and a really great actor. It is so not fair that her freaking sister gets all the attention. Yeah, Emily is fucking great! She is way better than Zooey, I am just gonna keep thinking that from now on. HA, IN YOUR FACE ZAC. Yeah… sad, isn’t it? XD Okay, well I have to go babysit soon, and this was really fucking long enough. But I’m not done. x) Farewell for now, my lovely. I miss you. Right now, and whenever you read this. I feel a little better now, though. I hope you do this too. I really, really hope that you write me a long ass tumblr post. You can say whatever you want. You can yell at me, you can call me a bitch, you can remissness, you can tell me things you never told me before. I wanna hear it all. If you don’t, that sure is a shame. But I hope you do, because I am certainly looking forward to the prospect of learning things you thought about that I never knew before. Thank you.
Edit 7/27: I am going to tell you something you might not want to hear. Michelle slept over last night, and every time we have a sleepover we both complain about and praise our boyfriends, because that is what girls do. Especially the complain part. Anyways, I just read this whole post because I thought I had already included something, but I really didn’t. Maybe if I tell you about how I felt while you were at the beach, you may understand why I have to say goodbye to you. The only time I had a good time while you were at the beach was when I was with Michelle. Smoking weed. I need a whole lot of fucking weed for the month of August… -.- Anyways! I cannot even remember all of the boys that decided to text me during beach week. It was like they were shoving it in my face that my boyfriend had left me for a week. It was like they knew. But the worst one, was Fowler. If I texted him, he texted me back in a minute. He obviously wanted me, although I showed no signs of wanting him. He even went so far to ask me for a picture. The nerve, honestly! I told him that I never did that, even for my boyfriends. I told him my body was mine, and I decided that it is only for Zac to look at. If I stopped texting him, he would text me again in like an hour. This is the worst part… He was at the exact same beach as you. With his best friend. But he somehow found more time to talk to me than my own boyfriend did. I sobbed for hours. Why was it that boys that just wanted to do me found more time for me than my own boyfriend? I was lonely, and I wanted attention, but this wasn’t the same. None of these boys worked. They gave me attention alright, they definitely made it apparent they wanted me, but the only boy I wanted to do that was you. And you were not doing that. At all. I was miserable. I was also very disgusted at Fowler, and mad at him because I decided he only talked to me in math because I have big boobs and here I thought we were actually friends. Fucking. GODDAMMIT. I DON’T WANT TO BE A WOMAN. But that isn’t the point. The point is that you neglected me, and other people didn’t, and I was overwhelmed and depressed. The point is, that this exact same thing would happen in college, but it would be even worse. It wouldn’t be other boys texting me. It would be other boys talking to me. Being with me. Wanting me. And you would do the exact same thing you did to me while you were at the beach. The exact same thing you have done to me virtually all summer. NOT GIVE ME ATTENTION. NOT TALK TO ME. NOT WANT ME. NOT BE WITH ME. Think about it. If you are too busy during the SUMMER to speak to me, how busy will you be during your first year of COLLEGE.?! College is busy. Summer is not. You are rational. I am not.
I have another beef to pick with you. You are virtually never jealous. It’s irritating. I know that is mean. I know I shouldn’t want you to be jealous. But you know what, that is what I want. I want to know that I am important. If I am paying more attention to Steven or even Robbie when I am with you, you should be bothered. You should want my attention to be on you. I cannot lie and say I wasn’t excited when I told you about Daryll giving me his phone number and you told me to tell him to fuck off. I was so happy. xD I was like yay! He wants me to talk to him and not other boys! Yay! Like.. I just don’t get you. Like you would have been okay with me just hanging out with Hunter. I don’t think that’s right. I didn’t even think it was right to hang out with just Kyle, but there was no way around it because he doesn’t drive. I just don’t do that. Well, I don’t think it’s wrong that you are with Sarah right now, at Warped Tour. Sarah is cool, and I like her, and the way you talk to her doesn’t sound like flirting so it doesn’t bother me. xD But the way you talk to virtually everyone else does. -.- Like seriously, why the fuck are all of your friends at school GIRLS? Can’t you have fucking guy friends? Girls are fucking annoying, stop being so fucking nice to them. AND STOP FUCKING TELLING ME ABOUT IT! I don’t think I can handle it anymore! I just want to tell you “I DON’T FUCKING CARE WHAT YOU DID WITH THEM!”, but that is really mean. But, whatever. I admit it. It’s true. I do not give a fuck what you do with other girls. I do not care, I do not want to hear about it. It makes me mad. I don’t want to hear about all the fun times you had with this other girl that wasn’t me. I know I’m a CRAZYYYY BITCH, how many more times do I have to fucking say that! I don’t want to be with you when you are being friendly to other girls, and I certainly don’t want to hear about it either! So just. FUCKING STOP! I thought this summer would be the best ever, I thought I would see you at LEAST every other day, I thought I would be spending so much time with you, I thought your attention would be on me and mine on you, I thought you would talk to me more now that you don’t have homework and stuff, I thought we would be closer than ever before, BUT I GUESS I THOUGHT WRONG! After knowing everything that gets on my nerves, how could you still want to stay with me? I hope you know that this couldn’t last forever. I was bound to blow up and tell you all this if we stayed together. I don’t know what to tell you. I. am. crazy. I am a crazy woman, and there is no way you could ever completely satisfy me so. I don’t even know what to do to satisfy you, because you don’t tell me anything! I don’t even know what you want! I don’t even know what bothers you! TELL ME! Fucking tell me, right now, I wanna know! FUCK! It’s hot in here. I have issues. Issues issues issues, I hate being a woman.
7/28: It is 3:30 in the morning. I have to wake up at nine. I am upset. I cannot sleep. First I was scared. Now I am still a little scared, and I can’t stop thinking about you. The first time you came over my house after you confessed to me. How it felt to touch your freckled skin. How much I wanted you before you gave me a second thought. How I only used to wear pretty things on A days, because of English. How I came into school (when I didn’t have to) with a crack all the way up my tooth, in the hope that I would see you before being whisked off to the dentist. I didn’t even see you that day… I should have stayed home, huh? How I read that entire star wars book in two days just to impress you. How I wanted you to think I was interesting…but I never felt good enough. How my heart was beating in the stairwell when I wouldn’t let you leave my birthday party. How excited I got when you held my hand at Harry Potter. How I made fun of you to everyone who would listen, because I was bitter that you didn’t like me. How close I was to you, when you tackled me while Steven, you and I were playing Halo. I think I hear someone coming.
8/1: It had dawned on me. This is the first day in a long time that I have not been excited for college. I don’t want my new friends.. I want you. I want Michelle. I don’t want to leave either of you, I don’t want either of you to leave me. Michelle is leaving me. I’m leaving you. I have about fifteen more days with you. This is terrible. You really are going to hate me, when you find out how long ago I decided to do this to you. I hate throwing away something so good.. Although we have our differences, although sometimes your rational ways irritate me, and I feel unwanted, it isn’t worth breaking up for. It bothers me that the only reason is that I am a wimp and can’t handle not being with you. Like, I almost wish we had more problems. I wish I had more of a reason to leave you. But I don’t. I have the shitty-est reason ever, and I will not find a relationship as good as ours for a long time. Karma is gonna catch up to me one day. This will be the third heart I have broken. But… I told you. Don’t you remember? I told you I would be the one to hurt you. I told you it would be that way, and not the other way around. I wish it wasn’t so. I need to be hurt by someone. I need to fully understand what I have done to others in the past. I wish you hurt me, and I didn’t hurt you. This sucks. I feel like such a bitch. Here you are, talking about our one year anniversary and constantly bringing up my birthday, while I sit quietly, knowing none of that will happen. I decided the other day that I am going to have a birthday party though, and I wish for you to come. That isn’t so you can give me presents.. I just want to see you at my birthday party. I don’t want any presents from you, I don’t deserve any. So please, don’t get me anything. If you must, I’d rather you just draw me something, make me something. That means more, anyways. Oh, my head hurts. Fifteen more days. If you knew, would you be with me more often? Nonetheless, you should want to be with me as much as possible this month. You are going to college on the 20th. So even if I wasn’t leaving you around the 15th, that is only five more days. And this is how you treat it? You should want me at least every other day. Why don’t you? It makes me upset. Don’t you want to see me before you are gone? Do you realize how many days we have together? Even if you are still under the impression we will stay together in college, you have to know that we wouldn’t be seeing much of each other. So don’t you want to spend as much time as possible together before that happens? I guess not. But, I know you are a smart guy. I think you have some inkling that I am going to leave you. Maybe because you don’t want it to happen, you are telling yourself it wont, and that we will have a year, and that we will be together for my birthday. But I honestly think you know. You just don’t want to know. Michelle says boys are stupid, and never get the hint. Every time you bring up our relationship in the future sense, haven’t you noticed I never reply? That I just sort of change subject? That I am never as excited as you are? If you haven’t, that is really sad. I thought you were smarter than that. I really don’t like this. I don’t want to do it, especially because it wasn’t a mutually decided thing. I just really hope it isn’t that much of a shock. I hope you are a little prepared, at least. If you aren’t… Well, that just means I am even more of a bitch. I just don’t want you to be sad.. Truthfully, I don’t know what you are going to do. Because I don’t even know you, I don’t know how your feelings work. I feel like you will be rational about it, and focus on school work instead of not having a girlfriend. But who knows, you could be more emotional than you let on. I am not so delusional to believe that you won’t feel any sadness at all, but I truly think you will be okay. I really hope that I am doing it early enough so that it doesn’t impact your school work. But I wanted to be with you as long as possible.. But now I fear that 5 days before you leave is pretty close. Will you be okay by then? I sincerely hope that you will be. That is one thing I am very worried about… I am not looking forward to this. Not at all. ):
8/8: copied from private blog…
As the day looms closer and closer, I keep wanting to change my decision. I do not want to leave Zac. I do not want him to go. I don’t know what to do. I can’t have everything. I want to stay with him. I don’t want to stay with him. I want to make out with other people. But I just want to make out with him, because nobody else is as appealing. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t really want any one else as much as I want him. He knows it. He knows it is going to happen. The other day he spoke of me spending the night with him at VCU, again. I did not reply. He asked “Right?”. I didn’t answer. I didn’t know what to do. I can’t lie to him. He has to know, after that…
FUCK. I AM SO UPSET. I don’t want to feel like this! You know why I need fucking weed? You know why I have felt like smoking so much recently? Because I don’t want to think about Zac. I don’t want to think about how fucking wonderful he is, and how much I’m going to fucking miss him, like I’m doing right now. When I am high, all my troubles go away. I feel better. I don’t think about Zac. I am not sad.
He makes me so happy. But only really when I am physically with him. And that is why… that is why it cannot happen. It won’t work. I don’t even want to try it, because I know I’ll be fucking depressed during my first month of school, and during the rest of it too, and that just sucks. I don’t want to be depressed. So, of course I am going to make someone else depressed. I am so fucking selfish.
Do.Not.Want.
Not copied: On another note, and I am unaware if I had already stated this but, I wanted to explain the reason I started this blog post. At first, I started it so I could tell you, the best I could, everything that you did that bothered me. I needed to do it, because I felt like I was hiding something from you, and I didn’t like that. But, I feel like if I had told you my feelings at the time they were happening, you would not be happy. You would think I was crazy and irrational, but that is just how my feelings work. I decided I am not crazy, and most girls think like this and if they say they don’t then they are lying. I thought you would get mad. Because I never fully explained my upset feelings to you, you never got mad at me, and we both stayed happy. I cannot handle anger from the people I care about most. I can handle it from my family, but I wouldn’t be able to from you or Michelle. I don’t even like when you are irritated, and that isn’t even as bad as anger. It also turned into something that I edited when I was upset about leaving you (which happens constantly). I decided that I wanted to better explain my reasoning, although when I tell you about it there will probably be loads of explaining. Man, are you gonna see an ugly face. I will be sobbing like there is no tomorrow. I am not attractive when I sob. I don’t know what I am going to do… Every time I think about it I get upset, and have to force myself to think of something else. You really have no idea how much I want to stay with you… It could even possibly end up with me missing you more than you missing me. But I don’t know. I don’t know how you feel. I don’t want this to happen. Fuckkkk.
8/9: At first, I was upset that you didn’t want to go and get the condom out of your car so we could have sex. I was upset because I wanted to feel good too, but you were all like naw just blow me (but not really, you’re nicer than that XD)… But mostly, I was upset because that was going to be our last time. I know you didn’t know that. And now that fucking condom is going to go to waste, which bothers me. xD But still! What the fuck man! I wanted to do it with you one last time. ): I realized, that it is actually really special with you. Maybe it doesn’t last long, and maybe sometimes it hurts more than it feels good, but I don’t care. It is a way that we become closer, and I don’t care how stupid or cliche that sounds. Because it’s true… Otherwise, I wouldn’t have cried afterwards. On two occasions. xD I am sad that I will never have that with you again. Unless you wanna do it next summer. And if you don’t then I was totally joking. xP But if you do… xD Well, you do live practically down the street….
The point is, I decided that our last time was special. It happened after an amazing, fun night. It also happened in your car. That concert was super fun, and although we ended up in different places, I still felt like we were together. We shared something. We shared an experience, we shared music, we even bought the same shirt! Although we went about it in our own ways, it still happened. And at the end of the night, we got to pass out in one another’s arms. It was as if we had been together the entire night. I knew I was going to get my way. I don’t know how I knew, because you usually get your way when it comes to sex. x) I felt like it was something that would be good for you. I knew you had a rough night with all of the crowding and the people, so I wanted to make you feel good, and give you an amazing end to an already wonderful night. It was very fun, and I enjoyed it although we were both insanely tired and worn out from the concert. Have you realized anything yet? The first time we had sex, it was in your car after prom. It ended where it started. I am satisfied. It was special, it was symbolic. I sincerely hope you feel the same. (:
8/11: Why do you do this? Why do you say you will be here around 6, and show up at 7? Why do you say you will be here at a certain time, and not actually come until hours later? It is not fine. It pisses me off every single time you do it, which is nearly every time you come over. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU DO THIS??!! Can’t you just say, I’ll be there at 7. AND NOT SIX. IF YOU AREN’T ACTUALLY GOING TO BE HERE BY THEN. Because then you know what I do? NOTHING. I can’t do anything, because I am fucking waiting for someone who doesn’t show up for hours! EVER! There are only certain things that people can do while waiting, and the list is very short. I can’t do anything that takes long, because you might come by then, and then I have to stop. And that would suck. But instead, I don’t do anything that takes long for HOURS. hours. So I am stuck doing pointless, small things for hours, because you can’t seem to tell me the time that you are ACTUALLY going to be here. I understand 15 minutes. 30 is stretching, and rarely acceptable. Anything after that is ridiculous! I don’t even know why I let myself feel this way for so long, when I am ending up telling you anyways. I do not like poor planners. I don’t understand why you have to make me wait. And why you have to come so late in the first place. What does this give us? three hours? Wow, gee, thanks. I definitely wanted a mere three hours with you for the last time we hang out as a couple.
8/12: I cried as soon as you left. It was difficult enough to not cry when you were here. I don’t even wanna talk about that, though. I don’t want a bad memory for the last time we really hung out. I have been watching TV shows on my laptop from the moment you left. I just stopped. Bad idea. It’s never felt so close. Of course, it never has been so close, and thinking about it… Knowing I will never spend time with you as your girlfriend again.. I don’t know what to do. I’m freaking out. It’s not fair. My head hurts. I hurt. I don’t wannnaaa. I don’t want to do this.. It’s not fair. I mean, you just proved to me further today that you aren’t going to be paying me much attention. Fuck not talking about today. You know, I just wanted to cry and ask you, why are you here? It’s not like you were there for me. You didn’t do anything with me! What the fuck! Is that what you want? Why did you even come over? OUR FAVORITE NUTS ARE FUCKING CASHEWS. FUCK. WHY THE FUCK… And then I ate cashews! I ate fucking cashews, and thought about how they are your favorite, too. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. Why is that even important? I don’t even know. I’m sorry I touched your head so much today, when you told me you didn’t like it. You were pissing me off and I was being mean because it wasn’t fair that I couldn’t fucking touch your fucking head. But in case you didn’t notice, I didn’t touch it after that. Just saying. Please… please. Don’t miss me. I’m not worth it. Fuuucckk. You know, I think we are pushing the limit as it is. We have never had a fight, we have never even really gotten mad at each other. But it would have happened, and soon at that. I can feel it. Maybe this is good. End it on a good note. End it where we never fought, and had a peaceful relationship. That’s why I didn’t tell you I was upset today. It would have been pointless. Sunday I am saying goodbye, so why would I create our first fight directly before? I should have broken up with you today, I know. But I couldn’t… I didn’t want to. I wasn’t ready. I won’t ever be, though… 2:30 am, and here I am. I’d be much worse if I had done it, but this is still pretty bad. My eyes are going to hurt so badly on Monday. Damn! I’ll have to focus on NOT rubbing my eyes. That’s what really makes them hurt, because I rub them to dry them, and then it makes them sore. You know, for the longest time I thought I could just have sex with someone I liked and was attracted to. Well, it wasn’t that long, but I was like, well now I have had sex with Zac and it was pretty sweet, so maybe I’ll do other people later on. But now I just think… I don’t know if I can have sex with someone I don’t have serious feelings for. Which just.. it blows my mind. I thought I was into the physical aspect of it, but .. I guess not? I don’t know, I’m confused. You know how earlier, I was talking of how I wanted to get close to someone? I guess I was using that as one of my attempts. I think it sort of worked though. And now, I just… I don’t want to do it with anyone else. Of course, I’ll change my mind eventually, but I have no long how that will take. Longer than I had originally planned. And I don’t know why I am telling you this, but it seems important. Maybe it will make you feel better. You are special. I’m not just saying that, I mean it. You are special to me, and I will never, ever, ever forget you. You are my high school sweetheart. You are so, so special, Zac. I am so glad I met you. I am so glad you took English IB. I am so glad you came to public school for your last two years. I am so glad I find tall freckly big nosed awkward boys cute. Aren’t you glad that I held out my feelings for you? It’s a miracle, really. It’s like my feelings knew that you would eventually fall for me, but they forgot to mention that to me. You have made me frustrated, upset, neglected, and angry. But I am so incredibly glad that we had a relationship together. I honestly don’t know what I am going to do. I hate being single, but I will compare every boy I meet to you, and no one will be as good. I know I easily crush but… man did I crush on a good one! I’m going to miss it. You have spoiled me. You let me do whatever I want. If I don’t want to watch a movie, you don’t really push. If I want to hang out with boys, you totally let me (which is actually annoying, but good at the same time). You have never yelled at me, or anything like that. You have been such a great boyfriend, Zac. I know that I have complained about a lot of things in this post, but nobody is perfect. I know I could have communicated and possibly made things better for myself, but I didn’t want to bother you. I just wanted you to be happy. I didn’t want you to be irritated at me. And you weren’t (as far as I know. If you were, you better tell me, mister). I just… This has been so good, Zac. It is a shame to lose this feeling, to lose you… I don’t know what I am going to do without you. I know I’ll be alright eventually, but I am not alright now. “Take the pain out of love, and then love won’t exist” I’m not saying this was love, but it was close enough to use this quote. x) I guess no break up is easy. no break up is completely pain-free. Someone is gonna get hurt. In this case, both parties. Yet, I am doing all the hurting. Fack. Okay, it is getting late. I need to go to sleep. I know I won’t, though. I’ll be thinking of you. Remembering all of the wonderful things we did together… I’m pathetic, I know. You don’t have to tell me twice.
8/14: Thinking about tomorrow makes my stomach hurt. I have nothing else to say but that. It’s 2 in the morning, and I probably will not sleep for a long, long time. I dread tomorrow.
Yes, I am aware that I spammed my tumblr with links of (mostly star wars) items that I want.
[ Posted Sun, 14 Aug 2011 15:25:00 ]
I am a greedy little bitch.
BLAHHHH
[ Posted Fri, 12 Aug 2011 05:02:13 ]
WHATS GOING ON. WHAT AM I DOING. ITS FIVE AM. MEHHH.
gb
[ Posted Thu, 11 Aug 2011 13:09:04 ]
I cannot remember the last time I had smoked a gb with Michelle. We used to only smoke out of gbs. It was like going back in time. Except that I got way more high this time. XD That was a night filled with awesomeness. Spray painting the street gold, playing Halo live like the old days, and smoking out of a gb once again. We also ate nearly a whole bag of cheddar chex mix. And Michelle drank my little hug when she thought I went to sleep. xD Hahaa. Fucking. Awesome.
My stomach hurts today. xP
Spray painting the street gold
[ Posted Wed, 10 Aug 2011 23:30:02 ]
Tagged with: It feels wonderful to do something against the law.
Fuck a new layout.
[ Posted Wed, 10 Aug 2011 03:28:58 ]
I’ll just make my font bigger. xD That’s all I really wanted, anyways… I mean, a new one would have been nice but… Oh well. I’m picky.
ALRIGHT.
[ Posted Wed, 10 Aug 2011 03:04:32 ]
I have been fucking with this layout for probably close to two hours. I can’t fucking make it have tags without the tags showing directly above the next post. I can’t fix the fucking centered thing, and every time I try to fix these things it fucks up the whole theme. It pisses me off, because I know this stuff. I mean, I obviously don’t know it well enough to create an entire theme from scratch, but I know my coding. I just cant figure out this height thing. I know html better than css, and that is the problem. There is something going on with the height, or maybe the margins or… something I just can’t figure out! It’s so frustrating… I really liked the idea of this theme, too. Goddammit. I need my tags to show up though, it bugs me if they don’t. Now I have to hunt for another one. -.-
FUCK YOU, CODING! Y U NO MAKE SENSEEEEE.
Well, it really does make sense. I just don’t know much about placement and alignment and stuff like that. Damn, it just makes me feel stupid. >.>
New layout.
[ Posted Wed, 10 Aug 2011 01:53:00 ]
Can’t decide if I like it. Well, I really like the text posts, and because that is what this blog usually is, I will probably keep it. I don’t like how some of the text is centered though? Like, previous comments that people had on pictures. They are centered, and it bothers me. I think I shall fix it.
Also, I decided to go with infinite scrolling. I don’t know if I like it on this blog, but I might change my main to infinite scrolling…
Er, just kidding though,
[ Posted Tue, 09 Aug 2011 00:57:42 ]
because being in a relationship with Zac Carroll is way better than being in one with Han Solo!
Tagged with: cough cough cough, (;
I wish I knew your facebook password.
[ Posted Tue, 09 Aug 2011 00:56:20 ]
Because then I could change your name to Han Solo. Then, it would say I was in a relationship with Han Solo. ♥
Tagged with: han solo, zac, facebook, what if I could just be like, yeah I'm dating Han Solo!
fack.
[ Posted Tue, 09 Aug 2011 00:09:07 ]
I am the worst high person ever. XD
[ Posted Mon, 08 Aug 2011 11:26:20 ]
Seriously. xD It’s annoying. Like… If I get really high, I just sort of like go in my own mind and stay there. It’s like I forget that other people are there. x) I’m with myself, but it isn’t lonely. I just sit there, or lay there, and think. If I do interact with other people, I am just fucking annoying as shit. XD All I could think about when I looked at Sam was that he kept looking like different animals. Then he kept looking like a salamander, and I thought it was really funny. Also, I never thought a tent could be that comfortable. My mind was blown about how comfy I was. I kept feeling bad because we didn’t smoke up Jason and Billy, and they helped us put up a huge ass tent in the dark. xD But oh welllll. I wish I remembered that Patrick wanted to watch Waking Life. I told him I had it on my computer, and he said we should watch it, but then when I had my computer I totally forgot. xD I feel so bad, I just like do nothing when I am high ahaha. I was like watching Patrick and Matt, and then Shell and Sam, and they were like silhouettes, it was weird. They kept switching sides of the tent and I was like wtf. Shell kept laughing at me when I was on the computer because I was making funny faces. XD Probably because I successfully bred a magma dragon and a thunder dragon, which was exciting. xD I was like yay, I’m awesome ! But really, I have no life. xP
Past Fashion Sense.
[ Posted Sat, 06 Aug 2011 21:53:19 ]
“Oh, hi, little Meesh! I'm more distracted by everything around her neck than the hair xD”
That is the kind of stuff we used to wear everyday. xP
I miss you.
[ Posted Fri, 05 Aug 2011 22:46:29 ]
I'm tired.
[ Posted Thu, 04 Aug 2011 22:49:32 ]
I am not in the mood for people. at all. bleh.
tcdcdtctxcygvgvub
[ Posted Wed, 03 Aug 2011 01:14:52 ]
sanukk:
there's a twilight discussion going on on my freshman class fb page. Guvyvytcfyccygvgvguvggubbubugbtttdrdwzaqaeunimlplojgyftdswaw I want to troll so badly
I FEEL THE SAME WAY.
When I saw that, I was just like… wtf, are there 14 year old girls going to college now?
This is really frustrating.
[ Posted Tue, 02 Aug 2011 12:47:05 ]
Why is it so difficult to get weed? Why does everyone suck? Why won’t some people answer their fucking phones, and why are some people little fucking bitches?
Tagged with: frustration
):
[ Posted Tue, 02 Aug 2011 02:51:56 ]
FUCK.
[ Posted Tue, 02 Aug 2011 02:25:40 ]
FUCK FUCK FUCK.
I HATE BEING AWAKE. I HATE BEING LONELY.
Why is everyone asleep? Why doesn’t anyone talk to me?
Yet, I can’t stand people. I’ve been chilling on tumblr for a few hours, and I just want to scream. I’m sick of everyone. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be a part of this sick place. Oh, but I am.. I’m just as worse, twice as worse, thrice as worse, than more than half of them. I’m sick. I don’t want to be. I don’t want to exist. I just want to scream out to everyone.
But I don’t want to feel like this.. But I can’t stop. There are so many things wrong with the world that I can’t just pretend that it’s all okay. There are so many things wrong with me…
I just want someone to distract me. I want to be in college where I won’t be alone. Where I won’t be distracted. Will college live up to my expectations? I’m tired. Sadly not sleepy tired. I want to sleep.
Mostly, I want to stop thinking.
I want it to stop, I want it to go away. I have nothing good to think about. It’s nighttime. I have nothing to do. No one to talk to, no one to be with. This is why I fucking need weed. I wouldn’t be flipping a shit if I was high. I would be fucking content as shit. I’m sick of this feeling! Why does no one have fucking weed that I can buy! Goddammit! And I can’t drive, and now Michelle can’t fucking drive. I FUCKING NEED WEED . I CANNOT STOP THIS ALONE. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK HOW THAT SOUNDS. I just want it to stop… Please… make it stop… I can’t…I can’t do it.. I can’t do anything.
Tagged with: fuck, i dfgfnrdjgntkhnfh, gdscxbhjdndbf, fsgjvdnxfkes, GODDAMMIT, dshfvds, fuckfuckfufskldfeshfrs
What I have eaten today:
[ Posted Tue, 02 Aug 2011 00:37:27 ]
Pizza rolls
One chocolate chip pancake
Popcorn
I’m so incredibly healthy.
Tom's best pick up lines.
[ Posted Tue, 02 Aug 2011 00:35:20 ]
Tagged with: draco, tom, lol, malfoy
Wow, that was really negative.
[ Posted Mon, 01 Aug 2011 16:12:34 ]
thespaceindian:
I don't feel bad or anything now btw! I hope that came across when I said I felt better when I woke up with you :) I'm good now, and can look back saying I enjoyed the first half of each of their sets!
I know honey. I know you don’t like crowds, or people, and I could tell you really didn’t enjoy the dancing like Sarah and I did. It made me sad, because I really wanted you to have as much fun as I was having. It didn’t seem right that I came to the concert because of you, but we ended up splitting… But I understand that crowds of people really isn’t your thing, and it is difficult for you to look past all of the touching and sweating and gross people. You tend to get really cranky when you are tired. xP I just didn’t want you to be unhappy. So, as long as you had a good time, I’m happy. (:
Not my fucking fault
[ Posted Mon, 01 Aug 2011 16:05:53 ]
“I am sick of your eating habits. Always getting sick because you don’t eat!”
Mother, don’t you realize that I am sick of it too? How is it my fault that I am never hungry, and despise the feeling of being full? How is it my fault that half of the time, the very smell of food repulses me? Do you think I enjoy being sick? Do you think I enjoy not being able to eat like a normal human being? FUCK/.
Tagged with: goddammit
Wow.
[ Posted Mon, 01 Aug 2011 14:01:13 ]
How did I ever forget? Why did I forget how much fun concerts are? Wow.
At the door, the guy asked me if I was 21. I felt so happy, I knew that night would be a good one. I don’t care if he asks that to everyone. It felt awesome.
When we arrived, I still wasn’t sure about things. I still sort of felt like a poser, and I didn’t really know what to do. The first band was alright. They weren’t ska, so it was odd, because I was suddenly in the mood to hear ska and not them. xD But the girl was cute because she was all awkwardly dancing, and her outfit was silly. The lead singer guy looked like a turtle sometimes which was amusing, and the other dude that sung sometimes was really entertaining to watch, he was really enjoying himself. x) Then I spotted these little boys up on the balcony, and they were so cute! I mean, they weren’t that little, but they were really young for being at a concert. They both had Reel Big Fish shirts on, and they were just adorable. I enjoyed looking at them from time to time, because I’m a pedophile and sometimes they danced and it was cute.
I enjoyed the second band more. They were from England, so accents are always a plus. Their show was more fun, because people started dancing more and making circle pits and stuff. Sarah would join, and I sort of envied her. I wanted to go… I wanted to join, but I was sort of nervous since I didn’t know how to skank. xD Also, I knew I would when Streetlight Manifesto played, because I like them more and I would be more excited. x) I still jumped and sort of danced with Zac, so it was okay. ^w^ It was a nice show to get me excited for Streetlight.
I really liked the yellow Streetlight Manifesto shirts. I wanted one of my own, so I could have something from my first ever Ska show. :D Although I hadn’t started dancing by then, I knew I would eventually. Zac got one too, so we match! x) I think I will alter mine though, at least cut off the collar and probably make the sleeves shorter.
I wanted Streetlight to play Point/Counterpoint because that is my favorite song, and I don’t know if it is Zac’s but I do know he likes it a lot. That would have gotten me really pumped, and I wanted to dance with Zac. ^w^ I really wanted to go in and dance, because we were so far back that it wasn’t like I could SEE the band anyways. But like.. I felt like such a poser. xD I was trying to watch people skank, sort of get a feel of how it’s done. Just when I was getting annoyed at myself for not going in and enjoying my favorite band that played that night, Sarah pulled me in. :D I told her I didn’t know how to skank, but she just started dancing, and I tried to copy what she was doing. x) I knew I looked dumb because I wasn’t doing it right, but I don’t think anyone really judges you at a concert and I wouldn’t care if they did anyways. But, we would stand on the edge of the circle and push people back in, or go in and dance, and I was really starting to have fun. :D But then Zac went way back, and it was sad. ): We lost him for awhile, and we kept looking for him. We saw him go in the pit, but never saw him go out. xD Then we saw him way behind us near Delaney. I waved. ^w^ I was out of shape, although I didn’t really feel it until Reel Big Fish. Streetlight Manifesto played their cover of Such Great Heights, and I was SO excited. I was jumping and screaming the words, and having such a good time. x) If they weren’t going to play Point/Counterpoint, at least they played a song that I really like, and know the words to haha. That was really exciting, I really was going crazy. I feel like Zac was with me for that though, so maybe that happened before he went way behind us? Whatever, time gets warped during concerts. xP I was sort of sad when they stopped, I wanted them to play longer. xD I enjoyed them, although I couldn’t really see them.
When I used to go to concerts with Kelsey and Michelle, and even Omar, it was like the whole point was getting as close to the front as possible. Although we would get pounded into the fence, or the stage, or whatever barrier was at the front, we persisted. It was like we had to see the band up close, for the entire concert. It was always much too crowded to actually dance.. I don’t deny that I didn’t enjoy it, especially at the Alesana concert, because he touched my face, and omg we were so close to them and we were fifteen year old girls, so yeah. xD I remember Kelsey and I couldn’t breathe at the All Time Low concert, because people were pushing into us so much, so we just sat in the corner of the stage for the remainder of the concert. That was awesome too, I can’t deny that. But this time… It was wonderful. It was a great experience, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. This time, it wasn’t about seeing the band. It was about feeling the music. I don’t care how cheesy that sounds. It was about feeling it, and dancing, and having fun with everyone else who were all experiencing the same thing. Sarah was talking to this one guy at one point, and told him how she loves Ska shows, because it’s like a family. It was like, everything that went on was a form of expression. It was just so amazing… I am so happy I went, and didn’t miss out on it. It was something completely different than I have ever done at a concert, and part of that was because this was my first Ska show, and I’m used to being at the front. It’s not about seeing, it’s about feeling.
Before Reel Big Fish, Zac wanted to go to the front. I was sad he was leaving, but after having so much fun with Sarah, I couldn’t give that up. I felt a little bad, because I had come to the concert because of Zac, not Sarah. But I could tell he wasn’t having fun where we were, and the front was probably better suited for him. We obviously couldn’t both have fun at the same place, so it was okay. I just missed him. I know Sarah would have been okay by herself though; she didn’t need to have someone she already knew with her. I’m really glad she was with me though, we had loads of fun. She would decide where we went, what we did. This was her thing, not mine, and she knew how to have fun so I didn’t mind. I didn’t want to make any decisions. xD She would pull me in if she felt like dancing, and we would dance. I could feel myself getting more familiar with skanking, and I think I got it down, but only on one speed. When the music would speed up, most people sped up their skanking, and I couldn’t. I tried, and awkwardly failed. Many, many times. xD I’ll have to practice… People would make circles, and put their arms around each other, and skank with only their feet. I didn’t feel like I would belong in one of those circles, but Sarah pulled me into one, and it was really fun! There were some circles where people wouldn’t have arms around each other, but were just skanking, and that was fun too. I didn’t feel awkward doing it anymore, and different people did it differently, so I just considered what I was doing my own style, starting from how Sarah does it. xD I had fun nonetheless. Then Sarah pulled me over, and asked in my ear if I wanted to crowd surf. I shook my head up and down, and we searched for tall big dudes, and of course found some. x) I looked for Zac, because I wanted him to see me and I wanted to smile at him. I wanted to keep my feet up too, so I didn’t hit anyone. x) So, that was really fun. I’m glad Sarah has pink hair, because it’s pretty easy to find her, even in such a dark place aha. Occasionally we would join the pit of people pushing and such, but I think Sarah felt like she had to ‘protect’ me because she told Zac she would. xP That was sort of annoying, I knew I would be okay.. I mean, I appreciate it, but still. I only fell down once! :D At Gwar I fell at least four times, possibly more aha. I wish I didn’t fall down so easily, it happens in soccer too! I think the pits are fun from time tp time. I wouldn’t do it for long, but it’s just sort of exciting now and then. This one guy kept looking at me, and I thought he was kind of creepy, and he told me to get on his shoulders. I didn’t really want to, but I wanted to at least see the band once, because I never even got a glimpse. Then everyone told him to get me off, and this really tall lady helped me down, and I thanked her. Then Sarah wanted to crowd surf again, but I was insanely thirsty so I got water. I thought it was awesome that they just had water pitchers and cups at the bar, I was very thankful for that. Then people made a train! Or conga, whatever. I call it a train. x) That was fun. Then it smelled like weed, and I was sad… I wanted to find the weed and smoke it. xD And the lady behind us in the train thought it was me, and said something to me about how I smelled. Although it sort of sounded negative, I wished I was the person who smelled like weed. xD I told her it wasn’t me, but she probably didn’t hear me cause she left.. Mean lady. Eventually, I got to the point where I was skanking and joining peoples circles without Sarah. I felt accomplished. ^w^ Although I was basically dying from being out of shape, I never wanted it to end. My knee hurt, my ankle hurt, my feet were killing me, I had cramps for like an hour because I was out of shape, but I persisted. Nothing would stop me, because I knew it only lasted for one night. Although I like Streetlight Manifesto as a band better, I had loads of fun during Reel Big Fish. I knew the words to the songs Slow Down and She Has a Girlfriend Now, so I didn’t feel as poser-ish. They played one song (or part of a song) over and over again, and told us to do different things for them, which was really fun. :D The square dancing was silly, but I didn’t really find anyone else to square dance with, because nobody wanted me… xP That’s when I really wanted Zac, aha. I wanted to have fun with him… Their last song was a cover of Take On Me, and that was insanely fun. Wait, I think that was their last song? xD They had like three ‘last songs’, because they kept saying this was the last song, but then it wouldn’t be. xD Overall, it was a superb experience. That was fucking kick ass.
I felt so drained of energy afterwards. But I am terrible at sleeping, so Zac got way more sleep than me, I was jelly. My head was like hitting the side of the car in an uncomfortable way, and I was insanely annoyed that Mrs. Boggs was making us wear seatbelts. Because I was so grateful for her kindness, I did what she asked. But eventually, I couldn’t take it. The seatbelt was cutting into my skin, it was causing me to be too close to the side so my neck and my head hurt, and I unbuckled but made it look still buckled. I slid down to be more comfortable, and that is probably when I fell asleep for the first time. I had ‘Harry Potter in 99 Seconds’ stuck in my head for the entire car ride. I couldn’t tell you why. I wanted it to shut the fuck up. Zac said he was too tired to do it when we got back, but we could still stop at our spot and cuddle. Although I was drained, I still wanted to do it because it sounded fun. xD But at least I got to eventually sleep next to Zac, so that was nice. x) When I awoke, my entire left leg and foot was asleep. It was the bad kind too, that hurts. I had to sit up and wait for it to stop before I laid back down with my dearie.
We got to Sarah’s house, then Zac brought us to our spot. He said he didn’t want to do it, but then why was his dick moving? So then I got it, and he told me I win and to get the condom. x) So that was exciting! Sex after a concert. I have never gotten to do that before. Next thing I need to do is smoke weed after a concert. I don’t even know how we did that though, because we were both incredibly tired. xD Ah well, it was really fun. I got home, and just wanted to sleep. I hurt all over. I didn’t even sleep for awhile, but I got there eventually…
Awesome night. Fucking Spectacular. Thank you, Zac. (:
Tagged with: streetlight manifesto, reel big fish, ska, skanking, Zac, (:, 7/31/11
Why do people suck so much?
[ Posted Sun, 31 Jul 2011 02:55:16 ]
I am a person too, therefore, I count.
Tagged with: people, fucking, suck
Goddammit. Fuck.
[ Posted Sun, 31 Jul 2011 02:54:10 ]
I'm bored. and lonely.
[ Posted Sun, 31 Jul 2011 02:33:11 ]
njusgfvhdfgjesngfvjsdkivjsdifnrsjbv
I just finished watching Christopher and His Kind
[ Posted Sun, 31 Jul 2011 00:36:08 ]
kaff-kaff:
It was absolutely brilliant! Matt Smith is a breath taking actor, the whole move was fantastic! I could never say enough good things about it.
took the words right out of my mouth.
Tagged with: matt smith, christopher and his kind
I like No-Butt Zac.
[ Posted Sat, 30 Jul 2011 22:27:14 ]
Tagged with: no-butt zac, Zac has no butt, butt, butt, butt, (:
Hmm.
[ Posted Sat, 30 Jul 2011 02:27:00 ]
I haven’t posted one of my signature depressing and dramatic rants for quite awhile. Probably because summer is too boring to make me feel sad. Except at night. Although lately, I have been getting scared at night. It is really irritating, because fear is so irrational and stupid. Especially the fear I feel. I am not afraid of death. Honestly, I am not. I do not give a fuck if I die. And yet, I am terrified that someone or something is in my room, in my house. I hear things, I can’t see my whole room so I constantly turn everywhere in suspense. In my closet, under my bed, behind my couch, behind the dressers.. there are so many places to hide in my room. I hope I won’t have this stupid fear shit in college. Of course, I will still fear insects and dogs because I am fucking crazy, but whatevers. I remember when I was very young, I was terrified of opening my blinds, because I would swear there was a man looking in, but he was merely a skeleton. I am not afraid of the skeleton man anymore. I honestly detest being such an incredible wimp, and I do not believe I have ever admitted it in such a public place before. But I give up. I am a pansy. “But pansies are pretty flowers”, says Zac. Thank you, my darling. But that does not disguise the fact that I have completely irrational feelings that do nothing but damage.
Oh look, I ranted. Of course I did. It is so easy for me to write about what I am thinking…
Tagged with: fear, can, suck, my, dick
NES
[ Posted Sat, 30 Jul 2011 01:58:00 ]
Listening to Star Wars music in 8-bit is really odd. I think I am a really shitty video gamer though, because I suck at everything. Cept Mega Man 2. Then I read that some people say that is one of the easiest NES games. xD And I am stuck on this one level ahaa. I FAIL. Really though, some people would be surprised how difficult some NES games are. Like Zelda. No way I could play that game without a walkthrough, I would get too frustrated. I am sad when I read Kid Icarus is one of the hardest NES games, because Pit is beautiful in SSBB, and I really wanted to play the game he originated from. But one, it wasn’t in the 125 game torrent I downloaded, and two, it sounds too hard. x) And however much I love ff2j, I would never be able to beat it without a walkthrough, and that handy trick to boost weapon skills quickly.
I really am terrible about trying to beat games on my own. I never do it. xD I hate to admit that, but I nearly always use walkthroughs. I try to only glance at them when I am stuck, but on more difficult games I end up reading them word for word. I have barely glanced at it for mega man 2 though! Only to decide which order to defeat the robots in, and which weapons weaken the bosses. I might have looked at a few maps of the levels too, but only when I died and wanted to know how long the level was. So i am proud of myself! I can’t wait to play more games though.. I don’t really know what draws me so much to the NES. Maybe because when I was a kid, I always wanted one, or an SNES or an N64. Also, I remember finding an NES in my neighbors garbage, and asking if I could take it. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find the games anywhere, and my father told me I needed to sell it at our garage sell. I was sad. ): I feel like I owe it to that garbaged and garage sold NES to play what I never could. Also, I really love 8-bit music. XD I remember when I discovered chiptune, and I thought it was so cool, I wished I could make it. Plus, the graphics are so simple, and it is the best working emulator I have ever had on my computer. Once, I tried a gameboy emulator to play a pokemon game I didn’t have, and it kept messing up! NES is the way to go. Simple, beautiful, classic. Maybe if I keep playing, I’ll get better! :D Best gaming system to go into college with, EVER. (:
On a completely different note, because the ptfe tape wasn’t working well with my pink acrylic plugs, I decided to try the tape with my metal tunnels. It works much better, but I wish it worked better with the pink. I prefer the pink, and sometimes the cheap metal bothers my ear. Also, I went swimming today, and I am concerned about when I go swimming or take a shower with metal tunnels in. I can’t take them out because these holes close up very quickly, but I don’t want them to rust in my ear. And I know that can happen, because it happened to Jamie Boler.. I want to hurry up and tape a lot so maybe the cheap metal won’t actually touch the inside of my earlobe. I think that will be more comfortable. Because my ears are a bit irritated. But the tape simply doesn’t work with the pink, it slides all over and doesn’t even touch the inside of my lobes. I wasn’t in any hurry with the pink, but now that the metal irritates my earlobes, I wish to size up as soon as possible. Plus, those red silicone eyelets look so comfy! I really want yellow ones. But I have never seen them at hot topic, and I can’t order any online because my dad doesn’t know yet hahaha.
Tagged with: nes, love, (:, 8-bit
Pastor Dave from That 70's Show is one of the Tallest in Invader Zim.
[ Posted Fri, 29 Jul 2011 14:33:00 ]
I KNEW IT
Tagged with: that 70's show, invader zim, pastor dave, the tallest
Of course
[ Posted Fri, 29 Jul 2011 12:56:57 ]
I would be placed into an all females dorm. OF COURSE I WOULD.
Fuckin’ bitches.
PIRATE BAY
[ Posted Fri, 29 Jul 2011 00:21:28 ]
WONT WORK. AND I HAVE WANTED NES GAMES FOR TWO DAYS NOW. WWWAAAANNTTTT NESSSSSSSS
GODDAMMIT
Today
[ Posted Thu, 28 Jul 2011 23:42:44 ]
We had sex while Star Wars Episode Six was on.
Super nerds all the way. (:
Tagged with: star wars, sex, I think we're awesome
I am sad.
[ Posted Thu, 28 Jul 2011 03:37:04 ]
):
[ Posted Wed, 27 Jul 2011 16:11:29 ]
I have real problems with being naked, or showing too much cleavage and stuff.
I am not insecure about my body. I have a damn good body. I have an awesome womanly hourglass thing going on, I would consider this pretty attractive.
Yet, for some reason this feeling of disgust blooms and spreads every time I realize I am naked, or that someone could see too far down my shirt. I can’t control it. It’s like. I feel like I am doing something wrong. But I am not, because I’m just taking a fucking shower or something. It is natural to be naked. I cannot comprehend why I feel this way, but it really bothers me. I don’t like to feel like this, I don’t like to feel gross about something so natural. It is a terrible feeling that I cannot describe; disgust is not the correct word. It is really, really horrible, and I want it to stop.
I forgot I liked James Bond movies.
[ Posted Tue, 26 Jul 2011 19:15:55 ]
That is quite odd of me. I am not a movie person, especially not an ‘action’ movie type person. Wtf. I think all of the sexual innuendo cracks me up. I will never forget “Pussy Galore”. XD Omg, I’m still laughing. x)
The problem with waking up early
[ Posted Tue, 26 Jul 2011 10:51:26 ]
is that there is nothing to do. AHMMM BOAAARDDD.
and I’ve got an hour to kill. Mehhhhh.
Dancing in the shower to Crystal Castles to ignore my more negative thoughts
[ Posted Mon, 25 Jul 2011 20:57:00 ]
Such as:
This feels icky. I don’t like it.
I hate being naked. ):
Why do I have to be clean? This is stupid.
I’m lonely.
I really don’t like being naked, what shall I do in college? ):
I detest being in a shower. -.-
Tagged with: WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE ELSE ENJOY SHOWERS THEY SUCK, Why am I so weird.
AHM BORED D:
[ Posted Mon, 25 Jul 2011 17:28:03 ]
and sick. not a good combo. What shall I do for the rest of the day? ): This would have been okay if I wasn’t sick today, because I would have been with Zac. ): DAMN YOU SICKNESS. GET OUTTA MAH BODEH
I know that
[ Posted Mon, 25 Jul 2011 16:58:00 ]
I nearly always reply to your text posts. I just feel like I need to tell you what I think about it, although maybe that is a bit self-centered…
I don’t think being unaffected by death makes you an asshole. I don’t know why everyone else thinks that, I don’t understand why it is a terrible thing to not care about death. It’s like in The Stranger! XD But not really.. Speaking of that book, I really wanna buy it in french… THANKS FOR REMINDING ME, EBAY HERE I COME (after I finish typing the post). Okay, I lied, I got the book before I finished this post. x) Sorry dear, my dad was in the room and he has the ebay account aha.
Okay, back on topic aha. I, myself, am not afraid of death. However, I would be sad if certain people died. That is the key word though, certain people. I don’t give a fuck if random people die. Yeah, sucks for them if they were young or whatever, but it happens. Death happens. There is nothing we can do about, they are dead, they left, they aren’t coming back. People have to die for other people to be born. Duh. I think there are probably too many people alive right now anyways. Nonetheless, I don’t find you insensitive or an asshole. You are completely right, plus how you feel about death shouldn’t be a problem to other people. I think people should even envy you, for having the ability to not care about something that happens everyday, that is a natural part of living. Everyone knows they eventually have to die, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise to them… It isn’t reasonable to be sad about death, really, it isn’t. I know I would be sad if you died, if my mom, my sister, my grandparents, michelle died.. anyone I feel close to. It would be a change. My life would be different, I would be more lonely. I would be sad they didn’t get to do the things they wanted to do. I would be sad I couldn’t see their faces any longer, be with them, share experiences. I wouldn’t let it rip me apart or anything, because I know it happens. But there is no denying I would be very sad for awhile. But people I have never met, or people I am not close to.. why should I be sad if they died? Eh, I ramble. Whatever.
Tagged with: death, reply to zac
Ena is getting a haircut Thursday. (:
[ Posted Mon, 25 Jul 2011 14:27:50 ]
A really short hair cut.
Tagged with: YAY ENA
When you burst out crying alone in your room, and you realize that no one truly knows how unhappy you are because you don't want anyone to know.
[ Posted Sun, 24 Jul 2011 20:19:30 ]
Every day of my life.
I think.
[ Posted Sun, 24 Jul 2011 17:17:46 ]
I might have found someone that smokes weed. and she likes harry potter. I knew I should ask on the RMC fb thing if anyone had a tumblr. xD I feel like there are countless people on tumblr who smoke weed, ahaa. xD YAY!
experiences.
[ Posted Sun, 24 Jul 2011 14:40:00 ]
I chose to watch Castle in the Sky in the living room, because I wanted mom and ena to watch it too. Also, I had just watched Atlantis, and they are sort of similar. I wanted them to watch it because it is a really good movie. I find other Miyazaki movies much better, but this one is very good nonetheless. Neither of them are very open-minded about animated movies. It is sort of odd that we have such different preferences. The point is, what is so great about experiencing all these things if you cannot share them with anyone? That’s why I love doing drugs with other people. It just isn’t the same by myself. Yeah, perhaps I make some self-discoveries, or feel better about something. But it just isn’t the same feeling I get when I experience things with other people.
Gah, I’m sick and I don’t want to be.
Tagged with: experiences, castle in the sky, laputa
Eating INSANELY SPICY Thai food last night and being sickly in my throat today is not a good combination.
[ Posted Sat, 23 Jul 2011 17:17:00 ]
Tagged with: IT'S TERRIBLE
MY THROAT HURTS
[ Posted Sat, 23 Jul 2011 15:30:36 ]
And I am sad.
Tagged with: ouch. ):, I don't wanna be sickle
I LIKE ALL THE GIRLS AND ALL THE GIRLS LIKE ME.
[ Posted Fri, 22 Jul 2011 13:36:39 ]
thespaceindian:
squigggle:
keep dreaming, bud.
why dream? I have the one girl I need right here^ ;)
Oh, shut up. (x
Tagged with: I like you.
I MISS YOU
[ Posted Fri, 22 Jul 2011 00:30:04 ]
AND I’M REALLY BORED. STOP GOING TO SLEEP SO EARLY. XP
I LIKE ALL THE GIRLS AND ALL THE GIRLS LIKE ME.
[ Posted Thu, 21 Jul 2011 23:26:24 ]
keep dreaming, bud.
Tagged with: and stop saying that, I don't care if it's stuck in your head, it annoys me, xP
Today, I ate:
[ Posted Thu, 21 Jul 2011 23:24:28 ]
Leftover chips and queso from Moe’s.
Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream.
Shit.
Tagged with: I am going to die., from being unhealthy
SERIOUSLY IRRITATING.
[ Posted Thu, 21 Jul 2011 14:17:00 ]
I DO NOT KNOW WHY. But the people on the RMC 2015 fb group are PISSING ME OFF. There was this stupid PC or Mac post, and most of the people on there prefer Macs. I like Macs okay… but it really isn’t necessary to spend THAT much money on a computer unless you are a FUCKING ARTIST. I am not an artist, therefore I understand why it would be a waste for me to have a Mac. NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE ARTISTS EITHER. AND THEY ARE BASHING ON PCS. PCs are not that bad. They only get viruses because the people that use them are STUPID. And if they know their stuff, you can REMOVE the fucking viruses. I don’t understand where this hate from PCs came from, and I don’t know why it is irritating the fuck out of me. I want to knock some sense into these people, because they are wasting their fucking money. It pisses me off. I just don’t see the point on buying a computer that is THAT expensive when you aren’t going to use it’s full capabilities. I completely understand that you want, even NEED a Mac if you are an artist. But if you just need a computer for school? Really? What the fuck?
I HATE EVERYONE. STOP BASHING ON WHAT I LOVE AND KNOW.
I hope you don't think I was kidding,
[ Posted Wed, 20 Jul 2011 23:41:41 ]
because I really was fucking mad at you. I don’t care if no one can take me seriously when I am mad, and I don’t care that you think I’m cute. It’s only going to make me more angrier at you. Fuck you.
WHY AM I STILL AWAKE WTF
[ Posted Wed, 20 Jul 2011 03:40:54 ]
Hate. EVERYONE
[ Posted Wed, 20 Jul 2011 02:05:20 ]
D:
[ Posted Tue, 19 Jul 2011 21:11:19 ]
HALP! PEDOPHILE!
I DONT EVEN LOOK LIKE A LITTLE GIRL DAMMIT. WHY DO I ATTRACT WEIRD PEOPLE OMG HALP
:D
[ Posted Tue, 19 Jul 2011 20:59:20 ]
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D
NOBODY WANTS ME XD
[ Posted Sun, 17 Jul 2011 21:48:26 ]
I JUST WANNA HAVE A DAMN SLEEPOVER DAMMIT
AND SMOKE WEED. XD
Tagged with: DAMMIT
wat.
[ Posted Sun, 17 Jul 2011 19:40:00 ]
I’ve never been much of a gum-chewer. I never understood why everyone seems to do it. At least, everyone in middle school and the majority of high school. I don’t like the way it feels in my mouth. I start to focus on it, and I don’t like the feeling at all, and it’s all I can think about, so I have to spit it out. My grandpa is a packrat; he saves all this worthless shit and old candy. He grew up in the depression, so it makes sense, I get it… But still. The sweet little old man always gives my cousins, my sister, and I a bag of candy. All of the candy in it is crap and seriously tastes like shit, but somehow, the gum never tastes bad, and it never seems old. So now I have like this pile of gum on my computer desk that I never chew. Ena just opened a pack of my gum, and I took a piece too. Peppermint. I liked how it tasted, I really did. I like minty things, I’m weird like that. Plus, this pack of gum is seriously pretty. It’s orbit and has pretty blue and green designs all over it, so it just looks appealing. But I could not chew it any longer. I didn’t want to throw it away before the flavor was gone, because that is such a waste. But my mouth felt so weird, so funny, I just had to do it. I know this is insanely pointless, and I sincerely hope nobody read this because it would have been a waste of their time. I guess this just proves how pathetic I am. XD How desperate for attention… I don’t want to be at my house. I want to be with someone. Anyone, anyone I like. Even at my house, I don’t care. I don’t want to be here alone, with a weird feeling in my mouth because I chewed something that doesn’t work for me.
Tagged with: chewing, crazy, fucking, gum, lonely
uncomfortable.
[ Posted Sun, 17 Jul 2011 12:14:24 ]
I didn’t know that on my laptop, it wouldn’t allow me to move my taskbar icons to the right side. Ever since I can remember, I have placed my desktop, my internet browser, and itunes on the right side of my taskbar. It makes more sense to me… Everyone else says that’s for left handed people, but why? It’s on the RIGHT FUCKING SIDE. Who would assume that I would want my fucking icons on the left side. I also forgot that laptops do not have click wheels. That really bothers me. I miss my click wheel. I miss opening tabs in new windows with a single click of my wheel. I miss how smooth the scrolling was with my click wheel. This is not smooth. This is uncomfortable. I guess I don’t cope well with things that aren’t comfortable to me. I can deal with change, as long as it’s comfortable. But this is bothersome. This is irritating. I am frustrated. I’m crazy. Seriously.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII feeel so lonelyyyy
[ Posted Sat, 16 Jul 2011 16:25:44 ]
I don’t want to be at myyyy HOUSE.
Tagged with: to be sung
lol, I wrote this in 2007 and just found it.
[ Posted Sat, 16 Jul 2011 15:35:45 ]
hate. lies. people.
why do we live?
so we can die?
so we can filth this world
dirty it up
fill it with our cruel machines
with our disgusting trash
with our foul breath
kill the world
us fat stupid humans
who dont know anything
and will never know anything.
because reality is all just a nightmare
worse then anything you could ever imagine.
i hate myself.
Last night,
[ Posted Sat, 16 Jul 2011 13:26:00 ]
I smoked some weed. Haven’t done that by myself in awhile, and it was much better than I expected. I went to the basement to make pasta roni, because I didn’t want anyone coming into the kitchen and be like WHY YOU AWAKE and me be like O.O THEY KNOW. This turned out to be an excellent decision. I looked through the CDs I had in the basement, and I decided to listen to the one I put The Postal Service and Death Cab For Cutie on, although I knew it skipped and was a little messed up.. I scooped out butter to put in the pasta roni, and it looked just like fucking ice cream, which I thought was really crazy. xD Then I danced and danced and danced! It was wonderful, really. I danced to a few Postal Service songs, then went to the Death Cab For Cutie ones. They way I dance when I am happy is pretty silly. x) It’s like… really crappy and unrefined ballet or something. I run around and turn alot, and put my arms out or up, and sometimes dance on my toes. I was just thinking how I’ll be alright.. That the future will be better than it seems right now.. How I might stop being so depressed all the time.. And I danced, and sung, and ate delicious cheesy pasta. Death Cab For Cutie started skipping so much that it just stopped, so I put in one of The Academy Is… cds I had burned. I continued to dance. Then, I wasn’t hungry anymore, and I felt like just laying in my bed and thinking. For once, I wanted to do that, instead of dreading sleep. I don’t know how I was tired, because I drank a mountain dew voltage. xD I guess the weed overpowered the caffeine. xP I wondered that, when I started to drink it, what happens when you combine weed with caffeine. I found it very interesting when I was high, and I felt like a scientist. xP I think I’ll look that up… But, instead of laying down, for some reason I found myself on the computer. I just wanted to check the RMC facebook group, but then the guy I shadowed on Macon Day started chatting with me, and I was like OH NO I SOUND REALLY STUPID RIGHT NOW. XD But oh well, I didn’t sound that dumb, just a little cheesy I think. He was telling me all this stuff about chemistry labs and how they are fun, interesting, and awesome, and I would just say things like “That sounds so cool!” ahaha. I don’t know what else I did? I feel like I did something else on the computer, but I guess not. I was waiting for him to stop talking. XD Then I went upstairs and decided to read my old journals and find out how retarded I used to be. xD By then, I wasn’t really high anymore. But I eventually got really tired, and went to sleep. edit; oh wait, I posted those last two things on tumblr. XD I don’t even remember posting anything when I was high. haaa.
COOL STORY BRO. But that was really one of the best times I’ve been high by myself, even if it doesn’t sound too interesting. I just felt so… nice. Idk. I felt so content. Like everything was going to be okay… It was a good feeling, one I am not used to.
REALITY
[ Posted Sat, 16 Jul 2011 00:48:39 ]
ijustwannahugyou:
boomingsystem:
Omg awesome! Everyone should see this!
I love this GIF
I have been listening to The Academy Is... the whole day.
[ Posted Sat, 16 Jul 2011 00:11:52 ]
Tagged with: idk why
damn. it.
[ Posted Fri, 15 Jul 2011 22:04:27 ]
Fuck. I don’t remember what I was gonna type about. XD
I wish
[ Posted Fri, 15 Jul 2011 21:22:04 ]
I felt like typing. I feel like I have a lot to say, missing out on blogging for a week. I had to do with a journal… which is insanely sloppy, but I think it gets more of my meaning across. It all depends on my handwriting… then I can instantly tell my mood. I remember one time writing Omar a note in class, and I was mad at him, and it was so sloppy he almost couldn’t read it. I scribble everywhere when I’m frustrated, if I’m crying the ink spreads and runs… It’s much more real, obviously. But I can type faster than I can write, and therefore I can get out many more words. It’s much different than journal-ing to me. But I love my journals… As i said, they are more real. But I blog more, because it is more convenient.. odd.
My head hurts. And my neck.
[ Posted Thu, 14 Jul 2011 03:57:00 ]
and I hate this fucking iPad, I just want my damn computer. Tomorrow, or actually today, is my last day in Florida. Actually technically I’m leaving at like three am on Friday, so whatever. I’m sort of excited for the car ride, because one, I’ll be able to sleep this time, seeing as I will be staying up until three and it doesn’t look like I’m getting too much sleep tonight… And two, I can just peacefully read the entire time. If I run out of Harry potter, I’ve got Han solo. But this truly was a Harry potter trip. All I’ve done is read Harry potter, go to Harry potter world, buy Harry potter things, and I will soon be seeing the very last Harry potter movie. I wanted to go to nthe beach today though ): we only went twice, and the first time wasn’t long at all, and the sun wasnt out. The second time was raining but then it got nice so that was okay. My wrists really hurt now and I am very irritated with this damn thing, so bye. This didn’t fucking help t all, just made me more fucking mad. I really just hate people. And my mind. I WANT TOFUCKING SLEEP WHY ONT YOU LET ME SLEEP YOU GODAMN FUCKER . I hate this.
I have issues.
[ Posted Wed, 13 Jul 2011 21:44:04 ]
Nothing important.
[ Posted Sun, 10 Jul 2011 22:30:26 ]
I just feel like blogging about stuff. Bt it won’t be much, I hate typing on this thing. And I wanna read Harry. Potter, it’s just so fucking good. I officially got my schedule changed, so now I feel loads better (: I can’t wait to meet my roommate (on facebook). We were looking through old photos, and my aunt Charlotte was soooo pretty omg. I don’t think I could handle that… Being so pretty when I was young, then getting fat and tired looking and sick and stuff. I just. I don’t wanna get old. It doesn’t sound fun…. Anyways Im already tired of typing on this damn thing so bye xD I’m not upset so it isn’t necessary ahahaa.
Fuck (again).
[ Posted Fri, 08 Jul 2011 02:41:13 ]
I give up on the sleep. I can’t lay down for more than two minutes without sobbing. I’m tired of not sleeping. Tired meaning SICK. This seems to be another case in which my wants are different than my feelings. I realized that last post took me almost an hour. The iPad had a lot to do with that, but I must have also been sitting there and thinking, because that post jumps subjects so much, it’s retarded. I guess this thing allows me more time to ponder, since it takes longer to type. Although, that post was not very intelligent sounding, so I must not have been thinking too much. I just don’t know what to do. I have been both irritated and miserable all day. I think everyone sucks, especially women, and I would just like to be asleep for a long, long time. Pathetic, I know. I have never been one to deal with my problems… I only run, and distract. I don’t know how to fix them though, that’s the real problem. My mom tells me some of the things I am upset about could possibly be solved by communication. But really, I’d rather not drag anyone else into it. Even if it ever involves other people, I’d rather myself be upset and no one else. It’s better that way, of course. Ah, I really just despise myself.
Fuck.
[ Posted Fri, 08 Jul 2011 01:30:00 ]
I am so irritated and bitter, I don’t know what to do. I’m typing this on an iPad, which is even more of a bother, but I am already experiencing tumblr withdrawals. Sad, isn’t it? Oh well, I’d consider myself a pretty pathetic person in the whole so… Yu know, I’m actually pretty decent at this, cept my nails keep hitting… But aunt Charlotte said she got a scratch thing over top of it of something like that, so I don’t feel bad. Also, I didn’t really ask her if i could use this, but seeing how late it is, I’d rather not wake her up when I know she would be alright. I just hope I don’t wake ena with my
Nails tapping every now and then… Fucking apple and their damn heat touchy screen shit. XD see, I’m already feeling better and distracted. I was reading Harry potter, but I just couldn’t focus, and that irritated me even more! I am just not a happy person. And I keep trying to type ttoo fast and end up messing shit up… But still. I just have issues. Stupid things set me off, that would never make a normal, sane person upset. But whatever. I can’t help it, and since I have admitted to that, I see no point in trying to fight against my emotions that will never change. It’s already difficult enough, not screaming at every person that irritates me. I would have absolutely no friends. Cept maybe Michelle, I guess. You know, this whole time I was really convinced that I was a straightforward person who told people what I think of them. I honestly believed that… How, I wonder? It is ridiculous how two faced I can be, and no give a fuck about it. Well, I wouldnt really call it two faced.. It’s more of just, I don’t want to hurt their feelings. So I should get points somewhere for that, right? Like…. Eryn. It would be too cruel if I told her what I really thought of her. But, I think she got the gist that I found her annoying at least, although I denied it when she asked. I am such a liar, and I do it with such ease, too. I am an actor. That is what I truely am, it seems. My dad is too. I hate to admit it, but we do have a few similarities. He acts in front of people. The public mark is not the same as the mark at home. Of course, people will act differently around other people, but I know what I am talking about…. Sometimes I enjoy the fact that I ramble, because it alway brings me off subjects, and sometimes I do not really like the subject I am dicussing. I feel compelled to write about it all though. Don’t know why, I just always have. Man, my arms are cramped. This thing was not meant for writing blog posts, that’s for sure. Ah, how I wish I could sleep! How I envy those who can go to bed, and fall asleep without terrible thoughts running through their minds the second they hit the pillow. I think I will forever write about my misery and depression, although dramatic. I have stopped caring that everything that upsets me is pathetic. I don’t care that everyone else has bigger problems. I can write about my fucking dramatic agony if I want. And everyone else can think I am really dumb and delusional, because I pretty much am. My neck really fucking hurts. A sign I have been reading for too long. Oh, how I miss the comfort, the escape that books used to provide for me! How did I lose it? It’s all rather frustrating, really. I can never focus, and I never have the motivation. How irritating I am! Why do I want to do so many things, only to be prevented from doing them because I don’t FEEL like it? Damn, I suck. I don’t know how anyone could ever live with me. I don’t think its possible. I’ll be doomed forever, forever alone. When someone ever responds to my depressing ramblings or insults to myself, it really only irritates me more. Nothing or no one will ever make it stop. And I don’t want anyone getting all depressed or annoyed at me, either. Plus, it isn’t like anything is going to change, I will still believe what I wrote about. Maybe I should just keep to my very private blog. Of course, that would make sense. :P I don’t really mind crying. What I mind, is when I wake up and my eyes fucking hurt ALL DAY LONG. That’s really a bother, and it happens like everyday. You would think my eyes would be used to it by now but apparently not. Ugh, I don’t even feel like posting this anymore. I only did it because I was nearly about to destroy my journal. I’ve had pages ripped through before, in my anger or frustration. I still have paparazzi stuck in my head. The acoustic one. It’s been there all day… I cried on the plane. I was so difficult to hide from ena, I was trying desperately to stop. I really have some fucking issues, what the fuck is my problem…. Whatever, I am annoyed a myself. I wish to stop being this being of overflowing emotions. It’s really bad, when I can’t even focus on harry potter. I could ramble all day, honestly. If only I could type as fast as I think! Well, my butt hurts from sitting on the floor, so I might go back to my journal, then hopefully bed. I just wish my handwriting wasn’t so atrocious when I am upset.
So,
[ Posted Wed, 06 Jul 2011 13:32:04 ]
my dad bought me a laptop without me approving. xD And it’s really weird, because I am not mad at all, haa. It’s cute, and it can’t weigh more than five pounds, it’s so light! Plus, he’s buying me a 320gb hard drive :D I complained about not having enough space for my music, because it came with an 80gb hard drive. He said I could put my music on a backup drive and I was just like NO I NEED IT. XD And he found that 250gb hard drives were only 45 bucks, then he found a 320gb one for 55, and he was like okay, we can do that. WOOOOO!!! That is like. 220 more gigabytes than my desktop computer. xD He isn’t done updating it and he still needs to get the hard drive, so it wont be ready until a bit after I get back. But that’s okay! It was only four hundred dollars, and it came with a case thingy tooo! And, my dad has an extra docking station because my lap top is similar to his lap top, so when I come home, it will just be like having a desktop again, with a separate keyboard and mouse and screen if I want! And with the docking station, I can plug my tablet in! But I will not bring that huge thing to college, plus someone might steal it. If I had a little one I would consider bringing it, but I am still terrified of people stealing my shit.
WOOO I’M GOING TO COLLEGE
I'm weird.
[ Posted Wed, 06 Jul 2011 01:21:00 ]
“I understand! I’m just nosy, and always looking for things to fix with myself”
That.. is so cute. My poor little Zac. I guess I’m sort of a freak, because it seems that with some boyfriends, at times, I almost feel motherly. There are these moments when Zac will lay on me, and I look down at his soft, young face and his long, closed eyelashes.. and he just looks so little. I just want to take care of him… I want to hug him gently, and hold him close to me, and make him happy. He just seems so little then, idk. I’m weird.
Tagged with: (:
When I downloaded a playstation 2 emulator,
[ Posted Wed, 06 Jul 2011 00:12:30 ]
I downloaded two games. I cannot for the life of me remember the second one. It is seriously irritating. xD I wanna know what game I really wanted to play! xD hahaa. My dad said it might work on the computer downstairs we use for Sims 3. SO I GOTTA KNOW WHAT THAT GAME WAS . You would think, if I had really wanted to play it so badly, I would have remembered. xD BUT I DON’T. Damn.
Tagged with: I hate being so forgetful
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
[ Posted Tue, 05 Jul 2011 22:42:00 ]
An endless headache, and an inability to do anything due to fatigue
[ Posted Tue, 05 Jul 2011 19:38:53 ]
because I cannot seem to eat. I refuse to feel full; it is even worse then the headache and fatigue combined. It makes me feel like I want to throw up for hours if I am full. Somehow, I become full incredibly easy, but becoming hungry poses more of a challenge. I didn’t used to be like this, and I don’t know why or even when it happened. I don’t think I’m fat, or ugly, or stuff like that. If anything, I thought I was unhealthy because I didn’t eat enough, or healthy enough. And now it’s even worse! FUCK. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
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