DO NOT WANT
[ Posted Tue, 05 Jul 2011 19:18:59 ]
WHY THE FUCK AM I NEVER HUNGRY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME FUCK FUCK FUCK
CALCULUS!
[ Posted Mon, 04 Jul 2011 14:38:00 ]
THIS DEFINITELY JUST MADE ME FEEL BETTER!
I JUST READ MY EMAIL AND THE MATH PROFESSOR IS LETTING ME INTO HER ALREADY FULL CALCULUS WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! :D :D :D THAT MEANS I GET TO BE IN A MATH CLASS MY FIRST SEMESTER WHICH MEANS I WILL HAVE SO MUCH FUN! AND CHEMISTRY! AND FRENCH (which will be more hard than fun) AND FYEC WITH MY FRIENDDDD! Although this means I wont have english with my two friends, I can just make new friends in english next semester! I’d rather have math, since they may not offer MATH 131 in the spring! OMGSH IM SO EXCITEDDDDD!!! WOOO COLLEGEE!!! I AM SUCH A LOSER XD HAHAHA. YAYYYYY!!! I FUCKING LOVE CALCULUS! AND NOW I WONT HAVE A SHITTY TEACHER! IM SO HAPPY! EVEN IF I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE FUCKING EIGHT OR NINE (I can’t remember) NEARLY EVERY DAY, IT’S FUCKING WORTH IT! FUCK YESSSSSSSS!!!! NO ONE HAS ANY IDEA HOW HAPPY THIS MAKES MEEEE!!!!
EDIT: MWF 8:40 AM-10:10 AM FUCK YEAH I’LL WAKE UP EARLY FOR THAT GOOD SHIT! XD
Tagged with: college, math, calculus, i am a nerd, FUCK YES
Caught,
[ Posted Mon, 04 Jul 2011 14:22:22 ]
but acting like I’m not.
He asked me if I should really be on the computer. I was just like… why wouldn’t I be? And of course, he says nothing straight forwardly, but just walks out of the room saying “Just act like nothing’s happened”! I wanted to lol. I just want to piss him off. I slept until about 1:30. Now I am going to play my NES emulator allllll day. Maybe read some Harry Potter, too. I am choosing to ignore the very upset feeling that I most likely will not be able to go to the hat factory with Michelle, or see Zac on Wednesday. I think what I can’t stand really, is that he is able to do that to me. Restrict me. I don’t know if I can handle it, even for just a few days. I cannot stand that someone has that much control over my freedom, my life, my happiness. I don’t want to be miserable and alone, I don’t want to miss Zac more than I am already going to. I don’t want to be caged.
He said he had lost his trust in me, and I was not respecting him. I said I didn’t like to not have freedom. He said I can have that when I’m not living under his roof.. I said I was so close, and he said that college is not freedom, because he is still paying for it. But it is. I told him I would have sleepovers with boys when I was in college. He said I would not, because I would have responsibilities at college. I said I could do both at the same time. And I said it again, just to piss him off more. Cause that’s what I do best, when it comes to him.
Tagged with: dgaf, fucking asshole, i hate being here, i don't care if i am a whiny little child.
Excitement
[ Posted Sun, 03 Jul 2011 13:25:00 ]
I love smoking up people for the first time. I should make a list or something. XD I feel like it’s been a lot of people? hm.
I’ve got five in my head right now, I didn’t want to put their names out on the internet cause that is just mean. I feel like there is at least one more? But, maybe not. XD Ah well, maybe I’ll get two more tonight. (;
edit: OOOOH SIX! I JUST REMEMBERED! And maybe seven, but I can’t remember if they had before, but I think they might have, so I guess it’s still six.. hahaha.
It's like,
[ Posted Sun, 03 Jul 2011 11:56:11 ]
I have all these fucking awesome ideas in my head, I just can’t fucking draw or paint or do fucking anything artistic, and it frustrates me to no end and I can’t stand it. FUCK
Tagged with: FUCKING, GODDAMMIT
I don't really care
[ Posted Sat, 02 Jul 2011 16:58:00 ]
if I am a ‘bad’ person according to other people’s standards. I might even be a bad person to my own standards, I don’t even know anymore. I absolutely have no control over my emotions. Should I feel bad about what I feel? Should I feel ashamed? Why? It’s not my fucking fault. I’m pretty damn selfish. Then again, I think most people are, so how is it really that bad… People want to be happy. They want their own happiness. But, back up. I don’t think love is selfish. Which again, is another reason I cannot feel that way. I just wanna do what I wanna do. But that isn’t really love, is it? But I don’t know.. I wish I knew what it was. Or if what I am looking for really exists. It’s all about what I want. I don’t care enough about anyone else, apparently. How sad, how pathetic. Yet, I don’t want to be lonely. I don’t want to be alone. Nobody is ever going to do exactly what I want them to do. So what am I expecting…? What do I even want? Well, I do know that I want to be less lazy and more motivated. But i just can’t do it, and I don’t know why. It’s frustrating. I don’t know how to change, but I guess I don’t really want to change, but I really do? Naw, I don’t know what I want, I’m just confused. I’m upset. I’m irritated. And I just don’t want to be myself anymore, but i can’t help it. I can’t help but be myself, because that is what my feelings allow. My emotions force me to be myself, even if I don’t understand it. I can’t feel any other way, and I’m sick of it. I can’t escape myself; that’s impossible. How frustrating! To not want to feel a certain way, but be stuck with it. All my life, I’ve had people tell me I can change the way I feel, but I know they are wrong. Maybe other people can change how they feel, but I can’t. I can’t break out of this, and I don’t know why. I don’t know what I’m living for.
THREADLESS JANK FO ZACC
[ Posted Fri, 01 Jul 2011 16:25:42 ]
thespaceindian:
squigggle:
thespaceindian:
I'd get either the turtle or the lion! the lion's got style ;)
Those are my two favorites! :D You should get one and match me. (; lolol.
I just bought a different shirt though.. :/
I WANNA SEE WHICH ONE
THREADLESS JANK FO ZACC
[ Posted Fri, 01 Jul 2011 16:12:48 ]
thespaceindian:
I'd get either the turtle or the lion! the lion's got style ;)
Those are my two favorites! :D You should get one and match me. (; lolol.
THREADLESS JANK FO ZACC
[ Posted Fri, 01 Jul 2011 15:17:35 ]
http://www.threadless.com/product/2959/Sunny_Leo
http://www.threadless.com/product/2856/Clash_of_the_Sky_Dragons
http://www.threadless.com/product/1160/Birds_Of_A_Feather (the maroonish colored one)
http://www.threadless.com/product/2437/Into_the_Sea
http://www.threadless.com/product/2938/Pop_Culture_Clash idk about this one yet
er.
[ Posted Thu, 30 Jun 2011 21:27:06 ]
I just thought it was weird that I had a bunch of pictures and not a bunch of texts, because usually it’s the opposite. So I had to make it make sense. xD
I’ve gradually realized that I often do things I am used to doing. If I’m bored and in my room, I will either read Harry Potter, or watch a movie. If I am hungry and want food at night, I will always watch a movie at the same time. When I get high alone (which isn’t often anymore), I will sometimes be on the computer for awhile, and then I will make pasta roni, or something else pasta like (asian noodles, or asian soup), and then eat either cheese doodles or flavor blasted goldfish, while watching a movie, most likely a miyazaki or disney one. I save food to eat when I’m high. xD It’s sad. The other night, I didn’t eat my flavor blasted goldfish because I wanted to eat them whenever the next time I am high. xD It’s pretty pathetic. I especially do these things when I feel lonely, or when I don’t want to think. Oh, how I lead such a pointless existence! I wanna get high right now. xD But I don’t want to eat food, because I am not hungry. If I get high, I will make food. and more food. and more. Then I will feel sick . BECAUSE I’M DUMB. But it’s so tempting, I have such awesome weed… Maybe I shall tempt myself to only ONE pasta dish (I have been known to eat multiple) and maybe SOME goldfish. xD What should I watch? Maybe I’ll be super stereotypical and watch Pineapple Express. I haven’t done that yet. I usually watch Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, How to Train Your Dragon, or The Breakfast Club. hahaha.
lolololololol I suck
headache.
[ Posted Tue, 28 Jun 2011 21:02:44 ]
I am confused. First I was excited, now I’m depressed. I don’t know what I want to do. And I know the whole chemistry and drugs thing was just an idea floating in my head, but I might really go with it. Except that I am retarded, and didn’t pick chemistry as a class. I thought we had to do english first semester, and I really wanted to do math first semester because it makes me happy. And then the lady was all like, you should switch math or something, and you can take english second semester. That should have been my hint to change it then but I was like nawww. And now I just looked, and the only open chemistry classes are when I have math and french. I can’t drop french because I got placed into the highest one, and it is a fall class. But I can’t take chemistry next semester because it’s a fall class, so this is just fucking retarded. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I wanna do math. If I wanna teach math, or do something else with it. Or if I wanna do the whole chemistry and drugs thing. And because I don’t know, I can’t fucking pick. And I already calculated it all out, because there are so many fucking classes you have to take to major in something. Plus I have to take gen ed requirements and whatnot, and I won’t even have time for electives at this rate. I don’t know what I want to do? I sort of need to know, because if I don’t take chemistry now, and decide to go with it later, I am going to be wayyy fucking behind. But what if I decide not to do that, and I still wanna do math? Fuck, I suck. Why are there so many classes for a fucking major. How am I supposed to do all of that? I don’t even know… BLAHHHHHH!!!!
Regardless, I’m still excited to go and make new friends and be with my friends I made today. xP
I am so emotional, it's retarded.
[ Posted Mon, 27 Jun 2011 21:37:05 ]
Like, seriously? Wtf. I am so dumb. xD ahahaa.
I do not know
[ Posted Mon, 27 Jun 2011 17:22:24 ]
how anyone can stand this. Because I certainly can’t. I have been enduring it for over 18 years, and I am at my limit. I’m sick of being told what to do. I don’t care if I sound like a whiny little bitch or something. I’m fucking 18, and I feel like I didn’t even live my teenage years how I really wanted to. Which is kind of saying something, because I did a lot of shit. I can’t stand this feeling. I’m suffocating. All those nights I spent wide awake in my room, I’d tell myself it would all get better when I was 18. And then what? I’m 18 now, and it’s only improved slightly. I haven’t done anything. I’ve told my mom most of what I have done, and she is a little more lax on things. But it isn’t enough. Maybe I am a selfish, spoiled brat, because I always want more. I can’t help it. I can’t stand this, I really can’t…
I constantly tell my mother that there is no point in restricting me from having sleepovers with guys anymore, because it is going to happen when I am in college anyways. I told her today, with vengeance, that I was going to have LOADS to catch up for all the fun sleepovers I was forced to miss out on. I’ll never let that one go. All of those sleepovers I wasn’t allowed to be at… there are too many to count.. and I couldn’t stand it. Being forced to be left out like that.. it’s not fair when there is nothing wrong with having guys at a sleepover. Just because someone else lives old fashion-ly doesn’t mean they have to make me live the same way. I wanted to yell today. To scream to her the reason I even started doing things like having sex and smoking weed. Of course, my reasons changed as I grew older, but those were my original intentions: my own secret revenges. Of course, I was curious about smoking, although I didn’t really want to have sex. But I never would have done either so early on if I wasn’t so intent on being rebellious. If i wasn’t so intent on getting revenge for the unfairness… I’ve always wanted to tell them that, to blame it on them. Of course, I would have had sex and smoked weed because I wanted to eventually (and I did, naturally), but the point is that I tried both so early. I can’t deny that there were other factors… I wanted to make Omar happy, I wanted to try what Michelle had experienced. But that was my original motivation, and I am not just making that up. I’m very cruel, of course. I love my mom, and I appreciate all my father has done for me. But I do not love or appreciate the way they have made me feel caged and not free. I want to break out, I want to get out. I can’t even stand the smallest things anymore, and I fear one day I am just going to explode. I’m so sick of it all.
I'm so tired of thinking. >.<
[ Posted Sun, 26 Jun 2011 22:52:54 ]
It's really weird
[ Posted Sun, 26 Jun 2011 19:40:00 ]
to talk to my mom about weed. It needs to stop. xD I told her that, and she was like okay. XD I thought after the first conversation it would stop, but it didn’t. AND IT WAS WEIRD. I know it’s something she doesn’t really understand, and I can’t get her to understand why it isn’t bad, so I don’t want to talk about it because I know she doesn’t like it. Especially now cause I can’t lie about it. So when I come home and she says, ‘So after you couldn’t find a club, did you go back to michelle’s and smoke pot?’ and I have to be like ‘Yes…’. Then she will ask things like ‘Who’s pot was it?’ I’m just like.. ‘We all had some..’ ‘Oh, so you all pitched in.’ ‘Yeah, pretty much…’ IT’S JUST AWKWARD AND WEIRD.
It’s only that way because she’s never done it and she refuses to believe that it isn’t bad. When my children talk to me about weed, it wont be weird. And I always call it weed, and she calls it pot, which is just strange to me, because I’m used to hearing ‘weed’. XD
my eyeballs. hurt. so. much.
[ Posted Fri, 24 Jun 2011 02:47:28 ]
Tagged with: dammit
suck my dick.
[ Posted Thu, 23 Jun 2011 20:35:39 ]
Tagged with: BECAUSE I'M BORED
mah head hurts.
[ Posted Thu, 23 Jun 2011 13:01:22 ]
and I don’t know what I wanna do. I just don’t wanna be here. I wanna be with other people. People I like, not shitty people. I’m so tired of this.
Tagged with: complain complain complain
I just
[ Posted Wed, 22 Jun 2011 20:06:48 ]
saw someone post a picture of their boobs to get followers. It said: HURRY THIS WONT BE UP 4 LONG CUZ PPL IRL FOLLOW ME BUT YA GET ME FOLLOWERS OK
…wow. wtf.
IM LONELY
[ Posted Wed, 22 Jun 2011 18:09:05 ]
LONELY AND BORED
COMPLAIN COMPLAIN COMPLAIN. SOMEONE TALK TO ME. OR HANG OUT WITH ME. OR SOMETHING. WAHHHHHHHHH. I HATE BEING AT MY HOUSE. COMPLAINNNNNNNNNNN
wat.
[ Posted Wed, 22 Jun 2011 15:27:00 ]
So far this summer, I have hung out with a few people I don’t typically hang out with. xD And it is kind of weird. But I like it.. I like hanging out with new people, as long as I like them. Or not even new people, just people I am new to hanging out with.. It was sort of awkward with Kyle, but I enjoy talking to him, and it was interesting to hang out with him. XD Last night was pretty fun with Michelle, Sam, and Peter. Hahaa it was random as fuck that we picked up Peter. Then we tried all night to get weed, but no one was awake or had anything to sell. xD I showed Peter some episodes of Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt, then Sam wanted to watch Winnie the Pooh, so we did. haa. Then we started watching The Lion King, and Zac called me, so I spent a good amount of time talking to him. :D Cept I found out he’s leaving me for another fucking week. -.- Dat bitch. I need someone to fucking snuggle, goddammit. I will never be able to do long distance relationships. Ever. EVER. I have to see my boyfriend way too often. ugh. Whatever. I suck. So then he went sleepy, and Peter and I finished The Lion King, then watched a bunch of stuff on youtube, and started watching the digimon movie. xD haa. Then we were like oh, it’s past five, we should probably sleep. XD But I didn’t even sleep until almost 6. -.- I’m not even tired though, and I got up at like 11? And then Matt was there and I was like wtf where did he come from. hahaa. Apparently he locked himself out of his house, and walked to Michelle’s.. poor Matt! We played the NES, which is really fun. I wish I had one. xD I love old gaming systems. For some reason, they are just so exciting to me? I like how they are so simple, but there are so many different games and stuff to do like, idk. I wish I had something like that to bring to college. >.< I don’t even like, want to bring an xbox haa. Well, if I buy certain Dell laptops I can get a free 360, but we gotta see how expensive the laptops are… Now I am just rambling, because I am bored and have nothing to do. I might go read Harry Potter, ha. I want to read the Han Solo ones, but I just don’t feel like it? It’s so annoying. xP Hahaa I’m so dumb.
I guess, sometimes,
[ Posted Tue, 21 Jun 2011 17:10:21 ]
I forgot how much I really like you. And then it will hit me out of nowhere, without warning. It really sucks how far away you are, when that happens. That’s what distractions are for though, right? I just have to keep myself occupied, because you are occupied. ..Which is what I usually try to do anyways. x) Ha. I am so lame.
But tonight will be a great one. I am going to the hat factory with Michelle and Kyle, and it should be awesome! I am super excited! I get to dress up all colorful and WOOOO! Dance dance dance! I can’t wait. (:
Random anime blurb.
[ Posted Tue, 21 Jun 2011 00:33:00 ]
I have been reduced to nothing more than someone who sits at home and watches anime all day. It actually makes me happy, because I have been wanting to watch anime again, I just haven’t felt like it. Now I feel like it, kind of. It depends on my mood, and what sort of anime.. Today I watched Interstella 5555, which was a movie about alien musicians. There was no dialogue or anything, the entire movie was accompanied only by Daft Punk’s album Discovery. It was fucking sweet though. I was slightly annoyed at first, when I realized it would be only music and no character dialogue. I soon found that dialogue was unnecessary. It was only an hour long movie, but each of the main characters had a distinct personality that was shown in the short period of time, and without words. There is this band, and they are amazing. They play music on their home planet, and they are blue. An evil dude from earth kidnaps them and wipes their brains, and turns them white. He makes tons of money off them while they play around the world. A pilot from their home planet comes to save them, and he is in love with the guitarist. He is my favorite character, and he’s really cute even if his skin is blue. (x
He makes them able to think on their own again, but dies in the process. The band finds out that this evil producer guy has been stealing music prodigies from other planets too, and plans to rule the world or something (you know, standard villain goal). They stop and destroy him, and eventually get their memories back with the help of nice earthlings. The nice people send them back to their home planet, and it’s all good again. But it was just a really good movie. Pretty emotional too, but then again, I seem to be easily moved. I think I cry during every single movie I watch.
An awesome movie, still. And now, I started watching Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt, which is fucking hilarious. It is almost cartoon-ish, but the humour is so crude, and they say things like fuck, bitch, and cunt a lot, it’s definitely my type of anime. xD It is just a really funny anime, and an interesting change of style for me, compared to the types of anime I usually watch. It is overall enjoyable, and I can’t wait to watch more of it! :D
I also have the end of the anime Sekai-ichi Hatsukoi to look forward to, which is always exciting! :D It really is basically the best shonen-ai anime I have ever seen (although there aren’t that many out there, haa). I mean, Junjou Romantica is freaking awesome too, maybe I am just digging Sekai because it’s new to me. xP But I enjoy the whole manga business, it is interesting to me! Gahh, I can’t help but find all of these characters so freaking adorable! I’m just a crazed fangirl. x) heh.
Tagged with: Interstella 5555, panty and stocking with garterbelt, Sekai-ichi Hatsukoi, anime!, spoliers?
In 10th grade,
[ Posted Mon, 20 Jun 2011 12:49:03 ]
Coach crit made us write letters to our future selves, and said he would give them back to us at graduation. They came in our envelopes that our diplomas were in. I didn’t expect it, I had completely forgotten. I forgot again, because I didn’t read it while my relatives were here, but then I saw Becca’s on tumblr. I just read mine. And it is so horrible, I can’t even type it up. Embarrassingly enough, most of it is about Jayson. It also said how I have many problems, I am becoming lazy and stupid, I hate my parents, and other things. It was addressed Dear Idiot. At least I had one thing right, that I always become OBSESSED (this word was capitalized) with my boyfriend, which is not a good thing. At least I recognized that. I think I must have been very young still, or at least, my mindset was. I feel much older now. I don’t think I was really like what my letter makes my past self seem to be… but whatever. But I don’t care how I used to be, or anything like that. This letter is shit, and it is going into the trashcan.
I'd rather cuddle then have sex.
[ Posted Sun, 19 Jun 2011 20:09:11 ]
iloveaidengrimshaw:
glasshearts-shatter:
iwasneverreallybyyourside:
thegunstheysell:
buy-yourself-the-motivation:
staybeautiful-keepitugly:
mymiserylovesyourcompany:
This is clever if you're a grammar Nazi.
oh hai, that was pretty clever
^^^
HA.
What you did there, I saw it :C
Ahhh, I see what ya did thurr
ahahahaha XP
omgggg
LMAO.
Tagged with: LOVE, HAHA
carnation
[ Posted Sun, 19 Jun 2011 20:01:16 ]
Because I was not listening to anything any of the speakers (cept Ariel) said at graduation, I totally missed the part about giving the flower to someone who made an impact on your life. My mom told me eventually, but I had already put it in my room. Otherwise, I would have given it to Garrett. But, I am an idiot. I have always felt extremely close to Garrett, sometimes closer to him than to my own sister. He is like the brother I never had, while I am like the sister he never had. We are both more chill and carefree than basically anyone in our family. Our family is full of crazy, intense Italians, but we have always been more easy-going. While Ena and Austin and the fathers are competitive at sports, we just play for fun. We don’t really care that we suck at halo, and that we always lose against Austin and Ena no matter what. The parents always wonder why we don’t just switch the teams up, but Garrett and I like being with each other. We don’t really care about winning. Nothing really impacts us hugely; when I told him about his brother being a molester he took it better than most people. He understood that I was pretty unaffected by it, and he figured it had to do something with how Austin didn’t fully understand how to treat women, or something like that. He has friends that drink and do drugs, and he knows that I do, and he doesn’t really care. He is the most intelligent of the four of us, and we have similar humour. Gah, I just love him. We have been close for so long.
I just want to be really close with whoever my significant other ever is. I just think it is such a wonderful feeling, to be able to be so close with someone. I think I want it too much. So much, that it refuses to happen.
Ah, I am tired. I have a bug bite on my neck, under my chin, and it is irritating. My arms are bruised and the veins are still popping out. It’s crazy. I wanna play vollyball more so that doesn’t happen anymore.
Now that I'm done being crazy. XD
[ Posted Thu, 16 Jun 2011 12:45:17 ]
Can it hurry up and be the time when I shall see my Beanstalk?
My mother asked me the other night, how you feel about that name I have given you. How do you feel about it? I feel like you never answer this question. xP
You know,
[ Posted Thu, 16 Jun 2011 01:28:56 ]
I really don’t sing all that great. Sure, it is better than some people. Sure, I have some talent. But it just isn’t… spectacular. It’s so.. raw. I hope I can make it beautiful one day. I hope I will one day be insanely amazing. That’s all.
OH AND BY THE WAY
[ Posted Thu, 16 Jun 2011 00:51:00 ]
THE SAME FUCKING THING GOES FOR PUBIC HAIR! There are all of these images, and porn with women without pubes, so everyone thinks that THAT is what is normal, and desirable. FUCK THAT I’M A WOMAN! It’s natural. So fuck everyone else. I don’t know why this is something that constantly irritates me, but it just does. Having no pubic hair makes you look like you are a child. EVERYONE IS A PEDOPHILE. Whatever. I honestly think women look better with pubic hair, and men do too. I find it extremely annoyed that women are expected to shave EVERYWHERE to be attractive. So I refuse. I only shave my pits, because it would smell bad if I didn’t, and it itches when it is longer. NO ONE SHALL EVER MAKE ME SHAVE! SO HA! I will never understand why it seems that the majority of people are against pubic hair. I just don’t get it.
hunger.
[ Posted Wed, 15 Jun 2011 21:05:00 ]
For awhile now, I have not been able to tell when I am hungry. I feel no hunger at all. I can tell when I am very full, but any other time.. there is nothing. I don’t understand it… I have been trying to eat when I should eat, but I am afraid of eating too much or even too little. How am I supposed to gauge my food intake when I cannot tell when I am hungry? And why the fuck have I lost that ability? It seriously makes no sense. But it bothers me. I don’t want anything to be wrong with me.
Plus, I have that feeling again. That random feeling that isn’t triggered by anything (at least not to my knowledge), but somehow appears from time to time anyways. There is this feeling in my chest, that spreads to my head. And I just want to scream and cry, it’s like there’s something that I need to get out or something…I don’t even know. I’m crazy. I always do that, you know? I say things like ‘Yeah, I know I’m just dramatic. I’m crazy. blahblahblah’. I think I say those things when other people read my stuff.. no I don’t, because I do the same things with my journals. Maybe I say it because I try and convince myself that I really am just dramatic. That I really don’t have any problems, because there is no reason for it. That what I say and feel are different, and I am just trying to make things bigger than they really are. But I’m not.. Truthfully, I am not being dramatic, in my own eyes. Maybe in other people’s opinion I am. So maybe that is what I am trying to do.. Make myself believe that I am whatever other people think I am? Who knows, now I am just being confusing and ridiculous. OOOH, there I go again. Dammit. Why must I make myself so unjustifiable? Can’t I just let myself say what I am feeling, without calling myself dramatic and ridiculous and crazy? Because, that isn’t how it is to me.. And if someone else feels ways that other people consider dramatic, depending on my relationship with them, I probably won’t find them dramatic. Fuck, I am rambling again. I just have so many thoughts, and they randomly come and go, I can’t record all of them. But my head, oh my head hurts! How I wish to scream! Really, really scream! But even if I could scream without raising suspicion, it would not be enough. I cannot let out as much as I want to. It just isn’t possible.
Dammit. I hate myself. Why can’t I be simple? This feeling is overwhelming! I have no clue what to do with it, but it won’t leave me.. goddammit.. what do i do….?
mother.
[ Posted Wed, 15 Jun 2011 13:18:47 ]
I really have such a nice mommy. What would I do without a good mommy? I don’t know. But I’m glad I have one. Even if we don’t agree about a lot of things, we are accepting enough. And that is better than what most people have. I am very fortunate…
i should probably be studying...
[ Posted Wed, 15 Jun 2011 00:50:14 ]
letoile15:
but i HATE my math teacher. and i dont want to.
THAT’S RIGHT. FIGHT THE MAN.
IM FUCKING BORED
[ Posted Wed, 15 Jun 2011 00:22:09 ]
Tagged with: DAMMIT, WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO FOR BEACH WEEK, DRUUUUUUUUUUGS
sickly.
[ Posted Tue, 14 Jun 2011 22:19:24 ]
and this time, like actually sick. as in i have a fever and all that jazz. usually when i use the word ‘sick’ i mean tired or fed up. so i just thought id clarify. xP
Man, I have been trying to capitalize the first letter of my sentences, and my Is and use apostrophes, but I keep forgetting. xD I knew this bad habit would kick me in the butt eventually. Now I can’t stop! I need to be able to do this for college, so I don’t slip up when emailing a professor or writing papers and all that jazz. I’ve gotten so used to being lazy, it is fucking ridiculous. So I gotta concentrate, and get back into habit, so I don’t look like an idiot. xP
That was pointless. xD ha. So today was sort of uneventful. I am rather bored. I’m supposed to finish writing thank you notes, but it’s difficult when I don’t even know the people. xD I mean, it’s super awesome that they gave me money. But I don’t even know them? haa. Like half the people that gave me money, I don’t even know. So what am I supposed to write? ‘Hey, I’ve never spoken to you, so why the fuck did you give me money? Naw, I’m just kidding, thanks a lot, I’ll probably spend it on drugs!’ That sounds good. xP
But seriously, can I go back in time and hang out with Harrison Ford? I mean, I wanna do more than hang out but still. … >P
Found this on our old youtube account (It was mine and Michelle's):
[ Posted Tue, 14 Jun 2011 12:36:00 ]
About Me:
uberradalicious/crazy/insane/BUT AMAZING
yes, we have no bananas.
we have no bananas today.
yummmy! tastes like purple.
oh yeah. if we dont like you, michella will stab you. and then i will eat the leftovers, yummy SPLEENS!
Interests:
-eating your feet -playing with toliet paper/coming up with uses for it -giving fred attention -glue our fingers together
Tagged with: I am cracking up, (:
I had to say happy birthday on tumblr instead of facebook, because tumblr is more important and so am i. xP
[ Posted Tue, 14 Jun 2011 11:19:42 ]
no direction.
[ Posted Sun, 12 Jun 2011 21:27:00 ]
My stomach aches, as always, and my head is spinning. I want to scream into the night sky, I want to dive into cool water. I wish I knew what to do with myself. Lately, nothing has felt real. It is a difficult concept for me to explain, but I tried earlier today to tell Ariel about it. It’s as if I am in a dream-like state, although it isn’t very dream like at all. It is all too realistic to be a true dream; at least my dreams are not this realistic. People speak to me, people touch me, I see things, I hear things. But none of it seems at all real to me. This happens to me sometimes, although I am not sure why. Now it has been like this for more than a day. Actually, I don’t even remember when it started. But it is an odd feeling. I feel detached, but not depressed about it. Like I am far away, although I’m not really sure where exactly ‘far away’ is. My head, my head! It has ached all day and I do not know what to do with it. Detached… but detached from what? From events that are going on around me? From people…? From words, from communication in general? I am not believing it. Anything that anyone has said to me for days, I just don’t believe it. It isn’t real. Except that it is real, and I’m just fucking crazy. But it just doesn’t feel real, is that understandable? How does something that is real feel unreal? Then again, how is it that unreal things feel real sometimes… Yes, I could go on forever with that… I wish there was a better word than ‘dream-like’. Because this feeling is close to that, but its not right on the dot. Perhaps it is sort of like.. everything has no direction right now. Like, there is no direction to anything that I have done, said, that other people have done and said to me, etc… FUCK I can never explain myself! Why do I have this need to explain myself, anyways? Is it for myself? I am not sure anymore… Gah, right now I am sure of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. It’s a little terrifying.
i just want my fucking thai food.
[ Posted Sun, 12 Jun 2011 17:34:39 ]
Tagged with: omg need
cleaning
[ Posted Sat, 11 Jun 2011 12:16:46 ]
is difficult. when i am tired, and have no energy. i need food to have energy, but i am not hungry, and i hate feeling full. its one of my least favorite physical feelings. so frustrating, i can never find a good medium. i never have enough energy. im so weak. i cant stand it… my body is so pathetic. i cant even fucking pick up things and put them in their place without wanting to lay down. i think my father also adds to the fact that i dont want to do this. i dont want to do this, because he wants me to. and i want to fight it, i dont want to do it. but that would mean losing a night i have always wanted to have. that is my sole motivation.
i want to tell my mother that its not really ariel’s house i will sleepover if i am allowed. but i just cant.. im so used to lying, sometimes its just easier. pathetic, huh? and if i tell her now, shell be mad that i lied at first. so now i cant get out of it. she asked me if i was really going to sneak out with zac and i was like no? and she was like thats right, his mom is too strict anyways. and i was like yeah…
mehhh. i feel like shed let me, but now that ive already lied she wouldnt. XD dammit! I SUCK. bleh. i dont want to clean anymoreeeeee. not fair, im 18. blech.
thespaceindian:
veet:
I usually hate when people post pictures of themselves, but I am of course a hypocrite so. :P I was Marilyn Monroe for theatre today, and that was the closest I could get without wearing a wig. xP
This is my super pretty girlfriend. She's super fucking adorable. Really, like, really fucking cute. And I want to see her. Now. But I'm a rational person, and my brain won't let me override my need to be prepared in order to enjoy myself. Goddammit.
STOP. stop it… if your ‘rational’ ways are getting in the way of your happiness, STOP. stop it, goddammit! im not talking about just when it concerns me. when is being rational better? maybe most people think so. maybe my father thinks so. but is that really what makes you happier? is being rational and reasonable really going to lead yourself to happiness? i dont think so… no, it doesnt work like that. maybe being rational and reasonable helps people along the road of ‘success’, but their success is not the kind of success i want, and im not sure if its what you want either. just.. just please stop! youve already been caged for all your life, give yourself some freedom! when an opportunity presents itself, do not give it up because it is UNREASONABLE. the cliche thing to say is this; you’re only a kid once. of course, you can continue to be a kid when you are an adult, which is probably along the lines of what i shall end up doing. but right now? you are fucking young. you have time to be rational later in your life, if you REALLY need to be. right now? there is no need. stop listening to your bitch mom (i know this isnt even about her, but still). im sorry. im sorry i insult your mother so much. xD once you told me that you would be happy if she was gone, i couldnt help myself. that gave me permission to insult her as much as i wish. if it gets too much, please tell me to stop. i dont want to offend. im just getting my feelings out, but of course you know her better than i do. but i have the outsider’s perspective, and it is not a very good one… i dont think shes a good mother. and i just want you to taste it. i want you to taste the freedom of making your own choice, and doing what you wish, what you enjoy. i just want you to be fucking happy. i think being rational gets in the way of being happy. but hey, its your life, not mine. just stating my opinion. and making sure you understand this isnt because this was about me. im talking about in general. you gotta stop man… what good is it doing you, honestly? gah, whatever. im reckless, im a mess. you probably shouldnt listen to someone like me, what the fuck do i know about happiness?
THE PLAN.
[ Posted Fri, 10 Jun 2011 20:45:00 ]
becca’s grad party is tomorrow. ariel will be there. she will take me from there to ‘her house’, where i will be ‘sleeping over’. really, she will be taking me to your house to sleep over. (: because she is a wonderful friend and i love her and im not really using her because she knows i love her. x) i will then sleepover your house and it will be awesome. then, ena is nice enough to pick me up from your house and say she is picking me up from ariels. BUT. if worst comes to worst, and my mother/father want to pick me up, you HAVE to be prepared to take me to ariel’s house. i wished to discuss all of this with you, but since you wont pick up your phone… xP also, my father might not even let me ‘sleep over ariel’s house’. so, you will have to sneak over my house late at night and there will be no sleeping next to each other, which sucks. but i still want you to sneak over tonight anyways, because i am exhausted, depressed, and sick. not sick as in puking sick, sick as in SICK OF FUCKING EVERYONE AND FUCKING LIFE. AND I JUST FUCKING WANT YOU FOR A FEW HOURS SO ILL STOP FEELING LIKE THIS DAMMIT. fuck. -.-
plus, ive had all these other nasty boys sneaking over my house, so how come the boy i want to sneak over the most wont? HUH? FEEL BAD. FEEL BAD. COME OVER HERE. XD haaa. seriously though. ): i wunt. its not that hard. youre mom wont call if shes asleep… … we dont even have to do it you know… unless you want to, of course. x) haaa
Tagged with: I FUCKING LOVE ARIEL, AND ENA
other people.
[ Posted Fri, 10 Jun 2011 09:52:45 ]
no matter how nice other people are to me, if i am sad about something, i will stay sad. ive never been so upset about a performance in my life. i feel like such a waste. forcing seven people, to come to something as shitty as that. why did that happen? i do not get nerves from being on stage. so what the fuck happened. i dont want to see the video. that was pathetic. i cant believe myself… i dont even care if everyone else was proud of me, not disappointed. because im disappointed in myself. and that is all i ever seem to focus on. i dont care that if when i slithered back into my seat so no one could see my face, all i heard from christina, morgan, cameron, ashley, and kylie was that i was awesome and that was really pretty and blahblahblah. all i could think about is that i messed up. everything. i messed up the words to my french piece, and even if no one noticed that (besides morgan and her voice teacher), I DID. and plus, the rest of the song was really not up to par. i have no idea what the FUCK i was doing, and why it sounded like that. and then, of course i sounded shitty for steps of the palace. at least i was animated, so ill give myself a plus there, since no one else did that (plus they laughed about the ‘shoe’ part, and laughter always makes one feel better on stage). but still, the whole point of that recital is for people to hear your VOICE not see a theatrical performance. and my voice sure was shitty. i messed up that song. not the words, but the notes, and the timing… i never paused for long enough, i couldnt remember… i rushed it, i know i did. my voice wasnt sounding superb either.. how could i do such a thing? how could i mess something up so badly that was so important to me? gah, i will forever detest myself. all i thought about was how my classical piece was not as good as ashley’s, and my english piece was not as good as kylie’s. i really think they have the best voices in our school, i always have. i have no idea how ashley didnt make states when kaycee did? wtf. after kaycee sung, i told ashley how i still thought her voice was better than kaycees. later she said i had made her feel much much better, because she was feeling a little nervous because she knew kaycee would be there. that actually made me feel a little better, because i enjoy making other people feel better, and i like ashley. shes a bitch to other people, but shes nice to me, and she always compliments me and i believe her. some people i just dont believe. xP anyways, i didnt really feel bad about my family being there, but i felt terrible that mrs barb, her husband, steven, and zac came. ugh, i really detest myself! >.< i wish i could apologize, but i know nobody would accept it.
i feel relieved
[ Posted Tue, 07 Jun 2011 21:06:18 ]
of many thoughts. they have been floating around in my head, and i have not had any chances to get them out. i have more, somewhere, but i am tired right now.
i have been tired, recently. the exhausted kind. and i know why. i dont eat food.
fear.
[ Posted Tue, 07 Jun 2011 20:03:37 ]
is ridiculous. is absurd. is unreasonable.
and i, for one, am fucking tired of it. i am not afraid of pain. physical pain does not bother me (and i could be a faggot and say emotional/mental pain hurts worse…). so there is no FUCKING reason why i have these issues. im so sick of it. and i can’t make it go away. i can’t.
I cannot go to sleep. There are ants, and they are everywhere. Ants are not even that frightening, but they seem to be in large numbers. I am rather young, with a very high fever. I do not understand that this is a hallucination; It looks and feels incredibly real. I run everywhere, and I run down the hallway and into my mothers room. As soon as I open the door, I see the largest ant I have ever seen before right on top of my mother’s head. I scream and cry, but she pulls me into her arms, although I see the ants swarming all over the bed covers and her body. She takes me downstairs and puts a towel over my head while i am told to breathe above a hot bowl of tea (or water?). I am still crying, I am still afraid. But she knew what to do.
I didn’t want him to be lonely. I didn’t want to be lonely. The reason I spend time with him is to do exactly that, and that is what I always intend to do. There is no reasoning to my feelings. I am not afraid of pain. I do not understand why I feel how I do, and it frustrates me. I do not want to be irritating. All I feel is apologetic. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to feel this way, and honestly, I can’t stand it. I walk around, and wish to sit down, lay down because it feels wonderful outside. I am just barely an adult now; there are no more fevers or hallucinations. I go to sit, and a feeling rapidly moves throughout my body, as the dog approaches me. I can’t escape; I feel fear without reason. I curl into a ball as it jumps on top of me, licking and biting and accidentally scratching. I want to scream but I don’t want to be a bother, I really don’t want to be… I want to run, but that never works. I am not afraid of the pain, it does not hurt. So why, why do I feel like this? i stay near the machine, because the dog does not seem to get near it. I sing to distract myself. I eye the small, old playground and wish to get on top of it and escape, yet there is another dog blocking my path, so I do not chance it. Finally, he goes into the fenced area but unfortunately the first dog follows. I immediately make a beeline to the old wood structure, being slightly chased but climbing up to the top, only to find one of the dogs at the top. I scream and jump down, wanting to curl up. But I am in the way. The grass needs to be cut exactly where I am standing, and I do not know what to do. I am terrified, but also paranoid about being a bother. My mind is confused. Somehow I manage to move and get out of the way. I try again for the top of the playground, and both dogs are trying to get up. They step on and scratch my feet; I know it isn’t on purpose. They jump on me and bite at the aladdin pants. I can’t help it this time, I scream. I jump on top of the decaying wood of the monkey bars, receiving splinters all over my body. Physical pain does not matter, I do not want to feel the fear. I sing again, very loudly. They do not like this. They try to reach me, they bark, they circle below me. I think about other things, and watch the boy with the lawn mower. I wait for him to finish, so he will catch me and carry me across the yard. Eventually, he is done, and he walks towards the fence. It will be okay, the fence isn’t that far away, i convince myself. But I cannot get down. They are waiting for me. I almost fall. I start walking, trying not to run, trying to ignore my fear. They jump all over me, they lick and bite until I can’t take it anymore. I cry out without meaning to, and I cannot stop. I don’t want to feel this way, I don’t want to be a bother. I have to run. I can’t get away fast enough. When I finally do, I feel like a fool. I feel ashamed. I feel guilty. I want to explain that it isn’t my fault I am so insanely unreasonable, but I am too upset. The whole experience is my own fault, and that just makes me feel even worse.
Tagged with: i cant figure out how to reblog from my main, but i wanted this on here too, for some reason, idk im weird
I want a girl
[ Posted Mon, 06 Jun 2011 23:05:40 ]
lastdaysofmagic:
that is at her happiest when we are home doing nothing together.
i love this. except with a boy, of course.
fack.
[ Posted Mon, 06 Jun 2011 19:49:00 ]
today blows. definitely NOT a good day. i probably would have been better off in school. oh wait, id still be home at my house at this moment. fuck today, man. im glad its not my birthday.
Tagged with: its enas though
zac,
[ Posted Fri, 03 Jun 2011 23:57:15 ]
you better be awake this weekend in case i need to call you. i dont expect it to be necessary, but if i am terrified, i need you. k. thanks.
something i really wanna do
[ Posted Thu, 02 Jun 2011 18:54:23 ]
is paint an oil painting of my mother. a good one, too. not a shitty one.
FUCK
[ Posted Thu, 02 Jun 2011 00:21:47 ]
I WANNA HAVE SEX
Tagged with: SERIOUSLY
GODDAMMIT
[ Posted Thu, 02 Jun 2011 00:20:29 ]
I JUST REMEMBERED I CANT HAVE SEX ON FRIDAY BECAUSE IM ON MY PERIOD
FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK. I REALLY FELT LIKE DOING IT. GODDAMMIT !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tagged with: FUCK BEING A WOMAN
I wanna
[ Posted Wed, 01 Jun 2011 23:09:27 ]
DO EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. idk why ahaaa.
so, chillin with ariel in her house with no parents was an awesome experience. it makes me excited to live on my own one day, even if it will be hard with money and stuff. i feel so much better, just being able to live. it gives me hope that one day i may not be so miserable.
although, lately i have been rather miserable… i keep wondering what am i to do? if i continue being this way, theres no way i can have children. i wouldnt be able to do it right. id be too damn miserable, too self absorbed.
zac called, distracted.
When you finish laughing, and your mouth settles into a smile--that's the cutest face I've ever seen.
[ Posted Mon, 30 May 2011 22:21:43 ]
Tagged with: im pretty sure you make me happy everyday, (:, thanks kid ;P
WHY CANT I
[ Posted Mon, 30 May 2011 22:21:24 ]
DO ANYTHING RIGHT.
WHY CANT I FUCKING CALM DOWN. FUCK. FUCK FCUK FCUDFKMGJXHNVisdJNIOJGNszsdhnufbjb IM SO FRUSTRATED
you know you have fucking problems
[ Posted Mon, 30 May 2011 21:19:46 ]
when getting cancer sounds like a good idea
GODDAMMIT
[ Posted Mon, 30 May 2011 09:46:02 ]
FUCK. i didnt know this would be so fucking frustrating. i dont even know why i fucking care. but for some weird fucking reason, there are these periods of time, where i am deciding on what to wear, and i get so frustrated because everything looks horrible. this is the only period of time where i am not happy about what i look like. the more clothes i keep trying on, the worse everything looks. and i cant do anything about it. its my fucking boobs. its how big they are compared to my waist, which is really small. back when my aunt was this age, they made clothes to celebrate big boobs and small waists. now, its all about flow-y clothes and small boobs. and its fucking hot outside. its all about being as small as you can now, everywhere. theres no more celebrating womanly bodies, oh no. i dont even know why people complain about having small boobs, because everything looks better on them. fuck, im so bothered. its not my fucking fault! maybe if they fucking made clothes for people with boobies, i wouldnt have this problem. its not my fault that im like an xl chest and a small waist. thats not fair… And on top of it all, i barely even have any longer shorts. shorts are supposed to be FUCKIGN SHORT THATS WHY THEY ARE FUCKING CALLED SHORTS and every other long pair of shorts make me look like a fucking bum, thats not appealing at all. I DOTN EVEN KNOW WHY I CARE. i dont even know why this happens, why all of this randomly bothers me at the worst times. whatever. like it even matters. im sick of everyone. thats who i blame. it must be their thoughts, that somehow creep into mine, and expose themselves from time to time. it must be, because i am not the type of person who worries about what they look like. because i dont give a fuck. and its irritating as fuck when i randomly do. there is no reason. this sucks. my head hurts. fuck. im fucking insane.
away.
[ Posted Thu, 26 May 2011 18:21:00 ]
most of the time when we are out, my mother always wants to go home. she wants to go home and ‘relax’. but i feel exactly the opposite. i do not want to go home. i want to stay away. away away away. escape! again, that word pops up.
when im older, i hope im like my mom in the aspect of ‘home’. my father makes it so that our house does not exactly feel like ‘home’ to me. i cant keep my room the way i want it, all i hear is complaints about how i do everything wrong, and theres just a stressful, negative atmosphere around the place. i would never say that it was relaxing to be at home. id say that it was better at night, but its not really. but thats my fault, not the people in this house.
i dont want to feel like escaping all the time. i dont want to feel unhappy at my house. i want a home. i want a home where i create the atmosphere, where i do what i want, and relax if i wish. bleh.
im bored because im waiting. i wanted to stay out longer, so i wouldnt have that much time to wait here, at my house, without you. i want you. and i dont like your mom. i give you permission to not like my dad, too. im sure shes done some good things for you.. but she is completely unreasonable. and she makes you unhappy, along with other negative feelings. and i dont like that. i dont want you to feel that way, ever. i dont want anyone to make you feel that way. im sorry i cant do anything to help… i really wish i could, dearest. dont worry, ill try to make you feel better tonight (;
so sickly...
[ Posted Wed, 25 May 2011 21:39:00 ]
i have this continuous feeling of sickness. and if it isnt that, then im sick of myself. theres always some sort of sick going on here..
but right now.. its not good. i cant escape. that must be it! when i dont feel like doing something, it must be because i know it wont help me escape. which really sucks, when i dont feel like doing anything. well really, i just dont know what i want to do. i want to do something other than laying there and feeling so sick. i was reading harry potter for awhile, but my focus was terrible. i couldnt do it. but i dont just want to sit around and let my mind slowly devour me. let this feeling, this sickness, take over. ugh, its disgusting. im disgusting. im irritated. at everyone. at myself. oh fuck.
what the hell is wrong with me.. goddammit. and fuck fucking birth control. man, ive never weighed more than 105 until this. fuck dis shit. (yeh yeh, so thats nothing compared to most people, so sue me . im short. i already have to deal with boobs that are like ten pounds each. awesome.) not that it even matters. just irritating, that i have to take this drug everyday, that alters my insides. i mean i dont have to, the alternative is worse… you know me, i just have to complain. LIKE MY FUCKING FATHER. boy, do i hate when i find similarities in me and him. i feel disgusting. unclean. ugh.
i wish i could blame the pill for my depression. but sadly, i cant. because i was ALREADY FUCKING LIKE THIS.
still, still! so irritating that it has to change what is natural! although, i cant figure out why that bothers me so much? why does everything have to be so natural? i dont even have a legitimate reason. the reason i prefer my natural hair is because its curly, and i like it. but it pisses me off when people prefer my straight hair, because it isnt natural. but why? why does it bother me so? i honestly dont know. but it does. this feeling just rises inside of me, everytime someone says i should do it more often, everytime they constantly compliment it. so why do i put myself through this torture? and how does nobody else understand? i feel so alone, in this aspect. that i actually prefer my natural hair. that i actually prefer my natural face. that i actually dont think i have to spend fucking hours to make myself look ‘better’, which would in fact be called FAKE.
seriously, i bet if i was one ugly fuck though, id be just like the rest of them. not saying that im gorgeous. but lets be honest, im not ugly. some people tell me that i just dont wear makeup or take showers all the time or do anything to my hair is because i dont NEED to. and i become so upset when i realize they may be right. but i become even more upset, that everyone else believes that they NEED to do this to themselves. that they NEED to put shit on their faces and their hair to look ‘better’. fuck, i think people would be so beautiful if they stopped wearing so much shit on their faces. instead, i just see fake, plastic people all around me.
maybe the hair thing bothers me so much, because nearly everyone straightens their hair? i dont know, but i honestly dont feel like myself without my natural hair.. i feel like im taking something away from myself, or someone else took something. that must be it, maybe thats why my feelings go insane when people tell me what they really think. i just dont understand.. i just dont think it really looks that good.. i mean, i know sometimes, if i havent taken a shower in a long time, my curly hair looks like a mess.. but even then, i still prefer it.. fuck, i dont think im ever straighting my hair again. it just throws my feelings around.
isnt that fucking pathetic. fucking ridiculous. that something so small and insignificant could bother me so much? things that people say could affect me so much, when they are trying to be nice? thats why i cant get mad at them.. thats why i can only politely say thank you… the only person i might have gone off on was probably jayson, because he made me so upset.. but i honestly needed to straighten it to hide the fucking taper. there was no other reason. and now im just pissed off and bothered. dressing like velma helped a bit, because then it was like i was cosplaying, sort of. then it was like, i wasnt really being myself anyways, so i didnt have to have my hair. im pretty sure my hair is a defining feature of mine.. without it, im just like everybody else…
ah, but thats not really whats eating at me. thats just something i had to get out, something ive never really gotten out before because i dont understand it. i still dont really understand it… oh, how hopeless i am!
i remember, one recent summer, i was so miserable. i was trapped. caged. inside of my house. i couldnt escape. i couldnt escape physically or mentally. i have journals all about it, i couldnt stop writing of my depression. i cant remember why, but i never seemed able to get away. i dont think my parents let me.. and it was one of the worst summers.. i believe it was when i was with omar. but still. i was so helpless, so young. so young, with the beginnings of a pessimistic mind already starting to form… why am i so pathetic! oh, i cant stand it!
ive been wishing for this summer so strongly, because of my wonderful vision of it: sex, drugs, the beach, escaping, more sex, not working, outside, more drugs, parties, and then at the glorious end of it all: the great escape; the start of college!…which only leads to more sex and drugs WOOOO. seriously, im not even going to deny where i find pleasure. i dont abuse either of those wonderful things, so im okay. im not going to do any really hard drugs, and im not going to fuck a stranger. SO IM GOOD GUYS. anyways, today has been absolutely miserable. so, so sick. like.. nausea. i should really read that book. -.- but i dont feel like it. it is not a good distraction at all… -.- it almost makes me even more sick, and i havent even read much of it. plus, it makes me feel like an idiot, because its somewhat difficult to read, and hard to follow. and i just feel so fucking dumb! and i really despise feeling dumb, even if i am.. like in math today.. math was also absolutely miserable. and i really did almost cry. we didnt learn any of that shit. and i really, really do not want to take the exam. i desperately do not want to. math and english have always been the subjects that make me extremely upset. i think ive given up on english this year, but i used to get so upset because im such a shitty fucking writer.. i cant stand it. i feel so dumb, even in that class full of idiots.. but i simply have given up. math, however, is worse than ever. and its not even my fault. its her fault, because she never taught any of it. but even though i realize this, i still somehow expect myself to know how to do everything WHICH I OBVIOUSLY FUCKING CANT
FCUK. FUCK FUCK FUCK. im tired of this high school BULL SHIT. IM FUCKING DONE! FUCKING DONE. DONE DONE DONE DONE! LET ME LEAVE! LET ME LEAVE, I NEED TO. i need to get away, i need to escape. escape escape, distraction distraction ITS ALL THE SAME, ISNT IT. thats the wrong way to approach problems you know. its the childish way. the weak way. but you know this dont you… you understand that you are so very weak. so very weak and emotionally unstable. how can someone see all (or many) of their flaws, and do nothing to fix them? IM DISGUSTING. DISGUSTING. SICK. SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK.
I FEEL LIKE THROWING UP.
Tagged with: why can i never describe how i feel accurately?, SICK
hot. sick. fuck.
[ Posted Wed, 25 May 2011 17:05:00 ]
my ipod decided to be a little bitch and become unstable, forcing me to ‘restore’ it. WHICH TAKES A LIFETIME. because i have so much music. gahhh. although its probably my fault, as i was playing games and listening to music until it died. but still. this ipod sucks. it already broke once, and my dad had to fix it. mayn. but im content with that. at least i get an ipod with 80gb, and thats good enough for me.
i dont understand when people have a cell phone, or ipod, and constantly get them upgraded. like its the natural thing to do. like thats what everyone does, or something. a cell phone or an ipod instantly sucks if it isnt the brand new, upgraded version. why do people spend so much money on these things? i dont know. i dont get it.
then again, i dont know what my dad is saving all his money for. never spending it, except to pay for the house, and other necessities. saving every chance he gets. which is good. it isnt good to use a lot of money that you dont really have. but like… what is he saving it for? i dont get it. i know he was saving for college, but he has wayyyy more money then hes going to spend on college. he acts like he doesnt have any money, but he has a WHOLE lot. he gets paid crazy amounts of money. even when you take out taxes. what is he saving for? i dont get the point of saving, if you arent going to use it for anything. eh, hopefully ill get it all when he dies. >im a bitch<
the only reason i ever want a lot of money, is because i want to go everywhere. EVERYWHERE! i want to go to so many other countries! im tired of being here.
and i want to order gauges online but i cant because then theyd know. D< goddammit. WANT. GAUGES. im so excited now that im at a two ^^; i think ill stay at a two for awhile, and i might go up to a zero, but im not sure yet. its just that there are more options for plugs and stuff when you are at a zero.
Hey
[ Posted Tue, 24 May 2011 23:07:22 ]
I read your SICK post and I wanted to reply to it, but it wouldn’t let me. I just want to say that I understand exactly what you are going through. Literally three days after we got off the plane from France my mom slept with another guy and I know it fucking sucks. I’m not sure if I have already told you this (I probably did), but if you want to talk to me about the stuff going on, I am here for you. I may not be very strong about it, but if you feel like crying and wailing, I am with you 100% of the way. Or if you just want to rant and yell and scream, I am a great listener. If you want to get high…, well you gotta try everything once, right?
And I know you may not want to, but the best advice I think I can give you is to talk to your dad. It’ll help.
its not even the fact that its happening to my parents. like. i just fucking love my mom. and my dad doesnt even appreciate her. ever. all he does is complain and shit, and be a little bitch. i just cant stand the fact that hes doing this to her. she really doesnt deserve it.. hes disgusting. but yeah, same here. if you need someone, you got me. ‘i got you babe’… xP but seriously. no matter what, im here for you. life is ridiculous. i know it, because its half of what i think about. i can understand unhappiness more than happiness, it seems.
and i cant talk to him. i really cant. maybe one day, but not right now. i dont want anything to do with him. maybe im childish, but its okay. i dont really care. >.<
Tagged with: ariel, submission
SOAD
[ Posted Tue, 24 May 2011 20:13:00 ]
listening to system of a down causes me to remember the good ol days of eighth grade. that was one of my favorite years of school, ever. i had awesome friends. michelle, plus all of my nerdy, loser guy friends (patrick, zach, ben aaron, etc). we would sit around in ben’s basement, listening to system of a down and playing halo on his projector. those wonderful days, where all of my close friends were guys, besides michelle, and i didnt have so many worries. i didnt think so much. my thoughts were much simpler, at least… the one thing i was obsessed with was boys, and thats probably all i thought about. school was easy, life was easy. although i dislike middle school in general, eighth grade was definitely a highlight. so many good times… kings dominion… even hunter’s house.. geez, i miss the simplicity of it all.
but i guess id rather not be ignorant. ah, but what was i ignorant to? i suppose the world. i never really knew what was going on back then. i still dont really know, because it disgusts me too much, i dont even want to know. bleh. im retarded.
FUCK
[ Posted Tue, 24 May 2011 18:05:00 ]
FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
Tagged with: fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck
college.
[ Posted Sat, 21 May 2011 23:04:00 ]
im going to fucking get a new roommate every week, because all of them are going to think im fucking insane for crying all the damn time. man, will i miss the freedom of really wailing.
Tagged with: im pathetic.
FUCKKKK
[ Posted Sat, 21 May 2011 22:57:00 ]
i wish it wasnt so easy for people to lie. i wish that i couldnt fucking lie to myself. i dont even know whats real anymore. everyone could really be fake to me, right now, and i wouldnt know it. because i believe everything. because i take everything to be the truth. because why wouldnt it? why would someone lie to me ? i dont know. why do i lie to myself? the reasons are probably similar.
i dont know what i really feel though. i dont know how to know. my thoughts interfere. i think that i really feel what i really think, but what if thats not right? what if my thoughts are really the ones that are confusing my feelings and making them sad? fuck i dont know. im crazy. CRAZY;;.
I JUST WANT TO FUCKING SNUGGLE GODDAMMIT. FUCKING FUCK FUCK IM SO LONELY.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW. I WANT TO KNOW PEOPLE. I WANT TO BE SO CLOSE ITS INSANE. BUT HOW CAN I DO THAT WHEN EVERYONE LIES, WHEN I LIE. HOW CAN I KNOW SOMEONE ELSE WHEN I DONT EVEN KNOW MYSELF. GODDAMMIT IM SO SICK OF THIS.
WHY DO I FEEL SO ALONE WHEN IM NOT?
no connection
[ Posted Fri, 20 May 2011 22:58:47 ]
my mind really only knows how to think in the ‘now’. that is, it only remembers feelings from the very recent. it does not remember how things were a month ago, or even a few weeks ago. its a terrible trait. while i try to grasp at wonderful memories, experiences, sensations of the past… i can only feel in the now. and then i wonder if those wonderful times really existed. because maybe they didnt, and i just made myself think they did. because i do that alot. fake my own happiness. i even fool myself. but i know later that it was fake… but then i get confused further on, to whether i faked it or not. so then it gets me wondering, if i put false thoughts into my head about other people’s feelings. because ive done that before too. im just crazy. fucking crazy. CRAZY FUCKING WOMAN. CRAZZZZYYYY WOMANNNN!
happiness
[ Posted Fri, 20 May 2011 22:54:27 ]
i think some people are meant to be happy, and some just arent. i dont think that anything can change it. one certainly cant depend on someone else to make them happy. they cant depend on material goods to make them happy. no one can really count on anything to make themselves happy except, well, themselves. thats why it sucks. because i suck. so ill never be happy. hunter told me the other day hes confident that i will be happy. i wish i was confident about that. i wish i was confident about anything. but i have nothing to be confident about. nothing good, nothing good.. im no good. no good!
i dont know if i really want to be a burden to anyone in the future. with this unhappiness weighing me down, theres no way i wouldnt be a burden. i dont really know what i want to do. i think im too selfish to make someone happy. even though thats what i want to do. its so difficult when i am so unhappy. what do i know about happiness? how could i possibly hope to make someone else feel that wonderful feeling, when i dont understand it? who am i kidding. no matter how much i want to be happy, it will never happen. no matter how much i want to fall in love, it will never happen. im doomed. i wish i could just do things for someone. i wish i could. i want to. but my emotions wont let me. im terrible, so terrible. i dont know how you could ever call me kind.
this is the worst. i wish i could take sleeping pills every night. i wish i had a reason to. but its so wonderful.. i dont have to do anything. i dont have to think. i dont have to cry. i dont have to be upset.
my head hurts so fucking much. i really have the worst headache. i dont know what to do. i dont know what to do with myself. with my life. i dont even know what i want to do! i feel like its such a waste now, to go to such an expensive school. when im just going to do nothing with my life. i wish i knew what i want. i wish i didnt want some things. i dont want to want what i want. im tired of being human. its really not that great.
FUCK YOU
[ Posted Thu, 19 May 2011 20:47:00 ]
I HATE YOU. MY HUSBAND IS GOING TO BE FIVE HUNDRED TIMES A BETTER MAN THAN YOU! FUCK YOU! DONT EVER JUDGE WHOEVER I FALL IN LOVE WITH, BECAUSE HE WOULD NEVER LIE TO HIS FAMILY AS MUCH AS YOU DO! HE WOULD NEVER HURT ME, EVEN IF HE KNEW ID LET HIM! FUCK YOU, I CANT BELIEVE SOMEONE AS SHITTY AS YOU CREATED ME. YOU ARE NOT A SUCCESSFUL MAN. YOU ARENT WORTH ANYTHING TO ME.
I AM UPSET
[ Posted Thu, 19 May 2011 20:40:00 ]
ABOUT SO MANY THINGS. AND I JUST WANT TO FEEL GOOD.
i just want to do the simple action, of laying there with someone, and snuggling. i just want to lay there. with you. that would make me feel better. i could lay there forever.
Tagged with: but i dont know if you could
sick.
[ Posted Thu, 19 May 2011 18:18:00 ]
my mother knows. she knows and she doesnt do anything about it. its frustrating me so much, its killing me, its making me sick. my poor mother.. my dear, poor mother! how could he do this to her?
i have to go. but i am editing this, i will finish this, because i am upset. and for once its not about myself.
—————
i knew about it. i mean, i figured it out when i was high one day, and ever since then, everytime im high and around my dad, i think about it, and i cant stand it. he is terrible about keeping secrets. but i didnt want to REALLY know. “im not going to ask, because sometimes its better not to know”. oh, mother. perhaps ignorance is bliss, but no matter what its still tearing you up inside. how can you be okay with this? i dont care if youve lived long enough, if you have everything you want, if you know hes not happy. that does not justify this. mother, you do not deserve this. i dont want you to just sit around and let it happen, when you know about it. why cant you stand up for yourself? say that you dont like it. that it makes you sad. you said that it happened before. that he stayed up all night with this woman in a hotel room, when ena and i were young, ‘making a mosaic’. “does he think im stupid?” you ask me. yes, probably. its the same with him smoking, you know. this is just much, much worse. he isnt just hurting himself this time.
it bothers you. you just told me you stayed up all night last night because of it. so would i, if my husband was going to fucking PENNSYLVANIA for a weekend to sleep with another woman. mom, you cant do this. how could you tell me not to cry when im watching this happen to you? how can you say its okay if it makes him happy ? thats not going to make him happy. i dont care if hes unhappy, he has no right to make you unhappy.
i cant believe this, mom. im just fucking like you. i dont even have the right to complain about your behavior, because i know i would do the same. isnt that sad… were too eager to please, mother. we are rarely concerned about our own happiness… of course, i dont mind that about me. but i mind it about you. im sorry i cant help fix it, mommy. i love you.
can't and won't stop crying. not now not ever.
[ Posted Tue, 17 May 2011 21:57:29 ]
Tagged with: its upsetting to see that other people feel as sad as i do, >.<
my head
[ Posted Mon, 16 May 2011 20:13:16 ]
its all too much… what do i even believe in, my thoughts are so conflicting.. what i want, what i am.. i dont know any of it.
that anime i just finished watching.. its like theres this place where young people go if they didnt live fulfilling lives before they died. so when they die, they go there. anyways, the main character cant remember his memories, and then he finally does. he had a mediocre job, and felt there was no meaning.. all he did was work to eat, and to buy small presents for his sick younger sister. she was so full of life, so happy, even if she was bound to the hospital. all he did was visit her, and work. and then when she died, he had nothing left. he had nothing to live for. he wondered how he was wasting his life doing nothing, when his sister wouldnt have done the same. and so he was determined to make his life meaningful. he started studying, and he had a goal to get to medical school, so he could help people. so he could save people, and have meaning. and he was riding the train to get to his entrance to medical school exam, when there was a train accident underground. him and the few survivors were stuck, but he tried to help them have hope and stay alive. eventually, they were all dying, and he took out a card, and donated all his organs so he could help someone else live, so his life would have meaning. everyone else did the same, but then he died, and the rest of the people got saved. he felt fulfilled at the end of his life, the only reason he went to the weird afterlife place was because he lost his memories…
it would take too long to explain how different aspects of this anime made me think about stuff. i just like his story, even though i dont think saving peoples lives makes your life meaningful.. but i dont know what does… i dont know what i want. and i dont know why i want it? why i need there to be a point.. i dont understand. cant i just be content with the fact that there is no meaning? that i have no meaning? i dont get it.. i dont get myself. what am i living for? to experience…? experience what? everything i experience is just a distraction from my thoughts, right? drugs, boys, reading, watching anime, etc. what is it all for? well, it would be boring without these things.. so does that mean that these things make up my life? thats sort of discouraging.. none of it is really real. but then, what is? gahh im so messed up and dramatic. but really, what is real? i dont know if anything i even think, or feel, is even real.. i mean, how do you know? whats the distinction? how i do i know im not placing these thoughts into my head? or that someone else is placing them there? i could be tricking myself. i could say that im feeling a certain way, but really not be feeling that. i could convince myself to think a certain way, but really not be thinking that.
or maybe that just means im weak.
but what does it matter, anyways? im so hypocritical.. my thoughts are so apathetic, i dont care about anything, and not many people. and yet, i am so fucking emotional. how does that even make sense? theres no reason for me to get so upset about things.. theres no reason for me to FEEL so much for anime characters, characters in books, movies… they arent real! BUT WHAT IS. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK./
hair
[ Posted Sun, 15 May 2011 20:10:00 ]
too much of it. im so done with it! it bothers me, i play with it all day long, and i just want it to go away. its not long enough to put in a ponytail, and i can push it back with a stretchy headband, but it still hangs off my head, just further back than before. i need it though, so i can stretch my ears unnoticeably. how annoying.
i definitely just agreed to go to my sisters tennis thing tomorrow, because im about to smoke weed and i felt kinda bad . xD plus, he kind of made me… anyways, its like a trade off. i smoke weed right now, and you dont say anything about it, and tomorrow i go do ‘family time’. plus, i smelt the cigarette smoke on you. that confirmed my want to smoke. also, i need to take a shower. and im tired. my eyes hurt. i want to lay down, and listen to the new music i got from michelle. well i didnt really get it from michelle, but i heard it at her house and liked it, and downloaded it, which is basically the same thing. its nice.
but i am just so tired… and i miss you. >.<
watch.
[ Posted Sat, 14 May 2011 15:13:45 ]
i have had many dreams of eventually ending up in water. different things will be on my mind each time i am underwater, and then all the sudden i always think of the same thing. ‘oh no, i have zac’s watch on!’. and then i spend the remaining part of my dream trying to figure out if your precious watch still works. i never find out, and then i wake up.
Tagged with: how odd.
i cry so easily.
[ Posted Sat, 14 May 2011 13:24:10 ]
its kind of ridiculous. xD
books, manga, anime, movies, tv shows.. people. but not most people. xD out of all of those things though, myself is still the biggest reason… pathetic.
i dont know what to do.
[ Posted Sat, 14 May 2011 11:42:23 ]
shelby hasnt texted me back, so idk if were hanging out. so i dont wanna make plans with michelle before she texts me back, but it always irritates me when people do that. if you dont wanna hang out, then tell me, so i can make use of my day (hahaha, like i ever make use of my days…). i do think that shelby wants to hang out, so thats not the problem here. xD i just dont know why she hasnt texted me back… and i wanna have a sleepover with michelle because we barely hang out anymore, tuesday was the exception and it was awesome. i always feel like shes annoyed at me though, and i hope its just my imagination and paranoia that im being a bother. because i love hanging out with her. and i love smoking with her. but i always feel shes annoyed… but if i hang out with anyone else, im annoyed with them.. xD haa. and i wanna hang out with hunter, but michelle gets annoyed at hunter, but i cant hang out with just hunter because that feels off. i wanna hang out with hunter and chris, and smoke and do whatever. because that sounds like a good idea.
but right now. im tired and bored and at a loss. i guess id rather be bored than doing something i dont want to do.. but still. bleh.
out of breath.
[ Posted Thu, 12 May 2011 19:09:00 ]
im tired. and sickly. and confused. same as always, same as always. sometimes i wonder why i continue to write, because i am rather repetitive. i feel the same things, over and over again. i contradict myself over and over again. bleh. i feel like throwing up. its hot in here.
i have a bad habit of imagining things in my head before they happen. i also have a bad habit of wishing to please people. i have a lot of bad habits. i pick my nose, too. but i dont consider that bad, because i think its fun…
the first bad habit usually happens at night. and i cant stop it. and every time i imagine a situation, it always ends badly. for me, at least. and im mean in my imagination. im hateful. i dont care about irritating people, or bothering them, or hurting them. i just say exactly what im thinking. that wouldnt happen in real life. ive somehow convinced myself that i say whats on my mind, but truthfully, i do not. i dont know why i ever thought i did…? i am not as straightforward as i thought i was. perhaps more than some people, but.. to some people, i dont really say what i want to. if i did, id have no friends.. id have nobody. not that im like using people or anything. im just mean. im a hateful little thing on the inside. and i dont think anybody could take it. also, i doubt my thoughts are important enough to voice. but thats just me being a whiny little bitch. fuck, everything i think is so whiny.. whatever.
anyways, i want it to stop. ive done it for as long as i remember. it started when i liked boys. id think of what i could say to them, or what could happen… back then, these imagined situations had more positive endings. now, not so much. they seem to usually end up with me being really upset, and yelling really mean, terrible things to the other person. and then i try to think about what would REALLY happen in such situations, and instead of me yelling i would most likely run away and cry in some far off place, where i couldnt bother anyone.. so im not sure how i really feel. i hope im really not that mean. but i must be, because how else could i think such thoughts? who am i kidding, ill never get married. i dont know what im going to do.. why do i have to live… goddammit.
on to the second bad habit. it goes for anyone who i like, or has maybe been nice to me. in ecology the other day, someone needed to make up a homework, and shes never been mean to me, so i let her look at mine. its not like it matters anyways, even if she did it she wouldnt learn anything.. ive always let certain people copy off of me. its something ive never cared about… unless i didnt like the person. then i got annoyed. i dont think school work is worth getting upset over someone copying you. anyways, its really random who i yearn to please. its not like id ever act like a different person, or anything like that. i just like doing things for people. which makes no fucking sense because i hate everyone. xD zac called me cynical, but i dont think i really am. maybe some of the same aspects apply to me… anyways. thats probably why ive blown so many people. if i was really opposed to the idea, id say no. but im sure i wanted to please these people. i mean, i wouldnt have done them so. perhaps i was doing as much as i could for them. i dont know. i dont remember… its different now.
but how i do i decide who is undeserving and who isnt? i dont know. its just this thing, that happens in my mind, i guess. id do virtually anything for zac, and nearly anything for michelle and hunter. id do alot for shelby. and even for ena. i guess my mom.. depends on what though. and omar… and id do lots of littler things for random other people. i dont know.. this also adds to the fact that im basically terrified of irritating someone (unless i dont care about them, obviously). its hard to believe that someone as obnoxious and loud as i is afraid to be a bother. HA.
i dont know what to do anymore. everything makes me upset. im a wimp. i dont really like much of anything. and i dont feel like doing anything. it is so pointless of me to be here.. doing nothing.. wanting to do nothing.. which is much worse. no, scratch that. i want to do something. i just dont feel like it. and theres a difference. i really have no idea what im going to do with my life. if i grow up, and kill myself, im going to feel really bad, because my father spent so much money on my college education~
"we need to teach you tennis etiquette"
[ Posted Wed, 11 May 2011 21:43:00 ]
FUCK NO YOU DONT.
i dont give a fuck about the opposing player! maybe that isnt very nice, but do you think i give a fuck? i rarely come to these things, because they are time consuming. but my sister deserves to be rooted for. if the other girl hits the ball into the net, hell yeah im gonna say “YEAH!”, and not care if everyone thinks im rude. yeah. im italian. im loud and obnoxious. and encouraging. and my sister appreciates it. and deserves it. and so does emily. the only way for me to have fun is to go crazy for my sister, and for ena and emily when they play doubles. emily loves my cheering. and my fist pumping. ive only been to two matches this whole season, and one was just a doubles match. so dont tell me how to root for my sister. ill do it however much i like. that girl is a bitch, she called ena’s ball out the first time they played, which caused her to win unfairly. im going to do whatever the hell i want, and you cant stop me. youll just have to deal with it. because ena loves it. emily loves it. everyone else needs to loosen up, because this whole experience is supposed to be enjoyable, and i strive to make it that way, especially for the players. and i succeed. obviously i am doing something better than you are.
I AM SO BORED
[ Posted Tue, 10 May 2011 18:07:00 ]
BUT I DONT WANT TO BE HIGH BY MYSELF.
AND MICHELLE WONT ANSWER HER PHONE
AND ZACS MOM IS A BITCH
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKK I CANT BE LEFT ALONE LIKE THIS. ILL START THINKING. D< I DONT FEEL LIKE BEING DEPRESSED RIGHT NOW.
MY HEAD HURTS AND I FEEL SICKLY. I WANT ZAC. IM WHINEY. WHINE WHINE WHINEEEEEEE. I WANT SOMEONE TO GET HIGH WITH. I DONT WANNA SMOKE BY MYSELF ANYMOREEEEEE
you got me!
[ Posted Sun, 08 May 2011 22:06:07 ]
YOU GOT ME, unknown ib math people! YOU. GOT. ME. clearly you are trying to send me a message to say that i should definitely NOT major in mathematics. i hear ya. i hear you loud and clear, ib math bitches. i see what youre doing. making these tests impossible so the students lose moral.. of course, it doesnt work on the boys. or maybe they are just lying. maybe they are just ‘being cool’. being TOUGH. maybe this is really just as difficult for them. okay, maybe not all of them. but some of them, definitely. they just arent as fucking emotional about it. but, you got me. i have fallen into your trap. i feel exactly as you want me to feel.
IM CRAZY. MAD WOMAN. WALALALALALALALAAAOOOOO!
Tagged with: im fucking retarded
today.
[ Posted Sun, 08 May 2011 19:56:00 ]
turned out better than i thought it would.. of course, that would be because of you.. it makes me so happy, when i get to see you, and we never planned it before hand. i didnt think today was going to be very fun, and then it was. so thank you, thank you! :D everything is just so simple when im with you ^^; its lovely. everytime i see you and you leave i miss you even more! gahh.
time to study for math. and i dont even mind that much. xP
Tagged with: (:
..but
[ Posted Sun, 08 May 2011 16:14:24 ]
over texting, you dont get any true emotion at all.. you can choose how you want to be perceived. its like a lie. but its not really a lie.. its just like one.. and i just have never liked texting.. at least over the phone, its a little more likely to hear what the other person is feeling.. its more difficult to cover up the emotions in your voice.. but, i suppose i dont even really understand what you are getting at.. and i dont know why i find it necessary to always say something about everything you post. i dont get it though. i cant figure out if its about yourself, or me, or someone completely different or just phone conversations in general. ive always had this thing with boyfriends, that none of them liked talking on the phone. omar liked to, but not if i had anything to say, which always bothered me.. i always thought it was enough to just be on the phone with the person, and maybe say something every now and then… but perhaps i am the odd one. so, i apologize, and if you really dont want to call me, ever, you dont have to.. although that doesnt make sense because one day you told me you like going to sleep after hearing my voice.. oh, i cant understand you! im frustrated.
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