What to do.
[ Posted Thu, 19 Jan 2012 00:05:12 ]
I’m not tired but I don’t feel like doing anything. I technically still have reading to do, but I feel as if I shall not do it. I was supposed to finish because John is coming over in the morning, but too bad. xD He can get over it. xP I don’t know what to do. I want to watch anime, but I don’t feel like it. I suppose I could watch a movie, but I don’t want to watch something I haven’t seen yet, and I don’t know what to watch that I have seen. Maybe I’ll play my DS emulator. Nope, don’t wanna do that either. \ I don’t know. It’s like I’m tired but not sleepy tired. I am sort of upset that I don’t feel like doing anything. I have felt like doing things every day for awhile, and now I don’t. Bleh.
Just watched HTTYD again.
[ Posted Wed, 18 Jan 2012 02:43:03 ]
It was probably the 25th time I’ve seen it, no exaggerations. The whole time I was writing my english paper, I just wanted to eat popcorn and watch HTTYD. So when I finished my paper, I did exactly that. :P
I think one of the qualifications of a good movie is that you can watch it over and over again and never ever get tired of it. Seriously, I have been listening to the soundtrack for weeks and I have seen the movie countless times. I only love it more.
Tagged with: how to train your dragon, httyd, (:
I'm Boss.
[ Posted Tue, 17 Jan 2012 01:28:21 ]
Tagged with: nuff said
Listening to Queen's Somebody to Love
[ Posted Mon, 16 Jan 2012 23:55:12 ]
want to watch Ella Enchanted. xD
Tagged with: ella enchanted, queen, somebody to love
-watches the first pokemon movie while on gpx+-
[ Posted Mon, 16 Jan 2012 15:50:22 ]
I saw the Bulbasaur/Squirtle/Charmander clones on gpx+, and it made me want to watch the movie. x) I love this movie. So wonderful! <3
Tagged with: pokemon, mewtwo strikes back, pokemon movie, gpx, gpx+
WANT
[ Posted Mon, 16 Jan 2012 12:55:00 ]
SHINY DRIFLOON. SO YELLOW. SO CUTE. OMGSH. :O IT IS MY NEW MISSION.
Tagged with: I have no life, gpx, gpx+
Jónsi - Sticks & Stones
[ Posted Sat, 14 Jan 2012 10:33:02 ]
Eyes open wide, blinded by the sun now
Orange and white, dark red, green and yellow
Rainbow colors! Do not hide, see the view!
Step aside, go through!
Against the light, too strong, blow a fuse now
Everything bright, new songs, burning shoes
The look in your eyes! Break our bones into half!
Scream and shout and do laugh!
Let yourself… go (Oh Oh Oh)
Let yourself… go (Oh Oh Oh)
Stay close to me
Count one, two and three
Up in through your sleeves
Bursting through the seams
Open your eyes and see - You see
Inn um ermar, upp hryggjarsúluna
Yfir skóg, flæðir niður brekkuna
Allt upp à loft! Ég mun aldrei gleyma!
Þvà ég mun aldrei!
Hleypur um, rÃfur, leysir flækjurnar
(Upp með rótum) með blik à augum!
Stórmerki, undur, brjótum bein à sundur!
Let yourself… go (Oh Oh Oh)
Let yourself… go (Oh Oh Oh)
Stay close to me
Count one, two and three
Up in through your sleeves
Bursting through the seams
Open your eyes and see
Stay close to me
Count one, two and three
Up in through your sleeves
Right beyond the trees
Show you how you’ll be
Stay close to me
Count one, two and three
Up in through your sleeves
Bursting through the seams
Open your eyes and see - You see
Stay close to me : Count one, two, three
Up in your sleeves : You’re right beyond trees
Stay close to me : Count one, two, three
Up in your sleeves : Burst through the seams
Open your eyes and see
You see - You see
Tagged with: sticks and stones, jonsi, httyd, how to train your dragon, httyd soundtrack
Something strange.
[ Posted Sat, 14 Jan 2012 10:28:00 ]
Something strange is happening to me. For the first time in probably my whole life, I want to be alone. I want to be by myself. I mean, not every waking moment. Sometimes if I spend too much time with someone or my friends, I start to wish to be alone instead. Just the other day it was a rather depressing thought of feeling alone, of feeling detached from everyone else, as if I am looking down on what we do instead of participating. Very recently I have felt a gradual change of that alone-ness from a negative thing to a positive thing. It’s strange, I used to never want to be alone. I suppose I’m changing-growing up, if you wish-in a better way than I thought I would.
Last night, stephen kept spiking up my hair and calling me peter pan, and then everyone started calling me peter pan. That instantly made me think of Sweet Disposition, and how that song made me feel like if I could only never grow up in the usual way, I may be able to find happiness. Recently I have almost felt as if Mally is slipping into the ways of adults. She gets very stressful, and worries about things, and money, and life, and doesn’t seem happy (although that probably also has to do with her relationship status). In any case, it upsets me. I feel as if most adults are not happy, because they all follow that usual adult formula. I don’t want that to happen to my best friend. I want to save her, but I don’t know how.
Back to my original subject; I believe this is a good change. I don’t think I have gotten depressed nearly as much as I used to. Well, that is a statement that I can’t really make at this time, but we will see soon enough if it rings true. I feel like that story I read, The Story of an Hour. As soon as she doesn’t have a husband binding her (and she is old enough to certainly not have parents doing the same), she feels incredibly free. I’ll have to get more quotes when I am back in my room to show my point more. It’s a ridiculous feeling that she has never had before, but it is probably the most wonderful as well. I just feel like.. I want to figure out myself. What I like. What I want to do. What will make me happy. What I like learning about. I want to focus on my classes, which I haven’t really done yet. Not exactly on the classes themselves, but the material. I don’t like the structure of classes and grading, but I can sort of see why it’s needed. The idiots in my short story class don’t read any of the stories. She needs to give them tests and quizzes so that their grades reflect their participation. But I just want to read the stories, and discussing them is good too because then I find even more interesting things about them. But I don’t want tests and papers just to show I have been reading the stories… I just want to learn. But I know lots of people sadly do not feel the same.. :/
The lyrics of Sticks & Stones are so good. A part of it is in a different language; I’ll have to search a translation. It’s such a happy song, I just want to burst..
Soon I’ll be free; I’m on my way!
Tagged with: I need to stop rambling and getting away from the important parts, (:, I'll be free!
annoyed.
[ Posted Sat, 14 Jan 2012 02:08:49 ]
Seriously
[ Posted Fri, 13 Jan 2012 12:16:29 ]
All I do all day long is listen to the How to Train Your Dragon soundtrack.
Not kidding.
Tagged with: httyd, how to train your dragon, httyd soundtrack, john powell, jonsi, lol, (:
Fuck.
[ Posted Fri, 13 Jan 2012 01:16:03 ]
What to do.
I don't have a home.
[ Posted Tue, 10 Jan 2012 22:37:12 ]
It isn’t here, at Randolph-Macon. It isn’t in Mechanicsville. It isn’t ‘wherever I’m with you’, like in the song I like.
It isn’t anywhere. It doesn’t exist.
I feel very alone.
[ Posted Tue, 10 Jan 2012 19:08:10 ]
My friend
[ Posted Mon, 09 Jan 2012 17:58:52 ]
totally just gave me a bunch of weed and an almost full bottle of rum for free.
Fucking love college.
Disappointment.
[ Posted Tue, 03 Jan 2012 17:45:16 ]
My class is about reading short stories, not writing them.
At least it starts with Edgar Allen Poe, and I like him.
YOU KNOW WHATS AWESOME
[ Posted Tue, 03 Jan 2012 10:32:42 ]
I GET TO SING IN MY ROOM NOW. ALL THE TIME!!!! :D
Tagged with: sing sing sing, lalalalalalala, (:
Okay but
[ Posted Mon, 02 Jan 2012 20:15:50 ]
how can I do what I want
if I don’t know what I want
WHY THE FUCK
[ Posted Mon, 02 Jan 2012 19:30:35 ]
DID SHE HAVE TO COME BACK TO GET ALL HER SHIT WHEN I FEEL LIKE THIS. WHY THE FUCK CANT SHE FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE SO I CAN BE FUCKING SAD WITHOUT ANYONE TRYING AND FAILING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?!?!!! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. I AM A BITCH.
I do what I want
Dammit.
[ Posted Mon, 02 Jan 2012 19:20:38 ]
I need Charlotte to finish taking all of her shit away and leave so I can watch How to Train Your Dragon. My head aches and I am in a state of emotional turmoil.
I don’t understand anything.
HOLY SHIT
[ Posted Mon, 02 Jan 2012 15:56:33 ]
THIS IS SO FUCKING WEIRD!!!! I hooked my laptop up with my tv, and now my laptop’s screen is black (which is odd because this didn’t happen at my house when we connected the two). So I am typing on my laptop, but it’s showing up on my tv… It’s pretty strange! Especially because the TV is a widescreen tv. So it stretches everything. xD Ahaha! I’m just having fun. x)
boner-:
im confused
Tagged with: yup
Michelle
[ Posted Sun, 01 Jan 2012 16:57:00 ]
was my midnight kiss. <3
I think that means a lot. We have been together for years and years… Although my boyfriend has always changed and hers hasn’t really, our relationship never changes. If anything, we continue to become closer. It doesn’t matter that she now lives far away, at a completely different college from mine. Maybe I can’t stand the distance with a boyfriend, but I could take any distance with Michelle. It’s just different. I’m pretty damn sure she will be my best friend forever, there’s no denying it.
Or maybe I’m just a lesbian.
"Excuse me, barmaid. I'm afraid you brought me the wrong offspring. I ordered an extra large boy with beefy arms, extra guts and glory on the side. This here, this is a talking fishbone."
[ Posted Sat, 31 Dec 2011 02:06:42 ]
mainstream-averted:
Tagged with: I wanna watch it again. xD
I think that girls are mean
[ Posted Sat, 31 Dec 2011 00:50:23 ]
because everybody lets them be. I am a mean bitch. But nobody has stopped me yet, and they probably never will. This seems to be the truth for most women.
It all comes down to the same fucking thing. I just want to know what I want. WHY IS THAT SO DAMN DIFFICULT?! Do I really not know? Am I incapable of knowing? What the flying fuck!
I want to just smoke a shit ton of weed, fall asleep, and never, EVER fucking wake up again.
I wish I could
[ Posted Sat, 31 Dec 2011 00:30:08 ]
smoke weed. I would, if I hadn’t gotten blazed three nights and a row, and tomorrow would make it five if I smoked tonight… I would make a gb. But I am also lazy. xD I can’t focus on reading anymore, and I was having a good damn time. Then my mind just had to wander, and make a fucking mess. Thanks, you’re fucking GREAT. I won’t be able to sleep.
I lost like a million fucking pounds. 107.5 to 101. What the hell, how did that even happen? Most people are psyched about losing that much, but it only concerns me. I don’t look any thinner. My mother says my face is flushed. I eat a lot of shit food, so idk how any of this is possible. I eat more shit food now than I did before, so what the fuck? I don’t get it. The doctor gave me pills for my stomach. They are supposed to make me not feel sick in the mornings. I bet it won’t work. At least they are fairly tiny, and circular. I like the circle ones, idk why.
FUCK. I just want to scream. I downloaded the How to Train Your Dragon soundtrack. It’s fucking excellent. Some parts make me cry. That movie hits me so hard, and I don’t even know why. Nobody seems to feel the same way about it. I don’t really get it. Especially when I’m high. Everything in it just.. clicks with me. I love it, I feel a part of it or something, I can’t really explain… It’s amazing, and my favorite movie (tied with Star Wars :P). I wish I could share the feelings I have towards it.
FUCK
[ Posted Sat, 31 Dec 2011 00:01:12 ]
WHATS WRONG WITH ME
I'm sad.
[ Posted Fri, 30 Dec 2011 23:57:52 ]
I think that
[ Posted Wed, 28 Dec 2011 20:33:51 ]
closets are really cute. Clothes look much cuter in closets than drawers. Or even better, cute little wardrobes. But I am super lazy, and have too many clothes. But I wish I wasn’t lazy, and had my cute little clothes hanging in a cute little wardrobe.
/pictures of hanging clothes on tumblr made me think of this. xD
Goddammit.
[ Posted Mon, 26 Dec 2011 14:51:16 ]
A lot of my titles are that word. or Fuck.
My throat hurts a lot. At least my nose isn’t as irritated, and I am not sneezing as much. My mouth doesn’t hurt too bad. Just a bit.
I hate being home. … I made a mess.
sicksicksick.
[ Posted Fri, 23 Dec 2011 23:30:22 ]
But at least I’m with Garrett.
But my stomach D: It’s worse than my mouth. But when I cough! Oh, that hurts my mouth. And I am so swollen on one side, I’m like an unbalanced chipmunk. I wish I could go to sleep. No, I wish my stomach would stop. I know it’s probably because I can’t eat. Because of the medicine. Because of the car ride, that one was bad.
Earlier today I had a fever, it was not fun. I was feeling better, until the car ride..
I need to find my pills so I can hide one for Patrick/Sam, and say I took it. No way I’m taking those things again - I’ll just puke.
Sick. Dream.
[ Posted Wed, 21 Dec 2011 13:30:20 ]
Sick sick sick sickly. Why must I be sick before getting my wisdom teeth out? How irritating. I am irritated. -.-
I also had a cool ass dream. There was this huge battle, and our side decided to wear roller skates because it let us move around more quickly and freely and somehow we fought better like that. The roller skates were our secret weapon. We could move faster than the enemies. The setting was this huge area with multiple floors but endless pits if you fell off. The amount of people on my side was vast; we were the good guys. The others were terrible killers who meant our people harm. I had a feeling that they had been terrorizing us for awhile. That we would not be free until we defeated these beastly humans. We had been preparing for this fight for a long time. The other side had a sort of dragon-monster. It wasn’t exactly a dragon, but sort of looked like one. I don’t remember it breathing fire, but it was one of the most dangerous opponents. The fight was crazy, my vision kept changing angles, sometimes I wasn’t seeing what my dream self was seeing, but I would see my allies fighting. I don’t remember our weapons at all, but I know we had something to fight with. For some reason, one of my comrades had a cow? It was a rather small cow. Anyways, the dragon-like-monster went for him at one point, and he nearly fell into the pit, he was hanging. He was terrified. He was talking to his lover about the cow, and she was excited about it… I saved him from the pit somehow, and locked ourselves in a room so that my friend could recover. He was very upset, he was in tears. He didn’t want to fight anymore, he didn’t want to live anymore. I desperately pleaded with him. He looked to be around 25, with a small mustache and beard thing going on. Dark hair. Eyes that showed his suffering. I heard the enemies outside one of the doors to the room. They tried to get in, but then said who gives a fuck. I thought we were safe, but all the sudden one of the enemies said that they should make sure there was nobody in that room, and they should bust it down. I sobbed, and hugged my friend, trying to find any way to put the motivation back into him. We couldn’t just give up, not after fighting this hard. The enemies broke the wooden door down, while my friend and I sobbed and hugged, a bond between us full of shared suffering and understanding.
My sister then woke me up. I never saw the ending.
I was gonna go smoke.
[ Posted Tue, 20 Dec 2011 23:10:07 ]
And then. I don’t know. My throat hurts. I don’t have anything in particular I wish to do or eat while high. But I want to get high. xD But I’m not going upstairs? So I don’t understand. >.< NOW I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO INVOLVING DRUGS!
FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
hiptoyourjive:
Sad is such a physical emotion
I don't need to feel it in every atom
Bathe in the Waves
[ Posted Sun, 18 Dec 2011 15:15:22 ]
Patrick gave me a bunch of chillwave and some other stuff, and I’m just excited. x) I have wanted new music for awhile, especially new music that is different from anything else I have. When Patrick and Sam were playing this stuff last night, it sounded so beautiful. I was so content with just laying there and listening to it, it was amazing… (:
Every time I woke up they would be like ‘Vittoria is riding the waves’ or ‘You’re bathing in the waves, Vittoria’. xD It was so silly. I love them. I felt so happy last night, it was simply wonderful! I want to go back. It makes me want to live with my friends so much. Life would be so great.. We could work or whatever and do whatever we want. We wouldn’t need a shit ton of money, especially if we all lived together. We could just do drugs and listen to wonderful music and enjoy each other’s company. Ah. If only my vision for the future will come true, then I know I will be alright!
Tagged with: chillwave, weed, fuckyeah
It's four am.
[ Posted Sat, 17 Dec 2011 03:54:08 ]
WHAT THE FUCK. WHY AM I AWAKE DAMMIT
I really just
[ Posted Fri, 16 Dec 2011 01:42:12 ]
want to cry right now. I want to be alone. I don’t give a fuck about calculus. I don’t give a fuck about anything. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be anywhere. I obviously don’t know what I want. I don’t know what’s real. I’ve lied to myself and made myself believe things before, so why couldn’t I be doing the same thing again? I am tired. I am sick. I wish to distract myself endlessly, but even that would not solve anything. But I don’t know how to solve it, and I never have. So I just keep running. That’s the only thing to do.
and I bought them. XD
[ Posted Thu, 15 Dec 2011 23:02:00 ]
And something for Michelle. And a penguin ice cream scooper for my daddy. xD
Scary.
[ Posted Thu, 15 Dec 2011 22:11:29 ]
Today my family and my friends saw A Christmas Carol. Afterwords, all of my friends told me how scary I was, and that I didn’t even seem like Vittoria anymore. I was extremely fucking excited. xP Like, that made me feel great. That means I was doing exactly as i was supposed to be doing. I am a ragpicker, who is deformed, disgusting, greedy and creepy. Scary is exactly what I wished to hear! ^~^ Yay! My chances of getting my own part next year are increasing!
TUMBLR,
[ Posted Thu, 15 Dec 2011 01:21:29 ]
Y U EXIST. U DISTRACT ME CONSTANTLY. STOP IT.
Don't feel bad.
[ Posted Wed, 14 Dec 2011 17:01:53 ]
I understand. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone else today, either.
Well.
[ Posted Wed, 14 Dec 2011 15:37:34 ]
I don’t know what to do today. I wish I could write my paper so that I wouldn’t have to stay up late tonight after the play to write it, but we all know that won’t happen. Everything I can think of doing doesn’t sound good. I don’t seem to want to do anything. BUT I DO. I want to do something, I just don’t know what. I just feel like… I don’t even know why I’m here, if I don’t want to be.
I seem to know a lot of things that I DON’T want, but not nearly enough things that I DO want. Goddammit.
Shit.
[ Posted Wed, 14 Dec 2011 14:00:12 ]
I feel like… I have no feelings.
MY FUCKING STOMACH HURTS.
[ Posted Wed, 14 Dec 2011 01:29:08 ]
WHERE IS MY WEED. WHERE IS MY MEESH.
What do I do? What can I do?
All I want to do is fucking scream and cry, but someone else is in the room. Also, last time I sobbed loudly in the quiet study room (my birthday) I woke the neighboring residents and they asked if I was okay. SO THAT IS NOT AN OPTION. This is why I need to fucking live by myself. So I can scream and weep and nobody will wake up, and nobody will be concerned or fake concerned because NOBODY WILL GIVE A FUCK and that’s the way it should FUCKING BE.
BECAUSE MY PROBLEMS ARE TRIVIAL. Because I am a TERRIBLE PERSON. Because I am unmotivated. Because I GIVE NO FUCKS. Because it’s like a game. Because I’m manipulative. Because I’m bored. Because I have NO FUCKING PURPOSE. Because I DON’T KNOW WHAT I FUCKING WANT, AND I’M NOT GETTING ANY CLOSER. Because I don’t want to live in a gray house. Because I don’t want. Because the combination of drugs and friends solve everything, temporarily. Because I don’t feel close to anyone, I feel no connection, especially not to the people that are physically close to me.
I’m a mess, and it’s extremely difficult to prevent tears from running down my face. But I’m gonna do it. And I’m going to study French. And I’m probably going to get a B on the exam. But I don’t really give a fuck, because nothing is important to me. I just want to find something that is.
It's sad that
[ Posted Wed, 14 Dec 2011 00:06:55 ]
the only constant thing in my life, that I know I want, is drugs. I don’t have any other constant variable that I know I want. And it’s almost like I have a sense of what is important once I am high, but when I’m sober once again and pushed into the daily routine of my life, I forget it all.
Tagged with: -.-, drugs
I wish that
[ Posted Wed, 14 Dec 2011 00:04:25 ]
being happy was simple. Simple & easy. But it’s not. Not for me.
fuck.
[ Posted Tue, 13 Dec 2011 18:00:11 ]
All I want to do is lay down and weep.
Yet, I must study for french. I must eat. I must be in the play. I don’t wanna do this shit right now. I’m tired. I’m sick. I don’t feel like existing. blllahhhhh.
My head hurts. My stomach hurts. My eyes hurt. sdufhcudfsjdfnkj
I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what to do. Ah, fuck it.
I WANT
[ Posted Mon, 12 Dec 2011 00:22:21 ]
a fancy gaming laptop. Because they are pretty.
I don’t even play that many games! BUT I WANT ONE STILLLL. AHM SO JELLY OF RYAN AND CODY BECAUSE THEY HAVE PRETTY GAMING LAPTOPS. :O
Shit monkeys.
[ Posted Sun, 11 Dec 2011 11:28:58 ]
WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT
Tagged with: GODDAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT
I DONT WANT TO GO HOME.
[ Posted Sat, 10 Dec 2011 17:43:39 ]
Agreed.
I hope that
[ Posted Fri, 09 Dec 2011 01:28:17 ]
it doesn’t count as cheating to use parts of my journals on these papers. I definitely did it last paper, and she didn’t say anything. Last paper, I didn’t even bother to change very many of the words around, either. I’m adding more to these though, and changing the words more, because you can never believe you will get away with the same thing twice… I mean, it just makes sense. Why should I go and search my life away for an example I didn’t use in my journals, when the answer is right there!?? I highly doubt she will realize it. I don’t know what will happen if she will… She does like me, and I do all of my work, and I do it a hell of a lot better than most people in that class, although I do not give a shit. I’m really counting on the relationship I have with her at the moment. xD She likes me because she knows I genuinely enjoy the service project, and help in any way I can. Fuck yeah.
Two pages down. Two and a half questions down. One page/one and a half questions left. FUCK YEAH I WIN
I still hate Libbie, and the mention of her name.
[ Posted Thu, 08 Dec 2011 23:58:16 ]
Is that odd? xD
Tagged with: I think it is. xP
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
[ Posted Thu, 08 Dec 2011 23:54:17 ]
I look cute today,
[ Posted Thu, 08 Dec 2011 16:08:02 ]
and it’s really annoying. Because I don’t have any classes and I’m not really going anywhere. xD I had to put on clothes to go see my math professor, and I just happened to make a cute outfit. GAH. SO IRRITATING. XD Why do I always do this?! XD
Also, I really want a cute, warm jacket. All of my cute jackets are thin, and all of John’s jackets are warm but not cute. I WANT A BROWN NORTH FACE JACKET. XD
Dammit.
I really fucking wish that
[ Posted Wed, 07 Dec 2011 23:03:32 ]
winter break would come quicker. And that during winter break, I could live at Mally’s house. <3
I don’t want to go to my parent’s house, but I am really FUCKING sick of this stupid as fuck school work. I don’t know what I will do on my exams with this lack of motivation. Perhaps Chemistry will be the only exam I do well on, because it is the only class I have a chance to get an A in.
If I get straight Bs… I don’t even know what the fuck I am going to do. GO FUCKING APE SHIT. If the FYEC tests weren’t so fucking shitty, and if they didn’t grade our discussions so ridiculously, then I would get an A in that. The only reason I have no A in Calculus is because I do not give a fuck, and I do everything half-assed. I almost wish I didn’t, but then I remember that I don’t care. French is fucking hopeless because I am terrible and always will be. I’m convinced I cannot learn, and I am not sure that I should even go to France for a semester, because it would be wasted on me.
FUUUUCCCKKKK
Sick.
[ Posted Wed, 07 Dec 2011 22:39:01 ]
Stomach hurts. Head hurts. College isn’t as free as I thought it would be. I want more, although I do not know exactly what would be enough… People say that doing bad things doesn’t make you feel good, and only makes you feel bad. I disagree. Or at least, I must, for the amount of times I hurt and upset people. It is true that I feel bad about the bigger things, but I will admit that there is some sort of relish occasionally… I am positive I am not the only woman who feels this way, simply one of the only to admit it.
Perhaps i dislike that I honestly feel no remorse for some of my actions that I should feel remorse for, but I cannot do anything about it. My emotions do not listen to me; I have no control over them.
I am quite the horrible person, and i do not care any longer. I am sick.
I do want to hear!
[ Posted Wed, 07 Dec 2011 01:36:38 ]
So I guess I don’t make sense. xD
This week is not a good week. My emotions are everywhere and I suppose they decided to be annoyed while reading your tumblr. Also, I have felt very fond of Michelle lately, and I suppose I felt you were being hostile or something of the sort.
Gah, I don’t know. I’m everywhere. Maybe we just need to talk more in general.
I really do want to hear about her, and I want to hear about your life. I’m sorry I called you inconsiderate… I think I was annoyed that you could share and I couldn’t.
Also,
[ Posted Wed, 07 Dec 2011 00:15:16 ]
Michelle knows all. She mostly has negative things to say about you, because she knows that you are an asshole. xD
Tagged with: I think it's funny that you are an asshole
I know that
[ Posted Wed, 07 Dec 2011 00:14:18 ]
by slightly complaining about this, you will probably believe that it does bother me emotionally, however, it does not.
I wanted to make it a point not to say much at all about John on this tumblr, for your sake. I didn’t upload pictures of him, I didn’t put a picture of me and him on facebook, I haven’t really said much of anything about him on here. I actually made a completely new tumblr just for him, so I could have one directed towards him and that wouldn’t hurt you or upset you.
Therefore, I find it rather rude that you decided to do the complete opposite of this, as if you were shoving it in my face and trying to make me jealous, to which you have not succeeded. I’m sure you are just excited and happy about your new woman, but I don’t understand how it is fair to do that when I made it a point not to. Also, I could have officially dated John much, much earlier, but he thought it would be kinder to you to wait. Inconsiderate.
I hate all the females.
[ Posted Tue, 06 Dec 2011 01:35:18 ]
Especially the ones in my hall.
Who decide to start talking to me only when I have a boyfriend with me.
HMMMMM. Dem bitchy girls. I guess I can’t really say much, because I’m sure I do the same thing when I’m single. x) Flirt with boys that have girlfriends. It’s what we do. I’m pretty good at it. But I digress.
I don’t really give a fuck, I just wanted to state one of the various reasons I hate girls and hate being one.
DEY JUS JELLY DEY AINT GETTIN N-E
If I were prettier than her, it would be fair.
[ Posted Tue, 06 Dec 2011 01:30:10 ]
BUT IT ISN’T. D<
Tagged with: WHY AM I A GIRL, I DON'T LIKE IT
Okay I lied.
[ Posted Tue, 06 Dec 2011 01:27:23 ]
Fuck. I wouldn’t be a liar if she wasn’t so damn cute. It really irritates me that that somehow changes everything. Fuck, I despise being female. I’m a little jealous. Bite me.
But I am in no way upset or wishing that didn’t happen. xD I really do want you to have someone else because I really do want you to be happy. It just. it feels a little different than I thought it would. Only slightly. Because her face is just… gorgeous. I mean. Wow. Her eyes, and her lips… Damn boy, go get ‘em.
She has like a fucking porcelain face! HOW IS THIS FAIR. djfnskjfnsjkdfshfs Dammit, Zac. Date someone unattractive. xD
Date Miya. Just kidding. I do think she is rather unattractive, both personality and looks wise… But the world would end before you dated her, I’m sure.
Seriously, though. I am extremely happy for you, you have no idea. I can’t believe you were able to break out of your shy shell so quickly, I am very impressed. I taught you well! :D Have fun, Zachary. You must tell me allllll about her when we exchange gifts! (:
She's way too fucking adorable.
[ Posted Tue, 06 Dec 2011 01:14:55 ]
That’s not fair! D:
But I am very, very happy for you. I am very glad things worked out so well for you, and that you weren’t shy! I’m so freaking proud of you! :D :D :D :D
I may not get married and have kids.
[ Posted Mon, 05 Dec 2011 02:16:31 ]
I may not live long enough to do so.
Tagged with: thoughts from saturday
Dream.
[ Posted Sun, 04 Dec 2011 18:53:25 ]
Something happened. I believe it was an accident of some sort, although it would make more sense for it to be a disease. I couldn’t walk. My sister had to help me walk places. It didn’t make much sense. It was like, I could walk if I was leaning on something, or if I was balancing or something, but then I would randomly just crumple onto the floor. My mother would get angry when I tried to walk on my own, but I continued trying to do so. Sometimes I would crawl and my arms must have been getting stronger. It was a very realistic dream, although the conditions and reasons for my ‘not walking’ did not make much sense. It was sad. I didn’t like being dependent on someone for everything. I wanted to walk on my own. I wanted to be free.
Surprise.
[ Posted Sat, 03 Dec 2011 10:41:25 ]
I get to sing Silent Night with only one other girl and two boys in A Christmas Carol. That was more than I hoped for, and more than I thought I would get. Because of this, I also got one or two more lines. :D
Except, I am trying not to be so loud, and it is really difficult. I have no idea why so many singers insist on singing so softly that I cannot hear them. D< I think James asked us to sing lower, but I wasn’t paying attention and I am not good at singing low anyways. So then when we ran it again, Alana sort of gave me a puzzled look, but I pretended like I didn’t understand, because I didn’t really. It sounds better with levels. And Alana went lower, so James should have been okay, I guess? I don’t know. I’m apparently bad at communication now. xD It’s also weird, because I know James and Alana, but I don’t know the other boy. haha.
My main role is this disgusting greedy cockney woman, and I am supposed to take this role over the top. I am never very good at over the top. ): But I wanna try really hard, so I get better parts in shows. xD I’m glad the director let me sing, because I also wanted to show him I could sing so that he would put me in musicals. x)
Meh.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANNNNT
[ Posted Fri, 02 Dec 2011 01:17:54 ]
I’m so upset.
The day was too short.
[ Posted Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:30:44 ]
My right shift key is broken, and it’s horrible. At least, I think it’s broken. It’s very odd and unnatural to use the left shift key.
It was basically my only free day until exams are over. Why was it so short? ):
It's almost five AM.
[ Posted Thu, 01 Dec 2011 04:48:26 ]
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK GO TO FUCKING BED! D<
goddammit.
[ Posted Thu, 01 Dec 2011 00:38:40 ]
I want to do drugs more often. I really dislike not being able to do what I want to do. I don’t like being restricted. Constrained. Caged.
C’est tres simple. Je veux liberer.
Tagged with: D<
I didn't want to tell you, because I figured it would hurt your feelings.
[ Posted Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:51:00 ]
I discovered something that I did unconsciously. I did it without realizing what I was doing until I thought about it, and then decided I was a bad person.
John is sick today. He is sleeping. The quiet room had people in it that were being loud, and I wished to complain to someone. I wanted to talk to someone, I wanted attention. But John is asleep. So I texted the currently-next-best-option. You.
That sounds horrible, and I didn’t mean to do that, but once I thought about it, that is exactly what I did. Not that I don’t like talking to you. But if I am with or talking to someone else (John), the chances of talking to you are very slim.
And that, my friend, is why I am a bad person.
I'm tired.
[ Posted Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:21:56 ]
BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I’m also a bad person. esndkjvndxfkjnskdj
if you complained less about your lack of a love life, maybe you'd have a love life.
[ Posted Wed, 30 Nov 2011 02:02:00 ]
superflu0us:
THIS
Although for myself, I would take out the ‘life’ part. I have what some would call a ‘love life’. What I don’t have, is love.
Tagged with: true story bro
Fuck fuck fuck
[ Posted Wed, 30 Nov 2011 01:13:23 ]
I am frustrated and tired.
[ Posted Wed, 30 Nov 2011 00:50:40 ]
I hate fyec, and I’m frustrated I have to take it. When I was in high school, I was constantly pissed about having to be in classes that I gave no fucks about. I knew that when I got to college, it would be different.
BUT NOT FUCKING REALLY.
Seriously, it is the most FUCKING FRUSTRATING THING. I want to learn about things I am interested in. Things I care about. I don’t want to do pointless assignments that mean nothing to me.
I’m very upset about this, and it is very difficult to complete homework when I am so unmotivated.
Too fast.
[ Posted Mon, 28 Nov 2011 18:01:22 ]
I’m confused.
Tagged with: ):
I'm High.
[ Posted Sun, 27 Nov 2011 00:10:44 ]
It wasn’t rhetorical, I really wanted to know. xD I was asking honestly. You seem very afraid of irritating me, which is rather odd. When have a ever been an irritated person? I don’t give a fuck dude. I’m a stoner. Don’t you know? Goddammit. What the fack ahahaha. I’m having a good damn time.
50/50 was indeed amazing
[ Posted Sat, 26 Nov 2011 18:47:47 ]
I watched it last night.
Good.
[ Posted Fri, 25 Nov 2011 17:00:23 ]
I’m glad that’s how you feel. xP Open-mindedness.
I was just in a bad mood the other night, so excuse me if what I said sounded harsh.
I know that perhaps you aren’t ready for another relationship, but I find it much easier to start one right after I end one… I suppose I don’t like to be alone. Although I am miserable single or together, perhaps I find some comfort in at least having someone there, even though I know it does not help me. Maybe that sounds desperate or stupid or something, I don’t care. I don’t really know how my mind works, I’m just trying to figure it out.
I know you don’t want to hear this, but I might have liked being single for a little bit, just to maybe make out with a bunch of people. xD I know you find that pointless, and it really is, but whatever. I much prefer a relationship anyways, so no regrets… So what would you have rather it been, for me? Me single and a ho, or me with one new, constant boy? Just curious.
It smells like starburst. Yum.
Perhaps I am odd in that I wish for you to be with someone else. Most people would get jealous or upset, I suppose. My wishes do not make sense. But I truly want you to be with someone else, and I will not be upset if you talk about them, or post pictures of/with them, or anything like that. I just want you to be happy.
Watching 50/50 tonight. My dad finally found it! (:
You signed your art tumblr as Z.
[ Posted Fri, 25 Nov 2011 16:52:09 ]
I found it amusing. xD
Well.
[ Posted Thu, 24 Nov 2011 21:47:46 ]
I don’t know what to say.
First of all, I want to know what this means. Explanation, please.
(If I may interject, the abstract expressionism of Jackson Pollock which you unconsciously mimicked was very relevant, in my opinion, to me realizing I was wrong about the post-breakup sex. Or maybe I'm just weird xP)
because I’m confused. I’m dumb. xD You were wrong about it…?
I wanted to say something, to you. But I don’t know what exactly… I want to be friends with you, but I also know how upset it would make me if my current boyfriend was hanging around his ex all the time. Or any girl, really, but an ex is automatically worse. Taking that into consideration, it would be completely hypocritical and rather mean to hang out with you a lot if I have a boyfriend.
Right now I am fairly unhappy, though. I keep changing my mind, and I don’t know what I want. Of course, I never know, and this is a phrase repeated so often that quite frankly, I am getting sick of it. SICK. FUCKING SICK OF IT
My mother keeps getting upset with me because of how I treat my father. She gets mad at me, and tells me I need to show him I love him and appreciate him. I told her I appreciate everything he has given me, but I certainly do not love him. She says I do. She’s wrong. It’s quite similar to how you feel about family being forced upon you. She thinks just because he is my father, I love him. She said without him, I wouldn’t be here. I told her, maybe I don’t want to be. She claims that he hasn’t done anything to me, so I have no reason to dislike him. I told her she deserves better, and he doesn’t treat her right. She said he’s changed. I don’t believe her. She told me about all of the things he has given her. That she has so much in life. That she is so well off. I cried.
That’s not what I want. I told her it isn’t about material things, but she says she loves him. I would rather be poor as shit and love somebody and be loved, than to be ‘well off’ with someone that I don’t love, but can tolerate. No, no, no. That’s so wrong. Why does that seem to be the dream? I just feel like nobody is really in love anymore, where did it go? Was it ever here, did it ever really exist so strongly? I want it, I want it so badly I don’t know what to do. I’m going insane because everything is showing me, telling me, that it isn’t going to happen. That it doesn’t exist. That it’s impossible. A fairy tale. Another unrealistic thing for me to imagine, another fantasy for me to escape from this horrible world with.
How I feel about love and how my parents reflect it must be how Michelle feels about marriage and her parents.
Tagged with: I don't want to be here anymore, I wanted to say stuff to you, but I of course got off track
I keep procrastinating.
[ Posted Mon, 21 Nov 2011 03:58:30 ]
It’s bad. My stomach hurts. Popcorn was not a good idea, although delicious at the time. Those cookies probably didn’t help, either.
Boy, does my stomach hate it when I eat unhealthily.
I don’t even want to sleep. I just don’t want to do this fucking homework. I would rather be doing a number of other things. Like crying. Or searching for the lost birth control. God, my hands smell fucking disgusting and I can’t stand it.
My head also hurts. I want to sing.
fuuuuuckkk
[ Posted Mon, 21 Nov 2011 03:29:18 ]
meeeeeee.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
shit
I just want to cry.
[ Posted Mon, 21 Nov 2011 02:29:37 ]
I have wanted to at least five times today. But there have been so many distractions, that it doesn’t seem to work. I don’t like crying in front of people, because then they get sad or annoyed and they don’t understand why I’m sad, and I can’t fucking tell them. BECAUSE I DON’T FUCKING KNOW.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT I FUCKING WANT.
Is that such a difficult thing to give me? Oh wait, I’m greedy and I have asked for more things that I shall never receive. I want to be able to love. I want to be intelligent. I want to be good at something. I want to stop feeling everything I am currently feeling. I want to ……… I can’t think now. I don’t know what to think… I’m confused, I’m distracted. I was thinking today, about how much I have been distracted recently. I think erjgndgkjdr see, fuck. I can’t even think with all of this happening. I can’t even be sad or feel anything when this is happening. I would say that is a good thing, but it seems as if I want to be sad. Like, if I don’t get enough sad time in, I start trying to make myself sad. But that isn’t really true. That’s just how it looks on the outside, how it would seem to other people.. It’s what my mother says to me. She says I want to be sad, and that’s why I am. But she’s wrong.
I want to be happy. But I don’t know how to be. I don’t know what will make me happy, and I keep searching, and I am just going in circles and circles with my feelings and my writing… Everything I write is very repetitive, I seem to have mentioned it all before, at one point or another. I constantly whine about how I want to be happy and don’t know what will make me happy. I want to fucking know, that’s another thing. I want to know how to be happy. I guess there are too many things I want to know, and I am never going to know any of them.
I don’t want to do my homework, because it’s fucking stupid. I see no fucking value in any of it. I don’t know why Chemistry homework is different, but it’s one of the reasons I have pretty much decided that will be my major. I like chemistry homework. Even when it frustrates me and makes me want to cry. I still like it better than other homework. I guess I find value in it without realizing what the value is. Or perhaps I just like it… And I don’t like other homework. BUT SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK. HOW IS THIS MAKING ME MORE INTELLIGENT?! This shit is STUPID AS FUCK and I just wish I could throw it all out of a fucking window because it pisses me off that I must do it, yet it means nothing to me.
I don’t understand why it’s so important to look good. Why it is such a great thing to be cute. I mean, was that really my decision? I don’t really understand why the fuck this just occurred to me that it bothered me. Like, it’s not fucking fair. I mean, I do it too. I don’t generally try to talk to boys or get their attention unless they are cute. Unless I just feel like being a bitch and leading someone on, which I do. But the only time I do that is when they aren’t cute. xD Like, what the fuck. WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT. What is fucking wrong with the world. Goddammit, so many things upset me.
I’m staying up all night with a distraction. I probably should have decided against it, but I didn’t. I don’t know why. You could almost say I was looking forward to being depressed. But not really. That must be why I decided to be distracted instead.
I want to say sorry. I’m sorry, Zac. I’m a bad friend. I appreciate the more frequent space indian posts, I only wish they started sooner. I have never … what the fuck, I just got distracted again and I don’t know what I was going to say. D< … I don’t even know where I was going with this. Anyways, I am rather selfish, and I apologize. I think, as terrible as it sounds, I have a very easy time forgetting relationships because I just think of the bad things. I only do it for awhile. I mean, I know there were good things, but if I think of those then it’s possible that I would be unhappy. And frankly, I would rather just be distracted. The crying period for our relationship lasted my birthday weekend, and then I was done. No more sad, at least not about you. I wish for the same upon you. I don’t care what you have to do, I just want you to be happy. I think you are doing better than you thought you would. But I don’t know. I have never been able to tell what you are feeling. SHIT THAT’S WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY EARLIER I’M A GENIUS. Seriously, though. I have no gauge for your emotions, and that is not a good thing. Then again, I am terrible at knowing how ANYONE’s emotions are working.
My brain is scattered. I once again believe I will not live past a certain age. At this point I don’t even think marriage will make me happy. FUCK. Because I … What does love even mean, dammit?! If it’s as great as I want it to be, it can’t exist. That’s impossible. It can’t solve all my problems. And yet I continue to search. I suppose I will continue jumping from boy to boy, wrecking shit up, until I make my final decision to give up and end it all.
It was cold outside.
[ Posted Fri, 18 Nov 2011 19:56:51 ]
I woke up, and didn’t get out of bed. I got out of bed late, and ate a poptart instead of going to estes. I went to math. I finished my lab notebook that I forgot to do last night. I went to chemistry. I went to service, and Matthew kept smelling my hair. I took a shower yesterday, so that is why. I did my french homework in the library, and went to french…
The night before last would interest you much more, because I went to Mally’s and Ryan’s. We went to walmart, and saw Stevie and Jane. Stevie said he was selling, so Ryan and I decided to get some. My money was in the car though, and the stuff was at Stevie’s house. Or maybe it was Jane’s house, I have no idea. xD When we got back to Ryan’s house, Mally gave me a shit ton of clothes. Ryan went to go get the weed, but when he came back he realized he forgot his wallet, and the weed that Stevie gave us was definitely not two grams. More like one and three quarters. So we all decided to go with Ryan to where Stevie was, and smoke bowls in the car. That was fun, Mally and I were already high by the time we got to Stevies. He had a dog, but it didn’t bother me as much because I was high. Well, it wasn’t near me often at all, so that’s another reason… But Stevie had this pretty purple bong, and he asked if we wanted to hit it. It was very nice, so we did. Then Ryan put our weed in the bong, and Mally got to hit her first bong hit.. It was silly. xD On tv, there was a commercial for a movie that was blue and orange, and I remembered that thing I read, so I was telling them about it, but they didn’t get it. I sent Stevie it on facebook later, and he thought it was crazy. xD
But yeah. Adventures! Distractions, galore!
If I were in a fantasy novel,
[ Posted Thu, 17 Nov 2011 16:01:41 ]
I think I would be an evil sorceress. That isn’t my choice of what I would be. But I believe that sounds like an accurate role for me to play.
A guy that worked at Target
[ Posted Thu, 17 Nov 2011 14:13:00 ]
asked me if I was a star wars fan. I was wearing a Star Wars shirt, so this made sense. I said yes but then he asked me how many children Bobba Fett had, and I felt like an idiot because I didn’t know. ): I walked away feeling stupid and he told me four. Now i know.
Tagged with: I should really be a better Star Wars fan, I suck
My eyes hurt
[ Posted Tue, 15 Nov 2011 03:46:00 ]
and for once it isn’t because of tears! I don’t know why, though.
I watched Moulin Rouge with Will, John, Cody, and Randy today. It was soooo good. Ewan was lovely. John likes Ewan Mcgregor too! :D Sham started creeping on me at dinner, because now he knows I don’t have a boyfriend, but Megan, Hilary, Cody and I talked about how he is creepy and gross and we don’t like him, and that made me feel better. xD
It’s nice having friends. I didn’t want friends before because I figured everyone at RMC sucked, but these guys are awesome. And it’s not like we do anything, we just hang out in Cody, Will, Randy, and Wirth’s room. Because it’s so fucking huge. xD John and I played Aegis Wing today, I told him to download it because it’s free. It reminds me of Garrett, because I always play with him, so that was nice..
Zac Q&A:
no, no, no. Perhaps in person, but text is fine. I enjoy still being friends of course.
Yes, yes I do. I do not want you to be sad at all. The fact that you feel guilty for feeling happy is completely wrong! Do not feel that way. Please, feel as happy as you can be. If you had a new girl to focus your attention on, you wouldn’t think of me as much. It does not offend me if you are not depressed. I have been keeping myself distracted with the multitude of friends that came out of nowhere… you should be doing the same!
… And I keep almost calling all of the guys ‘Zac’. xD
Tagged with: sham has a tumblr so I hope he doesn't see this. xD I'll feel mean.
Zacry
[ Posted Mon, 14 Nov 2011 18:59:00 ]
The truth is, I don’t really want to talk about you, or think about you. I suppose that doesn’t sound like a nice way to start this post, but here’s why. It makes me sad. Believe it or not, it makes me sad to lose you, even if I did it. It makes me sad that there will be no more memories. When it’s time to move on for me, that is exactly what I do. I’m so good and quick because I know how to distract myself. I’m sorry that you don’t think I should be feeling this way, or acting this way, but it’s kind of similar to our situation before. I didn’t understand how you didn’t want to talk to me more, and didn’t want me to be in your life more. Now you don’t understand how I can get you out of my mind so quickly…
But that isn’t what I came to talk about, oh my. I wish to end this on a positive note. I just want to explain to you, I wish I could put it in better words… Truthfully, it does more harm than good to dwell on the past, and so I just don’t. And you shouldn’t either, honestly. I don’t want you to be sad. I want you to get out there and score some cute new lady friend. But I know you won’t do that….
Oh, Zacry, how I will miss you! You are one of the most adorable boys I have ever met and will ever meet in my life. Oh my goodness, your freckles and your lovely nose. But what’s more adorable than your physical qualities are surely your other traits… Gah, when you would speak in that cute voice… and kiss me! and snuggle. And you are so smart! It makes such a difference to date someone intelligent. I can’t even begin to describe your creativity, either. And you are just so odd.. Such an interesting person from the beginning. That’s why I liked you at first. I found you interesting.
I had so much fun with you. We were so comfortable together. I’ll never forget the car rides, or being in the attic, or at your house when your mother was gone… And I do not regret staying with you for awhile in college. That was a great choice although it made me upset at times. I feel like we got much closer, in a way. We made a lot of wonderful memories… You were definitely the best boyfriend I ever had, there’s no competition. You are just.. such a great person. You really are. I’m glad I got to spend as much time with you as I did. Thank you, honestly.
Please, please, please. Do not dwell on this. You deserve to be enjoying school, and life. (:
I know I said I would make a long post tonight...
[ Posted Mon, 14 Nov 2011 03:24:01 ]
but… I haven’t finished my homework yet, and I am super tired. I’m so sorry. ): I know you want to read it. I just. I can’t do it right now. But I will. I will, and it will be good.
distractions.
[ Posted Mon, 14 Nov 2011 02:42:32 ]
I’m sorry I wasn’t answering your texts. I just wanted a constant distraction, and so I wasn’t paying attention to my phone until you called. I just. I need to be distracted. As soon as John left, I just started crying and shit. I haven’t even done my homework yet… I just want more distractions. I’m sorry I worried you. ): I don’t know what to do. I know I’m probably not feeling as bad as you are, because I heal quicker, but I still wish to distract…
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