collage of words.
[ Posted Thu, 10 Feb 2011 01:40:00 ]
i decided to be a creepy little fuck, and look at everything ive ever written about you (before we dated) in my actual blog, and perhaps my journals but im probably too lazy to type those up. heh. also, i wont be offended if you are actually creeped out by them. if you think about how you felt when i wrote these, it would make sense. xD thats why they were on my blog, and not on my tumblr. ahaa. but now i think its really funny. but seriously, its creepy. and girly. and retarded. and obnoxious. lolololol. and, so you know, its not my whole blog posts. i never really had one JUST about you. SO DONT FEEL SPECIAL! xP
9/17/10
but yeah. im annoyed at myself. ive secretly liked that zac kid ever since that day in english, that day that shane asked me out. i cant help it. im attracted to him. i told eryn. because she told me, that sometimes she thinks she likes tyler. that made me really happy, i want them to date. she told me not to tell anyone. technically im not, im just blogging about it. but yeah. zac. theres just. something so interesting about him. and i seriously think he is sooper cute. and he has freckles all over his face, but small, light colored ones, that are spread apart. and i freaking. love them. and hes soooper tall and quirky looking, eryn thinks he looks awkward but i dont. but maybe i just like awkward looking people. hes really skinny too. and hes intelligent. finding someone intelligent, cute, and interesting is like. the freaking jackpot for me. when do i ever find someone intelligent, that isnt one of the retarded IB boys?
“Ah yes, it does.. kind of. Its weird. I love math and history, and even english sometimes, but I HATE ...busy work.“ I'd rather learn and discuss and think and research than fill out sheets of memorized scribbles to get me into college—not life. Well, there's my mini-rant! Goodnight.”
can i hug him? please? XD
NO. I HAVE SHANE. BLEHHHHHHH.
9/21/10
SO HERES WHAT HAPPENED TODAY.
i was walking with becca to math, and then i hit someones arm or hand or something. for some reason, i assume i have to know this person. becca is to my right, so i look to my left, and guess who. zac. and i smile accidentally, and call him a creeper. and then we chat a little, and its off to math for me! and i swear, i was like giggly all of math, i couldnt help it. just that fact that he must have seen me, and then zoomed up to be next to me, made my stomach all bubbly. :P
english, i was hyper as ever. and why wouldnt i be? i was going to see my beanstalk. i decided to use that nickname. when i told eryn how i thought he was really cute, she said he looked like a beanstalk. and i was like EXACTLY, A REALLY CUTE BEANSTALK. she doesnt think hes attractive at all, BUT GUESS WHAT ERYN, I DONT GIVE A FUCK. his number in my phone is named Beanstalk! hahaa. BUT YEAH. and eryn was like, why are you being so crazy and hyper. and i was like BECAUSE. ILL TELL YOU LATER.
and then she was like. stop looking at him. and im like SEDFHNDUIFHNSFNSDGKDF WTVR, CUNT HALP EEET. and i was all giggly and dumb, and then i was all happy, because mr barker said GROUP WORK, and then i was sooper dooper happy because i turn around to see zac pointing at me, and forming the word YOU with his mouth, without actually saying it. and i was like SQUEAL. and so, our group is eryn, brittany, beanstalk, and i, and i hope it shall remain this way throughout the year.
and maybe its wrong, but i shamelessly flirted with him, although i have a boyfriend. xD we were doing the motif of colors, and i found yellow, and i asked him what yellow meant. and he was like.. yellow is.. daffodils. and i was like HAHA WAT. and we were all saying really dumb things for no reason; eryn asked if peanut was a color, and almost said that twelve was. then i was telling brittany and eryn that their faces were DIRT red, which makes a lot of sense. and then i told eryn, were the most exactly people that dont make sense, or something like that, and i meant for it to make sense but it didnt at all. xD it was just hilarious.
AND YESTERDAY I SAW HIM IN THE HALL AND HE SMILED AT ME AND I SMILED AT HIM.
see, this is what i missed out with shane. there was none of this, this girly squealy stuff. im going to break up with him friday, because thats the next time im going to see him. id rather play halo with hunter tomorrow than get it over with then. xD so, im procrastinating until friday! thats not too long. i can handle it. i got out of playing halo with him today, by saying my sister was playing. i honestly just dont want him to beat me, at least not while we are dating. XD
jeez, i sound really mean but. it really was too rushed. i thought that could be fixed, but it wasnt. it cant be fixed. and he thinks well be together for a long time, which would freak any normal person out, and hes too sexually demanding, and i just dont like him all that much, but im not going to tell him that part. i do like him. i just dont wanna be with him. xD hes too needy, i dont even enjoy talking to him all that much. i know hell be dramatic when i break up with him but i dgaf. hell be k. hell find someone to fuck.
bleh. ive been texting zac all day. im a terrible, terrible girlfriend.
9/23/10
my mom wouldnt let me do my homework. she made me lay down with an icepack on my nose, she was convinced it was broken. but ice is cold, it hurts, i didnt want it. i didnt want to go to sleep, what if my tooth fell out? i eventually talked to jayson, a little. i dont know why he makes me feel better. i would go to sleep, and wake up, and go to sleep, it was really annoying. and everytime i woke up, i just wanted it to be 8, because thats when my dentist was open or something. and i cried a lot, because i was worried. dads gonna be mad, hes gonna be mad he has to pay money, im going to miss tomorrow and i cant, i cant make up so many ib classes, i have a math quiz, i need to do it, i need to do my homework, i need to read for english, i cant miss it, i have group work, i want to see beanstalk, i have a speaking section in french, i have to write about a debate in french, i have too much stuff to do tomorrow, i cant miss, my grade will drop, i dont miss school, im not a pansy, my tooth is gonna fall out, im not going to have a tooth, what the fuck is my problem, why the hell am i so damn stupid, this doesnt hurt, why am i crying.
9/26/10
this weekend was really lame. i did nothing. i was sad i couldnt work, but now im alright because apparently im still getting paid! ahaha. xD so yup yup. all ive done is think about stupid shit, and beanstalk. i cant help it. i told becca today i liked him, and she also told me wed be a cute couple. what is with all of this. getting my hopes up and stuffs. its not good.
i started typing pretty long posts on one of my tumblrs, and then he followed it and i was like aw, shit. cause i said something about liking him, but i didnt actually say his name, and its not super obvious, but still. but i decided to use it as a clever device to try and get him to like me, because apparently he read my ‘explosion of words that was quite massive’ (thats what he called it). and so, i wrote a paragraph somewhere about liking freckles. XD and other little things like that. becca says i always end up dating who i like.. now thats not true. i mean, maybe sometimes, but not always. im just being realistic here. but its nice to dream.
ACTUALLY, HE WAS IN MY DREAM LAST NIGHT. and he was reallllly fat! and it was really funny. my dream last night was pretty weird, i wish i remembered all of it. it was really random, and one part was zac and i in my computer room, and we were talking and laughing, and i couldnt decide if i still liked him since he was so fat, and i couldnt remember when he was skinny so i was confused? idk.
9/28/10
and zac texted me today! EHE. i usually text him first. he only texted me first that other night, asking if i was dating anyone. but ive been like, not texting him, because i dont want to be obnoxious. im pretty sure im going to tell him friday. because its like. im trying to wait, and be patient, and get him to like me. but im just too impatient. xD and wednesday is too soon. so friday it is.
9/29/10
zac decided to fix my lack of star wars knowledge, and pretty much told me i am now enrolled in ap star wars. XD first thing he did in english today, was come up to me, and say, you know, i wasnt kidding about sharing my knowledge of star wars with you. and i said, i know man, and i wasnt kidding about wanting to learn from you either. and he pulls out a book, and tells me thats my first assignment. the book is titled Star Wars: the Essential Guide to Alien Species. He said hes going to quiz me on it too, and when i asked when i had to finish reading, he replied, with a smile, next class. after i protested, he simply said, well this is an ap class, you are getting college credit for this. and then we joked about him finding a college that accepted credits in a star wars course. now, even though he was kidding, because this book is pretty long, i am going to finish it by friday, just to show him. i have to be the star pupil, if i want the cute professor to notice me. ;D also, im most likely confessing to him on friday. because im much too excited, i dont think i can wait a whole weekend, i dont think i can wait very long at all. ah, me and my impatience.
just about a million people know i like him now, because there was this message on facebook about homecoming, and i just started blabbing to jessica about him, forgetting that this message was with a whole lot of people, and then when i realized, i simply said i dgaf. xD and morgan brought it up today at the end of english, without him hearing, of course, and it was just silly. so, if he rejects me, i think ill laugh. xD because, i let too many people know, and if all these people know you like someone, and then that person rejects you.. well thats just so funny. xD
i keep picturing how its going to happen, because i have nothing better to do with my spare time. and its really funny, because the atmosphere is awkward no matter what i do, but i like it, i like the uncomfortable feel of it all. there must be something wrong with me. :D
last night, i didnt do any of my homework, and i thought that was really funny too. xD everything is hilarious to me nowadays. i was like. i dont care about any of this shit, ill do it later. and so i did. i did my french in the morning, briefly studied for math in french, and read three chapters of the bell jar, along with completing pages in my reading log for said chapters, in government. every a day now, i simply want to go to english. i cried in math today, because we had a test. now, there arent very many questions, but i only fully answered three. i just, couldnt think of how to do the other problems, and if i could think it through part of the way, i couldnt finish. and there was no calculator. and i cant do things like simplifying radicals, and other kinds of things like that without a calculator, because our damn society is taught with calculators, which doesnt really teach you anything.
and so, im pretty dead the whole day, until i get to english. then, im animated as ever. and still, i make the most retarded, unattractive faces and noises, and EVERYONE seems to be looking at me when i do it. xD its a good thing i dont care, but i feel my face turning slightly red when i look back and see zacs smiling face. although the reason i am so hyper, and have so much energy that block, is because of him. usually, at the end of the day, i would be dying. a days are reversed for me. even my sister thinks hes cute, as i went to the bathroom when she and him both had lunch, and i told her who he was.
i thought it was weird today, that both michelle and eryn said i looked really cute. usually, they wouldnt like the same things. so i found that funny. :P my sister also said i was cute, and i simply replied, WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS? and she smiled in her stupid, sisterly way, showing that she knew. my mom keeps asking questions about him, and i somehow have the answers. shes like, when can i meet this boy? well, if everything goes well friday mom, hopefully relatively soon.
anyways, when i came home from the doctors, this is how i felt.
im pretty damn happy right now. im quite silly, actually. xD i have no legitimate reason to be so content. i just am, and this is my favorite kind of happiness. im not looking at tomorrow or the next as a tiring day of pointless school. im not thinking, oh damn, i have to go unload the dishwasher. im simply existing; although i believe without a purpose, nevertheless, nothing can bother me right now. i do wish it wasnt raining, so i could go swing, or take a walk, or lay on my trampoline idly, all of which i have recently taken a liking to. but instead, i shall sit comfortably in my bed, and read this extremely interesting star wars book that is part of my new AP star wars curriculum, distributed to me today by my fantastic professor. ah, happiness and tranquility.
turns out, concern for my best friend happens to be something that will intrude upon my happiness, as it should. i should be going to her house tomorrow, but she didnt answer the phone, so i cant tell her that. xD so i dont know if thats okay, because my mom wouldnt let me go today? dumb. oh, my dear, freckled meesh. i only wish there were more i could do for you.
10/4/10
first off, ill say what happened with beanstalk. i told him. and he didnt say anything. XD and then he started looking for his brother. and then i left. he texted me saturday morning, and this is what it said: “Hey, im sorry for being so damn awkward yesterday, but im perfectly chill with just being friends if thats okay with you.” of course its okay, fucktard, what the hell am i supposed to say to that. so, oh well. i figured he didnt like me after he didnt say anything, so i decided friday night to like someone else, and i picked jacob.
10/7/10
i decided not to like anthony anymore, because today we were talking about religion and he said he was super christian. super christians dont like girls who dgaf about religion, this was already proven with zac (according to friend, of course).
10/11/10
last night, beanstalk asked me to go to the movies with him tomorrow. but then he said it wasnt playing here yet, so he will tell me when it does. man, people just suck. rejecting someone, then asking them to the movies. wtf. i dont like him anymore, but if he for some reason, out of nowhere, decided to like me, then i will decide to like him too.
10/13/10
and sara and shelby and i were talking later. and shelby said she made a bet with someone jayson and i would be together by christmas, and the other person said before thanksgiving. how absurd, these girls. i told her i dont want to date him again. and mentioned how it would be weird when brandon came back. because, i seriously want brandon. XD like. goddammit. XD lately ive been thinking of him more and more, but im trying not to. seriously, i dont think ive ever wanted someone so badly.. its because hes in fucking china. and i never talk to him anymore! it really sucks. bleh. WELL YEAH. and they both thought that zac was retarded, cause i told them what he did. xD i thought it was funny. sara said we would look really freaking cute. and i thought so too. -.- plus, zac has so many qualities i want in a person… WHATEVER. i dont like him anymore, honestly. its just, such a shame. beanstalk is useless now. :P
10/14/10
i love hugs. i want to hug people all day. i wish people didnt think that was so creepy, because id be cuddling with everyone. i sat next to zac in english today, we created a big circle. im happy we are friends, i like being silly with him. i dont need to date him, hed just piss me off. xD although he has many qualities i want in a boy, hes also just.. well. idk. the whole time we were dating, id probably think of him as better than me. its kinda bothersome, you know? like, i would feel like i was always trying so hard, to be acceptable to him, but i would never be enough. so i didnt lose anything.
10/18/10
celerystick-carrothead
youre a jerk. i confess to you, and you want to be friends. then you ask me to the movies, and ask eryn where i am if im not at school, and ask me where i am when i dont post on tumblr, and text me all freaking DAY. i dont know about you, buddy, but i dont do that to people who i am JUST CHILL WITH BEING FRIENDS WITH. what the hell is this! youre making me like you again, yes, you, im blaming you! i dont care if thats right or wrong. im mad, im frustrated because i dont want to like someone who isnt going to like me back and who isnt going to date me, what the fuck is the point of it all! why are you doing this. FRUSTRATION. you. ARE FRUSTRATING! i love freaking talking to you, i love what you have to say, i love how you are silly and intelligent at the SAME TIME, ive never found a boy like that before. i dont care if you have strong views on things i dont agree with, because that stuff doesnt matter to me. but im MAD at you, i told you i wouldnt like you anymore, if you just wanted to be friends. and now im a liar, when i dont want to be, when i dont mean to be.
“well arent you a smart cookie”.
“eh, i dont think cookie is exactly the right word”
”.. WELL ARENT YOU A SMART CELERY STICK”
“but i dont like celery. i was thinking more of a carrot..”
“why, because of your hair? BUT YOU ARENT ORANGE”
“-adorable awkward laugh-“
just explaining the title. i was talking to him after the senior ice cream thing, i dont even know why he was lingering and talking to me, as we were both somewhat late back to class, well i assume he was. why.
i was watching aladdin today, and he told me he was getting aladdin pants. he didnt even know i was watching the movie, it was so weird. xD i might make some for myself. they are 15 on the website, and for some reason i think thats too much, cause im cheap. and im sure i could make some, perhaps i could find a free pattern somewhere, or just make one up and it wouldnt be very good, but it would cost me less than 15 dollars. :D but that reminds me, i need to get started on my prom dress, before its too late! i need to chill with my grandma, and get her to teach me how to sew boning into the corset part, and get her to teach me to read the pattern correctly. i can get the general idea but im much to afraid of fucking up. i need fabric though.. i think i have enough tulle for the bottom, although im not sure how long im going to make it, or even HOW im going to make it yet, because if i make it like my tutu it might be ratty looking, and i want to be pretty not ratty. did i mention if i dont have a boyfriend by prom im going to ask beanstalk to be my date? and this was even before he went and did all this dumb stuff. and if he says no, im going to ask jayson, cause im pathetic. :D
when i was watching aladdin, i had this absurd daydream that i swear i wasnt controlling, in which beanstalk was aladdin and i was jasmine, and i knew it was all wrong because ive always wanted to be aladdin, not jasmine. xD i just thought it was really funny. XD but we rode on the magic carpet and it was really super duper cool.
10/19/10
creepinbeanstalk.
so im walkin back from lunch, and im in front of the blackbox. i feel someones hands near my waist, as if they are trying to tickle my sides. for some reason i think its jayson, then i remember i saw him walk into the room. i turn, and there stands, towers, a beanstalk. i dont know what to say, because i was thinking, what the fuck. and then we chatted a bit, but im sure i was quite uninteresting because i was confused the whole time, which was only like a minute cause then the bell rang so i went into theatre, what the fuck was he even doing in the hallway? eryn passed us while we were talking, and when i got back in she had that expression on her face. and i just stomped across the room loudly, exclaiming that i was frustrated.
michelle told me i looked really cute today, i thought i looked alright, but when she said that i was a little sad. i figured, i looked cute for no reason, i had no one to look cute for. and then beanstalk showed up, and that made me feel a little better, and like i didnt waste such a cute outfit. i dont like wasting cuteness. xD im a freak.
10/20/10
ive felt so frustrated. i think one of the reasons is beanstalk. but i stepped back today, i detached myself from the situation and looked at it. i decided hes just odd, hes just an awkward person and thats why hes acting like this. since i told him i dont like him anymore and he said he just wants to be friends, he can act however he wants, and i should know that he still just wants to be friends, and its all okay because i dont like him anymore so i wont be getting any ideas. thats how it really is, and i look too much into things, because im a useless girl. he asked me if i was doing anything friday, and i was like.. im working. XD and he cant do anything during the weekdays, because he has to ‘focus on his schoolwork’. so what the fuck is even the point of dating him if i cant even see him on weekdays. fuck that. i dont need him. but none of it matters anyways, cause he doesnt like me.
i saw him pass me while i was standing outside the math classroom with becca after second block. i eventually decided to go after him, i caught up to him and tapped his shoulder and hid, ive played this game with him like 4 times and i get him everytime! he looked the wrong way, like always, but this time he sorta turned his head the right way, and stuck out his arm behind him and tickled my stomach! XD i was like WAT. and we chatted but he was going a different way, and when i was walking to government, i looked at my hands and they were shaking. damn.
but i had my little revelation after school. oh, and during english we were talking, and we always like, fake fight i guess, cause we are just cool like that. :P and he like kicked my boots, so i was trying to kick his feet and i got him a few times and he said ow, and it looked like we were dancing. xD i dont really know why im blogging about this, its like im trying to get myself to believe he likes me, but i dont want to believe that and i DONT believe that, because its fucking absurd! he just wants to be damn friends!
he has small lips anyways. those kinds of lips are super weird to kiss. and i bet he wouldnt do anything sexual anyways, and i like to play with weiners. and hell hate me forever when he learns i do bad shit, and i dont have a religion, and im a ho, and everything else terrible about me. and i cant see him on weekdays, wtf, well it doesnt matter cause ill be busy soon anyways. but he can drive. and i find him like, really attractive. he makes the cutest faces in english! im a creeper and i watch him. im happy because when im gone, some people switched seats, and now hes in the front row, and the only thing in between us is eryn! sometimes theres this vein that goes up the side of his face and into his forehead, i think its so interesting. and hes so silly, and i really never get bored of talking to him. and hes just so intelligent, its so hot. xD and it would be so cute to date him, i like his silly laugh and when he tickles me. and everyone else thinks we would be really cute, which is obviously important. /sarcasm. and damn, hes creative too. FUCK FUCK FUCK. no. hes ridiculous and irritating and frustrating and annoying and UGH! an asshole! hes fucking with me and i dont like it! NO NO NO. i dont care how cute or smart he is, fuck that. he just thinks hes better than most people anyways, im sure! fuck it!
brandon might have a girlfriend.
im dying.
way to be dramatic, right. IM SO DONE WITH BEING SINGLE. REALLY. ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY, OBVIOUSLY. HAVE YOU BEEN WITH ME THESE PAST FEW DAYS? BECAUSE IM FUCKING INSANE! FUCKING INSANE. i cant get used to it, i cant i cant i cant. and now i dont even have brandon, so im falling apart. at least i had him before. i mean, ill still have him next summer but thats far away, and thats not now. and jayson, thinking about jayson is fucked up, good thing ive stopped doing that so much. FUUUUUUUUCK IM ALL ALONE. WHY IS THIS SUCH A FUCKING ISSUE TO ME. GAAAAAAAAAHHDDDAMMIT. im tired and sad and frustrated. i need to find a means of temporary escape, but i havent bathed in ages, so i think i should maaaaayyybe do that.
im such an artist.
10/21/10
m so glad to be distracted from the confusing beanstalk. the situation is only confusing because im making it so, but i dont care. xD its dumb. and now i have brandon again, and hes someone to talk to, which is pretty much all beanstalk would be anyways, because i probably wont get to make out with him much, cause he probably doesnt do that, or something dumb like that. idk.
10/23/10
i remember last night, i was really tired, but for some reason i was thinking about beanstalk. and i thought that like. either, one, hes just really odd. or two, hes considering liking me, and is taking time to decide whether he wants to date me or not. either way, it looks like im not going to date him. but thats okay with me, as long as we get to be friends and hang out and shit, im all good.
10/25/10
FINE BEANSTALK. ill like you goddammit. im tired of this. i dont care if even for a split second i analyze your actions and decide they mean you like me, because in the end i am forced to think the same thing. you dont like me, you just want to be friends, and you are just odd. life could go so many ways depending on who i date. BUT WHATEVER. ill like you, because im tired of being confused. at least i can like you, and know you dont like me. i can just like you for fun, without any intention to date you. i can just like you so i can have someone to flirt with in school, someone to ‘look good’ for in school.
i thought of doing that when i was high, but then i forgot about it till i wasnt anymore. XD he was like rubbing his eyes one day, but i turned around and thought he was just doing that for some reason. so i wanted to style my hair like his, make freckles, pretend to have a thick watch on, and take a picture as him. xD i tagged him on facebook and submitted it to his tumblr. he said it made his day. :3 and he would like to see my hair styled as his. ITS GOIN DOWN TOMORROW. ima be a pink version of him, so i can wear my boots and be tall. and probably my other star wars shirt, and a sports bra, so i have no boobies.
FUCK YOU BEANSTALK
10/26/10
i looked dumb the whole day today. its a mighty good thing i dont care what people think about me. XD i made my hair look kind of like zacs, and i mean, it did in the morning. i also gave myself freckles, and wore a star wars shirt, and did the watch thing. i wore the closest thing to jeans i have, which were blue leggings with ripped gray striped ones on top. i also wore my pink boots, just to be taller, and made a thing saying ‘RAMONES’ on paper that wrapped around my boot, because he has something like that on a pair of jeans. oh, and i did wear my sports bra, over top of a regular bra. xD my hair was the most retarded, but once again. i dgaf.
he found it pretty amusing. he sits behind me in english now, im constantly turning around and flirting with him, looking at the hundreds of freckles on his face and his long nose. he told me i should come with him and show his mom, because she was picking him up today. the thought TERRIFIED me, but i was like OKAY! he somehow always convinces me to be late to whoever is picking me up, im so fucking inconsiderate. at least i called my mom and told her.
when we had a fire drill, he was teetering on the curb, so i was like.. what would happen if i.. and i pushed his chest, but he grabbed my arm at the last second, pulling me down with him, me and my 8 inch platforms. if i didnt have such great balance, i would have toppled onto him, and we would have fallen on the concrete, entangled. as wonderful as that sounds, im kinda glad it didnt happen, although it would have been super awkward and therefore hilarious. x)
but yeah, then i had to meet his mom. and im freaking retarded. why do i have to meet his mom when i look so dumb. when im so frazzled by his mere presence, thats what i have been reduced to! (like, in english, im seriously an idiot. im only REALLY obnoxious and loud and silly in that class, and its because my stomach is taking me every which way, and i dont know what to do with my emotions, and it bothers me). i didnt even say it was nice meeting you, where the fuck are my manners? now he can never date me, not that i had any hope left anyways. but his mom is going to be like, you cant date her, shes weird and obsessed and has no manners, she is not a fine young lady at all!!! oh, but i love his brother!!! hes so nice! i walked with both of them to their moms car. i think robbie is a bit less awkward, but still awkward. xD because he just started talking to me, and we just talked like we knew each other, but we really dont. ahaa. BUT YEAH I SUCK. then again, his mom did say that zac had told her about my boots. DEY BEEEN TALKIN BOUU MEHHH.
10/27/10
so im a bitch. and a ho. and everyone keeps saying how this other boy likes me, and they are all wrong and really annoying because i dont want to hear it anymore. its an established fact (that he does not like me) and everyone should get over it and stop bugging me about it, because im not sad, and i dont care how cute you think wed be. i dgaf dgaf dgaf. BLEH. sdbfhjsdgbujshngisfs’
the last thing is about beanstalk, but i do NOT want to talk about him, because he infuriates me.
11/3/10
ive been trying to read zac’s star wars book, but its so hard. i cant do it. i cant focus on anything anymore, i just get distracted by other thoughts, especially ones about zac, and how much i like him and hate him at the same damn time, and then i lose track of what i was reading. dammit. i still dont understand why i act in such a way. i really hope he asks me to hang out friday. x) especially cause we have early release.
11/4/10
he likes to take them. he enjoys taking math tests.
i wish i could just stop talking to him. i was actually talking to eryn, i cant remember how the subject of math came up, but i said i had a lot of fun in math class today, because all we did was take a test, and i love taking tests because its just me DOING math, i dont have to sit there and listen to someone trying to teach, i just DO. and zac exclaimed, ME TOO! i love taking math tests! and then we each talked about the bonus problems on each of our math tests, and i just wished hed never opened his mouth. who the fuck likes math tests? my heart melted when he said that. i am so frustrated at my lack of control of my emotions when it involves him. i. am. helpless.
also, im pretty sure he wants to legalize marijuana. i dont know why. but a lot of things on his tumblr points to it. so, if he knew i smoked, he probably wouldnt even mind. fuck.
i have been better about thinking about him though. because now at least i can just distract myself with thoughts of tyler. it wouldnt be worth it to date him when he lives so far away, hes not someone i would put that much effort into seeing. yeah, i wanna smoke with him. yeah, i wanna make out with him, especially while high (and yes, if he comes, i WILL make out with him at my birthday party). maybe, if he lived here id want to date him. but he doesnt. so hes not really good enough. :P he doesnt do much, and i dont think hes all that intelligent. but its nice to have someone to talk to, and its nice to have someone want you, however pathetic that sounds. once again, im done caring. xD i am pathetic. dgaf dgaf dgaf.
11/5/10
so much more fun than hanging out with eryn, which i did for early release today. :P i talk about beanstalk all the time with eryn, its like i cant stop myself. and im annoyed. and she tells me about tyler, and i dont really care. xD jeez, im just tired of girls (‘sides you, meesh. you never count as a girl). today with zach, dado, caleb, and frank was so refreshing.
11/10/10
im completely done with beanstalk, i dont like him anymore, and sometimes im even annoyed at him. the only people im never annoyed with now, boy-liking wise, is jayson, who doesnt really count, and zach, whom ive already said doesnt count. damn. every fucking one.
first year in a long time i havent had anyone on my birthday. although last year was fucking stupid, because jayson was being dumb, and im still really mad about it. i understand that other things are more important than me, but on my fucking birthday? what the hell. whatever. now i have no one, so at least a boy wont be frustrating me and making me want to cry on my birthday. ive asked myself this every year, why is my birthday so important? i dont know. it just is. xD
tomorrow is going to be good. but sad, i dont want to be an adult. but still good. ill be k. always am. im smokin at 11:30 tonight, like a cool kid.
11/15/10
i have so much to blog about, with so little time. saturday was district audtions, then cleaning all day, then party all night, then grandparents all sunday and play practice, then r-mc all today and haircut (not really noticable, just more balanced), and talking to omar, and trying to do my FUCKING paper, thats really only a draft, but NOW I CANT BECAUSE OF FUCKING BEANSTALK.
but i just wanted to point out, that Michelle Winkler, i love you to fuckinggg DEATH. k?gud.
so. beanstalk has been texting me more often than usual. sunday, i was texting him. and he said something about being a wall flower at my party, and i said, but an oh-so-pretty one! and he said: ah, but you were the prettiest one there :) and i said, but i wasnt a wall flower! and he said, duh, you were the sunflower in the middle of everything!
you know what, i had stopped liking him again, until my party. fucking. sdfbdhgbdfjgd
and now, he just called me deary. YES. DEARY. REALLY? REALLY? how the fuck can i write my english paper when i am so flustered now!
so he texts me, asking if im still doing my english paper, and we chat about the paper, then i say im going to bed soon probably, and ill wake up early and finish it.
zac: that never works for me, i always end up running out of time, but i was going to ask if you wanted anyone to stay up with you while you write away? :)
who does that? thats such a sweet, boyfriend-ish thing to do. i swear im going to murder you.
and then i make my smileys backwards, and hes all like ‘sigh, you always have to be different! :P’ and then i get all retarded again because i think of ‘different’ as a really good compliment, i dont consider myself unique or an individual at all, so i go on explaining to him that im really not, and that not many people are, because all people are more or less the same. and he was all like, “haha chill oooooouuuttt its okay, deary, different is good, i knooow :) its a compliment!” so then i have to be all awkward and retarded again because now im even MORE flustered he called me deary, and i dont even know what i said but it was dumb, and now i cant even write my paper because ive been texting stupid beanstalk and before that i was reading shells blog cause i had to. xD
DAMMIT. IM SO SILLY.
11/16/10
cleaned and cleaned, which was annoying. alex came, and he ended up having to go buy speakers. he brought his friend adrian cause i said he could, and i was happy i did. although hes kind of awkward, i feel like he should have more friends, so im glad he was at my party. XD but he smelled bad. which was random. but yeah. so michelle actually came first, because alex was gone when she arrived! which was silly, i didnt know she was coming early. then hunter and kelsey and mally came, and so did christina and kent, all early! XD a ton of other people started arriving, and i had to stand outside and make sure no one parked on the grass. hunter was out there with me at first, but then beanstalk came and hunter made him stay instead, which i was okay with.
……………..
beanstalk had to leave at like 10, which made me sad. i was going down the stairs, and he was coming up when he told me, and we ended up talking on the stairs for about half an hour, because this started at like 9:30. and we were so close, and it was so dark, my heart was pounding because i was ready for him to kiss me. i knew it wasnt going to happen, but for some reason, some part of me wants to hope about him. i dont know why. everyone that came up or down was all like OOOOO, sorry i interrupted! and it was awkward, but i was like WHATEVER. and i was slightly annoyed that he didnt kiss me, like he was supposed to or something? i dont know how my mind works. and then i tried to prevent him from leaving. and sara helped me, and we like blocked the front door, and it was really funny. and he ended up pretty much hugging me, and god it was so wonderful. and his hands were all over my hands, because i was holding the door shut where he was trying to open it and just. man.
and he seriously flirts with me like everyday. i know this has nothing to do with my party, but yesterday after class he was pushing me in the hall, and i kept stopping and like running into him, and it was really silly and we were both all giggly and stuff. and im mad, because i always walk with him like all the way to his car, then i have to walk all the way back to my moms car, and its really all unnecessary, im not even dating him, i could just leave from english and go to moms car. BUT I DONT. I NEVER DO. GAHHH.
11/21/10
i dont even really wanna blog.
play was pretty good, christinas party was pretty LAME, but there were some cool people there, along with some NOT SO COOL people, but you know, it was k. kelsey and mally sleepover was also good, all we did was talk bad about people and tease mally cause she kissed ryan (: (: (:
seriously though, i hope this relationship lasts for ryan. if he hurts mally ima punch him.
i was texting beanstalk for like half the day yesterday, and that was really nice. i mean, i kind of really like him. ive just kind of let my emotions explode, but only a little, not all the way. because damn, i like him a lot. and i just. i dont know. i keep thinking of friday night and being enormously happy, but then ill think of any other time and just. it seems too good to be true. hes just too great.
today has been a weird day. i was happy and hyper at one point, and then sort of determined, because we might be losing people in the play and so i may have to take upon more roles, and so i was like YEAHHH I CAN DOOOO THISSS. and then, for some reason… i was really sad. i couldnt even act happy to my mom in the car, and all ive wanted to do is cry. just another one of those random sad periods of time that are caused by nothing. im so pathetic.
12/15/10
zac…
is lovely.
but i suppose i cant really see myself dating him anymore. oh, i would love to kiss him, but i dont think he really even wants to do physical stuff very much. well, hes a boy, so he probably does, but hes such a ‘good’ person, hed be one to suppress his urges.
so, i dont exactly have those feelings anymore for him, but i very much enjoy his company, and i enjoy flirting with him even more, because he flirts back. i am not under any false pretenses any longer; i know he doesnt like me. i just want to know why he held my hand and took me on a date. i want to ask him, but thats sorta awkward, and i dont want to completely scare him away. xD but ill probably ask him soon anyways, im an awkward person. eh, whatevs.
1/9/11
im just copying this from my tumbla. my secret tumbla. its awkward cause zac follows. sometimes i dont want him to. but thats kinda the point of a tumblr, right? so other people will see what you write. but i dont want them to see on my secret tumblr. i just like it because its pretty, and i can post pictures and music and stuff too. xD but whatever ! zac can just read it and think im a slut! lolololol
the next post is when you asked me out…. so yeah. i honestly forgot that i liked you that much, and how much you frustrated me. xD because i liked other people that whole time. but then when i found you were in love with libbie, i really stopped. XD i honestly thought i had stopped liking you.. wow, im a freak. (:
i like this new theme.
[ Posted Thu, 10 Feb 2011 00:00:00 ]
but i wish the info and the posts switched sides. im so used to my posts being on the right.. this is weird for me. i wanted something different from my main tumblr. i dont really know why. i really like that it shows the time/day. i hate going on someones tumblr and not knowing when they posted something. idk why. i just. it makes me happy when the date and time is there. x) im weird. maybe ill edit this to my liking, but i think ill leave it as simple as it is for now. i like that the only color is yellow. ♥
im a little tired. but i really dont want to wake up at like 10 and have to wait two hours. or worse, wake up earlier than 10. but 10 is usually when i wake up on the weekends and stuff. or, around 10… i dont want to do anything tomorrow, until i see zac. then i get to hang out with michelle! but only for like an hour, which is lame. maybe i can convince her to drive me home? but i really do have stuff to do. xD i just dont wanna do it. so im procrastinating.. oh wait! i have like all of friday. well like, no i dont. XD i wont get home till 6:30 or 7 what am i talking about. idk man. life.
i am still confused.
[ Posted Wed, 09 Feb 2011 23:44:45 ]
i still dont get it. is that odd?
sometimes
[ Posted Wed, 09 Feb 2011 23:02:00 ]
i look at things ive done, or things ive written. and im just like. what the fuck, was i high? like at the end of my math notebook, it says “Math (its underlined) is with numbers and shit” … and everytime i look at that im like. wtf. when did i write this? was i high? XD and then i just found a playlist on my itunes that i have no recollection of making. so i named it LULWAT. cause i dont ever remember doing that?. xD i really do some retarded things when im high… hahaa. i mean. neither of those is really that bad but im still just like.. wat ?! haa.
ah wunt droogz/ . ahm bord und nut gooeng tew skool tewmurow. boooorrrddd. und feeleng nut graet. muurrrrrpp.
on the other hand, everytime i see a picture of a couple being cute on my dashboard i want to reblog it. xD BECAUSE IT MAKES ME THINK OF YOU. CAUSE IM CHEESY
FUCKING
[ Posted Wed, 09 Feb 2011 22:06:27 ]
SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED. AT MY FUCKING SELF./ BECAUSE IM SUCH A FUCKIGN GODDAMN PROCRASTINATOR. MAYBE IF I HADVE SEARCHED FOR THE FUCKING DISTRICT TRACKS EARLIER, THE LINK WOULD HAVE BEEN WORKING. BUT NOW ITS NOT, AND IM NOT GOING TO KNOW MY MUSIC BECAUSE IM AN IDIOT. FUCK. AND THEN IM FUCKING PATHETIC AND DO FUCKING NOTHING ALL DAY, WHEN I HAVE SO MUCH I COULD DO. FUCKKKKKKKKKKK. AND I SIT HERE, AND COMPLAIN ABOUT MYSELF ALL DAY LONG AND COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW I DO NOTHING, AND THATS EXACTLY WHAT I DO TO FIX IT. NOTHING. I SAY IM UNHAPPY WITH MYSELF BUT I DONT TRY TO FIX IT. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. jfncskdjfbashbcksfbsvjksnvjkgnvdnvusdbfyhsdbfhsgdFUCKNOTGIVINGAFUCKGODDAMMIT WHAT THE HELL DO I DO. I DONT KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO, BUT I SURE KNOW WHAT IM GOING TO DO. NOTHING. IM FUCKING AWESOME. GODDAMMIT.
just saw a gif
[ Posted Wed, 09 Feb 2011 17:05:01 ]
of two people having butt secks. dat some nasty shit.
so. my sister was like sobbing because she has a 4.17 gpa and shes 42 in her class. my mom actually thought it was funny, although she wouldnt laugh until ena was gone. she was like. honestly, this child is crying about something that is wonderful. i feel bad that something like that bothers her so much. its because of my dad. its because of him. i escaped from caring, and i dont know why or how. its like ena just wants to prove that shes better, but she cant. maybe she tries harder, maybe she has more motivation. but im more intelligent. xD thats really mean. how does one even measure intelligence? i dont know. its just something i know. i told her today that grades dont measure intelligence and she was all like yeah they do. i was like.. youre retarded. xD its all because of him, its all because of my dad. and i feel bad for her. i dont understand why she has to be better than me. maybe because she actually tries and she actually does stuff like tennis everyday. although i do theatre everyday. but still. maybe shes jealous because i have friends and boyfriends. i want to know, i want to know how she feels and why. i want to know why this stupid shit is so important to her. she isnt dumb, but her grade is smarter than mine. my grade is fucking retarded, thats why im 28. we have the same gpas. i have a 4.17 too. and i bet her unweighted is more than mine, because most of my classes are weighted but i get Bs and she gets all As. whatever. grades are retarded. xD
i just wish i could do something for her. oh well.
i think ill go upstairs and do nothing. xD its wonderful, really. im very happy about the prospect of tomorrow. even if it wont be for very long. it still sounds wonderful to me. (: the idea of skipping school and seeing my man sounds great. xP i should do stuff today. like my math ia. like learn my music for districts. like practice my audition and sight singing. like write my hamlet commentary. OHWELL! maybe some of it will get done! but who knows.
YES.
[ Posted Tue, 08 Feb 2011 20:02:00 ]
I KNOW WHAT IM DOING FOR VALENTINES DAY. AND ITS LAME AND STUPID BUT NOW I HAVE SOMETHING. WOOOOOOOO. also wish i hadve thought of another thing earlier, cause now i have no time. OH WELL. HEHEHEHEHEH. IM SO CHEESY. :D im also going to be really obnoxious. AND MAKE SO MANY OBNOXIOUS THINGS. I HATE VALENTINES DAY BUT AT LEAST I CAN MAKE IT FUN BY BEING ANNOYING. WOOOOO LIFE
Tagged with: (:
why
[ Posted Tue, 08 Feb 2011 05:44:25 ]
does so much bother me? im so tired, i want to go to sleep forever. there is so much i dont feel like doing. i wonder how my mind works. i wish my life was an ib book so someone could analyze it and tell me what it all means, because i sure dont know. i am clueless. why do i do what i do? why do i think what i think? all of my actions and thoughts have to be driven by something, but what? what makes me feel this way, do these things? goddammit.
FAIL
[ Posted Mon, 07 Feb 2011 21:48:26 ]
WHY THE FUCK DO I PROCRASTINATE SO MUCH . I HAVE A MILLION THINGS TO DO AND IM SUPER TIRED AND ALL I WANNA DO IS GET IN YOUR BED.
four in the morning.
[ Posted Mon, 07 Feb 2011 18:53:43 ]
you know, i wouldnt really consider myself as having freedom. even though i am 18. if i do anything they really dont like, they could say they werent paying for college. even though i know they wont do that, because they want me to have an education, its really scary. xD because they could do that. and im scared. cause i wanna go to college, haaa. my parents act like 18 is just another number, i have not gotten anymore freedom than i already had. i dont even think i have that much freedom, although i do have a bit more than you. ive always felt everyone always got to do so much more than me, because i wasnt allowed to do anything. i hate feeling left out. its the worst when everyone i know has super fun sleepovers that i cant go to because im a girl. i feel like i missed a big experience there, even though most people may not consider that very important. its something ive always desperately wished i was allowed to do. its not fair that everyone else gets to have fun, without me. god, im so whiny.
still, im used to not having freedom. even though its frustrating. so its okay that neither of us really have it. i dont mind. just being with you is exciting enough… yeah, i cant wait until the summer when we can really do whatever the fuck we want but. im content with this.
on another fairly unrelated note, ive been having my ‘i dont care about anything’ crisis again. right now i dont care that i dont care, but i was really upset the other night. its upsetting when i know i wont be able to care enough about someone that deserves it. im bothered by myself, and i wont ever not be. right now though, im all confused again. and i dont know whats important. i think its also because of math class; thats a big factor. math used to be really important to me. and now i dont know what i have? i love singing, but i hate chorus class. i love theatre, but i dont like mrs facemire or many people in theatre. there are always going to be conflicts with things i like, but how do i fix this? the biggest issue is with math class, and its really something i cant get over. its not just that i dislike the teacher. that is not the issue. its that she has no fucking idea what shes doing. she isnt brilliant like mr shenk, she isnt even close, its like an insult to have her replace him. everyone despises her class, and we all used to love math class. i dont know what to do. i cant care. i try to care enough about singing, i try to practice sight singing, but i end up dgaf-ing about that too. i cant think of theatre as something important to me, its really just something i like to do, and something i like to do so i dont have to go home after school.
yeah, sure, i guess my familys important to me. but its not like i do anything for them. i cant do anything for my dad, he makes me so frustrated that my mind just blocks me from doing anything he wishes. its like this automatic reflex. and its sad, because i know he means well and hes a good father. i just. i cant do it. and i cant care like he wants me to. i cant think things are important that he wants me to think are important. fuck, he just came in here and told me to go paint. really? really? why the fuck do you have to do this, i have tried so many fucking times to explain my feelings to you, these feelings of frustration that i cant escape, and this need to rebel against your wishes. stop. stop stop stop. stop telling me what to do. i dont want to be here. im such a fucking brat.
and then its like. michelle and zac. and jessica, and some scattered other people. its probably not fair that hes put so high, when ive known others so much longer. but i cant help it. i cant help my feelings. i just really, really, really hope they dont change. because if i continue to follow my previous patterns, they will. and i dont really understand why. theres no reasoning to it really. i was just done, out of nowhere, with no warning. im scared. but im trying not to think about it, because i dont want to. and im perfectly content right now, and so is he. and thats all that matters. i enjoy focusing on making someone happy. it fixes my sadness too.
everything i do is just a distraction, and i care about basically none of it. so what the fuck is important to me, besides a handful of people? what do i do? i dont fucking know. im gonna go do homework, and distract myself. i think thats the only reason i ever actually do homework. one, because i always have and it would be weird if i just stopped and its usually not difficult. two, because its such a good distraction. LIFE
(:
[ Posted Sat, 05 Feb 2011 22:54:00 ]
(:
i dont even have anything to say right now. x)
Tagged with: (:
FUCKYEAHZACCARROLL
[ Posted Fri, 04 Feb 2011 18:56:00 ]
i just thought that sounded cool.
and youre super adorable. JUST SAYING.
Tagged with: (:
WANNA
[ Posted Fri, 04 Feb 2011 01:04:00 ]
HAVE SLEEPOVER NAO. WHYD YOU HAVE TO GO AND SUGGEST THAT. YOU SUCK YOURE LOVELY. NOW IM GOING TO BE THINKING ABOUT IT UNTIL IT HAPPENS WHICH WONT BE FOR A LONG TIME.
I WANT YOU.
I. AM. RETARDED. AND I. NEED. SLEEP. BEFORE. I . EXPLODE. CAUSE IM GONNA. NO. MORE. CAFFEINE. EVER. EVER.EVER. EVER. ………………………unless im high.
LIIIIFFFFFFEEEEEEE
my head. it doesnt know what to do. XD SO MUCH CONFUSION
Tagged with: (:
rush
[ Posted Fri, 04 Feb 2011 00:25:00 ]
i have a headache. but i had to drink something with a lot of caffeine, because i was so fucking tempted to lay in bed happily, and dream of the possibilities. ive lost my motivation; he went to bed. i guess im so distracted because i missed this. well, this is different than ever, but its always going to be different… no, im distracted because i didnt think it would happen like this, if it happened at all. and i cant stop thinking about it, how incredulous it all is. i almost think im dreaming. but my dreams make even less sense than this does, although this doesnt make a whole lot of sense either.
i cant continually do something without distraction. but there is no distraction at the moment, so i must distract myself.
i know, i must marry someone who cannot sleep at night. i dont think i could do this forever. i cant be alone at night forever. and i dont blame you, because no one i know stays up late like i do. i dont expect any different from you. i dont expect anyone to give up their health so i wont be lonely. XD especially if they arent with me. however, when you do sleepover (because it will fucking happen), you cant go to sleep before me. you just cant. :P i wont let you. ill be really fucking annoying, and youll regret ever wanting to have a sleepover with me. ahahaa.
i think i may seriously have to wake up early. but i dont want to do that either. although my brain may be working better then.. the prospect sounds disgusting. and i always try to, and then end up sleeping because i decide i dont care and ill just get a 0 on homework. xD
you know, the best solution would be hurry up and get over it, but i cant seem to do that. even when its already the next day, i continue to procrastinate. i have problems. why dont i realize this is bad, and i cant keep doing things like this in college? ah well. ill learn, one day.
i just want to dream.
i almost feel like. this isnt right…. and i shouldnt feel this way. and you shouldnt feel this way. its only been a week. but then i think, its really been three months. i think it counts. so then i dont feel bad. and i think its perfectly normal. since those three months should count, right? fuck man, im so tired im delusional, i keep thinking that im making all this up . that none of this is real. but it is. and thats why its so fucking great. because im like. what if im just insane, and this is all in my mind? xD hahaa im so retarded. maybe this is what caffeine does to me. no more. NO MORE.
je ne suis pas un tricheur.
[ Posted Wed, 02 Feb 2011 19:47:00 ]
im glad we can handle things like mature adults, and dgaf. although honestly, it made me feel better when i told jayson and he said ‘britini french is a little cunt anyways so its ok…’ i almost feared that he would think what she said was true, but he didnt doubt me for one second. cunt is also my favorite insult; in my mind its the worst, the nastiest. its pitiful that someone else has to name-call for me to feel better. oh humans, we are the best… putting people down makes us feel better, of course. at least i realize this, and it rarely happens but this is a special case. if someone hates me and has a legitimate reason, i respect their hatred. i am a bitch, i could be easily hated if i did something terrible to someone without reason, or with reason, even. but i have done nothing to this cunt, and if she thinks it is possible for her to start shit, boy is she wrong. if the things you were saying about me were true, it wouldnt matter. i just wanted you to know, you cant beat me. your strategy is illogical and tactless. its not a competition, i know its not. that isnt what i mean. let me rephrase this… you cant beat us. youre just a jealous little immature cunt, and no one is going to believe you. i am not insecure, as it seems you are. i have faith, i know that you cannot succeed at what you are trying to do. i have no worries, because i am not a dirty little cunt, like you. i am simply an honest little bitch.
english was great today, it was like perfect timing to have a movie-watching class. the whole day i just wanted to snuggle, and holding hands and being silly is close enough. i could care less that other people were there, they mad cause they aint got no man. hahahaa XD goddammit. i really like you. fack. WL2 paper time. SWEET I GOT A D ON MY MATH EXAM. -.- fucking bitch. whatever. its because i dont give a fuck. xD ahahaaa. LIFE. is good.
Tagged with: (:
theft.
[ Posted Tue, 01 Feb 2011 19:16:00 ]
it was only much later saturday night that i realized, i am a watch stealer. but only from boyfriends. omar gave me his orange watch. orange is his favorite color. i never gave it back, i threw it somewhere in my house when i was annoyed at him, and my mom retrieved it but kept it away from me. jayson gave me his black watch with the fire in the background that showed the seconds. everyone thought it was awesome. i gave it back to him when we were over, but he tried to give it back to me a few days later, saying it was mine. i wouldnt take it. and now, i accidentally took zac’s watch, although there is no way i am keeping it, so do not fear. it looks better on you, anyways. (: but i just realized, what a curiously odd thing to steal from boyfriends continually. its a good thing my life isnt an IB english book, or else this would MEAN something. yet it doesnt. and if i tried to analyze it, i would convince myself that whatever crazy reason i thought of for stealing watches would be true. when really, i just like to know what time it is, and theres something wonderful about having your significant other’s belongings so extremely close to you.
however, i do keep shirts. i wont keep nice watches, but i will keep shirts. i have one or more shirts from every significant boyfriend i have ever had. they still come in handy even after i say goodbye to the boy… i used to wear hunter’s plain white t’s shirt for gym, because it was comfortable and it was grey but had colorful things all over it, so i could still be colorful for gym. i would wear omar’s egypt shirt when i went into the woods and smoked, so if anyone smelled it i could say it was omar’s, and i never wore it, and he must have smoked in it. i never touched his invader zim shirt though. i sometimes wore jayson’s captain america shirt to bed, even after we broke up, just because it was so comfortable. i dont give things back, unless they were expensive or mean something special. xD i feel slightly bad about never seeing nick again to give him his shirt but THATS HIS OWN FAULT. im also annoyed because i wore it in nearly every awesome picture becca took of me that one day, and i would just feel too bad if i put one of them as my profile picture. i dont want to be wearing some other boys shirt if its not my boyfriends. id feel gross. even if zac wouldnt care. i would.
im happy. strawberry fields forever.
and you know. honestly, its okay. im assuming you believed me, but i feel like elaborating. all, or most, boys like to do that. xD it doesnt matter that i cant understand it. im used to it. it doesnt bother me one bit. really, youd know if it did. i would stop you. do not fear! seriously, do whatever you feel like doing. try something new. im open-minded. i want you to feel good. i want to be the thing that makes you feel good. you are so silly, but it is so sweet of you to ask if it was too far, too much (i dont think anyone ever has.. hahaa). but i can tell you now, it probably wont ever be. XD
so glad no one else i actually know follows this. im cold. brrrr. jeez, im so lazy. i should start one of my projects/papers. but i dont wanna. im realllly tired. i dont wanna do anything. but i do wanna lay down. but i dont, because thats boring. ah fuck.
Tagged with: (:
Holy Fuck I Want a Pet Sloth
[ Posted Tue, 01 Feb 2011 18:38:00 ]
patrickcannotintologic:
W'ed just chill out and smoke weed all day doin sloth stuff.
this is why i love patrick
Tagged with: (:
home.
[ Posted Mon, 31 Jan 2011 16:48:00 ]
god, this is why i hate being home. and they always ask me why. who wants to come home from having fun and being with people you like being with, if people at home are just going to yell at you and make you feel like shit. even when you know you wont feel like shit in like an hour. even when you were JUST FUCKING DOING SOMETHING TO MAKE THEM HAPPY. why am i never enough? its not like im going to change anytime soon, and even if i did, i still wouldnt be enough. you ask the impossible from me, and i dont appreciate it. its not like its making me try harder or something. its making me frustrated, its making me upset, its making me rebellious. im not going to want to do anything for you if you are just going to yell at me. thats how you feel too, you know? if i yell at you, you dont want to take me anywhere, you dont want to do anything for me. how the fuck do you think i feel? stop being power hungry hypocrites.
i wonder how im going to do this. i wonder everyday, because ive never seen any place very good. ive never seen any parents create a good balance with their children. how am i not going to fuck up? the thought depresses me. the one thing that ive always wanted, i already know im going to fuck up . because everyone fucks up. no one knows how to do it right. theres always going to be problems. but i feel like, if you live with someone long enough, shouldnt you know how they are going to act depending on how you act? dont you understand, dont you know by now, that if you tell me to do something, it makes it so much harder for me to do it? dont you know, that i wont do it anymore, dont you know that i wont try to please you if you try to command me? honestly, ive been doing it all my life. you should have learned by now, and tried a new tactic to make me do what you want. all you do is complain, but its always about your family. what are they doing thats so wrong? are we not enough for you? do you think were a waste too? do you think, how is this fair, that ive been so successful, that ive been able to make so much money, and yet all i have are lazy failures around me that im not proud of? i feel like you have secrets. and i dont want to know what they are. i think i already know a few.
i lose motivation too easily. i wish i could say i was sorry. im trying to repay you for your kindness to me, for your willing to do things for me. and you arent letting me, because you are making me forget what you do for me. youre making me think about all the negative things about being home, and none of the positive ones. im trying, im trying not to fall into this. but its so difficult not to, its so difficult when you rarely say positive things to me, or anyone else here. i dont like being complimented. i really dont. only sometimes, only from certain people, and still, too much and i dont know what to do. but i feel like i deserve some compliments from you, i want to blame my extremely low self esteem on you, i want to blame my self hatred on you, i want to say its your fault, because its you who makes me feel like a failure. but thats unfair, i probably could have prevented it. but its too late now, i already have this mind set, i dont think it will change. and you wonder why i think this way, you wonder why i worry, you wonder why i always believe i am going to fail. well, its because i always do fail. i can never meet your expectations, i apologize for not being fucking spectacular.
whatever, im done. hurry up, night. i am tired of the evening already.
tirruddd
[ Posted Mon, 31 Jan 2011 15:41:00 ]
life is nice. my projects/papers keep getting pushed back, so i dont have to do anything. i dont want to go back to school, i got used to not doing anything. XD rehearsal was cancelled today, thank goodness because my legs hurt so much i look like an old person when i walk. plus i didnt wanna see anyone there, im tired. and i wanted to take a shower. i had fun with michelle and mally, last night we were on halo and we just trolled everyone. but no one understands that were trolling, they think we are serious. its so funny XD wed be really obnoxious and tell everyone we were boys and some people couldnt tell if we were or what. it was so funny. xD shell and i kept betraying everyone this one game; we wanted to see how long it would take them to boot us. we are the kids who everyone hates. its so fucking funny ahaha. we tried to teach mally to play halo but she suckedd. and the whole time we were looking forward to the next day, cause we were gonna SMOKE MALLY UP, and michelle and i have this thing where we really like smoking people up for their first time, its just fun. and mally was excited. (: i always have a good sleepover with michelle, even though we just do dumb things. XD hahaa. LIKE WATCH STUPID FEARNET MOVIES.
and so we did today, and it was really funny. xD and we just acted retarded then i went home and like died. and im really mad because ena broke my ipod player, and my dad already had to fix it once so hes going to be all mad.. im not letting her fucking use it anymore. i had to put FOUR batteries in it because i really wanted to listen to the beatles while taking a shower. such a waste. man. and now i just hurt and i just want to lay down, but that would mess up my hair. xD and it actually looks good for like once. but i bet in a few hours, it will just look stupid, and ill be all mad again. xD idk what to do. i hate just waiting. and its not like i can start on one of my projects because i hate stopping things like that in the middle. because then ill forget where my train of thought was going, and everything will end up retarded. mah neck hurtss. but im excited! today has just been exciting ! wooooooo!!
Tagged with: (:
MAYN.
[ Posted Fri, 28 Jan 2011 22:04:17 ]
boys can sleepover at the twins party. theres no way my mom can really know, because michelle is taking me and taking me back to/from this party. its annoying, because i dont even want boys to sleepover. xD its just going to be like. hunter. and darius. or something. and im just gonna be like. fuck you hunter, i want zac. xD but ah well.
and jessica wants me to bring weed and wed stay up later than everyone else. but thats not fair man, she always smokes my weed. xD and i only have dank, and thats expensive shit. i only like sharing with michelle, because michelle deserves it, because michelle shares back all the time. im so not a good hippie. xD but seriously, if i had more moneys, or if i grew the stuff, id share with everyone. but its difficult to smuggle money for this sort of thing, and i dont want to run too low too quickly. im hoping drew will bring some or something, and lauren will share. idk. i dont want to bring mine… -.- but then i feel like a dbag? i will discuss with michelle tomorrow, before i head over to her house. i love michelle.
maybe this will be your chance to redeem yourself, zac. michelle is going to be at jessicas party (obviously), so maybe if you show her youre a good guy, shell change her mind. xD but maybe not. hahahaa. i called her to tell her you asked me out and her response was “i still dont like him.” XD ahahahahaa. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 youre awesome, its k. and your head is lovely. yehhh
I THINK LIFE IS AWESOME (:
[ Posted Fri, 28 Jan 2011 21:03:00 ]
Tagged with: (:
wwoooaaa.
[ Posted Fri, 28 Jan 2011 13:29:09 ]
three posts in a row that werent text posts! crazy. its probably because.. well, i have nothing to really rant about right now. xD i never seem to write as much when im in a good mood. i cant complain, if im perfectly content. now i have things to look forward to. when i was taking that shitty math exam, i just thought. its k. later today i shall be happy, therefore, i can endure this dumb exam. dude, even though im not good at exams, i never thought i did that badly in mr. shenk’s class. you know how i know i dont care anymore? because i dont cry. im so serious, i used to cry during nearly every single math test last year. i was so upset when i couldnt figure out the thing that i loved to do, id just cry. i couldnt help it. becca would do it sometimes too. i dont think ive cried once during a math test this year. maybe at the beginning, but i have no memory of it. and its because i just dont give a fuck. that makes me sad, i wish i still cared. it will get better in college, i keep telling myself that. i know it will. if only we still had mr. shenk! if only he knew how much of a difference he makes. but its okay, im okay, because now i have things to look forward to.
don't think, don't talk
[ Posted Thu, 27 Jan 2011 22:30:00 ]
thought today was gonna suck. i did nothing for a long time. i decided because nothing was going to be happening for awhile, id smoke. i thought it was really funny, because when i was packing it, ena was talking to me outside my bathroom. xD i went downstairs right after, and i was like dancing. and ena asked me why i was so happy. hahaa. i just thought it was funny, because apparently im not usually happy (im not). but we were having grilled cheese and tomato soup and i knew it was going to be SUPER delicious, and it WAS. and then i started making this really yummy noodle stuff, and ena was like FATTTTT. which i also thought was hilarious. then i went upstairs and started watching how to train your dragon, and i felt like my life was awesome. i love that movie a whole lot? and i always seem to want to watch it when im high. xD ahahaa. then i went upstairs and played halo with michelle, and she said she still doesnt like zac, because he hadnt come over my house.
but then he was all like derp, i can come over now and i was like LOL K BAI MICHELLE. and she was like, hes stupid. xD so then he came over, and it was pretty sweet, so my day was pretty awesome, although im really confused. we knocked the trash can over, wtf! WOOOOOOOOOOOO SOFT BOY
Tagged with: (:
one hundred percent.
[ Posted Thu, 27 Jan 2011 13:18:05 ]
im never sure. never ever. of anything. even if i should know that im right, even if i should know that something is true. theres still something in my mind that says it isnt, says it cant be. thats why i never bet. even if i know the outcome, something tells me no, maybe not. im terrified. scared, because i dont know. because i never know, because i want to know, but i cannot. people dont help. i can never be sure anymore, because they arent either. no one ever follows my plans as they say they will. i have no control, over anything. do i want control? not really. i just want to know. i want to know, i want to be sure. why is this so impossible for me? plenty of other people are always sure, or is that just a facade? do they really have doubts, endless doubts, but pretend that they dont? ill never know, because nobody is entirely truthful. and therefore, i am terrified. i believe ill never stop feeling this way. and although i know this, ill continue to wish. wish wish wish. my wishes are fairly useless, they never come true. why am i so negative? i wish i could stop. but i dont know what to do. im never sure.
all you need is love
[ Posted Thu, 27 Jan 2011 00:02:14 ]
definitely almost clicked ‘like’ on a facebook comment by eryn saying ‘i was fatter’. im a bitch! haaa.
its annoying that my mom is making me go to bed. i dont have school tomorrow.. xD DIS IS DUMB. good thing i never really started studying for math, haaa. i wonder if this means shes pushing back the IA? i hope so. i want time to do my WL2 and french. although, now that i think about it, neither of them really matter much to me.
im scared because of my r-mc scholarship. i only keep getting it if i maintain a 3.0 in college. ive never had anything close to that before (probably only because of all the weighted classes i take), but its still scary. what if there is a class that is actually challenging to me? what if my grades start to fall, and i dont get that extra money? im scared scared scared. i dont know why i didnt assume this before.. yesterday, i got a letter from r-mc saying that i got the extra 2,500 dollars each year, and it also said to keep all of my scholarships id need a 3.0 or higher the whole time. and then i was like AW SHIT. meehh.
well, time for me to go upstairs now. i really wonder what day will be makeup for the exams; they cant do monday because thats senior trip day? hmmmm.
strawberries.
[ Posted Wed, 26 Jan 2011 21:41:35 ]
today was fairly uneventful… not terrible though. i had to go back to school and be at rehearsal.. i only dont want to go anymore, because i dont like anyone there, besides like. jessica. and shelby. and a few others are okay. bleh.
ive been tired all day, its annoying. i got plenty of sleep, maybe i got too much? except that i even fell asleep when i came home from play practice, which is REALLY weird because ive never been able to nap.
dont wanna have a math exam. dont wanna have to do another math IA. dont wanna do world lit two paper. dont wanna do french project. i am a whiny, lazy child. xD
but its alright, i know it will all be k. think ill do my WL2 sunday, and french monday. my IA is going to take fucking forever, this bitch, giving it to us when i have all this other stuff due. my own fault though, i should have already done WL2. ah well. fack this.
life doesnt suck. xD im clearly in a better mood than normal. i actually have things to look forward to now, woo! still dont wanna study for math though. xD still would rather be upstairs eating frozen pizza rolls and reading harry potter. i think im starting to feel like watching anime again, i hope so, i sorta miss it. i wonder whats going to happen. im excited to find out, though. :D
STOMACH
[ Posted Mon, 24 Jan 2011 22:19:00 ]
STOP IT. I DEMAND YOU.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WHYS IT SO COLD OUTSIDE. IT NEEDS TO STOP THAT. STOP THAT, WEATHER.
YOU KNOW WHAT. I JUST REMEMBERED. YOUR FACIAL HAIR IS INVISIBLE. YOU KNOW HOW AWESOME THAT IS?! SUPER AWESOME. CAUSE I DONT LIKE FACIAL HAIR. BWAHHHHHHHHHHHH.
DONT WANNA DO FRENCH. OR IOC. BUT I NEED TO RUN THROUGH THE SUMMARIES OF EACH BOOK/PLAY. BUT I DONT FEEL LIKE IT.
THERES AN EGGPLANT NAMED AFTER ME.
SO COOL AM I.
CAPITALS MAKE THINGS MORE INTERESTING. URGENT. EXCITING. WHATEVER. XD
I MUST HAVE BITTEN MY TONGUE EARLIER, BUT I WONDER WHEN CAUSE I DONT REMEMBER.
AHHHHH MY PHONE HAS LOW BATTERIES. THAT MEANS I MUST GO UPSTAIRS. BUT I LIKE LISTENING TO THIS SONG. ITS NOT ON MY IPOD. I SHOULD GET IT THERE. WAT. ITS NOT ON PIRATE BAY. THIS NEVER HAPPENS. WHAT SHALL I DO. AH.
I DIDNT MEAN TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS BECCA, I LIKE YOU. IM SORRY IM HAPPY. YOU DESERVE SOMEONE MORE THAN I DO!
man. i need to chill out. no wonder i cant sleep at night! WA.
Tagged with: (:
freedom
[ Posted Mon, 24 Jan 2011 16:36:00 ]
not fair, not fair. yes yes, im a child, i dont understand. life is of course not fair, silly me, i know nothing because i am not really an adult. how did you all feel when you were teenagers, when you were children?
this is one of the reasons i started writing in a journal. i remember, when i was so young, in fifth grade. and i wrote in a journal how i felt, and it wasnt extremely happy, except it was pretty whiny too, what do you expect from a child. although back then, i thought fifth grade meant you were so old. i kept writing, until i stumbled across the idea of a blog. i continued to write in a journal at night, but also typed up a few thoughts on my then public blog (which, thank goodness, nobody read). i eventually sent omar the URL and let him read it too. when we broke up, i left it public for awhile, and then made it private. i started writing a lot more in it, and i allowed hunter m and michelle (and sam) to read it too. i remember, one of my constant ideas was how i was going to read this blog, or pick up one of my journals, when i was older. and i would see how i felt as a child, as a teenager, and hopefully know what to do with my kids from there.
what do i know, because im not an adult, im not a parent yet, right? but i believe one of the things parents do wrong, is trying to make sure their kids dont do the same bad things they did. look at my parents. they obviously dont have fucked up lives, they were pretty damn successful in my opinion. they did ‘bad’ things. im sure my dad tried drugs, he was the rich popular kid. im sure he messed around with girls alot too, for the same reasons. also, i read his yearbooks in the attic once. xD he says he lost his virginity at 18, i bet it was earlier. my mom had hippies for brothers. there was no way she didnt at least try something. they were poor, what else could she do. her first marriage was fucked up, but since she never really wanted me to know about it (my cousin told me), ill stop there. my dad partied in college, i know he did.
so how is this fair? dont try to keep me from not making your mistakes. let me make my own goddamn mistakes. i cant learn if i never fuck up, right? why not let me have fun while i still can, why not let us have fun while we are still young? why not let us be kids? im not saying to not give a fuck. and act like you dont care what we do, you dont care if we get hurt you dont care if we fuck up. im not sure how to go on about this, because its difficult… in my opinion, parents get too full of themselves with the whole ‘control’ thing. how would you like to be told what to do, how to live? yeah yeah, thats life. yeah yeah, youll always have someone to tell you what to do. so why not let us be free now? why are you not letting us have freedom now, when you know we wont have freedom in the future?
fuck this. i dont even know what i want, i dont even know what im asking for. im just an upset teenager. a whiny brat. one who gets mad when she doesnt get her way. at least i realize what i am. dammit. except that i dont really. WHO AM I. WHAT IS A MAN. lololol.
i have a headache, and im sore as fuck. but i dont even care. today wasnt terrible, it wasnt wasted. french was whatevers, i did well on my speaking. then we did nothing for the rest of class, so i listened to becca talk about mean girls 2 and be jealous of me. xP also, at least i am not alone in wanting to destroy mrs rittenhouse. although i know everyone in the class hates her, its nice to have a chat about her with philip when we are supposed to be doing exam review. he feels the same as me, except that he actually acts like he doesnt care. his grades are not very good in that class anymore. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING I HAVE AN 84.2 DAT BITCH. good thing i have my trusty homework passes. if i didnt, id murder someone. forreal. government was lame, i read hamlet but then i had nothing to do but think, and so my stomach went all WTF again. then i asked her if i could go to art to see michelle, and that was pretty awesome. shell is doing this charcoal thing of me in saran wrap, and its epic. im hanging it on my wall when shes done. :D its really creepy, i love her. english was.. well. you know. (:
imnafallovr/
[ Posted Sun, 23 Jan 2011 19:14:00 ]
so tired. why i love soccer. i go to sleep at night if i play it. because im tired. especially today, two soccer games, ohemgee.
i love coming to the sidelines when jesse is there, because him and his mom always call me the torinator, and say silly things like that. at one point in the second game i wanted to murder myself, i couldnt stop thinking about how terrible i was playing, and when i was substituted out i almost cried. nick asked me if i was okay, and of course i said yeah. im not gonna be like, no, im a fucking emotional girl and i hate myself, im the worst on the team, mehhh woe is me. im really not that bad, all the adults tell my mom im awesome. and the other team is always confused when they worriedly apologize and i brush it off like it was nothing. because it is nothing, because im the one making myself fall, not them. xD i make them and myself fall, and they always apologize. and i knocked down this one guy, and HE got fouled for it. it was hilarious, it should have been my foul. and nick was on the sideline and he stood up and was yelling and stuff, but he was just being silly. my mom thought it was hilarious, she told the adults that he was like my brother and he was watching out for me, cause he is. except i think he knew it was my fault ahaa. that was in the first game though.
second game i kicked the ball and hit some guy in the balls, he instantly fell and stayed there and i ran up to him and i was like OMG IM SO SORRY, and i kept saying that, and i was like i didnt mean to! and everyone was laughing. xD
we were better than the first team. we should have won, but their goalie was fucking AWESOME. like, he was a genius. ive never seen such a good indoor goalie. man was he good. but without him, we would have beat them. they are one of the harder teams weve played but.. we still would have won if they didnt have such a beast keeper.
second team there was no chance. these guys were MAGIC with their footwork. im really jealous. i did get the ball from some of them, i knocked some down and they apologized to me, i know the drill. xD ITS K MAN, NO PROBLEM, NO WORRIES. i was angry at myself, and at ena because she kept yelling at me? and it wasnt just me. they were a good fucking team. i screamed at her to shut up in the second half, and then she didnt say anything after that. i was just mad because i always clap when she saves a goal? i never blame her for missing a goal, but she blames me when they score. not my fault, bro. i stopped plenty. BUT WHATEVS.
so tired. think ill go upstairs. only thing i have to do is memorize my french thing, cause i forgot it already. but i dont wannnna. meh. my stomach has hurt all day, and its really bothersome. ): only time it didnt hurt was when i was playing, i was too distracted. gonna fall overrr. tireddd
note to zac: different nick? i feel like thats obvious, but im just stating it. its a U18 team (under 18). just didnt want you to worry.. haa. this nick goes to patrick henry. and hes in my sisters grade. wat.
Tagged with: (:
bubbly.
[ Posted Sun, 23 Jan 2011 01:35:00 ]
you know, i probably couldnt tell you off more because i was just happy. XD maybe i should have some more self respect, maybe i should object to the fact that i was merely a second choice. but i dont care. xD hahaa. it was more of a problem with other boys… but whatevers. dgafdgafdgaf. for once, id like to focus more on the positive aspects.
i had two feelings whenever i posted things on here about other boys. one, i wanted you to feel jealous. two, i felt bad, and i didnt want you to feel jealous (even if i thought you didnt like me), or think i was a ho. xD
I HAVE A HEADACHE. AND I DONT LIKE IT.
but i obviously never cared anyways, cause i just posted stuff. lolololol. plus. if you ever did decide to like me, id want you to really like ME. although that applies to anyone that i want to like me. although my approach generally doesnt work, because im obnoxious and depressing. :P yet you still like me, even after reading all of my depressing, obnoxious, pointless posts. i applaud you. thats another reason i cant tell you off. its so ridiculous that you like me. xD i can see why some other guys decide not to like me, but they wouldnt even know half the shit you know about me from this blog. buts its awesome, its great. XD
between the time that i knew you loved libbie and before today, i just decided not to like you again, even if you acted like you liked me, unless you confessed that you did like me. i decided that i could just deal with it, and i could definitely manage you flirting with me because i like flirting with you, so id just do it back, even if i knew it wouldnt lead to anything. xD
you know. the only reason i was ever crazy and hyper in english was because of you. i was just so bubbly and i had so much energy, i would just go crazy. same for when i visit you during art. you think im crazy and hyper all the time, but im really not. xD i am sometimes, when im in a generally good mood, or its just random… but usually, its just when im around you. i cant help it.
you pissed me off so much with your response to my question of hand holding. xD i was telling people about it for weeks. i couldnt help it. you said ‘I KNEW YOUD LET ME’, and i just thought it was hilarious.. like i was letting you take advantage of me, except it was just holding a hand! and you know, id definitely let someone hold my hand even if i didnt like them. xD so it made me really mad when you said i still liked you and you knew because i let you hold my hand! and you said i didnt need to cover up my emotions! when i said id stop liking you, i really did stop liking you. i probably starting liking three or four other people that worked at KD the next day (speak of the devil, one just started chatting with me on facebook). well, i started liking one of them, i know that for sure, but the other two came soon after. too bad they all lived far away, or i might have said something to them. well actually i did say something to one of them, but he said he didnt do relationships and i was like cool, and then we were just friends. xD BUT THATS NOT THE POINT (but what is?). when you asked me to the movies i thought maybe you had a change of heart, and hey, hes a great guy i thought, and so i liked you again. then when you ignored me again i was like LOL NOPE. and started liking other people again. hahaa. and wanted you to be with who you liked, because it made sense to me that i would never work. still couldnt help thinking you were cute though. or enjoying your company, or having a conversation with you. for some reason, lately, youre one of the only guys i can actually have a conversation with. anyone else i have nothing to say to, even if i am attracted to them (nick).
and you dont have to worry about him, honestly. im glad he didnt want to hang out with me today, and im excited to tell him that i wont be seeing him for a long time! hope he wishes he hadve hung out with me that one sunday now! >D i was getting tired of him constantly calling me cute anyways. lulululul. honestly, looks dont matter in the long run. i thought he was too pretty to like me anyways. xD and like. just because he is so beautiful, he thinks he can do whatever he fucking wants. AND THATS ANNOYING. and i think its great that not a lot of people think youre attractive, because then i wont be jealous! aahahaa. i was really mad when eryn acted disgusted that i liked you, especially when she was all giggly and even slightly flirty around you. i wanted to murder her. xD but still, i dont know how anyone doesnt find you attractive. maybe i just do because i know your personality. well actually, i thought you were cute before that, so never mind. hahaa. still, i dont think it really matters. i have a retarded tooth and im all unproportional, but you still like me so. lululul. i really really like your nose though. just thought id say that again.. im really weird. :D
but for real. you dont have to be jealous ever again! although i dont know what im going to do with nicks shirt AHAHAHA. i am notorious for stealing shirts though, i will admit to having a collection.. one day ill have one of yours. xD
yeah. i cant go to sleep. xD
i was gonna say other stuff, but i forgot. ? ah well. im thirsty. i didnt bring down my trusty water bottle.. i thought id come down here and post my thoughts real quick but then i got distracted.. ANYWAYS. WOOO. BUBBBBBBLY STOMACH I HAVE.
Tagged with: (:
lame.
[ Posted Sat, 22 Jan 2011 20:23:08 ]
my saturday has been pretty lame. woke up at like 11 something, but stayed in bed till 1, its what i do. i babysat april for like 2 hours, so now i only owe my mom two more hours. we just watched scooby doo and played atari. cleaned a bit. i think i took a nap? but im not sure. after i cleaned i was laying in bed, and i texted someone at like 4? but then i thought i was just laying there thinking, and ena calls me at 5 something and says were gonna watch the green hornet later, and she misses me because she hasnt seen me all day so will i come watch when they watch it. XD i was like uhh sure? and i look at the time and im like lol, did i fall asleep? im never able to take naps. i must have been really bored. so then i read harry potter for awhile, and went down and watched the green hornet with them. it wasnt bad, the screener was a bit fuzzy, but what can you expect from a screener.
didnt hang out with nick. but im not mad, because he said maybe wed hang out. at least this time, it wasnt a we WILL hang out. he seemed bummed when i said we couldnt hang out friday, he probably could have hung out that day, but had someone else to hang out with tonight. but too bad. BROS BEFORE HOS. bitchin.
i really am a bitch though. when i sit back and think of how many people i dont like at all, its terrible. how two faced am i! there really are only a few people i have no problems with. and i mean, i do like some people and i dont like some of the things they do but hey. i dont like most of the things I do! but some people, i just cant stand. and i have no idea how i even put up with them sometimes, because usually i just want to strangle them. most of these people are girls, mind you. i cant think of any boy i have a burning passion to strangle, except for donald perhaps. however, i can think of PLENTY of girls. why is my mind so violent? ah well.
now i have to wait even longer to find out my future. hes going skiing next weekend, thats great. cant have a sleepover until the weekend after, and he said a maybe to that.. what is wrong with me, honestly. but its really something i have to talk about in person. honestly, i hate texting. i prefer talking on the phone, but even that cannot compare to talking in person. i will never understand how people do long distance relationships. its not something i would be able to handle. i cannot bring myself to say important things over the phone. i have before but. i just. i want it to stop. i dont like it. i hate when people say ‘i love you’ over text. i feel like it looses so much meaning that way.. this is why i have to tell someone i like them, or break up with them, or whatever, in person. ugh. i ramble so much, its so uninteresting. no wonder no one likes me, im completely uninteresting. fack. whatever. dont care enough.
maybe thats one of the reasons that im not fake. maybe thats why i dont try and be someone im not to achieve popularity. its because i just dont care. im too lazy to even act like someone else. hahahaa. i suppose thats a good thing? damn. i really have no motivation. to do anything. its kinda sad.
michelle makes me feel so pathetic. probably because i am pathetic. it doesnt make me mad at her, oh no. only person that tells me the whole truth, i know to count on her. i come whining, and she bitches at me and tells it like it is. true love. ♥ i am so lucky to have a best friend like that. although i am pathetic, shes still my best friend. and she tells stuff to my face, not behind my back. i am in no danger of being stabbed in the back by my best friend, as most people are. its nice.
i really want to eat flavor blasted goldfish, but i already had a bag last night.. they are my favorite snack food EVER. i think yoohoo is my favorite snack drink. i wish people hadve gotten me fucking flavor blasted goldfish for my birthday. that would have been the best thing EVAR. good thing my parents only buy stuff on sale, or i would be one fat motherfucker.
i dont understand anyone.
[ Posted Fri, 21 Jan 2011 21:45:31 ]
why am i so whiney.
but seriously. its so fucking frustrating. im not sure why i feel the need to either, though. like, why is it so important to me? why do i let it frustrate me? why dont i just.. LET IT BE.
i have a headache. perhaps due to me being fucking crazy hyper all the time, although sometimes i really cant help that.
mrs martin actually gave me compliments today? she usually doesnt? and i felt awesome. she was being really nice to me. she said that i was lucky to have such a beautiful voice that can only get better. and i can keep my tone and pitch and make it really quiet, i can control it if need be, even if the note is really high (which is hard to do). and i never thought i was good at that, BUT SHES THE EXPERT.
i also can never sing when im not being serious. XD like. i cant just sing in front of people. but i feel like singing all the time. so i end up just singing silly but i dont care! haaa. and i dont want to feel like im showing off. and it annoys people when you sing, even if its good. SO. BLEH. BUT I WANT TO SING. ALL THE TIME. LAAAAAA
ima read harry potter. im so tired. fack. the weekends gonna suck. except on sunday ! cause i have TWO soccer games, and thats EXCITING! i usually only have one, and i feel like they arent long enough! and all the guys on my team are actually nice to me! and i dont feel like i suck! even though i sorta do since i havent played since 10th grade! WOO. and maybe saturday im going to hang out with nick? BUT IVE LEARNED NOT TO REALLY TRUST HIM. yet somehow, i still want to hang out with him? ahh, im fucking retarded. WHATEVS. IM A RETARDED GIRL. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
ITS A FINE LIFE!
[ Posted Thu, 20 Jan 2011 19:02:52 ]
ITS A FINE, FIIIIIINEEEEEEEEEE LIFEE!
stuck in my head.
donald really cant sing. and i just want to punch him, but instead i laugh with kylie and shelby and brittany, even though i dont really like kylie. when shelby was singing one of her solos today in rehearsal, donald was acting as if he was killing her. i found it very rude, even if it is a rehearsal. theres no reason to be giggling when someone needs to rehearse their part. obviously they deserved that solo, and you should give them the respect they deserve. you arent funny. you are simply unintelligent and untalented and rude.
and teddy, you arent smart either. god, you act like you are the brightest in the bunch but.. i could actually say that jayson is smarter than you, and thats saying something, coming from me. you know, ive never been mean to you. even after jayson and i broke up, i did nothing cruel to you. so why have you always been so terrible to me? not that i care, but its rather annoying. i make your best friend happy, and you just be an asshole and make unintelligent jokes that arent funny. and then, your (ex?) best friend and i break up, theres no hard feelings. we remain friends. and yet you still decide to be mean to me. you still hate me, even after another your good friends start liking me. i never did anything wrong to you, so i dont really understand this grudge.. but i dont really care. you wont go anywhere in life. HA
am i just bitter today? XD
i cant find the independent reading sheet from mr. barker? i have the one from mrs drake WHAFUCK. im gonna do it tonight cause he said we get extra credit if we turn it in today or tomorrow. and im not doing anything important tonight. this isnt really work, i read fucking harry potter. XD
im not really mad, but im mildly upset and jealous. shell and i were going to have a sleepover, but shes going to chill with sam and ryan instead. cause ryans parents wont be home, and they are gonna do drugs. xD man. not fair. i want to have sleepovers with boys. i detest being left out. i really, really detest it. i am such a spoiled child! really, i am rotten.
came back from the dentist (boy did that feel funny!) and went to math. that bitch made me go all the way back up to the office to sign in. fuck that shit, ive never signed in/out before. it doesnt matter? like, literally, i have never done that before, because its unnecessary. you already turned in the fucking note, they know where you are going, ive never been counted absent for a class i was in for that. it pissed me off, because i argued with her, and i was like i really dont need to. and she made me, and it pissed me off because i HATE her. she is the worst math teacher ive ever had, and i want to fucking kick her and knock her down. i cannot STAND listening to someone like her. i cannot stand having to OBEY people like that. GRRRRRRRRRRR/. i really dont like listening to people in general. but when i am FORCED to obey someone i DETEST. well fuck. if i didnt have so much willpower, i probably would have made my situation much worse. thats how much shit like this affects me. IM SO RETARDED, FUCK.
man. now im talking to shell and just. mannnn. i dont even wanna do that independent reading. but i probably will. what the fuck else am i going to do? MOPE AROUND? good use of time. my mom says that my dad says i dont care anymore because im just thinking about college. HA! havent they noticed that i have NEVER CARED?! dont they realize, that if i ACTUALLY tried i could get straight As, i could do that IB diploma shit, i could get all those AP credits. but. i. dont. care. isnt that a terrible thing to admit? shouldnt i want to better myself? shouldnt i want to be more intelligent? i sure wish i felt this way. you know, i used to feel this way about math. i have an internal battle every time i think of math now. i love it, and i want to learn more and more, but with this.. this bitch. i cant even.. fuck. im so freaking. i hate myself. why am i like this?
my mom says you control your emotions and thoughts. i beg to differ. i didnt ask to be like this! its no ones fault, oh no, i am not pushing the blame on someone else. i am NOT one of those people that say OH, WOE IS ME. IM INVITING YOU INTO MY PROBLEMS, GIVE ME PITY. i dont do that. thats annoying. i have nothing to be sad about, nothing to be NOT happy about. so i cant complain. fack. i dont even. srgbjhvbfjnsejkfdgd fffffffffff. uck
conversations.
[ Posted Tue, 18 Jan 2011 15:18:45 ]
in my head, they never work out like i plan them. i know they wont either, you cant PLAN conversations. so why do i do it? because when im laying in bed, i dont want to do much of anything else. even if that conversation wont happen for another like. two weeks or something. it makes me feel better if i keep making up good ending for it. surprisingly, i havent made up a bad ending yet. i wonder why, i usually cant think of a GOOD ending. perhaps i want this so badly, i cant even stand thinking about it ending badly. the last few days of mine have been brutal, at least in my mind. i couldnt stop thinking about how no one likes me back, so why would this be any different. but it is different. its one of those situations that youve never even heard of, and thats why its so hard to believe, thats why its so confusing. no amount of chick flicks would help me in this situation. not that they ever help me, but i watch them and cry, thus distracting me from my own issues. fuck, im such a girl. what am i to do.
im going to keep planning out this conversation, over and over again, until it actually happens. and when it does, it wont be close at ALL to any of my plans. and ill be confused, and i wont know what to say, because i didnt plan it. thats why i suck at improv, by the way. im a decent actor, but i am SHIT at improvising… still. even though im telling myself it wont at all go as smoothly as i want it to, my mind is already set. i want this to be true. i want. want. want want want. id say it was borderline need, even. perhaps i am just dramatic. but really.. in just two weeks.. ill know if i will be happy for the rest of my life. of course, of course. things change, people change. but at least ill be happy for a little bit. because now, ive just been going in and out.
if i told anyone, and listened to what they had to tell me, id be annoyed. yeah yeah. im young and stupid and dont know what im doing, and i cant plan my future, and i cant trust someone else with my future, and everyone lies, and things change and feelings change and YOUR PLANS NEVER WORK VITTORIA. yeah yeah yeahhhh oh well. i. dont. care. ill do what i want, and believe what i want, even if ill end up hurting myself enormously in the end, OH WELL. because theres a chance, very small right now but hopefully the chance will be bigger soon, that everything WILL work out, and i CAN be happy. im not saying i cant be happy if it doesnt work out but. it would be so much more difficult to find happiness if it doesnt, maybe its possible but maybe it isnt. according to my dream, it isnt possible. xD BUT IM JUST A MELO DRAMATIC TEENAGER WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT LIFE, RIGHT?!
im going crazy, it hasnt even been two months yet. december 4th, that wasnt even long ago. oh man, it feels like this has been going on forever. in a sense, it has been. at least since i was rather young. and only once a month.. but it has to be like that, it has to. fack.
why am i posting this on tumblr? i do a lot of things that dont make sense. i wanna go read harry potter. my mom wants me to do french. but i cant. i cant, not now. fuck. maybe ill do math first. and then i can do french later.. i really hate french now. i really dont wanna do it. will my opinion change in college? i hope so. i used to love french. used to love math, too.
fucking cold sores.
[ Posted Sun, 16 Jan 2011 23:05:16 ]
i have two. one on the gum below my teeth, which i didnt know could happen, and one on the inside of the right of my top lip. ive had them for like four days, and they wont go away. and thats its really gross, so i decided to blog about it. oh, dont i enjoy the many irrelevant things i post about. so glad i only have 7 followers. wonder how i even have that many! ha! even if i had a thousand, id keep posting about the same, pointless things. i hate reading my posts when im not feeling the same as i was though, i always think of myself as whiny and dramatic. im quite annoying, i dont know how anyone reads my real blog, its much much worse.
i think more than half of my posts have the word ‘fuck’ in the title. i mad, lul.
one more rant, then ill shut up.
[ Posted Sun, 16 Jan 2011 19:31:45 ]
and go read harry potter! and not do my homework or my french speaking that counts for my exam! i dont care! ha!
oh. but before i go off and be depressing, i would like to express my happiness at receiving a wonderful water bottle from r-mc. when i went there yesterday, they gave all the scholars free water bottles. and they are QUALITY, bro. ive wanted a good water bottle that doesnt leak, doesnt take forever to open, and is bpa free for the longest time. AND NOW I HAVE ONE! and now i dont have to use plastic water bottles and feel bad about it! YAYYY IM GREEN. xD its so lovely.. really. im so damn happy. XD ITS GONNA BE MY WATER BOTTLE FOREVERRR. you know, when one of the only thing that cheers up your week is a water bottle, you know somethings wrong.
anyways, i have rediscovered that nearly no one has liked me as much as i have liked them. the only person would be omar. shane didnt count, because he didnt like ME, he liked mah bodehhhh lololololol. im so immature. :D so the only time anyone ‘likes’ me more, is just if they want to do me. but im like HA NO THANKS. dont you love the world! dont you love people! BECAUSE I SURE DO. but still. i have liked countless people since jayson. well really, i could count them, but it would be too depressing. xD none of them have liked me. if they have, it hasnt been very much . AH WELL. ah, who am i kidding, its obviously not oh well. its obviously something that bothers me, although i really wish it didnt. but im not blaming those people that didnt like me. you cant force yourself to like/love someone, i learned that the hard way… (omar)
i guess theres no one to blame but myself, but i dont exactly know what ive been doing wrong. i dont really get it. i had boyfriends for like three straight years, and now its been like nine months and ive had nearly nothing. how does that happen. why does it bother me? because . im tired of being unhappy. and im running out of distractions. and those are the best distractions, boys that is. no, i dont use them solely for my happiness. i usually try and make them happy, and thats what distracts me from my own unhappiness. i think a lot of girls are unhappy when they are single because they are insecure. im not insecure. im just fucking weird.
yeah, yeah, i should be able to control my own happiness. fuck that. ive been trying for YEARS. YEARS. i. got. nothin.
i dont make sense. fack. but im done being unhappy, so ill go read harry potter now. sounds good man.
.....
[ Posted Sun, 16 Jan 2011 18:21:30 ]
FUCK PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY ARE GOING TO DO SOMETHING AND THEN DONT DO IT. OH HEY, ILL TOTALLY COME DO THIS WITH YOU. OR WAIT, NO, IM NOT GOING TO COME AND IM JUST NOT GOING TO TELL YOU IM NOT GOING TO COME, AND IM NOT GOING TO RESPOND WHEN YOU ASK ME IF WE ARE HANGING OUT. AWESOME. I FUCKING LOVE EVERYONE. AND THEN IM GOING TO BE NICE TO YOU AFTER WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HANG OUT, AND SAY NICE THINGS AND EXPECT YOU TO BE OKAY WITH IT. SWEET.
IM NOT HUNGRY MOM
FUCK
[ Posted Fri, 14 Jan 2011 22:27:42 ]
I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY I CARE SO MUCH, BUT I DO. its not fair. you had the ENTIRE PLAY that was basically your moment, you had your opening and closing monologue, and your lines in every scene. why, oh why did you have to steal my most important moment? ive never had insanely large parts in theatre productions, therefore, i have never had a moment on stage to really call my own. but that monologue was mine. that was supposed to be my moment, that i never got. im used to comedy, not dramatic pieces, so this was a challenge for me. along with my main character, i had to be three other characters in one scene, i had to make them each distinguishable when they each only had a few lines. ive never gotten better feedback from mrs facemire from any other role ive had, ive been working harder than most of the cast to get my part just right. ive never gotten so many compliments about playing my part so well, and ive never been so confident before. and you had to steal it. you had to make themlaugh. laugh, at what was probably the most serious portion of the play. i thought the first time they laughed at you 'crying' at my monologue, you would stop. i thought you would have the sense to think, oh hey. this part isnt supposed to be funny. shes supposed to be a great actress and surprise us all since she had no experience and was sickly and such. she was supposed to connect so fully to her characters, that it would wow everyone and then your line 'will somebody please go get her before she walks all the way back to odessa' would make sense, because you were so impressed with my skills. but no. you had to continue to make those FEW people laugh. i almost cried on stage. but i kept it together, i pushed my own thoughts away. i stayed true to my character, and i finished my monologue as i have every other time in the past, and pretended that no one was laughing. i put my heart and soul into that, i wanted people to see what i could do, what ive never done before. and you stole it. before now, i never truly believed shelby about how horrible of a person you are. i knew you werent the best, but i thought you were nice. but that.. is one of the meanest things anyone has ever done to me. and a lot of people have done some pretty cruel things to me. i cannot believe it. you have every main role in every production this year. YOU CANT EVEN SING, AND YOU HAVE WHAT IS BASICALLY THE LEAD MALE ROLE IN OLIVER. you have all the moments. you have had all the moments, as long as ive been in theatre. i thought, for once, it would be vittoria's time to shine. but no, how silly of me, of course not. its always donald's time to shine.
when you find out that the person next to you hates the same bitch that you do.
[ Posted Wed, 12 Jan 2011 20:27:00 ]
LULWAT I KNOW.
Tagged with: (:
the other night.
[ Posted Wed, 12 Jan 2011 19:48:00 ]
I am dreaming. There is a woman. She is short and middle-aged, with slightly unkempt, dark, curly hair trailing down her back. The expression on her face looks tired and weary; she is lonely and unhappy. She sits on the edge of a couch in a tiny, somewhat untidy room. She sighs. She makes no other noise, but small tears stream down the sides of her face, flowing overtop barely dried tear tracks, presumably from moments before. She stays sitting for a moment longer, and then busies herself by making tea. She closes her eyes and sips the tea, and I realize that this woman is me. As soon as this realization strikes me, I am no longer watching from afar, but through the woman's, through my, own eyes. The scene changes. All I can see is an unframed photo of a very attractive couple. The male is tall and handsome with dark hair and a long nose. His wife is beautiful; she has long blonde waves that nearly reach her waist, and pretty blue eyes. They both have bright, white, perfect smiles. The woman who is me sobs quietly to herself. The promise of what her life was going to be had been shattered; she feels the pain and frustration of her most important dream falling to pieces. There had never been another moment in her life that seemed as unfair as this did. The scene changes. The woman is alone and it is dark. The stars are bright, and she is standing at the edge of a lake. She screams in frustration and sobs into the night sky, as if she's asking it to release her. After a short while, she falls on her knees, still sobbing and screaming, the screaming becoming shriller as she loses control. After what could have been hours, she collapses on the soft grass, spent. The scene changes. She is writing a letter to her father and sister. She struggles constantly, unable to put her feelings into words. She eventually gives up, as she does with everything, and finishes it without being satisfied. She doesn't cry this time. The scene changes. I am no longer looking through my own, older eyes; I again watch from afar. The soft grass is green, and there are a few clouds in the sky, some of which are partially covering the sun. All of the faces wear the same expression, which is to say, no expression. They are neither sad nor happy. There are only a few people present: the handsome man from the photo, my elderly father, my still naïve sister, a very freckled Michelle, a bearded Omar, and a very intelligent-looking Garrett. As I look closer, I find very faint emotions on each of their faces, as if there were only a hint of feeling. Ena looks slightly confused. Omar looks slightly disbelieving. Michelle looks slightly annoyed. The handsome man is barely frowning. Garrett looks unsurprised. My father is the only one with tears slowly rolling down his cheeks. The scene changes; there is nothing. I wake up.
A really tiny poem/rhyme/thing I wrote when you asked why people thought you were so weird a long time ago :D
[ Posted Tue, 11 Jan 2011 20:37:00 ]
Small girl,
Things aren’t always what they seem,
and the bear that sits atop you head
Scares away most little teens.
PS: In case you can’t figure it out, the “bear” is the hat you got for your birthday :)
ITS A MONKEY. but thanks. :P
Tagged with: (:, submission
FUCK EVERYONE
[ Posted Mon, 10 Jan 2011 23:42:48 ]
seriously, fuck everyone. im so fucking tired of fucking PEOPLE, myself included! i cannot stand people that say similar things as me about the human race but then act like they are better. NO THEY FUCKING ARENT. THOSE PEOPLE ARE EVEN MORE IRKSOME THAN THE IDIOTS. FUCKKK. what is WRONG with me?!
i dont know what to do with myself, i dont know. i never know, i ask myself all the time, what do i do? BUT I NEVER HAVE THE ANSWER, TO ANYTHING. never an answer to a question someone asks, to a question i ask myself… FACK.
yeah, im depressed, but why. WHY. theres no fucking reasons, i have too many reasons to be happy, why are they not enough for me? what do i want from life!? what am i searching for!
theres no way ill be indefinitely content with a husband and children. will that be reason enough to exist? i dont know, i dont know.. i think perhaps, the reason i always want a boyfriend, is they are excellent distract-ors. at least, as pathetic as it sounds, if i have a boyfriend, i have SOMETHING to keep me going. something to live for, something to give my life meaning, i need to make someone happy. why does nothing else work? yeah, sometimes drugs work, but those arent the best solutions, at least not the ones that are not so great for you. i dont want to depend on that.. although i dont really want to depend on another person for that either.. but thats what it all comes down to, eh?
ive read stuff, and talked to patrick about how all our choices and thoughts were influenced by something or another. but what have these thoughts been influenced by? certainly not drugs, which many would argue, as ive had these thoughts for a long, long time. it had to have been someone, or something, right? but i just dont know who or what is was, and if its made such a huge impact on me, youd think id remember? but oh no, this started at least when i was in 5th grade, i have a journal entry to prove it. its not much, but its something. its sad. im sad. im pathetic.
i really dont know what to do anymore. im done. i almost feel bad for making my dad pay for r-mc. will it even be worth it? will i even do anything? or will i just be a waste? i hate wasting, and it would be a shame for myself to just become waste. what the hell am i even talking about anymore.
WHY CANT I BE A FUCKING HAPPY HIPPIE AND SHIT. FUCK.
i really needed tomorrow to be a snow day. i really fucking needed it. i do not want to go to school. i do not want to take a math quiz. i do not want to do fucking anything. because im lazy. and i dont care. but i must care. but i dont understand how. or why. i dont understand much of anything, which is why i dont consider myself intelligent. i think ill go upstairs now, and cry for hours and read harry potter. i may get to my government homework, i may not. its awesome that i didnt even finish my french outline, cant wait to be yelled at for that. ERRYONE MAD. MAD MAD MAD. i mad. i so mad. but not really. im never mad. only sad. only pathetic. only frustrated. only confused. fuck.
:D
[ Posted Sun, 09 Jan 2011 00:21:04 ]
i cant explain why receiving someones shirt without asking is so freaking amazing. i dont think it has ever happened to me. i dont think anyone has ever thought to give me their shirt. perhaps its because i told him how good he smells.. oh man. its not overpowering, you cant smell it from far away. in fact, you have to get right up close..
i heard something a while back like you remember what someone smells like the most, out of any other sense? or something? idk. anyways. just saying. i love how different people smell. unless they smell gross, like how people smell like mechanicsville and cat pee and shit. gag.
i really cant help it. i dont judge people on how they smell, but i cant help liking how someone in particular smells.. and now i get to be creepy, and smell it until the smell wears off. and then instead of cuddling it, ill wear it. its not just me thats weird, im pretty sure all girls do this. ehehehe. this is so exciting.
i dont expect anything to really happen, since he lives in richmond. but if something did happen, oh that would be great. i mean, the way things went tonight it would seem that they would continue. but because people lie all the time, i will not expect it.
i hope i wasnt being too whiny. i dont think i was but. i didnt really want him to go. although when he gave me his shirt i let him ahahaa. xD but thats because he threw it on me, and i was like lol i bet i look silly. and he was like you already did! bahaa. hes crazy, and silly, and smells wonderful. hes soft and kind and fun. we both had corduroy jackets on, it was really silly. mine was brown and his was greenish, but i liked it. i thought he looked rather nice. he was even more attractive than i thought he was, jessica is jealous and shes only seen pictures. xD harharhar. also probably the best kisser? like. ever? !! everevereverrr. thank goodness someone beats shane, because it was really annoying that he was just SHIT but was a super great kisser. lame.
i wanna know what his middle name is. i always want to know a boys middle name. i dont know why. i just love to know. i need to know. but i wont ask him tonight; i will tomorrow. i dont want to be obnoxious ahaha.
its so silly, because apparently hes super shy. and im just like LOUD ITALIAN OBNOXIOUSNESS LOLOLOLOLOL. but hes not shy to me. he said he can never talk on the phone and always feels awkward, yet i got him to talk to me for three hours a couple of nights ago. am i magic or what. :D
i think he called me pretty about a million times, cept i just kept telling him NO U. xD because its so true? jeez. what the heck. there has to be something negative about him, im gonna find it. because so far, i got nothin. i know hes not a pedophile because he had plenty of chances to rape me. although im legally adult, hes still 23 and so yeah. XD but i just think its funny. xD he sure doesnt act like hes 23. i mean. hes mature and responsible, but hes so silly and just. childish (yes, hes mature and childish) hahahaaa. hahahahaaa hes 23. xDDDD lolololololol. maybe i should try for older guys from now on. xD the younger guys dont seem to be working out for me. if this does.. oh man will i be happy!
I WILL SING! about my happiness. XD if this happens. hahaaa. i just wanna. go back and do it again man. dammmmmnnnn. that was great. and i just. enjoy talking to him. yes yes yes. this happiness will last awhile. what a girl i am. what a fucking girl. lololololololol
you can't go wrong with a sweater.
[ Posted Thu, 06 Jan 2011 19:35:39 ]
seriously, boys should wear more sweaters. x) they are freaking adorable on like. all of them. like today.. becca and i couldnt stop giggling. sometimes, i dont mind being a girl, because i get to be giggly and creepy, and its okay. XD but thats really like. the only time i like being a girl. and the fact that i get to be with a MAN. because i mean, if i was a boy i could be gay but. there wouldnt be as many choices out there.
YOU DONT KNOW ME, by the way. you dont know how i feel. i dont hide very many emotions because i think thats stupid. i dislike how people are never straight forward, so why would i not be straight forward? that would make no sense. just saying.
anyways, im not sure why i started this one today. i just felt like talking, to no one in particular, which is what im doing.
i really wonder what i want. the only person who could know is myself, except that i dont know. everyone says its okay to not know, because im still young. but i dont buy that.. a lot of people know what they want, or a good idea of what they want.
scratch that. i know what i want. i want my MASTER plan to work. it should work, but it all depends on one person. and that person isnt me. xD how pathetic, that the future that i believe would be wonderful depends on another.. of course, if i told anyone other than michelle, they would probably tell me it was dumb and i shouldnt limit my future to just that. im surprised michelle hasnt said anything of the sort, she is like. the harshest person i know. im just waiting for her to tell me how she feels, because i want to know. i love michelle, because shes brutally straight forward. why does no one else like straight forwardness? i shall never understand people.
i want to talk to this person.. i want to ask them so many things.. but i cant. because i am pathetic. i dont want to know if the answer is no. yeah, yeah, so im a hypocrite. i like people to be straight forward and i like the truth. but thats because on virtually any other thing someone could tell me about, i would probably care less. their answer wouldnt hurt me or make me happy. but this.. well actually if the answer was no, i wouldnt be hurt. i just wouldnt be happy. right now, im happy. well not super happy, but content. ive been content, ever since… at least fairly content. because im not worried, or stressed, about my future, like a usually am. its nice. i wish to keep it this way, at least for a little while longer.. i will ask before its too late though. that may not be for another year… id rather them bring up the subject than me. i dont know how they feel, well they dont know how i feel.. but they should. although they may think that i should know too. BUT I DONT. BECAUSE I DOUBT EVERYTHING HAVING TO DO WITH ME. everything having to do with how someone feels about anything to do with me.
CRAZY! IM CRAZY!
today in ecology, the ‘cool’ kids were talking to someone about this one night when they had an 18 inch bong and dank, DANK weed. and i listened to the whole thing, and i was like looking at them too, and they didnt even notice me? XD i thought it was really funny, i was even laughing like the whole time. its fun to be invisible, to people that you dislike.
you know, im not exactly sure why it is that i rant so often, when i dgaf? XD I MAKE NO SENSE, THATS WHY/. maybe like.. never mind, i dont even know. but i cant find sleeping beauty, and thats annoying. i really wanted to watch that movie. xD hahaa. i havent seen it in a lifetime, and i forgot what happens! AND I WANNA KNOW. FACK LIEF.
it makes me angry how a certain someone treats their boyfriend. maybe i dont know much about your relationship, but he is a great person. maybe not the best, but you obviously arent either. its really upsetting, how he cares about you more than anything, and you walk all over him… i feel sorry for him. i feel sorry for you, too.
one of my favorite things about smoking weed is that i dont mind being alone. in fact, i like it. i mean, if im with friends than its way more fun but. its crazy. its like, nothing bothers me. im nearly completely at peace. i even enjoy showers! and i detest showers usually. everything feels so tranquil, its so nice. i cant explain most of the things i feel, but its all positive. the great thing about it, is sometimes that whole mindset somehow pops up when im sober. that never used to happen. but now a days, i dont flip out as much. i appreciate things more. im not completely unhappy. its just.. nice. it makes me sad that many people dont understand it and get mad at people that smoke. i really see nothing wrong with it.. but whatever..
i havent cared what people thought about me in years. i think i used to care in middle school, maybe 6th, 7th grade. i think i started not caring at the end of 7th grade though, im pretty sure i didnt care in 8th grade. i think it started because i had just moved here in 6th grade.. and i obviously wanted friends. i used to be super popular in elementary school, i wanted everyone to love me again, i wanted everyone to think i was funny again. they didnt. it was different here. everyone thought i was weird. but its all okay, because everything worked out for me well.
what a long, rambling post. i dont know why anyone would want to read something so long that i wrote. i think ill go search for sleeping beauty again, or maybe ill just take the easy way out and ask my dad to make it on dvd. perhaps ill go read harry potter. lol. ♥
harsh.
[ Posted Wed, 05 Jan 2011 19:20:12 ]
is a word i would use to describe you.
ha!
[ Posted Tue, 04 Jan 2011 21:43:30 ]
its impossible, to know anyone, even just a little bit, in two weeks. what the hell! hahahaa.
i think maybe i should be more like michelle. michelle doesnt believe anyone. basically everything that anyone (besides maybe sam, me, and a few others) tells her, she assumes is a lie. everyone lies, so it makes sense. i know this. i know that a lot of the shit people say to me are lies. but i dont really care. xD i just believe them, and figure if it turns out to be a lie OH WELL.
ive dated people that just. spout lies. some, i just believe because i dont want to deal with their lies. others, i just laugh at because its completely ridiculous that they would expect anyone to believe their bullshit. the thing is, i dont think ive ever been seriously hurt by anyone. i dont know if im able to be, not that id want to be hurt. just saying.
i feel like watching sleeping beauty tonight. i wonder if i have it on video?
i dont know what the point of this was, except to ridicule myself further. i really dont understand half the things i do, because they dont make any sense. why do i believe people that are obviously lying, or there is a good chance that they are lying? i guess because i want it to be the truth. i dont want them to be lying to me, and i want them to mean their words. but they never do.
yeah, ive said some words to some people that i didnt mean. but most of the things i say to someone, especially if its someone i like, are the truth. i dont like lying to someone that is really important to me (parents arent included… only so i dont get in trouble. oh well, i plan to tell them one day.. ive recently ‘fessed up to a few things, but only to my mommy). but, we already know im not the best person out there…
STILL. WHY ALL THE LIES. WHY CANT PEOPLE BE STRAIGHTFORWARD. TELL ME WHAT YOU ARE THINKING, NOT WHAT YOU THINK I WANT TO HEAR. FUCK THAT SHIT.
do i have no shame?
[ Posted Mon, 03 Jan 2011 21:43:31 ]
si, je ne pense pas que je l’ai.
intelligence.
[ Posted Sun, 02 Jan 2011 22:39:46 ]
my father, along with a shit ton of other people, seem to think that i am like soooooooper smart. alright, alright. im not a complete idiot, especially compared to the people of mechanicsville. but seriously. im not that smart either. my father seems to think i have this hidden intelligence, like im really smart but i dont apply myself. well sure, maybe i dont apply myself all the time, but i do in certain subjects. i try my fucking hardest in english, but i can think of nothing to analyze, i cannot find any hidden meanings or symbols. i do not understand how these people think im so intelligent, when i havent done anything worthwhile. yeah, so i dont care about most things. yeah, so i dont usually apply myself much. but did anyone ever stop to think that maybe i dont care because i CANT do these things? because i CANT be as smart as they want me to be? im fucking sorry. i wish i could take these things as compliments, but i cant. i want them to know the truth, im a straight forward person and i tell people the TRUTH no matter how harsh! now why is it that no one believes me on this matter! i cant do anything! do you understand how frustrated i get, because i am not as intelligent as i want to be, as you think i am!? goddammit.
hahahaaa.
[ Posted Sun, 02 Jan 2011 21:25:50 ]
it makes me feel so much better, when i can just laugh at someone instead of letting them irritate me. i know that would irritate them even more, its probably frustrating even, because it frustrates me when people laugh at me and im angry. im an evil, terrible person. hahahahaaa . i just cant stop. karma’s a bitch, aint it? certainly, its a bitch to me all the time. but dont i love it when its a bitch to someone else.
no wonder i cant get a boyfriend. xD ahahahahaa. i honestly wonder why anyone thinks im a good person. no, no. no. what i think is fucking hilarious, is when people think they know me. HAHAHAHAHA. i dont even know myself very much, but i sure do more so than anyone else! and they think… they think! oh, it cracks me up what some people think.
i feel so free at the moment! so free! i could just laugh at these things forever. hahahaha. sometimes i really wish i could understand people. xD oh man. but i think its pretty impossible. ah well. if anyone acts like they know me, or straight up says they know me, ill probably laugh right in their face. hahahahaaa. people. oh, people. so funnnnyy.
i also tend to think of many people as better than me. i let this idea seep into my thoughts, and then i even act like they are better than me. im sure there are many, many people that are better than me, but im going to stop putting myself so extremely low. i dont need to impress them. i dont need to put them on a pedestal. fuck that. perhaps im not better than them, but they certainly arent better than me.
maynnnn. what happened to being a hippie. XD hahahahaa. i need to finish my school work. lul.
FUCK YOU, MRS RITTENHOUSE
[ Posted Sun, 02 Jan 2011 14:33:37 ]
FUCK YOU
I WANT A MAN.
[ Posted Tue, 28 Dec 2010 23:29:27 ]
well, probably a boy. since for some odd reason, i always go for the younger ones.
DAMMIT. ive been okay for awhile, it hasnt been something thats on my mind, but now ive let myself think about it again and its irksome. fack. why cant i be single and content?
I wanna rip your clothes off like wrapping paper on christmas morning.
[ Posted Sun, 26 Dec 2010 19:49:07 ]
im a mess.
[ Posted Fri, 17 Dec 2010 01:19:00 ]
today started out pretty well. lisa slept over last night, she left early in the morning, and then i just chilled with my mom and drank tea, and then read harry potter. my mom wanted to watch a movie after lunch, so we got ena and dad and it took forever to agree on a movie (because ena is difficult, and i am even MORE difficult), but we chose one and watched it, and it was all good. for some reason i decided to go upstairs and get out fabric and make stuff. so i was playing with it for like hours, because thats just what i do, i have loads of ideas about clothes. and then my dad comes in, and hes all being annoying and yelling because my room is messy. dad, have you ever seen a CLEAN sewing room? my room is used for many things, and thats what it was being used for today, so yeah. i cant work in a clean space! i need to spread stuff out! why doesnt he understand that.. anyways, for some reason he was really bothering me today, i wanted to punch him. he kept coming in my room or the computer room simply to irritate me. and then i was getting frustrated because im retarded with a sewing machine. and then i come downstairs and they are all telling me i have to watch another movie with them. fuck no, i already watched one, i dont even really like watching movies, i already spent like half the day with you guys, isnt that enough? i can never make them fucking happy, and its SO frustrating.
i get so frustrated, all the time. never really mad, never really angry. frustrated. its the worst, it really is. i despise feeling such way. then my dads telling me i have to clean my room all of break, and i dont fucking want to. i like my room, its one of the only places im comfortable in my big stupid clean house, and he wants to make it uncomfortable for me, he wants to make me stressed out and frustrated and irritated all the time, no matter where i am in the house. i never have any problems with my mom anymore. its just my dad. ive gotten to the point where, i dont even want to look at him, let alone speak to him. its like im constantly stressed out or irritated if hes even near me. i cant stand it. what am i going to do during this break, if i stay home the whole time ill go crazy, i swear. save meee, somebody. saveee meeeeeeee.
on a completely different note, ive been thinking alot lately, about certain things. ive come to the conclusion, that i am incapable of loving another person. yes, yes, i know im young. so perhaps i cant know this for sure. perhaps ill be a different person when im older. but if i dont change much then. i dont think ill ever really and truly love someone. it makes me a little sad. im not really sure what im going to do now. i have no desire to have a career. all i really wanted was to get married and have kids. how lame is that? when i told mr. shenk that, he didnt believe me. he told me i wouldnt be content with just that, i would want to do something challenging or something. but oh boy is he wrong. because i am the laziest, most un-motivated person i know.
i think part of the reason is because i dgaf so much. because i can get over things so inhumanly quickly, i think thats part of the reason. i cant love someone, because i wont care if they leave. i cant love someone, because i never cared when a boy cheated on me, i never cared when he was still in love with my best friend, these things didnt bother me. is that bad? i never shed a tear when i found out hunter cheated on me. i kept dating tyler, although i was aware he was still in love with eryn. i said i loved hunter, because he said he loved me. i said i loved omar, because i wanted omar to be happy. i said i loved jayson, because i was lonely (i think. not sure about this reason…but i know that couldnt have been real). yes, i can have a wholeeee bunch of feelings for one person, i can be infatuated with them, obsessed even, but love? i dont think there will ever be anyone for me. i know, i know. there i go, sounding all dramatic and obnoxious again. cant help it, im totally serious.
im at a loss for what to do or say anymore. what am i gonna do in the future? what am i gonna do now? im not afraid of anything more than my future. but what am i so afraid of? by the time i get there, and fail, will i even care that i failed? what will i care about by then? because right now, the number of things i care about are dwindling.
oh, bother. my eyes are going to hurt in the morning.
because
[ Posted Tue, 07 Dec 2010 21:50:27 ]
im so frightened of failure, i want the security of knowing the future. i suppose i cant expect someone to follow through with something they say but, oh, wouldnt it be nice? i would be so insanely happy for the rest of my life, if only i knew…
wouldnt life just be great
[ Posted Sun, 05 Dec 2010 14:12:30 ]
if i knew how my future would turn out? if i was positive that everything was going to be wonderful, and id marry a successful husband and have as many kids as i wanted, and could just do whatever i wanted and always be happy, my life would be so much less stressed. if i knew my future was gonna be good, i could chill out, and id be pretty happy most of the time. but its not that easy, even if you think it could be, even if you come up with an idea that sounds excellent. i really want to know, i really wish i could know.
well, now i know.
[ Posted Sun, 05 Dec 2010 11:25:15 ]
so i can stop caring.
last night was one of the best nights of my life. pure joy. when will i ever have such a night again? i wonder.
why, i wonder?
[ Posted Thu, 02 Dec 2010 23:00:00 ]
are people so nice to me? did i do anything to deserve their kindness? i think not.
i am ridiculous. i had the worst day, although nothing at all extremely bad happened. i hate to complain so much, i really do, but this is my blog for complaining. this tumblr does not represent myself very much…just saying. anyways, it started last night. for some reason, i had a lot of homework, and i had to listen to the songs i was called back for, and somehow, none of it got done. i became really tired (why am i ONLY tired when i have stuff to do?) and set my alarm for 5:30 to complete my government, french, and math homework. imagine my surprise when i woke up at 6:20, thinking FUCK IM AN IDIOT, I MUST HAVE SET IT FOR 5:30 PM DAMMIT. and so i rush to do government, but only manage like half of it before i start french, and then my computer is being so freaking ridiculous i wish to throw it across the room (no wonder i dont have a laptop!), my dad is yelling at me, and my dear mother makes me delicious tea.
im rushing to get dressed, and i noticed i keep dressing up, with skirts and dresses on A days and i was like DAMMIT I NEED TO STOP DOING THAT, its obviously not helping me any! so i meant to wear something silly and colorful, but ended up wearing tights and a dress and heels with my sweater? by the time i run out the door to the car, carrying all my papers because my backpack is in the car, i just want to cry. because i forgot to put on shorts under my dress, and it makes me uncomfortable if i dont, even if i do have on tights, and also because i realize that the top of my dress is much too low, and its going to bother me all day because my sweater doesnt even button there, and i really really dislike wearing low cut anything because it just freaks me out because im WEIRD.
i also wanted to cry because i think im going to fail because half the time i dont even care about doing work or paying attention, so then i get bad grades, but then i DO care for some reason that is unknown to me, and i flip out. and so i didnt do like any of my homework, and im doing french in the car and it sucks and i know im going to get a bad grade. and i finish it at school, and think oh fuck i didnt finish government, and i texted becca and asked her if she did math and if i could copy it (which is really something i NEVER do, at least not with math homework!). and i was just so miserable thinking about how i have nothing to be excited about, no one to make happy, nothing good about my day. why do i even try, even though justin warren told me the other day not to give up, its really hard not to. i want to not care, but i do. i do, so much. i want.
copied math in french, was angry in math because she called on me, AND IM NOT DUMB and she makes me feel SO SO SO stupid i want to kill myself to make the world better… she had written something weird by abbreviating, and i had gotten the question right so i hadnt been paying attention, i had no idea what ‘cs’ meant, and then i figured out it was cosxsinx, WHY CANT YOU JUST WRITE IT OUT BITCH, so yeah. i mad. did english in government. was depressed because i didnt do anything with the symbols or whatever in native son, and i hate being a disappointment. thank goodness they arent even due until we finish the novel… but i didnt know that until later !
my old habit wanted to come out again, my habit of crying in english class. ive always felt a struggle with english, because i constantly wonder how im in that class, because EVERYONE seems smarter than me, i feel as if i have nothing good to say, i feel as if my mind is not good enough, my mind is not independent enough to think on its own, i cant figure out anything analytically and its just NOT FAIR, because theres no way to teach such a thing to someone. its not like math. its like, the polar opposite, and i hate how frustrated it makes me. and looking at those words that we had to explain, and get a quote for, and looking at the questions for the next section, i just wanted to die. i dont understand how something so simple as a piece of paper makes me feel so insanely depressed, ITS ABSURD! honestly, i feel useless in english. i feel useless in a lot of things, and its a feeling i highly dislike. thats probably why i like to make someone happy. who knows…
and i just hate being negative around other people, but for some reason today i just couldnt help it. its almost frustrating when someone almost sounds concerned, because they shouldnt really care about why im not happy. i have no legitimate reasons. what are legitimate reasons, you ask? well, im not sure, but i am sure that i have none. but, of course i appreciate their kindness a million times over, i really do.
i guess i just dont understand other people. i truly dont, and thats also something that frustrates me. i wish to be able to understand, i want to KNOW, i want to be able to read people. but i simply cant. BLEH
and then, i am dreading the callbacks. i looked at the callback sheet, and i tried to calculate every possible outcome, and i never got a lead part in any of my calculated outcomes, and im not exactly sure how that happened. i wasnt really in my right mind, i suppose.
we get in the chorus room, and shane, alinia’s boyfriend, is sitting all alone. so i sit next to him, and he says, yay, now im not alone! and i was like well yeah, thats why i sat next to you, i dont like to be alone so i figure if someone is sitting alone they probably want company! and shane. he is one of the kindest people i have ever met, i love him and alinia, they are such adorable, nice people. he has this great attitude about life. and hes so nice to me when im just being negative, i end up telling him a lot of the stupid reasons i have for not being happy. he doesnt even see anything wrong with my being unhappy, he says he isnt always so happy-go-lucky every day either. he tells me i can always talk to him, about anything. which is totally something that i tell to people, sometimes even if i just meet them. xD we talked about how we were both scared about our call back auditions. after i sang “i shall scream” he looked really excited and told me i did great, and my voice is better than kylies, and ill make it for sure. i usually dont really listen to people about that stuff often, but he definitely made me feel better today. i hate when people just throw compliments at you without meaning them, but he really did mean them, and thats always nice.
3 hours of play rehearsal followed, and my day wasnt all that horrible then, but thats because i barely had time to think about outside things. when im on the stage, my mind is working as if it were the mind of whatever character i am playing. my own thoughts barely interfere, it is a skill i am happy to possess.
i dont know what the point of any of this was… i think im destined to think of any day that follows a good one to be bad. yesterday was great, i chilled with lisa, who i never get to hang out with cause she lives in utah, and michelle, AND IT WAS GREAT. xD
but yeahhh. nothing i ever say has a point. im kind of irritated with myself, actually. xD
Math doesn't exist, you can't even touch it.
[ Posted Tue, 30 Nov 2010 22:30:53 ]
LOLOLOLOLOLOLPATRICKONACID♥
Tagged with: no, fuck you patrick!, (:
what did i do?
[ Posted Tue, 30 Nov 2010 21:51:10 ]
):
Tagged with: idk man
LIFE
[ Posted Mon, 29 Nov 2010 22:44:53 ]
is really funny.
Tagged with: srsly
WOA.
[ Posted Wed, 24 Nov 2010 19:21:28 ]
I AM SO ANNOYING. XD
ah well. i decided, ill just live and do whatever. ah well, ah well, nothing you can do about some things. so you might as well STOP COMPLAINING. im gonna follow my own advice now. wooooop.
feelin slightly better.
[ Posted Tue, 23 Nov 2010 21:23:33 ]
day was still blah, because mind is still melodramatic.
yet, it wasnt completely terrible. i have a fun song for my oliver! audition, im pretty excited. i want to show mrs martin that i CAN act. because she pretty much said i can only sing and not act (didnt i already mention this? perhaps not?)… i feel a little awkward getting voice lessons from her, because i feel like she doesnt like me. i liked my old voice teacher, she was nice and silly and quirky and fun. but she lives in richmond, which is inconvenient, especially when im probably about to be in 4 plays. woot woot.
and like. im glad mrs martin is so straight-forward, and tells me i need to work on my acting. but thats just. so much harder to work on, its frustrating. i like singing because i can do it. i can pretty much do most of the things someone asks me to do involving singing. because oliver is mostly a cast of boys, i thought they might make some of them female roles. i think i like the artful dodger, so i wanna be him if they make him a girl. so mrs martin gave me a boy song. but i like it. i wanna practice it right now, and im going to, even though im supposed to do english. HEH. im actually motivated to do something, so i need to like, JUMP ON IT, because im never motivated. lol. i want a good part in this damn musical, because i know i can sing better than i can act, so this is my chance to get a better part. rawr.
i wish i was more creative. then id be a better actor, i know i would be.
i wonder when this phase of my mind will pass, though. id rather not be so un-energetic all the time. people have already started commenting on it, and i dont like other people noticing when im feeling down. because then that creates this air of negativity, and then everyone else is feeling down too, all because of me. i dont wish for that to happen. i want the people around me to be happy. ill work on this. i know ill be better tomorrow and thursday, until sunday. tomorrow im going shopping with jessica and possibly to the movies with micheal and all those cool kids (whats up with me, i hate the movies, but i keep going? i like people, what can i say), they want to dress up really fancy, because we think thats funny. XD then thursday i get to see garrett, my role model and favorite cousin, and the rest of my family that i love, until sunday. and we are going to have loads and loads and loads of fun AND ILL BE HAPPY. but until then.. oh well. i can deal with it. this is NOTHINGG. NOTHING I TELL YEEEE.
Tagged with: giants
its crazy.
[ Posted Mon, 22 Nov 2010 23:06:10 ]
the emotional roller coaster that is my mind. i havent been happy all day. im not really happy right now either, but i feel rather apathetic. perhaps i forced my mind to not care about this, but its working so far. it wont for long, but hey. it gives me a break. now i dont have to be flipping out on anyone. i really want to sleep, but i have to memorize my lines for ‘good doctor’. man, im the worst this year. i have less motivation than ever.. like my WL2 draft? im a little upset with myself. and i only do my math homework sometimes? but thats really only because i freaking hate that women, which is REALLY annoying. how can i have such a terrible teacher that i dislike a TON in my favorite, favorite subject. its ridiculous. and ive tried to like her, tried to tolerate this. but its so hard, i just cant even pay attention anymore because she bothers me, plus i REALLY HATE when she calls on people. seriously, its one of my biggest pet peeves when teachers randomly call on students. ima explode. whats wrong with me. xD i dont do anything anymore. why should i? its not like i care.
also, ive been PARTICULARLY annoyed at my damn parents. SORRY im in a bad mood sometimes, you guys are like ALL THE TIME, so dont get all mad at me just because i dont feel like talking to you. its frustrating how you think i dont appreciate you and jank, and its hard to do so when you feel as if i dont. stop telling me what to do, im not a damn child. i know its my BED TIME, im ABOUT TO TURN OFF MY COMPUTER, calm down woman and stop yelling, that isnt doing ANYBODY ANY GOOD. its not like when i go upstairs ill go to sleep anyways, since when does that ever happen? i know to brush my teeth, i KNOW to wear my retainer, but you obviously DONT KNOW how much i DONT want to do any of those things after you DEMAND them. GAHHHHH. im so tired of power going to the heads of adults. what is wrong with the world, what is wrong with me?
look, now i gaf again. WUT. jk. not about the other stuff. that stuff, is not bothering me at the moment. i just keep telling myself how dumb i am, and then its like oh, that makes sense, no wonder i was thinking that. i should stop being dumb, and stop thinking like this. good, good vittoria.
ha. haaaaaaaaa. i dont know what to believe anymore. seriously, nothing makes sense, STILL, and i STILL understand nothing. woop wooop.
why the hell do i waste my time
[ Posted Mon, 22 Nov 2010 16:47:24 ]
thinking about such useless things. all i do, is think about the DUMBEST, most RIDICULOUS things that dont, and shouldnt, matter. ive never failed a math test in my entire life, and if i failed this one i think ill be so mad at myself that i wont even allow myself to be happy for days. i worry about so much shit that just.. doesnt matter! why do i care so MUCH about things i shouldnt, why cant i care more about things that i SHOULD, who decides what i should and shouldnt care about anyways.. i suppose its sort of myself, but then again my thoughts are influenced by everyone and everything around me, so when you get into ‘whos to blame’, it starts to get confusing and then i dont even know what i was talking about in the first place. WHY DO NONE OF MY RANTS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING. i just keep talking and talking, about completely nothing and i just sound like a whiny, dramatic bitch. if i read this kinda shit on someone elses blog, id probably be like ‘damn, what an annoying bitch’. BUT THATS JUST CAUSE IM A JERK. BUT SO ARE MOST PEOPLE. WOOOO.
-go away mother, go away father. all i want to do right now is.. well either this or cry, and if im not distracted by typing this up the latter will happen, so stop bothering me. i dont want to be mean to you, because i feel bad, but im in such a terrible mood that i just cant even put a fake smile on, i dont even have the energy to try and make you guys happy like i usually do, today is not the day, IM SORRY BUT LEAVE. i already have to go to that stupid thing. i mean, woo im getting honored, awesome but. im so. annoyed. right. now. BLEH-
no one is really completely kind. its sad, but i think its true. people are mean on accident, in some cases. like you. you’re a really good person, so im positive you dont mean to be so irritating, infuriating, and confusing. but you are. so i wanna punch you. but not really. id never want to hurt you. dammit.
frustration is not funny. xD everyone thinks it is though, and i cant even express my frustration ever, because i KNOW everyone will laugh, and i know that will frustrate me to tears. like when i take a math test. and i get so frustrated at myself, i sit there, crying because im so frustrated that i am so unintelligent. it is one of the many, many stupid things i think about too much, and cry about too much.
i used to cry once or twice every day, no joke. that is nothing to be proud of, and im not at all. im such a damn wimp, and i despise it. first id cry because i disliked myself so much because i cant do anything, and then id cry because jayson would get mad at me for thinking in such a way, and i really dislike when people i really like are mad at me. its the worst feeling, when someone you love is really mad at you, or really disappointed. i mean, it was so bad that he almost broke up with me, because he was so tired of my terrible self esteem. and i tried, and tried and tried to fix it, and i did get better. im even better now, i think. he still said that i wasnt trying hard enough though, still said i kept being too depressed about things that werent true… and now, most of the time, i just dgaf. yeah, i think i suck at everything, but i just dont care. xD i dont see why it matters anymore, i want to know whats important but i really have nothing that is at the moment. when did, do, i ever? i dont understand.
i could probably type for hours, go in circles and talk about nothing. but i have to get dressed and shit. i dont want to do this, my day has been so bleh. my stomach hurt so badly 3rd block; it ALWAYS hurts badly 3rd block. especially near the end. im so lame, so lame. i dont even know what im trying to accomplish. i dont even know really, why im typing this. i dont know what to say anymore.
ALL
[ Posted Sun, 21 Nov 2010 22:53:00 ]
I WILL EVER BE IS FREAKING CONFUSED. NOTHING MAKES SENSE, I DONT MAKE SENSE, NO ONE ELSE MAKES SENSE. GODDAMMIT. i always want to know, i always want to understand. and it just. doesnt happen! i just never know! so ill just STAY FREAKING CONFUSED. FOREVER. BLEHHH. IAMSERIOUSLYNOTUNDERSTANDING.
lololololololololololololololol high school is so funny! XD i laugh at my own ridiculousness, because ! IM SUCH A GIRL AHAHAHAHAHAAA. wow. i was tired before, but my random surge of energy is just. REALLY DUMB. and now ill never go to sleep. at least ill get to do my math homework! AT LEAST MATH MAKES FUCKING SENSE!! THATS WHY I LOVE IT SO MUCH! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 i heart you math. you never let me down or confuse me! well i mean, sometimes i do get frustrated, but thats only MY fault, not yours! <3 <3 <3 HAAAAA IM INSANEEE I TELL YEEEE. i want to run around my house screaming how much i like math and how much NOTHING ELSE makes sense, but my mom just told me to go to bed. DARNNIT. WHAT AM I TO DO. WHAT. AM I. TO DO.
LOLOLOLOLOLOL LIFEEEEEEEE
Tagged with: IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE, frustration, lol, I CANT STOP LOOKING AT IT, FUCKKKKKK
ITS K ITS JUST HIGH SCHOOL
[ Posted Sun, 21 Nov 2010 22:36:37 ]
Tagged with: srsly, its k
Put your mouse on this picture.
[ Posted Sun, 21 Nov 2010 21:02:47 ]
i find myself to be extremely pathetic,
[ Posted Sun, 21 Nov 2010 20:23:00 ]
that is, when i act like this. i really cannot even comprehend how it happens, but it does. i wish i could make it stop, perhaps im not trying hard enough, maybe i need to try harder? (naw bro, maybe i just need to stop being so damn dramatic all the time. XDD )
i feel nearly nothing but sadness and frustration right now. i am rather upset. and it makes me even more upset, that there is no reason. i cant find one. i wonder why im so unhappy, i search for the reason, the answer, and there isnt one. and that is exactly whats so fucking pathetic. how can someone be so sad without reason? how is nothing causing this? it happens to me all the time, although i dont think its happened extremely recently… i constantly wonder if i was just meant to be unhappy my whole life, but thats such a stupid, dramatic, annoying thing to think, i literally punch myself every time i think such a thing. i hate people like myself, and yet i do not change. i am probably the biggest hypocrite i know. I cannot claim to have problems. I cannot claim that my life is not good. i have never, ever understood why exactly i think in such ways, but i would really like it if my mind would STOP IT. i cant even be nice to people at the moment, and i feel bad. i tried, to not sound like such a d-bag to my mother in the car, i love my mommy. but i just wanted to cry, and i couldnt even figure out why, and i STILL want to cry, and i STILL cant figure out why. no wonder shell and sam and hunter all hated me for that one period of time, reading my blog when i was at my most melodramatic-ist. no wonder i dont have a boyfriend! xD although, when i do have one, i know not to say stupid shit like this. i mean, it would piss me off too if my girlfriend just went off being retarded and dramatic for no reason. goddammit.
perhaps i should dgaf a little less. :P i was walking to the bathroom tonight at play practice, and the one hallway was so dark, i couldnt see anything. and i thought, oh, there must be a murderer here, that would be so perfect! and so i spoke to this murderer that i thought was there, and i said. ‘hey there. i know you are out there, and i know you are going to murder me. oh, its so terrible, because i just have so much to live for.’ except that my comment to no one was heavily laced with sarcasm, and i thought of how freaking retarded i was, and i should probably get myself together, and stop dgaf-ing so much.
but im just not sure what to care about. and i honestly dont have a reason to live, i wonder all the time why im existing. but it doesnt really bother me, that i have no purpose. i suppose ill just exist, and try and be happy, since i really really like being happy. i just usually try and make other people happy, thats one of my favorite things to do anyways, so ill just stick with that (although, its pretty hard to make someone else happy when you arent happy yourself…). i mean. being happy obviously feels much better than being sad all the time. i just feel really pathetic right now, then again i do most of the time. and, i always forget that someone reads these until im just about done. then i remember, once again, i dont care who thinks what about me, because im going to say what i want to say, im going to creep if i want to creep, im going to wear what i want to wear, and im going to do what i want to do, and if someone doesnt like it, well they can kindly tell me. and i will kindly tell them that i really just dont give a flying fuck.
but just for the record, i obviously do not think like this all the time. that would be freaking ridiculous, and i probably would have killed myself by now if i felt this way every moment of my life. xD
>D
[ Posted Sun, 21 Nov 2010 13:04:46 ]
im excited, because at the end of the community play, we get to sing christmas songs. and we can start out singing one by ourselves if we want, then the rest of the cast joins.. AND I ASKED MY MOMMY WHAT HER FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG WAS, AND SHE SAID ‘WHAT CHILD IS THIS’ AND I ASKED MY DIRECTOR IF I COULD SING THAT AND SHE SAID YES. and i bet… my mommy is going to cry. x) i was just practicing it, and she wanted me to sing it more, she said it was so pretty, BUT SHE DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHY I WAS SINGING IT EHEHEHE. surprise for mommyyyy! :D :D :D I LOVE MAKING PEOPLE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!
ive been so damn hyper lately. xD
i just want to run around and scream, and not finish cleaning, and if it wasnt so cold outside and if i wasnt such a damn pansy ID GO SWINGING but i dont feel like being in the cold CAUSE IM A WIMP AND I DONT LIKE IT. BWAHHH. XD last night christinas party was really silly, because i would say random things, or scream them, and jamie would laugh every single time, like i swear shed just COME OUT OF NOWHERE just to LOL at me, and tell me im cute, and michelle and i are the cutest things ever, so then we just act like lesbians.. WOOOO. i thought it was funny, because at my party, christina was telling everyone her party was going to be better… BUT IT WASNT AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAHAHA. -im allowed to be a bitch about that because SHE WAS FIRST ALALALALAA- damn. i really love the people that i love. how intelligent was that statement. :D BUT SRSLY. DEY IZ DA BESSSTTTTAA.
and also i think i should never ever drink caffeine like. ever again. xD I WANT TO BE WITH PEOPLE RIGHT NOW. IM ALL ALONE BECAUSE KELSEY AND MALLY LEFT AWHILE AGO. AND NOW IM LONELYYYYY AND I WANT TO GO CRAZY INSANE RETARDED BUT. its not as fun by myself. XD
and my dads gonna be mad when he finds out im going shopping with jessica wednesday, because he wants me to CLEAN! ahahahahaa. UMAD
-goes back to read recent posts for no reason (because i do that sometimes), and realize how much of a ho i sound like. soooper doooper- i suppose if i honestly dgaf-ed, i wouldnt have said anything about it at all. i remember talking to someone before, because they wondered why i never wore low cut shirts or something. and i was like, because it makes me uncomfortable, and people would think i was a slut. and they were like, well, dont you not care about what people think of you? and i was like.. well yeah, most of the time, but i dont want people thinking im like that. i mean, thats just degrading. for some reason, thats the only thing i wish for people not to think of me. i dont even know why it matters, i cant explain it. its just something that im not.. im not a ho. XD the only reason ive seemed like one lately (because apparently i have to jayson. thanks jayson. love you too.) is probably just because no one ever likes me back, so i just have to keep searching. but its not my fault.. so fuck you jayson! xP …-sigh- im pathetic. OHWELL.
sometimes, i really hate how stupid i sound. xD nothing at all was accomplished in this post. so awesome.
heh.
[ Posted Fri, 19 Nov 2010 22:46:47 ]
WSDHVDFUVHSZKDMSDCIKJNZSCIOSFJCNSDUJCVHNZXUJCSDBNVU
JSDBNVSVSNOTHINGAHFIZSFJASLOIHANSFUASDFSMAKESASHFSUDFHSDU
SDFHSDUIFSDSDSENSESDFHSDUFHNSDFUAFSFSDSFSFSFGASFUASIAQFIO
CIASXMQAIRETUPASCVNCJUSMOAVOIDSJVFDBNSDFUBSSDFVNSVN
fuck you!
[ Posted Mon, 15 Nov 2010 23:02:26 ]
goddammit!
meow.
[ Posted Thu, 04 Nov 2010 22:29:00 ]
im steadily getting happier, because im steadily getting busier. one of the reasons ive been so sad that haunt is over, is that now i have nothing to do. its mostly because im going to miss every single friend i made there, but its also because now ill be home, and bored. also, my ancient phone has been frustrating me so much lately. it has not wanted to work properly. but i am very happy, because my phone troubles are about to be over. my mother decided that the time to get a new phone is NOW, and it will probably come in before my birthday, which is freaking awesome. its just more convenient to have a phone that ACTUALLY works, and one that will ACTUALLY get service where i live.
i forgot how much i loved that community play i was in. i felt really bad, inconveniencing my mother to take me all the way to ashland, i despise inconveniencing people. especially my mommy. but she says she doesnt mind, shes really happy that i get a chance to do such a thing. i love you, mommy. im also excited, because tonight i got to meet some new people! i love making new friends, it really is exciting. xD its ironic, because jayson isnt doing the play this year, but my new husband is also named jason! hes pretty cute, and nice, im glad hes not a creep. :D he laughed when i was sort of talking to myself, and i said the word ‘lawling’, which isnt really a word at all, but still. my mom said that she thought someone said he goes to r-mc, but ill have to ask on sunday.
im also excited for whenever i see my brother! hes not my real brother but. i mean, i act like his is. ANYWAYS. he cant come to my birthday party ): but he promised me that hed take me out to eat wherever i wanted one night! hes so sweet. :3 although i dont like going out to eat, i havent spent time with just nick in a really long time, and now that he can drive, we will be able to hang out more often. :D im very very happy about this, i miss my dear brother. and since he lives in ashland, and thats where i go for play practice, i may be able to chill with him before rehearsal a few nights. :D
im not in a bad mood right now. :D ima try really hard not to ruin it. xD because i almost just did. but im not going to think about that. LALALALALALA. -prances and sings away-
lol.
[ Posted Tue, 02 Nov 2010 16:00:01 ]
leave it to me to find someone awesome-who also thinks that im awesome- that lives in essex. life, youre the best. actually, im the best, because i cant drive because im a pansy.
and i hate my fucking ancient phone. xD
and why am i such a pedo, too? rawr, im a pedo bear. i have no idea why i always like younger boys. whats up with me.
goddammit. i sound like such a complainer. good thing i dont give a fuck. thats what this is for, anyways. its for whatever i want it to be for, and i want it to be for my stupid rants that really have no purpose. just me being a whiney, spoiled bitch. growl.
U SO MAD.
[ Posted Sat, 30 Oct 2010 11:29:28 ]
goddammit goddammit goddammit. i feel as though my thoughts are so bitter lately. i dont know why. what happened to apathy. xD i mean, i still dont generally care about most things, like what people think of me. i just. i dont know. people are making me so frustrated, im so irritated, so bitter towards them, but only in my mind. im not that much of a bitch, come on. i only sometimes express such bitter thoughts aloud. im usually straightforward with my feelings towards people but. im not going to hurt the feelings of someone i actually like. most people cant take insults, as much as they pretend that they can. i know for sure that i can take insults, simply because my self esteem is so low i usually agree with what they are saying anyways. i have found myself sighing at my own thoughts, as pathetic as that sounds. sometimes i dont like how my mind works, but that is nothing new at all. i just want to give up, on everything. but i cant. goddammit.
blech.
[ Posted Thu, 28 Oct 2010 20:45:52 ]
ive been in such bad moods lately, i have no idea why. everyone is pissing me off. i just want to say ‘fuck you’ to anyone i see. goddamn. i dont even know why someone like me exists.
gryblk:
i like silly, awkward, cute faces. yayy. :3
YOU'RE INFURIATING.
[ Posted Wed, 27 Oct 2010 19:44:44 ]
YES, YOU. YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. D<
goddammit.
U MAD
[ Posted Mon, 25 Oct 2010 17:22:00 ]
YES, I MAD. XD why? because im a bitch. and a ho. im a bitchy ho. :P see theres this kid. and when i first met him i was like yeah, maybe ill like him. but then he was like, oh i might be bi i dont know. so hunter was like hes mine, back off. and i was like k, k, theres plenty of fish in the sea. then he decided he was straight, and hunters acting like he doesnt really care but i know that he really does. and so, the guys been chillin with me for a few days. everything he says is like, completely awesome. xD and hes really awkward and its funny. hes also rather adorable, and soft. sometimes he says things that arent entirely intelligent, but it seems im not the type of person intelligent people like anyways (well, besides omar.. and i guess hunter tooooo). i feel slightly embarrassed, although thats stupid. this is in such a public place, but i feel like its safer than putting it on my actual blog because hunter will read it and thats not good. although here, the other hunter can read it and thats not all that great either, although i doubt hed read some longass pointless thing i wrote anyways, but if you do read this hunter, youd be the only one to understand it, and that kind of bothers me a little, so just pretend like you have no idea what im talking about. … im not confusing at all! oh yeah and i suppose jordan could read it as well but. OH WELL. I DONT CARE ENOUGH. DGAF
anyways. its not my fault at all that hes so cute. and i dont really mean how he looks, although he is rather attractive too.. x) not my fault that hes so kind either. and.. i know exactly how dramatic i sound, i assure you. but oh well. the other night, he said i was beautiful. it was the most sincere compliment ive heard in a long time. because i dont know how to take compliments, and im terrible at it, i just put my face in my hands and my hands in between my legs. it was really weird. and then he kept going on about it, and if it wasnt so dark, he would have seen how red my face was. jeez, what am i. xD im a freaking wimp. goddammit.
and of course, if anything ever did happen with him.. that wouldnt be good. hunter would be sad. i mean, i dont understand that, and i think its completely ridiculous. my two best friends dated the same guy i dated after me. eryn is probably going to date tyler, even though she said i couldnt date kyle (not that id want to), the hypocrite. people get so upset if you dated their ex. i dont get it. i mean, hunter never dated this kid but stillll. its like the same thing. i dont get mad about that shit, and i dont understand why its such a big deal. jayson didnt get mad when his best friend started to like me? the world just needs to follow mine and jaysons examples. xD
so im a bitch. and a ho. and everyone keeps saying how this other boy likes me, and they are all wrong and really annoying because i dont want to hear it anymore. its an established fact (that he does not like me) and everyone should get over it and stop bugging me about it, because im not sad, and i dont care how cute you think wed be. i dgaf dgaf dgaf. BLEH. sdbfhjsdgbujshngisfs
hahaaaa, im so dumb.
[ Posted Thu, 21 Oct 2010 19:45:00 ]
its amazing how much better my day gets, just by talking to that boy. he is so damn sweet, why oh why did he have to go to china. i miss him everyday. it sucked so much when we never talked anymore, damn shane, he caused it. but now we do again, or at least we have been today, he woke up at 4 am because of mosquitoes, good thing my msn was on. ive been talking to him since 4 pm our time, hes exactly 12 hours ahead. which is so much easier to calculate than some weird number. xD but our schedules dont match at all. xD next time im talking to him is when i get back from haunt tomorrow night, at like 1:30. i knew id never feel lonely with him to talk to. so now i feel better. yes, im that pathetic. i dont care, i dont care anymore. im not going to lie about how i feel, to make myself sound less pathetic because.. why does it even fucking matter? no one else cares anyways! its not fair at all, the first boy to ACTUALLY like me back has to go to china two weeks after i start talking to him.. my luck is rotten. it probably wont get any better either, im too obnoxious, creepy, and all those other bad things. xD OH WELL. im more content now than ive been in awhile so. id rather not place my contentness in the hands of someone so far away but. THAT IS WHAT IT HAS COME TO.
i think im still stunned. stunned how easily he accepts me. hes such a good little christian boy. and im so.. not good. i mean, i could be SO SO SO much worse, im really not that bad compared to a lot of people but still. he doesnt even care. it doesnt matter to him, im still the same even after he read my ‘bad letter’ on his way to china. it just. it doesnt make sense. people like that dont like me. and hes just.. hes so nice. im so incredibly undeserving. which is why hes in china, or thats my theory at least. xD i dont deserve to have him for a long time, two weeks was all i was allotted. the only thing thats weird, is hes alot like jayson. just not as dumb. which was my only huge problem with jayson. hes still not too intelligent though, but oh well. hes not an idiot, thats all that matters.
but i mean. just because im talking to brandon again doesnt mean im not going to stop my search! xD we decided long ago, instantly, that that is much too long of a distance for a relationship. xD we dont like each other THAT much, ahaaa! but yeah. i still want someone. :P but i feel better now. so WOO. no more frustration! or loneliness! at least not for now! XD
shellojello:
I hate how people get respect by being a complete asshole.
I hate how people give assholes the respect.
coincidence
[ Posted Wed, 20 Oct 2010 17:23:47 ]
i stopped posting my explosions of words. i guess its because i just didnt feel like it. but now i feel like it again. boy, do my feet smell terrible.
today i realized my birthday is in about two weeks. thats pretty awesome. i love my birthday. mostly because i like having a shitton of people at my house, going crazy and having fun. but then, im also unsure about this year. because im turning 18 and all. freedom is so close, i can nearly taste it. but, i dont know if im going to take the freedom or not. for many years, i planned on going crazy when i turned 18, and doing everything i had previously not been allowed to do. ever since my mom told me that no matter what i did, they would never kick me out of the house. yet now, with my birthday right around the corner, it seems pretty rude. my parents have done quite a lot for me, quite a lot more than most parents. they are protective, because they care. ive known this all along, but i get so frustrated when im told what to do. its something i dislike very much, and when im told what to do, i turn into a child, and attempt to do the exact opposite. its just how i am.
one day i was going to finish my r-mc personal statement, i had decided that earlier. when i got home, my mom told me to do it at LEAST three times, and that made me so insanely frustrated that i decided not to do it at all that day, and to procrastinate it for much longer. i cant stand frustration, and ive been feeling it alot these days. I WONDER WHY. dammit. i need to get over it. but this is one emotion, that i cant seem to get over. i can get over anything else. but frustration? i cant. it eats at me, and keeps going, and its what makes me cry the most. i used to cry all the time when i couldnt make something work how i wanted to, because i was so frustrated. i used to cry all the time in english, because it frustrated me how stupid i was, and how i had no skill in writing whatsoever, even though omar told me i wasnt stupid, and i didnt suck at writing because i wrote things to him all the time and all this other stuff, but i am deaf when i am frustrated.
and im typing all this stuff about being frustrated, because i am right now. and i dont even really know why, well i mean i know partially why but thats not enough to drive me so insane. i just want everyone to shut up, i want to not exist right now, and dive into a different world, whether it be through a book, an anime, or a game. but i cant, because i chose instead to make my father happy, and go with him to enas tennis thing, and work out and get thai food. and i dont understand, even when i do things like this to make him or my mother happy, they still find it necessary to tell me what to do whenever they walk into the same room as i am in. its so irritating, why do parents, or anyone in power really, abuse their power so. i believe parents should be more compromising, im not saying go and let your kid do stupid shit, but this is just ridiculous.
back to the thing about being an adult. i always imagined feeling great, because i could just go do whatever i wanted to, and they couldnt stop me. i could have huge fun sleepovers with ALL of my friends, not just girls. i would be left out no more, when all my friends are having fun in their big sleepover that i cant go to, because theres boys there, because they are OBVIOUSLY going to rape me because i am THAT appealing. i hate being left out, almost more than anything. i hate being left out when it has to do with my restrictions, i dont care if someones doing stuff and they just didnt invite me, that kind of leaving out im used to. and i thought, finally, i wont be left out anymore. finally, at anime conventions i can stay with all my friends and not a group of bitchy girls along with a bitchy mom. i can stay in a room with 10 people crowded everywhere, sleeping over each other on the floor, yeah that sounds gross to some people, but comforting to me. yes, im an adult, i can hang out with whatever boy i feel like hanging out, whenever i feel like hanging out with him, regardless if there is an adult present. its not like im going to DO IT, mom and dad. but apparently you dont believe me, which i think is REALLY AWESOME. yes, i can go do whatever i want, without having a parent there, yes i can go to richmond and chill with my friends that live there, yes i can go on FREAKING WALKS outside when its dark (although i do that one anyways because its simply ridiculous that i cant, no one even knows our neighborhood exists, how would i get stolen), yes i can go over michelles house when i want, yes i can leave for extended periods of time, yes yes yes there are too many things to list.
but then. i feel bad. because i appreciate my parents. they dont think i do, which is also irritating, but i do. and doing what i want to do, and not what they want me to do, isnt exactly showing my appreciation. but im so tired, im so crazy, im so frustrated . i despise being told what to do, especially by my parents. i dont appreciate the yelling, the raised tone of voice, what did i do to deserve that? im not a bad kid. but they constantly act like i am, and you know what that makes me want to do? go out and show them. go out and be that bad kid they make me out to be. sometimes i wish i could ruin my life just to look at them and say HA, ITS YOUR FAULT. but that would impact me more than them, so thats out. its unhealthy, really. children need some freedom, or else they are just gonna explode and do bad shit. my friend told me about her friend (sounds unreliable, right) who had military parents, who were super strict. as soon as she got into college, she did a ton of hard drugs, and had a bunch of sex, and she was failing her classes and had to drop out. i bet she showed her parents how bad of a kid they always made her out to be. i can only imagine the satisfaction.
if only, if only. i wonder what ill do. because, everyone in my maze wants to have this giant sleepover party at dylans apartment near vcu, and i want to go so badly, i told them to wait after im 18. i think ill go. idk how ill go about this but. meh. i dont want to be restricted anymore. its not like im going to drink, or do drugs, or have sex there. i just wanna chill with a bunch of cool people. thats why im so frustrated. if i really was a bad kid, and did all that shit, it would make sense. BUT WHATEVER. IM JUST GONNA GO. FUCKSHITUP BLEHHH. jk. ima go do something else, because ive been ranting for quite awhile, and none of its made me feel any less frustrated. growl.
"Thank you for nothing, you useless reptile."
[ Posted Tue, 19 Oct 2010 21:23:15 ]
agentdonovan:
I love this movie so much.
dreamle.
[ Posted Fri, 08 Oct 2010 16:12:29 ]
i feel like im in a dream again. im tired, i couldnt sleep very well last night. i decided that once you love someone, you pretty much always love them, although its not necessarily the best idea to be with them again. its odd to believe such a cliche saying. if i wasnt in this dream-like state, i would be really annoyed about being home at the moment. xD so im glad i feel like this is a dream. it feels good. i might lay on the trampoline, i dont know. if i wasnt so tired id take a walk. so calm, so slow, thats how i feel life is right now. my perspective changes way too much, i am such a child. not that thats a bad thing. the only thing i really wish for at the moment, is someone. i just dont know who.
shallow.
[ Posted Thu, 07 Oct 2010 21:42:33 ]
NEKKID
is it really so wrong of me, to love those plaid shirts on boys?
i honestly cant help it, they look so good, on all the boys who wear them. why, i even saw this little boy at stonewall that had a dark blue one on, and he was simply precious. i hate being attracted to such a thing as the clothes on someones back but.. really, i have no idea why. they are just so pretty. XD
i feel
[ Posted Tue, 05 Oct 2010 20:55:06 ]
like i could just lay down, in maybe michelles bed because its much more comfortable than my own, and fall asleep, forever. or at least until i get the fuck over myself. because im more than mildly tired of myself, and my thoughts. i wish i could understand the origin of my beliefs. why do i think in such a way? i wish i could have stopped my thought process from turning into such a thing. please, please. just let me fall asleep. fall asleep and dream. dream forever, dream of things that dont make sense, things that arent realistic, dreams dreams dreams. i just want to dream, and escape.
fuck.
[ Posted Mon, 04 Oct 2010 17:45:45 ]
i curse too much. xD but thats not the point. :P i dont even know what im thinking anymore. like, i cant seem to understand my own thoughts. i dont know what i want, and i dont know why i live. i hate being so dramatic, but then again, i dont really give a fuck if anyone reads this and thinks im dramatic, because.. why should i give a fuck? why should i care what some other person thinks of me? i have no reason, therefore, i do not care. pathetic, pathetic, thats the kind of person i really am.
i fucking
[ Posted Sat, 02 Oct 2010 01:55:32 ]
love everyone who works at haunt. and i fucking hate everyone who doesnt. xD everyone who goes through the mazes are such assholes. i love at the beginning of work, where you get to hang out with all the super awesome people that work there, and then the end, where everyone is dying except for me. it was hilarious, at like 12:20 when we could go back to put away our costumes, i was jumping and running and screaming TACO BELL everywhere, because hunter said we were going to taco bell. i was so excited to be with such wonderful people, and to be done with the fucking shitty people of the world. i felt like shit all day, my stomach hurt, and when i first got to haunt, i was just like fuck this, i dont want to do it, i dont care about anything and i dont see the point, blehhh. but i dont fucking care if there is no point! i live without a meaning, and sometimes im depressed about that, but sometimes i embrace it like its the best thing ive ever discovered. and thats how i felt at the end of haunt tonight. it was wonderful, in the locker room thing, hunter and i were being super loud and obnoxious, and fist pumping the air and screaming taco bell. then dylan, jordan, and a few of my other new friends all screamed it back, and then the whole locker room was screaming taco bell and fist pumping, and it was so hilarious. xD i love them. i hate when haunt is over. i hope i go to r-mc so i can work it again x)
flippys.
[ Posted Thu, 30 Sep 2010 20:46:00 ]
my stomach has been doing flippys everywhere. am i really this excited? or could it be nerves? no, i am never nervous, for i believe its ridiculous to be nervous about most things, especially something as this. and im certainly not scared, oh no. im alright with rejection. i think i must get a kick out of awkward atmospheres though, cause im just weird like that. they are especially amusing to me, is it really that fun to feel uncomfortable? what an odd child i am… it really is exciting, it has to be, because whenever i think about doing it my stomach flips a million times. ive been thinking about it too long, that must be the reason for my raised excitement. i really am an impatient child. i will have to endure these stomach flippys all of tomorrow, oh my. and depending on the outcome, i may have the flippys for many weeks to come. but im not expecting that, oh no. oh no no no. that would be quite nice, but no, i never think that way. id rather not be disappointed. although its rather hard not to think that way, as my mind gets especially excited about these types of things. how shall i sleep! my oh my child, calm down. x)
(:
[ Posted Wed, 29 Sep 2010 19:56:37 ]
im pretty damn happy right now. im quite silly, actually. xD i have no legitimate reason to be so content. i just am, and this is my favorite kind of happiness. im not looking at tomorrow or the next as a tiring day of pointless school. im not thinking, oh damn, i have to go unload the dishwasher. im simply existing; although i believe without a purpose, nevertheless, nothing can bother me right now. i do wish it wasnt raining, so i could go swing, or take a walk, or lay on my trampoline idly, all of which i have recently taken a liking to. but instead, i shall sit comfortably in my bed, and read this extremely interesting star wars book that is part of my new AP star wars curriculum, distributed to me today by my fantastic professor. ah, happiness and tranquility.
words.
[ Posted Tue, 28 Sep 2010 17:39:57 ]
even with all the words i use (and i use a lot of words xD ), i dont think ill ever be able to get across what i really mean, and how i really feel. i go back, and read things ive written, and i look at it from different perspectives. it all looks so wrong. and theres no way i can even come close to expressing myself with anything else. XD
no, i know what it is. i, myself, dont even really know what my own feelings are. so how can i explain them to anyone else?
BLEH. oh well. i dont care if people misunderstand. i dgaf. :P im tired of being frustrated all the time, because thats really the only emotion i hate feeling. and i feel it quite alot. im frequently frustrated, because, because! i never know. i honestly feel like i never know anything.
i just wanted to
[ Posted Mon, 27 Sep 2010 16:52:00 ]
clarify. not sure if you will ever read this, but hey, its not going to hurt anything to type up my thoughts.
i thought about how you said, you didnt see how i could see so many attractive things in people. and i thought, i really dont. XD i mean. i can find at least a few positive things about most people. but i think, if i start liking someone, and i like them enough, then ill just learn to ignore their flaws. they usually arent big enough to be a problem, because i can put up with a lot. xD im not sure why i do, but i do. i decided i dont want to put up with so much shit though, and this is why i have been planning on breaking up with that dumb kid shane, who i havent considered my boyfriend for like a week. XD it sounds harsh, but sometimes i forget he exists. :P thats how bad of a judge of people i am, i suppose. anyways, now im just rambling.
because i can get used to a person, i suppose this is why most of my relationships have been long, although soon its going to be half and half. ill go into details, more for my own sake than yours.
grant alvis was my first boyfriend. i would really rather not count him, but i have to. it was 8th grade though, so it wasnt super legit. i dated him for two weeks, i ignored him at the dance because i wanted to break up with him, and at the end, one of his friends came up to me and told me he was breaking up with me, and i looked over at grant and he already had a little slut in his arms. i thought it was pretty funny.
you probably dont know this kid, but his names hunter pernell. hes in a grade lower than us. i dated him for a year and four days exactly, and i thought i loved him. mind you, i was 14/15. he was fairly smart, i found him funny, he was very nice to me, he was weird, and hes probably the prettiest boy i have ever seen in real life. he lied to me all the time, but i just told myself to believe him because that was much easier, and i didnt have to create conflict. then, my best friend told me that hunter told her boyfriend that he cheated on me, and thats why he broke up with me. i told him that i was okay with that, and i was completely content that he had found someone else and that she made him happy when i couldnt. then he went and told me he didnt cheat on me, and well that was the only thing that made me mad. later, he apologized, and told the truth but.. hes just kind of dumb, thats all i got.
i really only dated omar because he was my best friend, and he was ‘in love’ with me, and because hunter told me to. so i suppose his qualities didnt have a factor in this. in 8th grade, i had dated him once for a month and once for a week, but i dont really count those, since i dated him for much longer in 9th/10th grade. all i wanted to do was make omar happy. and i went about it the completely wrong way. i mean, i did sort of have feelings for him, but they were no where near as strong as the ones he had for me. an imbalance of feelings is never good, ive found. i realized that no matter what i did i could never make him happy, and it was almost like with hunter all over again, because i couldnt make hunter happy either. and omar was extremely paranoid, and accused me of liking all these other boys and such, and i was tired of it, and realized nothing i could do would help him, so i was going to break up with him, but then he broke up with me on aim. he thought that we would get back together, and thats the only reason he did that. i had been ignoring him by going to play halo 3 all day long, and watching anime and telling him i couldnt talk, so he figured something was up… but yeah. i believe it was 9 months and 6 days.
i dont know why i started liking jayson. i really dont. because frankly, he is an idiot. i dont know what my problem was. but we dated, and it was obvious i liked him more than he liked me. i just. i dont get it. i suppose, i felt slightly better about myself by dating him. which sounds completely horrible, but if its any consolation, i didnt think of that until after we broke up. because hes just not very good at anything, and im not very good at anything either, but at least im better than him at some things, and i dont know. i cant think of any positive qualities he has, except for his kindness. he is terribly sweet. one day i told him he wasnt funny at all, and he got pretty mad at me, but i thought THAT was funny. xD somehow, he ended up being obsessed with me in much the same way omar was, and started accusing me of all these things, and i couldnt take it anymore. so he asked me if i wanted to break up, after about a year and a month of being together, and i said yes.
i often forget i dated tyler childress. i really liked him. alot. he was just.. one of the most fun people to talk to. hes very intelligent, and witty, and silly at the same time. i suppose the only bad thing i can think of him, is he perhaps does too many drugs and such, but it is his choice so. XD i was so incredibly happy to be dating him, i tried not to be too obnoxious because once again, it was obvious i liked him more. but he told me, that he felt happy, and like everything was right. he was another depressed boy, i have a pattern of liking miserable boys it seems (hunter, omar, shane). i guess, i feel like i need to make them happy. and i really want to make them happy, but its like.. they wont let me help them. -.- and so.. two weeks after we had been dating, he called me up on the phone. for some reason, i cried. i sobbed. after all of the long relationships i had, after all those breakups of NOT CRYING, i cried, for something that lasted two weeks. i had no idea why i cried, and i didnt understand at all, i was angry at myself for being so weak. when i look back, i think its because i didnt have enough time with him. i had enough time with those other boys, yet not enough with this one. after about 20 minutes, i was over it, but still. dumb.
and then we come to shane. i saw him at mcdonalds, on the second day of school when i had early release. we talked for hours, and he came over my house the next day (incidentally, the same day i started thinking i might like this other kid. which is the kid i like right now.). he kissed me and asked me out, and i just thought, well why not. WRONG DECISION. that was much too rushed, and i should have been thinking about that, but i wasnt. he was saying how he thought we would be together for so long, and yadayada, and that just frightened me. he told me he just wanted to love someone again, which also scared me. and i just replied… i just want to make someone happy? XD and thats when i knew, i couldnt really be with him for too long, because.. well.. duh. and hes still in love with my good friend kayla. also, hes really sexual, and i told him i wasnt going to have sex until i was 18, but he took that as, i will have sex with you when im 18, when thats not at all what i was meaning. and hes really dumb. and everything he says now annoys me. and i just. cant stand the thought of him, cause hes gross! and i think im really sooper dooper dumb. and this will finally end tomorrow, around 2:00 at mcdonalds, where i shall tell him goodbye. and i will not shed a tear, no siree. XD i cant believe i dated him longer than i dated tyler. thats just depressing.
AND NOW IM A WOMAN ON THE PROWL. BETTER WATCH OUT!
… i really have no idea. im a creep. :{D
seriously though. i figure my next relationship will be pretty freaking awesome. it would have to be, after all those shitheads. x) also, im not lookin for anything serious. i never have been looking for anything serious. XD IT JUST HAPPENS. i guess, im just really comfortable with people, and so i dont try to get them to leave if nothing is wrong. im still extremely comfortable with jayson, even though he is an idiot, and its weird, but its kind of nice to have such a good friend like him. but yeah. cool. :P
too much.
[ Posted Sun, 26 Sep 2010 19:15:37 ]
i suppose i just have a lot to say. or rather, there is much to think about when there is nothing to do. im not sure. either way, i guess ive gotten used to just typing up stuff on my breaks.
my jaw hurts like hell. its because i need the side effects from the drugs to go away to properly do my homework, so i decided id rather feel pain in my face then be too dizzy in my head to do my homework. they still havent all worn off yet though, im going to wait a bit more before i start my math homework. although, i already wrote down all the problems. and i think i must be very, very weird, as i could feel the excitement rising in me, while i was writing down those problems. the excitement of solving those math problems. what a dork i am. xD i cant help it, one of the things that makes me happy, is math. although, math also frustrates me sometimes, when i cant get it right. because i let myself believe that im good at math. and then when i cant do a problem, its extremely upsetting. i need to get over it, frankly. xD
i keep trying to sing, but i cant because it hurts to open my mouth. xD ahaha. and i think this is funny. yes, yes, i have problems. x) im laughing at myself, because im really quite ridiculous. i spoke to becca on the phone today, really to ask her about what exactly i had to do for french. but then we ended up talking about boys because well.. i suppose thats just what girls do. xP but then, i dont like telling people who i like. because all of them get my hopes up. kelsey, michelle, and now becca, saying how we would make a cute couple, and blah blah, making me blush. no, no. i really do not like being disappointed. i told becca i was being realistic by not hoping. but she told me i always date who i like.. well thats not true. -.- i mean. i guess it happens often but. not always. and.. thats not the point! >.< bleh! im flustered. and then i told my mom! i dont know why, but my mommy loves to hear about boys, shes a silly mommy. shes very happy about this boy. she told me, thats the kind of boy i would want you to like! oh, silly mommy, how did i know you were gonna say that. okay, enough of this ridiculous talk. >.< why did i even bring it up! ah, because ive been thinking all day, so of course this is something that comes up in my mind!
on another note, im feeling less dizzy. but i still shouldnt be on the computer for too long. i dont even know why any of this is necessary, why am i doing this? ah ah ah. cause im really dumb. XDD
i just wanna run outside again, i want to go outside, and be energized, and feel good. and i cant. XD i can lay outside, which is what ive been doing. and my dad found me, laying on the deck, and simply said.. what a strange child, my daughter is. XD WELL. WHAT A STRANGE ADULT MY DAD IS! :P i think i might go out there, and do my homework. how nice that sounds!! i think i shall!! i used to go outside and read, i remember doing that. hey, i did that over the summer. xD i finished my summer reading book, outside in my sand. ah, if only when you layed on sand, it wouldnt get all in your clothes. XD maybe ill bring out a blanket! oh, but its too dark where the sand is, i need light to do homework.. i suppose ill have to go on the bottom deck, where that double swing-thing is. yes, yes, thats where ill go.
i really have no idea what the point of any of this is, it all sounds like useless ramblings. i like to go back and read all my useless ramblings over, but im not sure how it would amuse anyone to read these. youd have to be PRETTY DARN WEIRD!!! :P :P
im so glad i decided not to take those drugs for the time being! i suppose ill have to when night comes, i doubt i could sleep like this.. but i refuse to take them tomorrow! if my mom makes me, ill just pretend to take them! MUAHAHA.
one day, i went on a walk in my neighborhood with michelle. it was a beautiful night, and michelle commented on how you can see so many stars out near my house, and how you cant see that many where she lives. i really appreciate where i live, even though its inconveniently far away. i have woods, pretty trees and plants everywhere, as well as a breathtaking view of the night sky. happy happy happy. all these things put me in a good mood!
ive felt so unlike myself this weekend. perhaps its because i havent had enough energy to spaz out at everything. xD MAYBE THIS DELICIOUS JUICE IM DRINKING SHALL GIVE ME BACK MY MAGIXXX!!!?!?!!!! :D :D :D yeah, i doubt it. xD OFF TO DO ME MATH HOMEWORKS, MATEYS. TO THE DECK THINGY! WOOOOOOOOOP. -falls over in pain-
…….
-points and laughs at self-
veet and meesh.
[ Posted Sun, 26 Sep 2010 17:09:03 ]
that is, vittoria and michelle. just thought id clarify why my username is veet. because thats michelles nickname for me. and i thought it was silly. XD thats all.
its so very hot in this room, but its probably just because i feel sickly. i really want to do my math homework, but my head hurts so much, i dont think i can think properly. and i want to finish my english too, but i cant even analyze, and im trying to switch my mind over to french to write my dialogue paragraph but it simply isnt happening. my mom told me to just go to sleep, but how can i sleep when i have so much work to do. i do not want to be any more behind than i already am, and i am for sure going to school tomorrow, because i have to. i have to. im already upset that i missed english on thursday. -.-
oh, what shall i do. i shall do my best. and shane keeps calling me, i know hes just being nice and asking how im doing, but im annoyed because i have stuff to do, and talking on the phone, although i usually love it, is giving me a headache. i have to take way too many different drugs, and its messing with my mind and my body, this isnt natural, and its bothering me. and gargling with baking soda and water is seriously gross. i thought gargling with salt water was bad, but no. this is really icky. it just reminds me of the dental glue stuff, and i really, really, really hate the taste of that glue stuff.
reading the bell jar makes me sad sometimes, because i have a lot of the same ideas as the main character. i suppose theres just a difference, because i can look at both sides of things, in a way. although sometimes i dont want to get out of bed because theres no point, and i have nothing to look forward to… if i think hard enough, i can make up a point, i can decide to do something so i DO have something to look forward to. i guess that makes all the difference.
OH ITS SO HOT. and i dont want to eat! im terrified of my weight. this morning, i weighed myself. and it said 99. 99!!! just a month ago i weighed 104, and a week or two it went down to 101.2, and now 99! what is happening!! this is not good at all. perhaps its because it was in the morning? dont you weigh less in the morning? yes, i am short, but i should not weigh so little, oh dear oh dear.
i have about 6 hours left to do all my homework, i suppose thats enough. maybe ill take a break and watch some anime. i really hate this time of day. its the time of day where i always feel groggy, i always feel gross, no matter what day it is. if i am at home, this time of day is the worst, and it usually lasts until about 7 or 8. no matter what i do, the feeling doesnt shake. i dont understand what it is, but i have no energy whatsoever. ew, ew, ew.
i would love to fly away, fly away with a beanstalk.
dizzy.
[ Posted Sun, 26 Sep 2010 15:05:00 ]
well, i kinda feel like throwing up again, and im quite dizzy so this probably wont be too long of a post.
i just had to prove, that i can talk about positive things too. xD lifes lookin pretty bright. im getting paid for last night and tonight, even though i didnt work! apparently, they pay me for the work i miss, as well as all my dental bills. x) oh, i love you kings dominion. XD now i dont feel as bad for having to miss the freaking 8th for freaking chorus. :P i dont even like football games. but its okay. that shall be the only night i miss for something other than my dental problems. xD unless someone asks me to homecoming.. >.< but i think homecoming is stupid! so. yeah! >P and becca is all like. yeah but its senior year. so? why should that matter to me. >.< but i suppose i do act too much like a girl sometimes so… whatever. im not going. -.- KD is much more fun than watching sluts dance anyways. the only reason i had a really good time last year is because i went with jayson, and it was awesome because we were the only couple not dancing in a gross way. and he didnt want me to dance that way, either. which made me very happy. so, why would i go this year, with a few of my friends, who are girls, when all they are going to do is dance like animals all over each other, trying to catch other boys attention. that does not sound like a good time to me. -.- although.. i suppose, if there were a rather nice boy that asked me.. then i might have a good time. xP
SO YEAH. i have a lot of homework to do, this is why i hate missing school. xD but i dont mind, because i like reading the bell jar. i dont know how ill make up that discussion in english though. OH WELL. UGH my head hurts! NO. i shall not let this overcome me!! I WILL OVERCOME YOU, PAIN! >D >D >D SUCK ON THATTTTTTT.
i know ill be k. :D very soon, in only 4 months, ill have a sooooper doooper permanent tooth, and it will be stronger than the rest of my teeth! and i can eat anything then! and hopefully ill get my chipped bottom tooth filled soon. and even though my temporary tooth looks really dumb, i dont care. xD it does not matter to me what i look like, and i am very happy that i feel that way, because i dont really know many other people who dont care what they look like. at least, i dont know any girls, except perhaps shellers. i only dress the way i do, because its fun! xD i dont do it for anyone else.
and i really need to stop doing things i dont want to do for boys i like. no more straightening my hair, just because boys happen to like straight hair better than curly. i HATE my hair straight, and i HATE how people compliment it. its not my natural hair, why on earth would you like that better? then again, i dont really care, they have have their stupid opinions. but people like that have made girls become what they are. which is pretty much fake. they use too much makeup, too many hair products, they screw up what is supposed to be beautiful and natural, and unique, to try and look like everyone else. its sad.
i have no idea how i get off track like that! although, im not even very sure what i wanted to talk to myself about today anyways! XD ah yes, i rather like freckles, a whole lot. everyone thinks im weird for liking them, because apparently not many people appreciate freckles?!. how rude. take michelle, for example. i think she is one of the prettiest girls i have ever seen, and her freckles are the cutest thing, and they are part of what makes her so pretty, part of her natural beauty. she hates her freckles! i can never understand. and i just. i love everyones freckles. x) they are simply adorable. xP
i think ima pass out. XD i really talk way too much. so so so so much. so i better do my homework before i pass out. even though i want to watch the anime my daddy just burned me. I NEED TO DO MY HOMEWORK. cause im a good kid. :D :D :D but i hate homework. xP OH WELL. ILL GET OVER IT! >D >D >D KBAI
more explosions of words. (:
[ Posted Sat, 25 Sep 2010 18:33:00 ]
i am feeling much improved now. even though i still feel a little dizzy, and my head still hurts. my mommy cut my hair, and i really like it. i usually cut the front, and shell do the back but… ive been kind of out of it on account of drugs soooo. xD my head always feels lighter after a haircut, even if there wasnt much hair that was cut off. eryn came over, but thats not really why my mood is better now. xD
i suppose, even though i hate being alone, and doing nothing, and thinking, sometimes its good. usually, when im alone and thinking, it leads to bad things. but this time, i was really thinking about all the good things, really really thinking about them. it amazes me how i can view the world and life in two totally different perspectives. i think i might go outside to swing soon. ive been inside for too long, i love fresh air.
ive really never liked being single, and i was a bit sad after jayson, when nothing worked out. but then i started to be able to make myself content, and i realized how i dont really need anyone to be happy. i suppose i always want to be with someone though. xD its just.. its so satisfying to make someone happy. and i really dislike being alone. i like having someone to make happy, it makes me feel… useful, i guess. XD oh, that sounds kind of terrible… anyways, when i started dating shane i thought. yeah. this will be good. i can have a mature, adult relationship with him. YEAH RIGHT. and i missed being single. and being able to do what i wanted to do. and not having to listen to some whiney, woe-is-me boy all the time. theres nothing wrong with boys being emotional or sad, sometimes i think they are more so than girls, but its just. he is so annoying and immature about it all. xD i get sad about stupid stuff but he.. is just ridiculous. and i never bother anyone with my stupid sad stuff, because i figure they dont want to hear me complaining about it anyways. hahaa. but yeah. he called me today, and i was really out of it, and i was watching juno with my dad, cause it was on tv. i never watch tv, but what else am i supposed to do, laying down, doing nothing. and i dont know what he said half the time, but then he was like, ill let you go and i was like WOO. KBAI. naw. he is sweet, he is a nice guy, so i feel bad, but just… im pretty sure hes only dating me because kayla is my good friend, and he thinks im like kayla, and he still loves kayla. its understandable, but im not kayla. xD and im totally different from her. so yeah. i keep bringing him up on here but thats because im annoyed, and i feel bad that im annoyed, because he really hasnt done anything wrong. except maybe expect too much.
BUT YEAH. im feelin pretty good about life. im excited for next weekend when i get to work haunt, because i made so many new friends already, im sad i dont get to see them this weekend. i just really, really hope they dont make me be an usher. last year, some girl got beat up in a maze, and they made her be an usher. my dad wants me to change to being an usher but.. thats just no fun. ): and they get paid less! i wanna scare people, RAWR!
i thought about college today, too. and i really really need to write my personal statement for the randolph-macon application. but it needs to be really really really good. because i REALLY REALLY want to go there. and like.. i like that its close, but i also dont like it? i like it, because i can see all the people i love, like michelle and sam and eryn and hunter and everyone else that is going to jsarge or vcu, or still at lee-davis. plus, i can go and get more clothes whenever i want. xD ehehe. i dont like it, because i want to go to other places. i want to see different things. i kind of want to be on my own? i havent decided about that yet. xDD haha. im going to miss my mommy and daddy and ena. but at the same time, i want to do things that im not able to do here. BECAUSE IM A GIRL. so my parents are way too overprotective. but at least i know its cause they love me. ♥
but seriously, i need to send that, so they can give me an answer. and if the answer is yes, then i will have a stress-free year, and i will be bursting with happiness all the time. xD and if i dont make it in… i will be rather sad, and ill end up going to JMU, which isnt terrible but.. i really would like to go to r-mc. but, im always k. i can always deal. BECAUSE. LIFE…. HAPPENS. hell yeah, im clever.
MAGIC
everything.
[ Posted Sat, 25 Sep 2010 13:58:27 ]
i have it. i have everything. a four story house. more money than most people in mechanicsville. internet. my xbox. a phone. so much food. all of these materialistic things, along with both of my parents. i have both of them. and both of them love me very much. they do everything for my sister and i, they live for us. i tell myself all of this, everytime im sad. why am i so sad, when i have more than most people will ever have? what did i do to deserve all of these things, anyways? why does my best friend have to deal with all of these family problems and such, when she is so much more deserving than i am. why is it that so many people deserve so much more than they have, why is it that i have everything, when i am so, so, so undeserving. i think the same exact thing, all the time. its not fair. life isnt fair. i remember crying so much for my best friend, her pain must be worse than anything ive ever felt. how did i end up with so much, and how did so many other people end up with so little. its not right, its not fair. i dont want it, i want to give it all to people who deserve it. im a terrible, mean, spoiled, selfish child. i dont want it all… its not fair… life isnt fair, i know, i know. but it seems like nothing, nothing is fair. there has to be some things that are fair? i remember, oh i remember when my friends were all so sad. and i wished i could take all their sadness, and they could be happy, and i would be the only sad one, and that seemed fair to me. i wish i could remember when i started disliking myself, and being sad all the time. i wish i could have confidence, because boys dont like girls that arent confident. i cannot count how many times jayson was mad at me, for saying that i was terrible at this or that. thats why. thats why ! thats why nothing has worked after jayson. im not trying hard enough to like myself. but it really is difficult. as soon as i do anything wrong, my mind keeps digging the hole, and naming everything that im bad at, everything i cant do, everything that i do wrong. thats what happened at the dentist. when they were trying to figure out if my tooth had cracked all the way to the top. i was crying, and im sure they thought it was because it hurt, but it didnt hurt at all. i was thinking of how much an idiot i am, for falling on a freaking rock. and then of course, my mind just keeps finding more things to beat myself up about. and i dont understand why i do this.
fuck this. i am not sad like this all the time. i do not think like this all the time. its probably because my mouth hurts, and im on pain pills or whatever, and i just found out i had lice so my mom was all yelling at me, like i knew she would, and i felt so bad. and my head hurts and it wont stop hurting, its just annoying. i cant focus on anything, i cant do anything but lay on the freaking couch and im restless. i cant stand doing nothing, i want to do something, i want to go on a walk but i cant, because then i feel dizzy from the medicine, and my stomach will hurt. and i dont wanna eat anything because i dont want to throw up again. and i dont wanna mess up my tooth.
GODDAMMIT. there i go again, complaining complaining complaining. i think its a good thing my normal blog is private, because i dont really think people can get a good idea of who i am from what i write. i write when im upset, pretty much. its not often that i write when im happy, because.. i dont feel the need to. im too happy to be doing such things as typing to myself.
but. i am not in the worst spirits. i know ill be okay, because i know i can handle anything. im sad because im worrying the people around me, and that always makes me uneasy. i dont think im worth getting worried over, i suppose thats it. damn, damn, damn vittoria. no boy is going to like you if all you do is put yourself down. get over it. you can sing cant you. maybe you arent the smartest, but you know how to get good grades, so i suppose that counts as a skill. you arent a terrible actor, although you arent very good either.. oh dear. um. you can make bracelets ?? hahaha cause thats really important. you arent very bad at math either. i wish i could say you make people happy, but recently that has proved to not be true. and thats really all i want to do anyways. i just want to make someone happy. i want to make the people that i like, the people that i love, happy. just spending time with people is what i like to do, its what makes me happy. and so, if i can also make them happy, i will be perfectly content. i am unable to make shane happy, which is one reason i know i cannot be with him much longer. i will try and be as nice and reasonable as possible, but because hes so dramatic he will probably make it into a huge thing. but oh well. i know he will be okay. he will just go fuck someone. xP i dont understand people like that, but oh well. sometimes i feel im unable to make michelle happy, and that she only wants sam to do that. but then, she will ask me to spend time with her, and that makes me feel like im helping a little more.
well, now i feel better. even though my head really hurts and i sorta feel like throwing up. im just thinking about how useless being sad is. it really is useless, especially if you are sad too much. uselessssssss. therefore, i have stopped. cause im k. cause its just high school. :P
i dont even know why anyone follows this, because i said not to. :P but obviously, i cant complain. im the one posting all of this to such a public place. anyways, i better go back to doing nothing. i really do feel quite sickly. maybe ill watch some anime! :D idk. eryn is supposed to come over, and i want her to, but then i dont. because i feel so like. blehhh. and shes gonna be like, you are no fun. xD naw, just kidding. eryns not like that. we will probably just play kingdom hearts, and giggle and talk about things that girls talk about. man, girls are dumb. xD
actor.
[ Posted Sat, 25 Sep 2010 10:50:31 ]
man, how inconvenient this is. my mind keeps thinking, oh dear, this is life changing. how annoying. why must my mind be so dramatic? ah yes, it must be because i am an actor. sometimes i laugh at it, because its really quite ridiculous. xD im not sure why my first instinct is to make everything dramatic, but i quickly fix it. because i know, that i dont really care. i was laying in bed last night, not able to sleep. for some reason, i was thinking about jayson. and how i must have hurt him so, ignoring his feelings after we broke up. how could i be so cruel to someone i cared about so deeply? even if im not sure why i cared about him so much, i was still horrible. he must have been so sad. i think about it all the time, i reflect on my terrible actions. i did the same thing to omar, although i was fairly young so i believe that one is partially justified, because i didnt know what to do. i found it so important to get out a notebook and write jayson a letter, at 1:30 am. i dont think i ever sincerely apologized to him, although we are very good friends now. after that, jayson was pretty much off my mind. i started to think of my tooth, and how fragile that makes me. i was upset. i dont want to be fragile. and i thought, why did i have to have this temporary one for four months, not able to eat anything with my front teeth, not able to apply pressure to it, scared that i will fall down again, or someone will hit it. and i realized, its because i wanted to be able to sing still. i couldnt sing with a retainer with a fake tooth in it, i couldnt sing with a hole in my mouth. therefore, i asked him to go ahead and put in the temporary tooth and i would deal with it. i guess i made him feel bad, saying that auditions for all district chorus were in november. and when i thought about it, i was a little happy. look, i found something that matters to me. i want to make districts, and i want to make states, since i screwed up last year. but then i thought… why does that matter? why does that all matter to me? and i dont know. i dont know anything, and i will never know anything, i will never understand. and thats all i want. i just want to know. i want to know why. and how. and just. goddammit. i just want to fly. xD i just want to fly in the sky, with michelle, and everyone else i care about, just fly across grassy hills, like i did so long ago in a dream with garrett. oh, my dear cousin garrett. i miss him. my head really hurts right now, and i feel nauseous so i guess its time for me to get off the computer and lay down again. goddammit. i hate being helpless.
i suppose, in some way, these stupid rants make me feel better.
i think
[ Posted Thu, 23 Sep 2010 23:06:00 ]
that i am probably a terrible person. i think that im not very good at anything. i dont care about much, and i have no idea what really matters to me. most things that people freak out about, i just say ‘its k’ to. but then, i worry about the most ridiculous things, and i dont even understand it. i used to cry all the time, and be so depressed. and i thought i got out of that, i thought i got myself out of that hole, because i realized i didnt even care about half the shit i was depressed over. but then.. why do i still cry so much? i am not like other fucking girls. i dont want to be. i dont want to be this emotional crybaby. why cant i just be a bamf, like i am about most things. why cant i just say, fuck that, i dgaf. im a man, i can man up, cause im bamf like that. why? why do i do this. and i dont even want to complain to anybody on here, because. its stupid. i hate complaining. i fucking hate inconveniencing people. and making them sad. i cant stand it. i just want to make someone happy. ive been wanting to break up with shane, and i was going to tomorrow but now i fucking cant, cause i went and FELL ON A ROCK, because im so freaking intelligent. what the hell. top 10% of my class my ass. why the hell am i so stupid then? because grades dont fucking show intelligence, obviously. excuse my language, im very angry at myself. i thought maybe shane was the one to make happy, but no. i cant do it. i cant make him happy, if im not happy myself. and im a terrible person, because ive already starting liking someone else. and i never even like intelligent people, and i dont know why (actually, its probably because i dont think i deserve anyone that great. which is true. i dont deserve them). but hes intelligent. and interesting. and i think hes really cute, even though some people i know dont think so. not that looks matter anyways, just saying. xD and i hate my mind, because im tired of getting my hopes up. how many times have my crushes/relationships failed after jayson? a wholeeefuckingggglottttt. why? because i suck of course. because they are all like, woo, you make me happy, you make me smile vittoria. and then a few weeks, a few days later, and theyve already changed their minds. the same thing, over and over again. and then i turn around, and do basically the same thing to shane. but i cant help it. im not a sexual person, and i dont want to do him, and he does want sex, i know hes trying to say he doesnt BUT HE DOES, and hes so dramatic, and immature, i dont know how i didnt realize it before, and hes not responsible at all even though hes an adult, and hes so fucking stupid, why the hell do i keep liking stupid boys, why. why. because all the smart ones, think im fucking weird. MAYBE I AM. and then i find a boy who is smart, and well he probably thinks im weird too. but i dont care. because hes also weird! XD and i know, one day in the future, i will confess. but not yet, not anytime soon. im going to give it time, im going to be patient because im content. and i want to do it in person, ive never really done such a thing before. and im not going to be expecting anything. even though i keep liking him more and more, when i know i shouldnt. but i have to keep telling myself, how no one will like me, or end up liking me for too long. because i really do hate being disappointed. i get over things rather easy, but its even easier to get over rejection before it even happens. so ill just expect the worst, and see what happens. and if nothing happens, im okay with that. im always k. cause its just high school. :P
k, im obnoxious. and i hope no one ever reads that! XD i just wanted to get it out. so. dont read this shit, brah. XD
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK
[ Posted Thu, 16 Sep 2010 19:32:58 ]
AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. im so frustrated! im always so frustrated. im frustrated when i dont know. AND I NEVER FUCKING KNOW.
WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT
sometimes
[ Posted Sat, 11 Sep 2010 11:37:16 ]
it feels like life is a dream. or life is just fucking crazy. but its neither. i dont know what to call it. but i cant figure shit out. i dont know how to understand anything, about myself or the world around me. im just a kid, goddammit. but even when i do get older, and turn into an adult, will anything become clearer?
Tagged with: copying this shit from my main blog
what.
[ Posted Wed, 25 Aug 2010 16:59:27 ]
am i doing?
i wanna fuck shit up.
[ Posted Sat, 21 Aug 2010 15:47:57 ]
LIKEACOOLKID
Tagged with: so cool
Brandon.
[ Posted Fri, 20 Aug 2010 14:54:59 ]
I dont really know what to do. xD
i feel like im dating him. im sure he feels the same way about me. But, he is in China. and he isnt coming back until next summer, and even then, hes not staying. and even then, im going to be going to college at the end of next summer. i had the idea of going to China during my college spring break, to see him, and to see China. It would be great, because i would have someone to stay with, and when he was at school i could explore China, and when he came home we could spend time together. Thats so far away though, i just thought it was a good idea. XD
Its not like i love him or something. i dont. i dont know him well enough for that. but i just. feel something towards him, and it doesnt make sense. i feel so close to him, but physically, hes so far away.
im content with talking to him, whenever we are both awake. im happy right now. so happy, i dont even care if i have a boyfriend or not. it wont matter anymore, because i will never be lonely. brandon will always be there for me to talk to. but sooner or later, im not gonna be content with just that, am i? im going to want someone to kiss, someone to hug, someone to cuddle with, someone to spoon, someone to makeout with, someone to press my body against. and it cant be brandon.
BLEH!
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