why.
[ Posted Wed, 09 Mar 2011 23:34:58 ]
i dont lie to you, you know that. and so, im not lying when i say i feel nearly exactly the same as you do right now, or at least, during this period of time. but i have some problems. and i hate being the downer, because i always am. i love how happy you are, and i do not wish to take that away by being unhappy. but i have problems with my thoughts, with the way that i think. i shouldnt, i really shouldnt. but i do. i wish i could be like the guy in ‘its kind of a funny story’, because once he realizes there are people way worse off than him, he realizes his life is awesome and lives it to its full potential. why cant i do that, when i know my life is awesome? why does my mind still insist that it wants to be unhappy?
this usually only happens at night. occasionally it happens at other times, but mostly night. its really annoying, but its been happening as long as i remember, and i think ive explained it to my parents a million fucking times and they still dont understand it, or dont believe me to why i cannot get to sleep at night. but i dont really care if they understand or not. its never irritated me until now though. i mean, im used to it, im used to being sad. but finally, when i have this chance to be happy, when i am happy, i still cant manage to keep it up at night. why is this? is it because im completely alone? i dont know, i think it still sometimes happens when im talking to someone, or with someone. and i just cry and cry, and my eyes hurt every morning. im so unhappy at night, and im so unhappy i cant go to sleep. even when im tired, exhausted. half the time, i still cant sleep. why? why? why does this happen to me? im tired of it, im done with it, i should be done with it, i have reason now to be done with it. sometimes i think things that arent even true, but i end up believing they are, and then im upset. sometimes i just think of everything, and none of it seems to be positive, but i swear its everything because i cant think of anything else.
i cant even work on my fucking french project right now because im too upset to do anything but complain complain and whine. to someone who i dont even really want reading this. only because i dont want to make you unhappy. i dont want to be the cause.. i dont want you unhappy even if its not me though… but still, i couldnt stand being the cause… but i have to tell you, because its what i feel. even if i dont like it. i dont even know why it happens. i guess theres always something to worry about in my mind. its all pathetic stuff, really, all stupid. none of it should be important. since i dgaf about most things.. i havent even been able to decide on outfits at night because im too busy moping. what is wrong with me? im sorry, im sorry. you make me feel the opposite of this. but perhaps i forget, i must be forgetting what that feels like, what you feel like.. forgive me, forgive me! forgive me and my troubled mind. i want to know, i want to remember! but my thoughts, my rotting, terrible thoughts, are suffocating me. i want you, just you. what is the cause of this? why is this happening.. why are we so young, why cant i have you right now.. it makes no sense, im sorry, im sorry! this isnt how you make me feel, but how could i have forgotten? how can one forget such a wonderful thing so easily.. oh, why am i so forgetful! oh, how im terrified! but i cant live in fear, so perhaps thats only why the fear comes out at night.. i dont think of it otherwise. but oh im scared! im scared for you! im afraid of myself, of how i change! why oh why am i so dramatic, an actor, good heavens is it not obvious! i wish to go outside, in the warm night air (if it were warm, that is) and scream! scream and cry and sob, and maybe that would be the end of it! or maybe there will be no end, maybe its continuous. maybe my thoughts, my feelings, will converge to a certain point, indefinitely, like sequences and series in math. the same feelings, always on the same path, but perhaps they will be getting smaller. perhaps all my troubles and fears will gradually, very gradually, and over a long period of time, disappear. perhaps, perhaps, perhaps… we shall see. we shall, we shall! im insane. i need to sleep, oh how i wish i could! how i wish i could lay my head down on you, on your neck, on your naked torso, and kiss you softly, and listen to you talk, listen to you whisper, and fall asleep to your voice! oh how i yearn for the day, i live for it in fact! this is my number one goal for now; my father would tell me to get my priorities straight! ha! i think i have mine straighter than he has his! HA!
i think youre different, i think this is different, i think this will continue to be different, i think ill feel different, so why do i fear? i shouldnt, i shouldnt, the past doesnt apply to something so strange and new and wonderful. no application! none! just the now, i need to know that, i need to remember that. i need to hear you, i need to see you, i need to smell you, i need to touch you, i need to taste you. i need you, i really do. scary, huh? ive always been straight forward, and that scares people away. but i know it wont scare you, i know i wont scare you. because were balanced, our feelings are balanced, our actions are balanced, thats why this is so perfect. and it is. perfect. im happy. i am, really. perhaps not at this exact moment but. im working on it.
Doesn't it feel great to get it all out?!
[ Posted Wed, 09 Mar 2011 20:31:47 ]
I for one, am entertained. :D
MY PEOPLE WILL BE GONE LATER ON TONIGHT
[ Posted Wed, 09 Mar 2011 18:38:04 ]
thespaceindian:
So I'll be able to type some stuff out of my mind tonight.
TIME TO SPILL IT ALL.
HELL YES. SPILL ALL OF IT. ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
dont know.
[ Posted Wed, 09 Mar 2011 17:00:06 ]
i dont know what i want to paint on my soccer ball yet, so im procrastinating doing it. i want to do it. but i dont know what to paint on it.. of course, it doesnt even really matter what i paint on it, because that doesnt have to represent anything. the real hard part, is finding four things that represent me in some way to place on my ‘planet’. see, i hate projects like this because i dont know anything positive about myself. idk what ‘represents’ me. what the helll. and its frustrating, because i love creative projects, because they are fun. but i dont like this part. like how once we had to make a ‘family crest’ but put things on it that represented our family.. i enjoyed making a crest out of paper mache, but the actual things on it were difficult to think of.. and mine always end up being retarded. because im fucking retarded.
for some reason recently, or something like that at least, i havent felt completely suckish. but now its all coming back to me. i think it has to do with math. i feel like im terrible at math now. and im scared, because i have nowhere else to go. i have nothing else that im ‘good’ at. what am i supposed to do when im in college if i cant do math anymore? whats happening? why cant i think for myself, why cant i think outside the box? am i too lazy now? is that it? can i not think, because i dont feel like it, because im too lazy to put forth the effort to think? im worried, im freaking out. its easy to get As and Bs, its easy once you figure out the school system, the grading system. that doesnt show im smart. my grades or my class rank do not show that im smart. i do not feel fucking intelligent. i feel like a retard, like i cant do anything, like i cant think about anything useful. and its not just math, its especially english too. and im sure if i was actually in a difficult science class, id be freaking out too. i felt like i didnt understand half the things in physics last year, but since i could do most of the math, and i know how IB works, i managed to get a 4 overall. people who paid attention the whole year, who i thought understood it better than i did, got 3s. i feel so fucking stupid in english class, its coming back to me, i want to cry again. when we had to write about the stupid man from bogata, i probably would have cried if a soft, wonderful, delicious smelling boy was not next to me. i used to cry in english all the time.. ive always thought of it as my worst subject. i think it was because i was mad. i used to read books all the time. all i would do was read. and then, they started telling me that all these things meant something, and i didnt want them to. i didnt want to have to find them. i just wanted to read. that alone makes me feel unintelligent. people are so dumb now, because they are so lazy. and thats what i am. just like everyone else, i want everything to just come easy. its because im spoiled, though, i think. i dont get everything i want, but i have far more than the average person, and when i was younger i was definitely spoiled. ive never had to get a job. i dont have to drive. i dont have to do laundry, or make dinner, or really do any sort of chores. im unresponsible and lazy, because i dont want to do anything. i just want everything to be easy, everything to come to me, and that is why my brain is mush, and i am not intelligent. its bothersome, but what can i do. i never make the effort to change. i dont feel like it.
how pitiful, how fucking pathetic i am! i hate it, but at the same time, i dont care enough. obviously. if i did, id be fucking intelligent by now.
fuck you.
[ Posted Mon, 07 Mar 2011 18:54:27 ]
i refuse to not make plans this weekend. you cannot tell me to not make plans this weekend, because we will be cleaning. no, we fucking wont be cleaning. im going to hang out with zac. im going to suck his dick, just to spite you (no, its mostly because i want him to feel good! haa) and im going to have a sleepover with michelle. and were going to smoke fucking drugs. and my weekend is going to be fucking great. so FUCK YOU. you cant tell me what to do. not anymore. im an adult, bitches. TRY ME. i could run away and you couldnt do anything about it! im not required to live with you anymore. i refuse to be kept in this cage any longer. i need freedom - and i will have it. mother at least partially understands this. why cant you? i bet your parents didnt make you do all this shit. you were a rich bitch. you had a lot of girls, from what ive heard (lost your virginity at 18.. yeah right! another lie…). you were popular, im sure you hung out with your cool friends and did cool drugs. you could do whatever you wanted, because you were the son of a rich man. so why the hell are you doing this to me? why cant i do what i want to do? you turned out fine, right? HA, yeah right, you cheating, lying, secret-keeping son of a bitch. is that what this is? you dont want your dear daughter to turn out like her daddy-o? no, no. its because you are a power-hungry, controlling, monster of a person. and im done with it. im done with you. you cant control me anymore. i feel bad for my poor mother and my dear sister. because you have them. thats why i make you so mad, isnt it? because you dont have me. and you wont ever. i will never let you have your way with me, especially not anymore. so guess what?! fuck you, father!
squigggle:
:D
Typically, I don't like this stuff because the background has NOTHING to do with the caption, but this time it does! Because I think of you and the beach ;)
EXACTLY! THATS WHAT I WAS THINKING
this shirt is so comfortable.
[ Posted Mon, 07 Mar 2011 16:30:55 ]
im so tired. idk why. do i post too much on this blog? i think i do. xD because when i have nothing better to do, im just like.. oh, im going to go post something! because zac is going to read it!
i had a thought today, in the car, on the way to school. i was wondering, if this was too much. i was wondering if there was too much emphasis, too much importance… because i think, according to anyone else, there would be. i remember reading magazines when i was younger, and the ‘love’ sections were always my favorite, because i wanted to know as much as i could about boys, and what to do and not to do. and one of the very repetitive ‘not to do’ things was not to place too much importance in a relationship. to hang out with your friends and not just your boyfriend. because when hes gone, youll have nothing left. but i thought, i dont want to hang out with anyone very often, because i dont like anyone.. and if i do, i hang out with them. if i feel like hanging out with shell, i will. i was gonna hang out with you friday, but then i went to a rave and saw you saturday instead. i dont talk to anyone often, its not like im ignoring anyone because of you. if i didnt have you, i just wouldnt be very happy, and id be lonely, and a ho. XD if i didnt have you anymore, its not like i wouldnt have any friends either. so fuck what anyone ever says, or anyone snickering at our matching tshirts. ;P they are just jealous that they dont have someone like that. someone like you! mmm, youre the best.
i think i may start painting my french project today. my mother said i can go to the art show with you! and she told me i need to tell you to convince your mom to let you hang out with me on weekdays xD haa.
perhaps..
[ Posted Sun, 06 Mar 2011 23:20:00 ]
all it took was finally loading your cds on my itunes to put me in a better mood. that, and staring at your silly pictures and thinking about tomorrow. now i can lay in bed without being depressed!
Tagged with: (:
blow.
[ Posted Sun, 06 Mar 2011 22:42:00 ]
today sucked.
i lit incense in my bathroom to make my dad think i smoked.
drawing the house was okay, and so was thai food and whisper of the heart.
i think i pretty much cried from like five thirty until now, off and on.
goddammit, im sorry. im the pathetic one. seriously though, you are in no way pathetic. you are a hard worker, youre intelligent, creative, artistic, motivated (at least more than i am!), good looking (;, and a span of other wonderful things that will cause you to get where you want to in life. you will be successful, especially from your definition of successful. i cant see how it would go wrong for someone like you. im the pathetic one, you know? i have no idea what i want to do, im unmotivated, im lazy. im intelligent but i dont use it. i dont care. i have all the resources and i dont use them. i have no self esteem. and there are millions of people even worse than i am. you are in no way cut out to be a failure…please dont listen to her. she obviously has no idea what shes talking about (you might be thinking: and i do? well.. i think i really do, more so than her anyways), and is just taking out her stress and anger on you. you. are. wonderful. and you can do whatever you want, i know you can.
damn, im sorry ! i cant even do anything, i cant even say anything to you right now because i dont know what to say. i dont know how to put my thoughts into words… its difficult. feelings are different than words. yet, i try and try to put them into words, every day, multiple times, on here. it just doesnt work.
and so, i just cry and cry.. which doesnt help anything. but i think, sometimes it does help me. at least like. get out my feelings, i suppose. no, thats not right.. here i go again, unable to express myself. i can never get anything right..
i cry about the weirdest things too. its not just normal upset-ness. i cry during most movies. i was basically sobbing by the end of the one i just watched. and why? i think i relate movies to life too much. maybe i dont like a movie unless it makes me cry? XD maybe thats why i dont really like action-y movies much. idk. but when i cry, i dont stop. i keep finding more and more reasons to cry, and its not like im looking for them, they just come to me. they could be about different emotions too. one minute i could be crying out of frustration, or annoyance, and the next minute ill be crying because i like somebody too much and i cant handle it. or rather, i dont know how to handle it.
fuck. life is so stupid. how can i think so differently, how can i change my mind so drastically, in the span of one day? tomorrow will be better. i know it will be, because you said it will be. and i believe you. because youre right.
dgaf
[ Posted Sun, 06 Mar 2011 18:11:00 ]
most of the time, usually, when i say dgaf, i honestly mean it. but i have found, that when i do care about something that i shouldnt, i do tell myself i dgaf. even though i dont. because i know that i should. i should not give a fuck about these stupid fucking things that make me upset. okay, usually when i say ‘should’, i dont even agree with the ‘should’ i just say ‘should’ because its what everyone else, what my parents, think. but when i use should this time, i really mean it. I SHOULD NOT GIVE A FLYING FUCK. so then.. why do i? if i honestly feel that i shouldnt be feeling in such a way, if i have reasons to why i shouldnt be feeling this way, then why do i still feel it? why do these many small things bother me? im not threatened. im not paranoid. so why? why? why can i not care? how come i have to give a fuck. i dont want to give a fuck. i dont like it. i feel bad too, because its not something that should bother me so insanely much. im not insecure, am i? no, no. thats not fucking it. and im not worried. im not jealous. so why the FUCK do i feel this way? why do i ALWAYS feel this way, and why do i CONTINUE to feel this way? it makes no sense, i make no sense. im tired of it, but i cant stop it. i dont know how. nothing will work. its the most irrational thing i ever feel, and it happens all the time. im fucking tired of it.
I HATE BEING A FUCKING GIRL. IM SO FUCKING DONE WITH IT. I WANT TO DGAF DGAF DGAF DGAF DGAF DGAF DGAF DGAF DGAF DGAF DGAF UNTIL IM DEAD.
afterglow
[ Posted Sun, 06 Mar 2011 17:49:00 ]
i rarely get a chance to bask in the afterglow of a wonderful day - or two wonderful days. i think the day after a magnificent day automatically seems worse, and then anything bad that happens is multiplied by at least five, because i just want to go back to that fucking great day, i want to go back to yesterday. i am so bothered by everything today. i just went in my bathroom to go pee, and i almost cried because of how it looks now. it doesnt look like my bathroom at all, i felt like i was in someone elses room. i am annoyed. i am frustrated. i am bothered. and all i want to do is think about yesterday, but even that is barely helping me.
ive tried a million times to explain to them why i like my things the way they are. i dont understand how someone can force you to change the place you are living in to suit them. when they shouldnt even be in there. when you are in there most of the time, when you are in there to be comfortable. how can someone abuse their power like that? how can someone be so selfish? how do they not understand how this makes me feel? i am very unhappy with today. it doesnt even matter that im getting thai food tonight, because that wont make me feel better. my fluffies are practically ruined, and they were my favorite and i bought them with my own money. my bathroom almost looks like a hotel bathroom. impersonal. ive been getting yelled at all day, when ive been doing what ive been told to do. im tired of being home. i wish it was nice outside, so i could go on my swings.
goddammit. why do i let them get to me.
dreamle-ees
[ Posted Sun, 06 Mar 2011 15:01:00 ]
so. i can barely remember the first one. i think it was at my cousins house? my cousins garrett and austin. but it didnt look like their house, but it was in my dream? and i was supposed to be staying in the room i always was in, but some egyptian guy was in there? i dont really remember this one. but i was ouside in the garden, and i started running, and there was this black strip so i went for that so i didnt crush the plants, but i fell, and i read a sign, and it was supposed to be some jumping game.. so i started jumping, but then at the end, i tumbled, and then we were entangled, and it was like you had been there the whole time, i acted like this was perfectly normal that you just appeared all over me. and there was this like moving truck? i think it had my stuff in it, but we just hugged each other on the side of it, on the outside. and it was like you werent supposed to be there, and we were sneaking around.. i dont really remember what we did though. thats all.
the weird part was the beginning of this dream, because i swear that this was all the same dream, even though its with different people? so, i dont know who i was, or who you were, because if these people were us, they didnt look like us.. anyways, there was this young bride and groom, and this older boy and this younger girl, and the children (well, they werent really children, but they werent the married ones so well call them that, well i thought the girl was young but then.. idk) were following the married couple, into their new house (they were all running, too, if that matters?). it was an old house, that was tall instead of wide, an old wooden house on the side of the road, where the only thing near it was a parking lot. when the married couple got in, they were like making out. but then i dont know where the boy went, or the younger girl, because then all the sudden there was an older girl who looked sort of like me, and she took off her dress and just had shorts on, and a shirt. and the groom stopped making out with his bride and was looking at this older girl, and its like she was flirting with him but i dont really know.
and then my dream changed all the sudden, but it was the same dream because it was the same house.? but the house was your house, well not yours but your parents. there had been something on the news about the police wanting to kill your sister (apparently, the police in my dreams are never the good guys), and you guys had run away to find this house, and you were in hiding. and i had come with you. your sister was younger, perhaps in elementary school or sixth grade. your mother looked completely different, she had short hair that was mostly gray, and glasses, but she looked very kind. i think i was still scared though. your father was a bigger man, with dark hair, and a bit of facial hair. i think you looked the same, although perhaps not as lanky (but thats one thing i love about you!), and perhaps with your hair a bit different, i believe? but the same color. anyways, somehow i had heard that my parents were looking for me? and this doesnt make sense, but i was in the back of marie’s car when i heard about this, because she was talking to herself. she was looking for me, up and down the street, and i didnt want her to see the house you were staying in, and she saw a car that looked like mine but it wasnt… and then we passed your house, and all four of you were outside playing ping pong, and you were all wearing white clothes, and your hair looked darker… and then i saw myself in her mirror, and realized i was in her car. so i scooted down so she wouldnt see me, but just then she saw me, and started talking to me, but i didnt understand what she was saying. and then somehow my mom was driving, and marie was in the passenger seat, and i explained to them that i had to hide away with my friend because they wanted to kill his sister. and they were all like oh, okay, thats fine! and i told them to drop me off right there, which was on the street a bit away from your house. and then i got out, but then my mom was like wait! and she threw something at me, and it looked like a weird huge spoon thing, and she told me that its used to smooth pillows down. and i was like.. uh.. okay? XD i was confused, but i took it and my yellow and pink and green bag, and i ran up the street (which was like a hill) and then to the side, and there was your house, near the parking lot. and i went in it, and realized there were like 4 or 5 stories. and i was exploring your house because you four were still playing ping pong, but now it was inside, and you werent wearing white anymore. and so i found your room, which looked nearly exactly as it does in real life, and i jumped on your bed, and layed there. and then you appeared, but we went in your bathroom, and you were showing me your bathroom? but then we heard something, so we ran out of your room and i went to the bathroom in the hall (which looked like the bathroom from my townhouse, because the stairs were across from it), and i could see outside of the bathroom, but people couldnt see inside of it? and it was really weird because i was going to the bathroom, and your mom was like looking at me, but she couldnt see me, and she was talking to you about welcoming me to my room, which was down the hall, and you were all complaining.. and then i got out of the bathroom, and all of my clothes and stuff were EVERYWHERE on the floor (there was also a dresser, randomly in the hallway?), and i felt so bad, we had to get boxes to put it all in, and i wondered out loud, ‘how did all that stuff fit in my bag?’ and i kept saying sorry but your mom didnt seem to mind, and then we went to the room i was staying in which had a piano in it, and a lot of other random things, but it was fun. and thats all i remember. :P
i wish i could draw the house from the outside, cause it looked really cool… ill try one day.
Tagged with: (:
okay,
[ Posted Sun, 06 Mar 2011 12:57:16 ]
fuck. my mind is still focused on how i want to just fucking hug you right now because you are too damn adorable. fuck. i dont even remember what i was going to post about. i just want to daydream about your possible future apartment, and how ill practically live on your bed. i never knew life could be so good.
my father never talked to me about anything, so im pretty sure hes just gonna go into denial about it. which is perfectly good with me. XD
thats right, i was going to talk about my dreams. but i cant just yet, because i have to clean and my break doesnt last for much longer. but i shall type them up, as much as i remember of them, especially since you were in them.
i dont know why its so important, but i have this constant fear of my children not loving me. i used to think it was a tad bit irrational, but now i dont know anymore. from things ive heard about how people feel about their mothers, im terrified. i dont know why i need them to love me so much. i dont understand it. i dont even have kids yet? sometimes when i think about them, its like they already exist. i dont know, i dont know, im scared.
so fucking annoyed.
[ Posted Fri, 04 Mar 2011 18:33:24 ]
why is it FUCKING necessary to make your child buy mace and a rape whistle? now we fucking have to go all the way to dicks, and were going to be late. and im already annoyed because eryns coming over at 7, and the balogs arent even here yet so im only going to have like 15 minutes with them, and i love them, and its not fair. i want to have dinner with them, and talk, and joke around, and be italians. and i want to go to the rave, and have a blast, because tyrus got ecstasy for me. xD and i dont know why everything cant just be simple, why people cant follow fucking plans. mrs balog said theyd come at like six.. and its six thirty.. and now ill have no time with them… and i had a good day, and ive been happy, and ill be happy (SO FUCKING HAPPY LOL) later, but when people screw up plans, its something that really freaking bothers me. its something that i cant stand. i am my fathers daughter.
and now hes all upset because i had to tell him where it was, and its a ‘bad part of town’. and he told me not to do drugs. XD and they are all like D< we need to decide when youll be home! and man. i dont wanna go home. ima be on e. xD i wish it wouldnt wear off by the time i see you, my dear. but it will. ah well. :P ill have a good night ! haaa. .. a fucking expensive night! >.< which is slightly annoying, because i dont like spending money, but OH WELL. ITLL BE FUN. ILL JUST PRETEND IT WAS ALL FREE , CAUSE I LIKE FREE THINGS.
FUCK i seriously wish you could come with me. i wish that so badly. im going to be on e! why, oh why will you not be with me?!
memory.
[ Posted Fri, 04 Mar 2011 17:44:32 ]
we were at hunters house. hunter meredith. me, hunter, omar, rose, and im pretty sure michelle. we were exploring his woods, going wherever we pleased. i was going crazy, it was a nice day outside. i was speaking loud, in many voices, and like a baby. i was having a grand ole time… and nearly everyone else was too. except for omar, of course. omar was angry. angry egyptian. he was annoyed. at me. but i just kept joking around with him, trying to cheer him up, speaking with my silly voices. and then he yelled at me. he yelled at me, and complained and asked why i always did this, why i would sometimes do this and sound like a child. no one came to my defense. i hate admitting it, but when someone i really care about is angry or upset with me, i cant stand it. i dont know what to do, its overwhelming. i despise being so weak. i cant remember exactly what happened, but i somehow got away from everyone, and hid, crying the whole time. (what a fucking drama queen. i hate remembering things ive done…because i wouldnt do them now.) eventually they found me, and we went back off and did stuff. and then i did something else (i honestly cant remember) that i assume did not make omar happy, because then he yelled at me again, and this time i fell down right there and wailed. i screamed. i cried. i ran away, and found steps to sit on.. eventually, omar came to find me, and he didnt say anything, he just sat on the ground, a bit away from me. what happened next must have been unimportant, because i dont remember. all i remember is what i was feeling, most of that day. and it was just.. the worst. perhaps i couldnt stand to be the cause of someones unhappiness, that is already so unhappy? im not sure. im not sure why it made me so upset that i acted like a child and screamed and cried so much, and i couldnt help but be so dramatic. i think if that same thing happened now, id handle it much differently. i think back then, i also cared slightly, about what people thought. i think i was humiliated. but i most certainly wouldnt be this time around. id still cry, because i have trouble dealing with anger… but still. nothing like that would happen anyways. its just something i thought of, today.
Day eight: a photo of your favorite band/musician.
I DONT HAVE ONE. i like too many at the moment, and im not going to post pictures of all of them. i like all of my music, but im constantly getting new music, and then ill listen to that more often then the old for awhile, but then ill go back to just listening to everything. sometimes i have periods of time where i really feel like listening to a few groups, for awhile it was efterklang, a fine frenzy, vampire weekend, grizzly bear, matt & kim, simon & garfunkel, the beatles, passion pit, ingrid michaelson, pheonix, feist, the killers (although they were a bit earlier).. perhaps im missing a few. but when i was a bit younger, my favorites where the academy is…, system of a down, cute is what we aim for, all-american rejects, 30 seconds to mars, from first to last, hellogoodbye, my chemical romance, nine inch nails, panic! at the disco, playradioplay!, shiny toy guns, silverstein, sugarcult, taking back sunday, this providence… that wasnt all at once, i just cant remember how most of it was split.. alot of it was from my ‘emo’ days (SO COOL). but then there were happy sounds too.. anyways, then i had my crazy techno phase, and then my crazy korean band stage.. there was even an ‘omar metal music’ stage (gwar, the black dahlia murder), and a ‘patrick 65daysofstatic/maybeshewill music’ stage. also sort of a jayson music one, cept i already liked what he liked, i just listened to it a bit more, probably (a day to remember, the devil wears prada). AND NOW ITS ZAC MUSIC. but zac music is so much more interesting, and i pretty much like all of it so far (im terrified to get to the country cd, if you must know…) . i cant wait to get more! ^-^ the point is, all of my ‘favorites’ stop being my favorites at some point. but i still love them all. i still listen to all of my music, and its lovely. most of it contains memories, because i have these stages, and i mostly listen to certain types of music during certain periods of my life. for instance, whenever i listen to serj tankian, i think of the book series ‘cirque du freak’, because i listened to him while i read. when i listen to certain ingrid michaelson songs, they make me think of michelle, as well as the killers, playradioplay!, and this providence (certain songs, only, usually). when i listen to certain pheonix songs they make me think of getting high in my bathroom. when i listen to the academy is… or the all american reject’s first album, i nearly always think of hunter. i could go on and on, but im already fucking rambling. STILL, at the moment, i have no favorite. i have no preference. ive mostly been listening to dubstep, ZAC music, and my father’s old music. but just the other day, i listened to 30 seconds to mars while i cleaned. i put on hellogoodbye before i went to sleep one night, because they are all happy love songs. i always listen to my old favorites, even randomly. SO YEAH. SHIBAM
scattered; random.
[ Posted Thu, 03 Mar 2011 19:25:38 ]
cameron is such a nice person! i dont think ive ever even been annoyed at her. today i was waiting for my mom, and i was really cold, and cameron was all like i can give you a ride! but i was like, oh no, my mom is coming, but thank you so much! i dont know who couldnt like cameron.. XD i remember, she thought that you didnt like her. she was like, i think he thinks im really stupid or something. and i was like he probably doesnt like you, because he doesnt like anyone because he SUCKS. she brought up that you probably didnt like her, because i was complaining about you to a few girls in chorus, and she was one of them. and i was obviously somewhat mad at you, since i remember telling her that you probably didnt like her and you probably did think she was stupid (because you dont like anyone, and think everyones stupid). XD jeez, for someone who doesnt care about anything, i sure complained about you an awful lot…
the things is, what girls do, is agree with other girls about boys. so i thought i was in the right the whole time (well actually, i still sorta think i was mostly in the right, except for my slightly mean comments, that i obviously didnt mean anyways). xD and i suppose i never felt completely better, because you kept doing it. you kept being irritating, and acting like you liked me when you didnt. if it only happened once, i could have complained once or twice and been done with it. but it kept fucking happening. im not blaming you, i think a lot of it was unconscious on your part, plus me being a girl and making things mean things that they dont…and all i did, was tell people i wanted to punch you, and that i hated you, and then id make fun of you sometimes (which you already know about). shelby was the only one who really told me, you dont really hate him vittoria. and i was like goddammit. xD i must say, im very happy i can tell you all this, and you not be freaked out by it. haa.
_________
this happened a long time ago, but i meant to bring it up… when facemire had her talk during lunch to shelby and i about going/not going to states, she brought up the fact that during that entire practice we both had our cell phones out and were texting, and everyone thought it was rude. im sorry (/sarcasm), but if i hadnt have been talking to someone so lovely, i would have gotten sick. i was already feeling sick, just being there. texting zac was the only thing that was making me the tiniest bit happy. it was like i needed it, or i would fall apart. i just wanted to explain my ‘rudeness’. because i didnt find it rude. i needed it, and im sure shelby needed to talk to someone else too.
__________
apparently, mrs facemire has cancer? ovarian cancer. its not right to tell your students that, but i digress. i told my mom. and my mom felt so freaking bad for her, my mom was saying how she wouldnt wish that on anybody. my mom nearly HATES mrs facemire. i dont get it. i dont get my mom. am i really that terrible of a person because i dont feel bad for mrs facemire? i mean, of course its unfortunate, but i really dont care. she cheats on her husband, what a terrible influence to her young daughter. to her students. shes a bitch. shes like a high school girl, and its gross. goddammit, i am a terrible person. wait, why does this thought process make one a horrible person? i dont think someone is horrible if they think like this? ah well. dgaf, again.
_________
je suis inquiet. un peu, pour ma soeur. she is so young, so naive. and here she is, going off on a trip for days without me, without my parents, without any family, and instead with a group of people who are not the best people. what could happen, right? but still. idk what it is. i said something today about it in french, and madame thought it was rather nice of me. i really enjoy that ena and i do not fight often anymore. oh, how much we have matured!
_________
patrick told me about how tyrus(i think?) told him about how at raves, they just smoke out of bongs and people ask everywhere for ecstasy and stuff and idk. and i was like.. TYRUS IS GOING. I MUST TEXT HIM. AND TALK TO HIM ABOUT DRUGS. XD i would really love to be on some kind of drug, at some point in the night. xD haha wooo! i just texted him and he was like suree sounds like a plan! XD cause i told him id sneak away from ern and richard and do drugs with him ahaha. my honey, do you want me to tell you if/when i take a/several drug(s)? XD cause i will, cause i know you wont care. and dont worry, i wont do anything stupid or take anything untrustworthy.. im not that desperate! but now im even more excited :D BECAUSE DRUGS ARE EXCITING. it will make my experience at a rave so much better! BWAHHH. EXCITEMENT!!!!
________
as ive already said, today was a pretty good day. therefore, i thank you. (: thank you, thank you, thank you my lovely. i have a feeling my days will always be pretty decent from now on.. :D
also, as a side note. i just wanted you to know.. if you want to go to vt more than vcu, go there. i figure this is a DUH… but if thats where you want to go, thats where i want you to go. no doubts about it. i will not be upset (well okay, of course i will be, but not with you, and not for long. ill be k, and i know you will be too). but its not something i really care to talk about.. xD i just wanted to let you know, i fully support whatever shall make you happy. and if you are happy, i know i will be.
UNSTOPPABLE
[ Posted Thu, 03 Mar 2011 18:34:27 ]
i dont give a fuck that i had to walk around in blue sweatpants and boots with red suspenders hanging out the whole day. i dont care what i look like - yes, i did look cute before the sweatpants. but the only person i want to think im cute is zac, and he will think that no matter what im wearing (even if its nothing ;D ).. so i really could care less about that part. it didnt ruin my day at all, i had a wonderful A day, one of the best ive had probably. what bothered me, is the way the principal went about it all. okay, so i dont like to be told what to do. but i was handling it very maturely, better than ive ever handled something since i usually at least make an attempt to fight back. its not that she was the principal, its just that i didnt really mind changing, and i figured it MIGHT happen (although ive worn those shorts this year before…), and it just wasnt a big deal to me. so i accepted it, i told her calmly and with no attitude that i had nothing with me and no one to bring me clothes. we walked to the office, and she asked me if i had gym clothes and i said no, but that i was pretty sure they had some in the office. when we got there, she told me to call a parent to bring me something and i told her both of them were at work (again, with zero attitude) and she practically screamed at me, telling me that if i didnt change MISSY, id have to be in in school suspension the whole day because i couldnt go around looking like THAT all day (should i be offended by that last comment?)! and i was just like… can i call my friend that lives close and see if shes at school yet? and she said sure, and just left and i called becca and becca brought me brittany’s pants. even if she didnt, i just would have asked the office for gym shorts? i was so fucking annoyed that the bitch blew up on me when i was fucking doing everything im supposed to. and how am i rewarded? I GET INSULTED. i dont fucking care what you think, miss MOORE, because i am not a ho. i dont like to wear pants. i wear leggings (and never see-through leggings) nearly every time i wear skirts or shorts, and if i wear a skirt without leggings, i have shorts underneath (very rare). i do not under any circumstance have my boobies hanging out like most girls at the school (in case you havent noticed), and i never wear JUST TIGHTS with a shirt, like many girls also do. im not trying to get attention, clearly. dont you think i would shave my legs then? not wear tights? not wear shorts under my skirts? show off MAH TITTIES?! but whatever. i wont let you upset me, because i dont fucking give a shit about what you think. like my dearest one said to me this morning, its just high school. ITS K
at a loss.
[ Posted Wed, 02 Mar 2011 18:23:00 ]
i keep wanting to type, i keep wanting to tell you more. but i cant even think of anything else to tell you, because im so happy, its taken over my mind. its like a drug. im just feeling bliss, without any real regard to anything else thats happening. my mind.. it doesnt know this feeling, it isnt used to it. i feel so sappy, so mushy, so clingy, so annoying, so girlish by sharing this with you. but i dont care… im going to be honest. even if it makes me an obnoxious teenage girl.
i dont know if this will continue the entire time, but i have a feeling it will. its very difficult for me to accept all this, but ive been pushing those thoughts to the back of my mind… even if i dont understand it, even if i dont understand why someone would feel this way about me, and treat me like this, i shall just accept it. even if i dont think there can be too much good, too much happy, without bad, depressing things happening. im trying to ignore my negative thoughts and feelings, and so far its working.
idk what to tell you man. i honestly hope im not digging my own hole, by sharing these feelings, because ive done that before. but i swear this is different, i swear this wont be the same as anything else thats happened before, anything else ive felt. bleh! i dont know what to say!
you make me speechless ;D
Tagged with: (:
thespaceindian:
squigggle:
nelsoncuntz:
i think everyone is a bit bisexual
especially girls
how can you not appreciate boobs HOW
LULWAT
your boobies are pretty awesome ;) just sayin'.
HELL YEAH THEY ARE
Tagged with: (:
nelsoncuntz:
i think everyone is a bit bisexual
especially girls
how can you not appreciate boobs HOW
LULWAT
for lulz
[ Posted Tue, 01 Mar 2011 18:22:00 ]
im in such a silly tumblr mood. XD i keep finding silly things. ! and our text spamming has put me in a better mood ? and i just want to be silly, but im so sickly and tired, i also want to lay down. but i know if i lay down, ill get bored. even though some days i lay in bed and im not bored.. today i would be. the day that im sick of course!
mmm! i want to write, i want to type but i cant even think of anything! i just want you next to me, i want you on top of me. if you were here, id lay in my bed with you, as simple as that. i dont understand why something like that could ever be wrong. but im pretty sure ive gained most of my mothers trust back (ive lost it, over the years…) so i think shell let me do pretty much anything. especially cause im 18 now. i wish i could explain to them how you make me feel! but i wouldnt be able to, and i feel like they wouldnt understand anyways. of course, im too young! of course, i dont know how life works yet! ive heard it all.
my mommy is such a good mommy! she made me soup, and she just gave me some delicious pear! yay mommy!
they really should appreciate how you make me feel! im much nicer to them because im constantly in a better mood. xD ive probably been watching more movies with them too (although theres only so many im willing to watch, as im not a movie person.. but i really like animated ones, i always watch if its animated ahaa) and they really enjoy that. i dont really understand, but maybe when im a parent ill constantly want to watch movies with my kids too. xD haaa.
you know, my sister and i, we used to fight all the fucking time. i could not stand her, i really couldnt. and now, only recently, have we really acted like good sisters. we rarely get mad at each other; i fucking love ena! shes so funny! XD its sad, because as soon as i actually start enjoying having her as my sister, im going to leave for college. xD im pretty sure i will live on campus, nearly solely because i do not want to drive. i want to stay home because im a spoiled, lazy ass and my mother does everything for me, and home is comfortable, and my room is big. but i REALLY dont want to drive. idk, i still havent decided yet. BLEH ITS SO DIFFICULT.
i hate making decisions! mehhh
ah. wunt. yew. mmmmmmmm. i want to talk to your face. i dont want to text you. i want you to be with me. i want to touch you, anywhere. i want to hold you. i want to kiss you, but thats not as important. i want to lay with you. i want to do anything with you, i dont care, as long as im with you.
WHY AM I BEING SO CLINGYYYYYYY. DO NOT UNDERSTAND./
Tagged with: (:
I'm all yours, If you're all mine
[ Posted Tue, 01 Mar 2011 18:08:00 ]
Tagged with: (:
thespaceindian:
No, you! ^~^
NO YOU
TODAY. GOOD DAY.
[ Posted Mon, 28 Feb 2011 21:14:00 ]
today has just been a great day!
well i was in an insanely good mood earlier but now im just sorta tired and full and i hate being full. xD but still, im happier than usual.
ecology wasnt bad. we did a stupid worksheet. kyle was making fun of kenny, and kenny got mad and i kept saying ‘U MAD’ and ‘KENNY MAD’ and kyle thought that was funny, and so did mr davis. XD neither kenny or dorian were being annoying to me, and kyle was being really nice, it was like we were a TEAM today! like during the quiz. team effort, there. XD but i think its funny. who cares about cheating in ecology? during the computer lab, i sat next to him, and we decided to do the project together, or at least, pick the same place for a project, so we could get all the same information and such. its nice having someone to talk to in stupid ecology. maybe because last class i talked to him about drugs the whole time, so now he thinks im cool. :P whatever, i dgaf.
chorus was legit, i didnt like the first song we did, especially because its only for people going to new york but we all have to learn it? which i think its annoying, but i keep telling myself it will help better my voice. but then we did this other song, that like everyone else knows cause they sang it last year, and i felt left out but i still really liked the song so i think i did fine.. and then cloudburst! OH GOD CLOUDBURST! its beautiful. i love learning it. im fucking ecstatic to sing it. it. will. be. amazing. you have to come see it zac. mmmmm! so pretty.
theatre was awesome too, because jessica and i performed and basically everything facemire said was good! im excited, its a bit difficult for me to play a ‘sexy’ character, because im so fucking NOT confident. but its fun being evil, its fun laughing in the face of someone else’s torture. i went with instinct on a few lines, and she said one of them was a really powerful choice, as well as me enjoying jessica being tortured. im excited to work on this more, especially since i was off book today! i surprised myself, that was fun. i need to take off my glasses though. and wear high heels, those make me feel a bit SEXIER ha. but im so happy when i get good notes! that also means shes not insanely upset with me for not going, although even if she was i wouldnt give a fuck. its just easier this way. xD and then i talked with lauren for 30 minutes about drugs. and drew. i wasnt annoyed with her at all, it was a nice conversation!
ART WAS THE BEST ITS EVER FUCKING BEEN IN MY WHOLE LIFE. the only two times i was annoyed was when casey hugged you and said she missed you (FUCK YOU I MISSED HIM WAY MORE SALAMANDER) and when valerie took my paintbrush (even though it was only for like a second. and then i just grabbed it back haa). i enjoyed being with you, i enjoyed touching you and being clingy (really im not usually a super clingy girlfriend, id get annoyed with myself) , i was so happy to be with you. i really must have missed you haaa. XD and painting with you! painting is actually something i can do! i feel so useful! XD it was nice. and when the power went out, and i got to just hug you, but the best part is when you hug me. when you touch me. mmm. when you kiss me! you were so cute today, idk why, you were just extra adorable! and i wanted to hold you all day long. im happy you found me before theatre, it made me very happy. :D
then we went to the tooth guy, and he was all like, that makes such a difference! im so glad you did this! thats such a natural white! and i was all happy. then we got delicious thai food and life was good. then i went swimming with mommy and we went in the sauna! AND THE SAUNA IS FOR GOSSIP. my mom and i, we talked about blow jobs! ahahaa. it was the funniest fucking conversation ever, i was laughing the whole time. dont worry, i didnt tell her about YOU. there were no details at all. it was her assuming, and me not denying, and her being grossed out. she told me she hopes i put it on towels and didnt swallow it! i was like.. why? XD she was like NO WONDER YOURE SICK ALL THE TIME (i thought i researched it and it was healthy? well depending on the person, maybe… but youre healthy! ha). anyways. then we were talkin about DOIN IT. and i was like. what would happen if i DO zac?! do you wanna know? and she yelled NO! NO I DONT! XD if i want to know, ill ask you…. why, have you done him!? MOMMMM. NOOO. ITS ONLY BEEN A MONTH, WHAT KIND OF A GIRL DO YOU THINK I AM?!! THATS CRAZY. just wondering, i didnt actually think you did! ….so anyways.. XD i think if we do it, she wont really mind. cause im 18. im allowed. XD i mean, she wasnt mad when i told her about omar ? like. we both know it was dumb. xD but im just saying. i dont think shed mind if we did it. she just doesnt wanna know about it. but she will know, like. i just know shell know. ahahaa.
THEN WE GOT ICECREAM! XD ahaha. and i think im going to watch tangled again tonight. XD i have no idea why, i just feel like watching it. which is really weird for me. i hate watching movies i just watched. FLAVOR BLASTED GOLDFISH. LIFE IS GOOD.
oh yeah!!! ahahahahaa. omg, after i left you in the parking lot, it was so funny! i saw little lauren running, she didnt have a jacket! and i hugged her but then i started running towards the school and she was going to her car. but she yelled at me and she was like DREW SAID HES GOT STUFF. and i was like OKAY HOW MUCH. TWENTY FIVE. DAMMIT. HE SAID ITS REALLY GOOD STUFF ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT. WHEN DOES HE WANT THE MONEY?! I DONT KNOW, ILL ASK HIM! OKAY BYE, THANK YOU! BYE! so funny! here we are, making like a drug deal, across the whole damn parking lot! we were so far away! ahahahahaha.
i. think. youre. the. best. (:
Tagged with: (:
Simon and Garfunkel = home boys
[ Posted Sun, 27 Feb 2011 22:37:00 ]
When you’re weary
Feeling small
When tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all
I’m on your side
When times get rough
And friends just can’t be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
When you’re down and out
When you’re on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
I’ll take your part
When darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Sail on Silver Girl,
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
If you need a friend
I’m sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Tagged with: (:
dreamles
[ Posted Sun, 27 Feb 2011 13:04:00 ]
i had like a million dreams last night, probably because i kept waking up and going back to sleep. i can only remember a few of them, but ill jot down whatever i remember.
michelle, tyler childress, thomas leinbach, and i were in my attic. and we were all like, we gotta smoke! and i dont know why we werent in the storage part of my attic, because that would be the most reasonable place to smoke. instead, we were in the xbox, finished side of the attic? and we kept checking to make sure ena wasnt coming. and i was all like, i dont know if i have enough weed for you tyler? because it takes a lot of weed to get him high, or at least it used to idk if it does now, cause his tolerance was so high. and he was all like naw ill be fine. but then shell and i got it out and he was all like, naw, you guys can just smoke. and we were like. D: really? cause wed feel bad? and he was like yeah, im good, its okay. so i started packing (because i always pack? XD) and the weed looked realllly weird and it was super crumbly. and before we smoked, my dream ended.
there was a talent show of some sort going on. but the group i was with (lee-davis?) were all in a room, that looked exactly like the guest bedroom in the basement. and everyone started writing on the walls, and i was flipping out because the room was mine. and my parents would be so mad! (but i dont think it really was my room. i just thought it was). and i wanted to write on the walls, but i didnt. i wanted to, i wanted to do it because everyone else was, but i couldnt, i didnt. it was wrong. and then later, through some transition, i was behind stage. and i was the only one behind stage, and i was wondering if i was supposed to be there? but i thought i remembered i was supposed to.. and there was this girl on stage playing tribal drums and chant-singing and it was really weird. and i was looking for any sign of anyone but there was no one. and i was supposed to go onstage at the end, from stage left, because thats where i come in for the invisible man. and the stage was at henrico, the same stage for one acts. and i saw my mello wall scroll behind the stage, and i was so confused, but i knew i must not step on it. and i finally got to the side i was supposed to be on, because i was on stage right originally. and then i saw everyone coming out from hidden stairs, ellen had this huge ass teddy bear and i was so fucking confused, and then that dream ended.
this was my favorite. besides the next one i remember.. xD but this is my favorite in terms of odd dreams. so, my mom worked at this restaurant. actually i think she was some higher up of it, i dont really know. but she was taking a bath, and she told me i had to take over tonight, and command the servants. and i could tell i didnt really want to, but i agreed. (its good to know that i wasnt seeing this dream from my own eyes, i was just seeing it. like looking down into someones life, you know..) and i distributed these buttons to everyone, and there were a lot of people there. single people, couples, and a big table of businessmen, i think most of them were asian. and the servants came out, and they were faceless.. they kind of looked like those wooden people things, that their pieces are connected and you can move them? i think you have one in your room, unless im imagining things… i know what im talking about, whatever. xD but they were all gray. but they all had like. colored scarves on? not like, long scarves, sorta like hipster scarves but not.. gah. i suck at explaining. and they werent super colorful, they were just one color each and they werent bright or anything.. and they were serving the people and such. and i went back to the kitchen or something, and a few of the servants went off somewhere, and my vision followed them. and there were these other servants that looked just like them, except they were not as clean cut? like, basically they looked like an earlier model (these things werent human, i hoped you got that), and they had no scarves. and these older servants were complaining about not having any work, while the newer ones were complaining that they didnt want to work. so the newer ones told the older ones that they could work tonight, because nobody would notice. and the older ones were all happy, and so they switched places with the newer ones. and for some reason, there was a lapse in time here or maybe i dont remember. but when i saw again, the older models were basically wreaking havoc, but because quiet about it. one was on top of a table with a woman half underneath him, and others were somehow forcing people to eat all of their food. i didnt see everything that was going on, but i knew it was bad. there was a rule, if i could take all the buttons away without any of the servants noticing, then they had to go back to wherever the servants are. but if anyone of them saw me, they could attack me. so i was on a mission to save these poor people from these bad servants. and i remember a few of the people even notices when the older servants came out, they wondered where their scarves were? and i wondered too. and then i understood, when i saw what they were doing. and so i took all the buttons, and when i got to the business man table, it was very difficult. i slid in the seats, and scooped up each of them, and for some reason none of them had to get up? until i got to one near the end, a particularly asian-looking one, who couldnt just move aside, and had to get out of the booth-thing. i saw that he had no legs, they were a mess of metal, and he didnt even have pants or anything on, but its not like there was any skin showing. his upper half looked completely fine, but i felt bad for this poor asian man. he smiled at me, and gave me his button and after i collected everyones, i ran to the kitchen and i couldnt remember where the boxes of buttons went and i was flipping out. then i looked in my hand, and there was a mini wall scroll of full metal alchemist? and something else, but i cant remember at the moment. and i knew they were the asian’s i just knew it. so i ran back, and i tapped him on the shoulder, and offered them back. he shook his head no. he quietly said, ‘we made a deal’. and i understood. he meant that because i saved them all from the servants, he gave me these gifts. i accepted them, smiled at him, and gave him a hug. i knew he was a good person. and thats all i remember from that dream.
(please take into account that anything i say in my dream doesnt mean i think it in real life. i assume you know this, but still. i just wanted to let to know. and i really hope this doesnt make you upset. it doesnt make me upset, it was just a dream.) we were in my room. there must have not been anyone home, because we were YELLING at each other. very, very loudly. you had cheated on me with libbie. i was upset. it wasnt fair. i screamed at you, and told you that wasnt fair, how come you got to cheat on me with someone but i didnt get to cheat on you. i had so many opportunities, but i didnt take them, and now i wish i hadve. sorry im not like cool libbie, sorry im not artistic, sorry im not hilarious and have huge eyes and huge teeth, sorry im just not the same. and i cant remember what you yelled back, but you were really angry. i think it was something about how its simpler with her, because its not physical at all (redundant, since you totally kissed her) and i said i dont deserve this, i shouldnt be the one thats cheated on, you should be, and you were all like SORRY IM NOT OBSESSED WITH YOU LIKE YOU THINK EVERYONE ELSE IS and i was all like fuck you! and you were all mad, and i was all mad, and then it was like you assumed i didnt want to be with you anymore? and i was all like no no! im just mad, but i still wanna be with you. then i was like. hey. do you wanna have make up sex? and you said yes. and it was angry, crazy, aggressive, and insanely hot. so it was all good in the end. xD im not going to put any details but i mean. goddamn. that was good. hahaaaa.
Tagged with: (:
thespaceindian:
squigggle:
we need matching shirts. just to be cheesy and silly. xD just saying.
You sew the shirts, I'll silk screen them :D
give me one of your shirts, and ill take a slightly oversized shirt of mine, and cut them up and sew them together. xD hahahaa that would look so retarded.
hahaha
[ Posted Sat, 26 Feb 2011 13:30:00 ]
i often forget that other people follow this. OH WELL! im almost positive no one else reads it. if patrick does, thats really awkward. if michelle does, i wouldnt mind at all, because id probably tell her most of it anyways. XD i hope you dont mind, zac. but im pretty sure you are the only one who reads anything. i just wanted to put that out there. XD
"rusty".
[ Posted Sat, 26 Feb 2011 11:51:00 ]
you have no idea how much of an enormous relief reading that post was. like. i cant even.. im so fucking happy. xD i.. okay. response, play by play.
ive never met anyone who shook like that. not even a little bit. i wish it hadnt frustrated you, because it was not a bad thing. it was like intense, it was making me so fucking excited i cant even.. how is any of this described in words? its difficult, thats one of the whole points of doing physical things, i think. its because you cant just say these types of things, idk. i cant even explain this, goddammit. xD still, still. i really did think it was cute, because it was only something that you alone have done. and damn, was i excited because of it. i mean, i was already excited, and even slightly nervous, because i was afraid. before i was with you, i was completely confident, i thought i knew how it would all go, i was excited to show you how good you could feel. and then i was with you and i was like WHAT THE HELL HOW DO I DO THIS I AM NOT A PRO (but i am). xP haaha. i even started shaking a little, you know… and i knew you werent going to tell me anything! i just had this feeling, that you would feel too shy and awkward to say anything, but damn did i want you to. the entire time i was terrified i was doing something wrong, but i could never be sure because you said nothing. nothing! and i was flipping the fuck out. i was so worried! but i am observant when it comes to these things, and i thought i might have found something you liked (because it would get extra-hard! how wonderful!), so i did that more, and sure enough, you must have liked it, because then you went POW! and either i was imagining things, or i already had too much spit in my mouth, but i was like JEEZ WHY IS THERE SO MUCH. XD and it did not taste bad at all. ^-^ i was happy. some peoples really does taste bad, but i deal with it anyways. xD but yours is pretty decent.. just so thick and so much! my goodness boy! har har har.
im very happy you said thank you. :D it was very nice! only you, only you.. so adorable.. and thats what i was saying man. :P you dont need to masturbate when you have me! ahaha. but seriously, im better. ahaha! also, i never think thats lame, if someone POWS too early. it means im doing my job AWESOMELY! well not necessarily, but thats what i pretend anyways… ehee. anyways! if you want to last longer, i can do that you know. i can make it last a pretty long time. but some people like that, and some dont. so i wasnt going to do that for the first time… but like i said man. tell me what to do. i want to know for a reason. xD its all for you, its all so you can feel spectacular… and when i say rusty its really like. well, i felt like it was rather sloppy. i dont exactly remember how ive been with other people, but that doesnt really matter. because it felt too sloppy, for you. theres only so much precision that can be applied to this.. art. xD but still, but still. to me, sloppy means youre a ho who just gives away free bjs. sloppy means you dont really care. sloppy means you dont know what youre doing. and none of those things apply to when i do this for you. and although its rather difficult to be precise at all (it is a messy business after all), i still think some degree of precision can be accomplished. yet! i am extremely happy that you did not feel this way. perhaps i am too hard on myself… although thats a good thing for you. ;D that means better times shall come.. i just need some more practice. (;
and you know, thats tiring stuff there, maybe thats why you were tired too. xD haa . but i greatly enjoyed laying on my bed with you, i really wish that could happen more often. it feels wonderful, just being there with you.. and you being so tired! oh, i just wanted to snuggle you the whole night. and somehow, i became so tired, as soon as you left i went straight back to bed. all i could think about was how terrible i was, and then the time when we will actually be able to sleep next to one another. mmmm. at least i know this time, our wish will come true.
Tagged with: (:
another collection of words. about you. from tumblr.
[ Posted Thu, 24 Feb 2011 21:39:02 ]
im not looking at every post, but i felt like procrastinating, so here are a few i am sure are directed towards you.
no one is really completely kind. its sad, but i think its true. people are mean on accident, in some cases. like you. you're a really good person, so im positive you dont mean to be so irritating, infuriating, and confusing. but you are. so i wanna punch you. but not really. id never want to hurt you. dammit.
i could probably type for hours, go in circles and talk about nothing. but i have to get dressed and shit. i dont want to do this, my day has been so bleh. my stomach hurt so badly 3rd block; it ALWAYS hurts badly 3rd block. especially near the end. im so lame, so lame. i dont even know what im trying to accomplish. i dont even know really, why im typing this. i dont know what to say anymore.
3 MONTHS AGO ON NOVEMBER 22, 2010 AT 04:47PM
in case you didnt get it, my stomach hurt because 4th block is after 3rd block.. and thats when i see you. duh. and my stomach always went everywhere before seeing you. i dont know why… -.-
ALL
I WILL EVER BE IS FREAKING CONFUSED. NOTHING MAKES SENSE, I DONT MAKE SENSE, NO ONE ELSE MAKES SENSE. GODDAMMIT. i always want to know, i always want to understand. and it just. doesnt happen! i just never know! so ill just STAY FREAKING CONFUSED. FOREVER. BLEHHH. IAMSERIOUSLYNOTUNDERSTANDING.
lololololololololololololololol high school is so funny! XD i laugh at my own ridiculousness, because ! IM SUCH A GIRL AHAHAHAHAHAAA. wow. i was tired before, but my random surge of energy is just. REALLY DUMB. and now ill never go to sleep. at least ill get to do my math homework! AT LEAST MATH MAKES FUCKING SENSE!! THATS WHY I LOVE IT SO MUCH! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 i heart you math. you never let me down or confuse me! well i mean, sometimes i do get frustrated, but thats only MY fault, not yours! <3 <3 <3 HAAAAA IM INSANEEE I TELL YEEEE. i want to run around my house screaming how much i like math and how much NOTHING ELSE makes sense, but my mom just told me to go to bed. DARNNIT. WHAT AM I TO DO. WHAT. AM I. TO DO.
LOLOLOLOLOLOL LIFEEEEEEEE
#IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE #frustration #lol #I CANT STOP LOOKING AT IT #FUCKKKKKK 3 MONTHS AGO ON NOVEMBER 21, 2010 AT 10:53PM
almost positive thats about you?
look, now i gaf again. WUT. jk. not about the other stuff. that stuff, is not bothering me at the moment. i just keep telling myself how dumb i am, and then its like oh, that makes sense, no wonder i was thinking that. i should stop being dumb, and stop thinking like this. good, good vittoria.
ha. haaaaaaaaa. i dont know what to believe anymore. seriously, nothing makes sense, STILL, and i STILL understand nothing. woop wooop.
3 MONTHS AGO ON NOVEMBER 22, 2010 AT 11:06PM
YOU'RE INFURIATING.
YES, YOU. YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. D<
goddammit.
4 MONTHS AGO ON OCTOBER 27, 2010 AT 07:44PM
my personal favorite.
COINCIDENCE
i stopped posting my explosions of words. i guess its because i just didnt feel like it. but now i feel like it again. boy, do my feet smell terrible.
4 MONTHS AGO ON OCTOBER 20, 2010 AT 05:23PM
it wasnt a coincidence.
FLIPPYS.
my stomach has been doing flippys everywhere. am i really this excited? or could it be nerves? no, i am never nervous, for i believe its ridiculous to be nervous about most things, especially something as this. and im certainly not scared, oh no. im alright with rejection. i think i must get a kick out of awkward atmospheres though, cause im just weird like that. they are especially amusing to me, is it really that fun to feel uncomfortable? what an odd child i am… it really is exciting, it has to be, because whenever i think about doing it my stomach flips a million times. ive been thinking about it too long, that must be the reason for my raised excitement. i really am an impatient child. i will have to endure these stomach flippys all of tomorrow, oh my. and depending on the outcome, i may have the flippys for many weeks to come. but im not expecting that, oh no. oh no no no. that would be quite nice, but no, i never think that way. id rather not be disappointed. although its rather hard not to think that way, as my mind gets especially excited about these types of things. how shall i sleep! my oh my child, calm down. x)
4 MONTHS AGO ON SEPTEMBER 30, 2010 AT 08:46
why the hell do i keep liking stupid boys, why. why. because all the smart ones, think im fucking weird. MAYBE I AM. and then i find a boy who is smart, and well he probably thinks im weird too. but i dont care. because hes also weird! XD and i know, one day in the future, i will confess. but not yet, not anytime soon. im going to give it time, im going to be patient because im content. and i want to do it in person, ive never really done such a thing before. and im not going to be expecting anything. even though i keep liking him more and more, when i know i shouldnt. but i have to keep telling myself, how no one will like me, or end up liking me for too long. because i really do hate being disappointed. i get over things rather easy, but its even easier to get over rejection before it even happens. so ill just expect the worst, and see what happens. and if nothing happens, im okay with that. im always k. cause its just high school. :P
k, im obnoxious. and i hope no one ever reads that! XD i just wanted to get it out. so. dont read this shit, brah. XD
5 MONTHS AGO ON SEPTEMBER 23, 2010 AT 11:06PM
i would love to fly away, fly away with a beanstalk.5 MONTHS AGO ON SEPTEMBER 26, 2010 AT 05:09PM
my other favorite (:
in the morning
[ Posted Thu, 24 Feb 2011 18:49:00 ]
im always annoyed when patrick, or matt, or sam comes. because i love just talking to hunter. its like, idk. we just have good conversation. and then someone else comes, and then im just annoyed at everyone, even hunter. because he turns obnoxious, even though he claims to hate when patrick does the same things that he does. but whatever, i love hunter, and patrick. and matt, and sam. just not when they are all together. and when they come, i leave and say im going to get my man. but in reality i dont see my man for like five minutes after i get down to the cafeteria. but its okay. i still see him. (:
man, i dont even know whats going on. sometimes i start out having happy thoughts, and then somehow they turn out to be sad thoughts, even though the thoughts are the same, the pictures are the same, i just changed my mind about how i feel towards them. how can someone do that? why do i do that. i never know what i want. i never know what will make me happy. WHATEVER.
and you know what. it bothers me that i dont believe in god. because i know you want me to. and i cant. i cant. i have tried, so often. i cant even comprehend how so many people do, i dont get it. why is everyone expected to have faith in something they cant be sure is there? okay, some people are sure its there, or whatever. i dont really know, i dont understand anything. but i cant do it, and i feel so bad. i know you dont want me to feel bad. and its not your fault i feel bad. i cant help it. because this is something i cant change, even when i want to. or perhaps i dont really want to, but ive always felt like i wanted to. well not at first. but as i continually got depressed it was something i tried to believe in over and over again. i cant force myself to think a certain way, and i know you dont want me to do that anyways. but still. im sorry. i dont care if i should or shouldnt be. but i am. im sorry. but its all good, because we arent going to get married. haaa. thats when it might matter a little more, i expect… not to me of course. xD ill have to find a fellow dgaf-er to marry. harharhar.
yeah i dont even like art class. i think i might even prefer english, but im not sure because i dont get to touch you as much in there. and i really enjoy touching you. and you touching me, ooooh thats really nice. everyone in there bothers me so much. well not everyone. well. everyone does eventually, except for you. and i hate when your frustrated, i feel so retarded and unhelpful. but i enjoyed painting ^-^ ill paint the whole thing for you, if you wish! if that will make you happy, and not frustrated! :D because then i got to be zac, and have a concentrated face, and be all artistic. and you got to be me, and touch my leg. :D ehehee.
DO. NOT. WANT. TO. WRITE. COMMENTARY./
SHOOT ACROSS THE SKY
[ Posted Wed, 23 Feb 2011 21:12:00 ]
IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BE DONE. BE DONE WITH SOMETHING MY FATHER KEPT BUGGING ME ABOUT WHEN I KNEW ID GET IT DONE. BUT STILL. IT WAS IRRITATING. WOOOOOOOOO. AND HE SAID IT WASNT CRAP. SOMEONES PROUD OF ME. WOOOOOOOO. AND FRIDAY ITS GO TIME! HARHARHARHAR. AND BECCAS A B CUP NOW IM SO PROUD OF HER! SEE THIS IS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT MY FUCKING MOODS BUT THIS IS OKAY BECAUSE I FEEL GREAT.
In my four years of college, I plan to challenge and better myself intellectually by expanding my knowledge and growing creatively. I will mainly focus on four curriculum: Mathematics, French, Theatre, and Music. The first two are more academically centered, whereas the latter are primarily artistic in nature. This creates an excellent balance of ability and intellect. Mathematics has always been a subject I have consistently enjoyed to learn about and apply myself to, and I am excited to become even more skilled at it. I have been exploring French culture and improving myself at the language for six years, and I would love to continue to discover more, hopefully by studying abroad in France. Only recently have I associated myself with Theatre Arts and Music, but I have rapidly become involved in many productions and choral concerts, and I plan to persevere with the arts and strive to extend my talents and creativity as an actor and a singer. In the future, I would like to share my accumulated knowledge with younger people. I particularly envision myself teaching my favorite subject, Mathematics.
AHM SOO GUD. no, i still think its CRAP. but my dad doesnt, and thats all that matters anyways. HA. LOL PEACOCK. katy perry is making me lol. COCK
stronger.
[ Posted Wed, 23 Feb 2011 18:18:45 ]
shelby told me yesterday that i am stronger than her.
since when did not caring make someone stronger ? how could this be. how would that be fair? i dont have to deal with anything because i dont care. if i dealt with things, and such, in a good way, if i OVERCAME obstacles, perhaps then i could be considered strong. but being strong because i dont give a fuck? i dont think so.
i ate too much, but all i had was potatoes. what the fuck? i despise being full. it is one of the worst feelings in the whole fucking world, i cant stand it. and the worst part is, i bring it upon myself. but i do so without realizing it, UNTIL ITS TOO LATE.
my moods are really fucked up. i cant stand it. why am i a fucking girl? how frustrating this is! why cant i stick with one emotion, and it be a good one?
im tired. today in french i almost fell asleep reading vol de nuit. which fucking sucks, by the way. i feel way worse at french than i ever have by reading this book. i hate not being intelligent enough.
i am so bothered. the fact that i cannot do this is something i cannot dgaf about. its bothering me, and i admit it. i cant even bullshit twofuckinghundred words. about my goals. my dad even said i can lie. this shouldnt be so damn difficult, but it is. and thats why its fucking tearing me apart. i. am. ridiculous.
float on
[ Posted Wed, 23 Feb 2011 17:14:47 ]
its alright. im alright. there are just periods of time in which i cannot feel anything close to happiness; these periods can last for minutes, hours, days… but its okay. sometimes i consider that my usual way of thinking, but im not sure if it is or not. i surely cant feel that way all the time? although the fact that im not sure is somewhat unsettling.
when i wear these trays in my mouth with bleach in them, they are bothersome. not because my gums get irritated, because i can live with that. but for some reason, when i bite down, one specific tooth on the bottom left side hurts. sometimes i find myself continually biting down on it, as if i want to cause my own discomfort. i do things like that often. for example, if my gum hurts or if there is a blister or a cold sore on my gum, i pull at it all the time. i take my bottom lip and i pull it as far forward as it will go, and it hurts but also causes some sort of relief; perhaps because i am causing my own pain, and it is not caused by anything else? i wonder. i just thought of that reasoning, actually. hm. id love to know myself. my own thoughts, and why i have them. if only i knew!
writing about my goals is one of the hardest fucking things i could ever be asked to write about. i dont fucking have any goals. i do not know what i want to do. i want to go to college and learn stuff, and i know what i want to learn, i just dont know what i want to DO with all of the knowledge i will have attained. how the fuck am i supposed to know? what if i never know? im terrified of that, everyday. that my father will be spending so much money on my education, and yet… what if i end up nothing? what if i end up a failure? what if i still dont know? i am so terrified, because the possibility is so great. the odds are not in my favor. i am indecisive. i am lazy. how can i do this? goddammit.
i write too much when i am depressed. perhaps because that is the only thing i feel like doing. i wanted to write more; but i didnt want a special someone to come back and have 8 posts to read about how i dont want to exist and can never be happy..
FUCK THIS
[ Posted Tue, 22 Feb 2011 21:26:51 ]
I CAN NEVER BE HAPPY. SO WHY CANT I FUCKING ACCEPT THAT. I DGAF ABOUT EVERYFUCKINGTHING ELSE. WHY DO I WANT SO BADLY TO BE HAPPY. WHY DO I EVEN NEED TO BE. ITS NOT LIKE IT REALLY EVEN HAPPENS THAT OFTEN. SO WHAT THE FUCK AM I EXPECTING. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO GODDAMN DIFFICULT. IS IT REALLY THIS HARD FOR EVERYONE ELSE. HOW DO OTHER PEOPLE ACCOMPLISH BEING HAPPY. PLEASE SHARE WITH ME BECAUSE APPARENTLY I DONT FUCKING GET IT. GODDAMMIT I HATE FUCKING EVERYTHING. I DESERVE THIS.
no fix.
[ Posted Tue, 22 Feb 2011 21:19:29 ]
im going to assume you did not see the song i posted earlier, because it only has one play, and that was me. XD so uh. go look. dummy. xP
_____________
on another note. im screwed. by my own thoughts. they torture me. nothing positive is getting through to me, i am not feeling happy. i just cant do it. and i cannot even imagine why. i do not understand why i feel in such a way. nothing is wrong, so why am i still falling? i thought i was getting up, but i must have slipped and now i am back, deep in the hole. nothing is helping me. this is one of those times when i just feel like not existing. everything would be better if i didnt exist. i dont feel like doing anything, nothing is good, i cant even lay there and sob because i dont even feel like doing that. i want to just not fucking exist goddammit. why do i have to be here? i dont want to be. im so tired of this. im so done.
its good that i have somewhere else to type this, because michelle would just get annoyed when i used to write things like this. and i cant blame her. who the fuck would want to listen to me? im fucking retarded. but i dont fucking care. i dont want to be here. i dont want to do anything. goddammit.
goddammit.
[ Posted Tue, 22 Feb 2011 19:26:59 ]
there is something so enormously wrong with me.
instead of studying for math, im going to go upstairs and be a fucking mopey ass.
oh, i have fallen,
[ Posted Tue, 22 Feb 2011 18:54:00 ]
and i thought i couldnt get up. but i can. ive already started.
the thing about it is, i am so fucking unsure. i wish i could take all of my goddamn negative thoughts and throw them off the eiffel tower. i hate them. they do not allow me to be happy for long periods of time. because im fucking paranoid. about myself. i constantly believe im doing something wrong. constantly. i mean, towards another person. i mean, i dont want to be a bother to certain people. i dont give a fuck about most people, but there are certain people that i do not want to tick off. i cant deal with certain people being mad at me. i dont understand why. its something that makes me extremely upset, its something that proves im always doing something wrong, something bothersome. even if a person is slightly angry or upset with me, i cant do it. i fucking bawl my eyes out. and im so torn, because i never want to not be myself . i never want to give up my own personality to please someone. i cant, its against what i think everyone should do. but it causes this bizarre paranoia. its always okay for periods of time, it wont pop up for awhile. but even something unnoticeable to anyone around me, i notice (even things that dont really exist, yet they do in my mind). and i fall. i fall, and i dont stop falling. even when its all better, i still have trouble climbing out of the hole i dug myself.
why do i not care about important things, but small, stupid things bother me so? upset me so? why do these things set me off? and its always about myself, myself not being good enough, or its always about my effect on someone else. instead of bettering myself, i choose to mope.
people dont understand one another. and thats my problem. i need to know. i need to know things. and i CANT. i cannot know them. because i cannot know everything. i cannot understand, i will never understand another human being. and another human being will never understand me because i dont even fucking understand me, and im not some simpleton someone can just put their finger on and say ‘oh, this is how she is!’. i dont make fucking sense. its so bothersome! im constantly changing my mind. fuck.
i dont want to be like this. i enjoy being happy! why is it so difficult for me? why can i not accomplish happiness? are simple people able to be happier than i? is ignorance bliss? how is that fair. i am more intelligent, therefore i get punished by never being able to be happy because i think too much. LIFE MAKES SO MUCH SENSE.
what the hell? i cant even sit there and day dream and think about wonderful things right now because my mind is retarded, and turns it all bad. when i am in a mood like this, nothing can go right. nothing can be happy, and my mind makes sure of it. am i punishing myself? perhaps that is what it is. perhaps, because i am so paranoid. therefore, this is me warning myself to stop. to stop . stop being a bother. no one is even upset with me, but i still feel like they could be, and so i list all the reasons, even if they are from long ago. i tell myself why i am such an idiot, and all of the extremely dumb things i do, no wonder people get upset with me. i beat myself up because i make up things i do that are wrong. when ive really done nothing at all, and its all in my head.
i cannot stand myself.
YOU KNOW.
[ Posted Mon, 21 Feb 2011 23:09:16 ]
what makes me upset is that i forgot! i forgot you can only upload one music file a day! and i made you something that is actually legitimate. D: and i wanted to make you feel better. AND NOW I SUCK. even if my silly one made you smile. I WANTED TO GIVE YOU THIS OTHER ONE. GODFUCKINGDAMMIT. Y I SO RETARDED?!
Can I just
[ Posted Mon, 21 Feb 2011 21:07:00 ]
gamisou:
Hold you
Kiss you
Fall asleep to the sound of your heartbeat
Tagged with: (:
la vie.
[ Posted Mon, 21 Feb 2011 20:30:00 ]
okay, ill start out with positive things that are on my mind.
my hair looked GREAT yesterday, at least in my opinion.
today in the hallway, i was walking to government and chris best(sp?) walked up next to me (hes also in my gov class). he started talking to me, and immediately he told me that he had enormous respect for me for not shaving my legs. i was so caught off guard, all i said was.. how did you know i dont?! and he just pointed and said well, its kind of obvious! but im pretty sure jayson must have told him, because shelby hangs out with chris and jayson is always with shelby (theres pictures of all of them on facebook). but then he said that it was really cool that i did that, and he asked me why exactly i did. and i told him, and he just said that that was awesome, and he said to keep doing it because im completely right. how kind! ive never had someone complimenting me so sincerely about it. the girls in chorus said that they thought i was awesome for not shaving once, but i dont believe them. xD so it was very nice, and it made me happy. i didnt mention that i would end up shaving for zac though. XD i know he doesnt care if i do or not, but its a nice gesture, i think. and this way, hell know its only for him, and not anyone else, because i dont care about anyone else.
______________________________
you are so adorable, please stop. i continue to want you more and more, i continue to like you more and more and i wonder if it will ever stop. it definitely wont anytime soon but just. this is unbelievable. but honestly, i wish i could help you about the sleep thing. everytime you are tired, i wish i really did have magical booby powers. i wish i could do something, anything to help. it makes me sad, because i know you dont want to be tired. and i am unhelpful. and like i really care about making out.. it was so amusing to me, the fact that you were trying but you were so tired. XD it was cute. and even if youve done better, it still made me want to get on top of you, because thats just how i am. xD dont feel bad about that, who gives a fuck?! laying with you in your car while other people must have thought we looked retarded was one of the best feelings ive had so far with you. it was so simple, this showing of affection, this peacefulness. i could have slept there, with my neck bent awkwardly on your neck, with your head on my soft chest. it was so warm, our feelings were so pure, i couldnt understand why anyone in the world wouldnt let us sleep in the same bed together. i did not want to go to the black box and have to deal with shit. life is so simple with you, its so good. the energy is so pure and tranquil. where else could i get this feeling? only with you, my dear.
and you know what. i completely agree with you. you are so right; shelby and i do not deserve this. we have been fucked over since the beginning of the year. i couldnt participate in greater tuna. shelby has gotten small roles in three plays this year, and she is the best actor at lee-davis, with michael closely behind. i have only ever been confident in two roles my entire life. i have only ever thought i was ACTUALLY good in two roles, thats it. i worked so hard on both of these roles; i felt extremely connected to both and when i was on stage i was not myself at all. i was not acting as these characters, i was these characters. and in both roles i have gotten screwed over. in the good doctor, donald stole it. and now, someone else stole my role. someone who isnt as talented, someone who doesnt deserve it, someone who didnt live in that moment on stage. i honestly felt like i was in danger when hunter and darius were attempting to rape me, the terror i have felt long ago came back. i honestly felt like someone i wanted to marry broke up with me, although ive never really cared about a break up in real life before. they wont be as good without shelby and i. i am not being conceited; i rarely put myself up there, on a pedestal. i am telling it how it fucking is. with the good doctor and invisible man, i have grown as an actor. how is this fair at all? shelby and i worked for months. they worked for two weeks. we were placed in our roles for a reason. they were swings for a reason. it is an insult to ask us to step down from our proper place and become swings. but you know what i say? fuck this shit. i dont like anyone in that fucking cast, except for shelby and jessica (and becca). i hate everyone in theatre. i hate fucking mrs facemire. shes gross. how you could do something like that with a student is beyond me. but whatever, thats none of my business. frankly, it will make your show weaker without us. at districts all we got was positive feedback. at regionals there was much less positive feedback. hmmmm. anyways, if you want to continue with less than spectacular cast members, thats fine with me. shelby and i know we dont need you. you dont support us, especially not shelby, so why should we have to support you? i dont care if facemire acts like a bitch to me from now on. i really dont give a damn. im leaving this shit hole soon. i could care less what the theatre program will think of me from now on. i am leaving. it makes me sick. they make me sick. she makes me sick.
Tagged with: (:
FUCK YOU SONY SOUND FORGE
[ Posted Sun, 20 Feb 2011 21:43:55 ]
SORRY I LOST MY SERIAL NUMBER AND MY DAD HAD TO REBUILD MY COMPUTER. FUCK YOU. I DIDNT EVEN PIRATE THIS SHIT. ITS MINE. AND I CANT EVEN USE IT. FUCK YOU.
my father will fix you when hes awake. ♥ but it bothers me, because i wanted to do something NOW.
theft!
[ Posted Sun, 20 Feb 2011 19:54:17 ]
from michelles blog.
Day one: a photo of you.
Day two: a photo of yourself at least a year ago.
Day three: a photo that makes you happy.
Day four: a photo of a place you’d like to visit.
Day five: a photo that makes you laugh.
Day six: a photo of someone you love.
Day seven: a photo of someone you miss.
Day eight: a photo of your favorite band/musician.
Day nine: a photo of yourself when you were a baby/child.
Day ten: any photo you like for any reason.
Day eleven: a photo of a night you loved.
Day twelve: a photo of when you were happy.
Day thirteen: a photo of one of your favorite movies.
Day fourteen: a photo of your best friend (s).
Day fifteen: a photo of you and a family member.
Day sixteen: a photo from your childhood.
Day seventeen: a photo from a trip you’ll never forget.
Day eighteen: a photo of your town.
Day nineteen: a photo of last summer.
Day twenty: a photo of something you ate today.
Day twenty-one: a photo of somebody you find attractive.
Day twenty-two: a photo that you associate a good memory with.
Day twenty-three: a photo of something you want to do someday.
Day twenty-four: a photo of what you want to be when you grow up.
Day twenty-five: a photo that inspires you.
Day twenty-six: a photo of your favorite subject in school.
Day twenty-seven: a photo of something you are looking forward to.
Day twenty-eight: a photo of something/somebody that made your day.
Day twenty-nine: a photo of your favorite person from history.
Day thirty: a photo you find beautiful
i may not do this everyday, but it seems like fun to do over a span of time.
i have no secrets.
[ Posted Sun, 20 Feb 2011 19:36:00 ]
with anyone, really. that is to say, if someone wants me to keep their secret, i usually do. depending on who it is. but my secrets? they do not exist.
west virginia wasnt nearly as bad as i assumed it to be. see, thats the good thing about being so negative. when you are proven wrong, its awesome. when you are proven right, who gives a fuck? it was expected. anyways! the bus ride was fine because i had shelby. ryan only annoyed me from time to time… and when we were at the mall he didnt at all, because my mother was! but its okay, because we escaped like secret agents and got GOOD DEALS. :D WOOOOP. so that was exciting, and made my mood go up. i freakinggg love sales. ehehee. i am so totally my father’s daughter. back to the hotel, and i was alone in my room. it would have been much nicer if my beanstalk hadnt been eating! so instead i laid on the couch and listened to his songs, and wore his shirt and it was nice. then the girls came back and were all like WHY DIDNT YOU TELL US YOU WERE ALONE!? i was like.. i didnt mind? XD
thats the one thing that slightly bothered me about being in that room with those girls. it was like.. they invited me to be in their room because they pitied me. because i had no one else to room with. because my only two friends already had rooms since they have other friends. like i need their pity! like they think theyre better than me! it bothered me. like, i wonder if they were nice to me because they think im lame and need someone to talk to, or if it was because they actually like me as a person. either way, the night time was fun. well first i chilled with petry, and that was okay cause there were sophmores in our room that i didnt like so i wanted to escape! then i told zac to call me cause i just wanted to hear his voice! but then i didnt wanna be rude to petry.. and then i kept talking to him when i was in the room with the girls. xD i couldnt help it. it was so nice, just having him on the phone. no one understands, how i can be content with being on the phone with someone and not actually talking to them. its like.. the other person is there, with me. i mean, it would be way better to actually have them there, but still. if thats the closest thing i can have, im happy with that. it felt like he was with me, and that was nice.
but yes, we had super girl talk. sometimes i think its fun, even though i think differently about like. everything they talk about. xD its still silly, and fun. i prefer mine and michelles girl talk, but still. and we eventually got on the subject of how kendall has kissed a lot of boys, and i was like ME TOO! and we started counting. and i got 10, but i knew i had more than that. so we started making a list on paper so we wouldnt miss anyone. and i had 14! XD i dont think im missing anyone. then i counted the ones i dated, and its half and half! 7 ive dated, 7 i havent. and all the 7 that i havent dated came after jayson.. i never kissed anyone without dating them before him! haaa. i found it amusing. i had more than everyone. x) ehehee. im sure kendall would have more, but shes been dating the same person for like 2 years now? idk. but yeah. but then like alex was saying that shes not doing it until shes married. even though shes been dating cody for 3 years. and hes fine with it. and then kendall has done it, but shes waiting until marriage cause they know they are gonna get married? then emma didnt say anything cause im sure shes done multiple people, and i wish she hadve said stuff because i wouldnt have judged her. and i told them about omar because i dont care. xD haaa. and i was 15, come on. 15 year olds are fucking retarded, its not my fault. hahaa. but i really dont think i regret it.. because if i hadnt have done that, i bet i would have done at least 2 other people, maybe 3. and i havent felt the need. like. i mighta done shane or something, and that scares me. … but now, if i do it, i know ill have really good reasons. or at least, ill feel like ill have good reasons. xD and it will only be because i care about that person a whole fucking lot. and it. will be. fucking. mind blowing. just saying.
so yeah, then we slept, and the competition was like whatevers. we got second, but i dgaf. NH got first, but they were only against one other group who really sucked. i watched some other subpar show choir, and i was beginning to think it was all a joke until i saw the rank A show choirs. all three of them were FUCKING amazing. and the group who won, manchester.. oh my god. they were fucking.. spectacular. i hope i can see something again like that in my life. i cant believe all of these kids are in high school. its amazing, that they can do that. i was seriously fucking jealous. like. … wow. wow. and then a few people texted me and said we got to states for one acts! and i was superrr excited, especially when i found shelby because we freaked out together, and it was beautiful.
i just wanted to leave though. XD i missed zac haaa. the bus ride wasnt bad at first, because i had shelby. it was insanely interesting to talk to her about religion, i didnt know that her (lack of?) beliefs were so close to mine! she does good things because she doesnt want to do bad things. she isnt going to kill someone just because she doesnt believe in god. but she doesnt do good things just so she can go to heaven? she thinks thats dumb, that people do that. like they are only doing good so they can get to a good place when they die. and she also hates how so many people say they believe, but act like sluts and do all this shit, so how are they better than her? she doesnt know if a god exists, but it doesnt matter to her either way. it doesnt affect her. we dont believe that a god exists, but we are not denying anything. its very difficult for us to believe in such a thing… she also brought up the point that usually intelligent people do not believe in god. she said a lot of doctors dont. we also talked about how most people just believe in god because they are too stupid to think for themselves. most people believe, and so they just conform because they dont have their own opinions. i mean, there are many people who honestly believe and it is their own opinion. but i feel like most people are just conforming… also, she doesnt think anything happens when you die.
then she said theres a possibility ghosts exist, and shed like to be one and then went on to imitate herself as a ghost and all the things she would say to the people she was haunting. xD it was really funny. i dont know if she was serious about the ghosts though, ahaa. but yeah. it was a nice conversation. she was crazy on the ride home, because we were both insanely tired and couldnt sleep. so she was saying really weird things.. it was so funny! i love her. shes also frustrated because the guy shes been talking to is all super christian and all ‘im not doing that stuff’. and i was like HA! im lucky! ahahaa. because shelby and i.. well, what can i say, were a couple of horny people.
storytime.
[ Posted Sun, 20 Feb 2011 18:27:00 ]
it wasnt as bad as i thought. sunday school was like storytime. i found it interesting, but irksome. the whole thing about temptation… okay, well that was legit because it was someone elses wife, and you shouldnt help someone cheat on their spouse/bf/gf (OH WAIT. LOOK WHOS TALKING. okay, so im a hypocrite. at least i admit it…). but i still feel like people shouldnt limit themselves because of their beliefs. yes, they should do what they think is right, and not do what they think is wrong. but if someone honestly wants to do something, i dont think that should cause you to hold back. i honestly do not think that most of the things i do are wrong. yeah, they are wrong to other people, but not to me. i dont often do something that i believe is wrong…i do sometimes, but who doesnt? i say i do a lot of ‘bad’ things, because they are ‘bad’ to other people. but not me.
mmm, it was so fun to just stare at him nearly the whole time and let my mind explore the possibilities.. so many ‘dirty’ thoughts in church, oh how terrible i am! but oh, was it wonderful. it was like i was teasing myself. thinking of so much i could be doing, so much i will be doing, and yet not being able to do it, at least not for awhile… hehehee. i am bad. but i like it. it was probably the only thing that made me not annoyed and sarcastic. it was all so bearable, because all i had to do was glance over at him and imagine. mmmmmm. mmmm! it was even better when he held my hand.. just touching that small part of him made me want him so much more…but i am good at holding back. probably because i think its fun. its fun to tease, and be teased (well i imagine, since no one is good enough at it), so suspenseful and exciting! oh goodness! im a freak! (; i srsly cunt halp eet. im so attracted to him its crazy. i dont even remembering anything like this ever happening. i usually enjoy doing things that make people feel good but this is just. i cant even describe it. but its wonderful. im very happy. im such a boy! haaa.
Tagged with: (:
thank you. (:
Tagged with: (:
pourquoi en francais?
[ Posted Thu, 17 Feb 2011 21:47:05 ]
sometimes, i just dont feel like expressing things in english. even if i know more words. whatever. helps me be better at french anyways, constantly speaking or writing in it. ive written a few journal entries in french. its difficult though; i never know enough words about the things i want to talk about. ah, whats the point.
i really dont get a fuck about this math shit. i am so greatly frustrated by the fact that i can not create a recursive formula. i dont give a shit about my grade, its just the fact that i cannot better myself at math, i cannot DO this math, and it frustrates me so! grades dont measure intelligence, but if i really cannot figure something out, especially involving math, i get really upset. ill get over it as soon as i finish typing up this shit… but its just something that bugs me. i hate not being able to do something that i want to do. like fucking dance. i hate oliver rehearsal now. its all dancing. sorry bro, i fucking cant. but whatevs, whatevs. i dont want to slip into my ‘i cant do anything’ phase again. thats all that ever happened with jayson, and i have no idea why? hes like the dumbest, most untalented person i could have picked to be compared to. how did i feel like such shit with someone so shitty standing next to me? ill never know. but im better now. i have better now. and neither of us are shitty, at all. well maybe i am, but just a little.
ah, mon ami cher.
[ Posted Thu, 17 Feb 2011 21:27:44 ]
les problemes avec les affaires serieuse. parce que, je ne suis pas serieuse. donc, je ne comprende pas quand les autres personnes vont serieux. je pense que il y a parce que je suis parfaitement insouciant. ou… hm. parce que, je m’en moque. parce que, il n’y vont rien les sujets delicat a moi. mais, c’est pas un excuse pour moi . je devrait etre prevenant. mais, de temps en temps, je ne suis pas prevenant. je veux etre prevenant… mais j’oublie! j’oublie que les autres personnes ne vont pas moi. bleh, c’est un chose difficile pour explique…(en particulier en francais)!
bweh.
[ Posted Thu, 17 Feb 2011 20:46:00 ]
je fais les choses stupide. pourquoi? pourrrquoooiiii. ?! oh, je sais. parce que, je ne comprende pas les autres personnes. mais, cette excuse n’est pas bonne. il n’y a pas un raison legitime. … donc, je ne pense pas le meme . donc, je ne suis pas serieuse, et je ne pense rien que les choses vont serieux. DONC? mon avis n’est pas le SEUL avis! oh la la! je suis un probleme. j’ai les problemes. pourquoi? je suis tres stupide… oh, zut. >.<
SPECHUL
[ Posted Thu, 17 Feb 2011 00:18:00 ]
I JUST WANTED TO SAY. IVE NEVER BEEN IN A BOYFRIEND’S PROFILE PICTURE BEFORE. AND I FEEL REALLY SPECIAL. :3 BUT I DONT KNOW WHY. IM BEING SUCH A GIRL EHEHEHE.
on that note, id like to share something that bothers me. its not about you, its about me. well.. sorta.. anyways! everytime i go through your archive, and i get far enough back… if i read anything, i get pissed off. xD like. it doesnt even make sense. it could be something awesome that you said, but theres this feeling inside of me thats just like. D< its upset and frustrated and mad. and i dont know why? its really weird. and its really annoying! its like a different era. like, when you wrote things in that era its just like a ‘piss off vittoria’ era. i cant even explain this, im retarded. but ill just read something and be annoyed. and im like WTF. WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY. so.. i apologize? and i dont understand it. but its dumb. sorrreh.
i really like this tumblr. it makes me happy. (: i keep loving this layout, and then its just.. full of me. its mine. its not just pictures and songs i think look really awesome or sound really cool. its just mine. and the best part is that you see it all. i enjoy it. OH, THE SIMPLE THINGS! ♥
Its kind of crazy
[ Posted Wed, 16 Feb 2011 23:55:00 ]
how my emotions can change in so short of a time. its called being a teenager, i guess. but it scares me. it makes me unstable. im indecisive. im hypocritical. i dont know what im doing!
i can be so upset at myself over little things, and yet the next day, or the next month or whatever, i may not care at all anymore. or even the opposite. something i never cared about suddenly becomes slightly more important. so much change, what do i do? something that once made me sad makes me happy, something that i thought was fun now makes me annoyed. the same goes with people. i really did consider eryn my best friend once upon a time. sometimes its hard to believe, for me. but i know i used to think she was this awesome.. thing. i dont know how i thought that, but i did. and now, i want to punch her guts out. “am i lykkeee, a freeench maid?” what the fuck, really? at least it provided entertainment for shelby and i. really? a french maid? YOURE A MIDDLE AGED WOMAN . HA. i. want. to. shoot. myself. at oliver rehearsal. (yet sometimes, i have a very good time singing. SEE)
but really, i dont even know whats going on. i was so upset and frustrated like an hour ago. and here i am, happy as mess, still thinking of the ‘what ifs’ about math and letting the whole new world post sink in.
i wanted to be very cautious about those sort of things. i didnt know what you would be willing to do, but i did not want to push you towards anything. i was afraid i would accidentally pressure you? i wanted to be careful, but i wanted you to know how i felt about it all, and what im willing to do. i still feel as if i havent gotten my whole point across, but its something that is difficult to explain in words… especially because i feel differently than nearly everyone ive spoken to. and im not sure why i feel this way? but im happy! its understandable that you would have that uncomfortable mindset… i honestly thought you wouldnt agree so readily and quickly. i assumed it would take much longer, if ever, and i was okay with that. there is no rush, and if you wanted to wait for the uncomfortable-ness to get out, thatd be fine and dandy. i dont want to cause any regrets, you know.. smart choices. that made me giggle a little. (: of course, there will only be smart choices… IM AN ADULT. I KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THESE THINGS >D (sorry, sorry. im getting a little silly … ) im very happy though :D very very much so. very excited too. :D this is so exciting ! …..oh, i am such a boy! these thoughts will be recurring! ehehehe.
oh yes but, why are you sorry? what have you done that you are sorry for!? youre silly! (:
mmm, tomorrow will be so good! my teeth will be pretty! and ill be with my man! and thats all i need. oliver rehearsal wont be the best but. hopefully ill be back in the math mood when i get home, because i have a LOT to do! ill try to do the whole recursive formula thing (i figured it out) when i go upstairs, but im sort of tired.. perhaps i could do it in art? ill bring it. thats like the only thing i can do on FUCKING PAPER. but no, no. no getting upset. math = good. i need to figure out what a ‘discrete mathematical model’ is though.. but i think the recursive formulae part is the IMPORTANT part. then ill only have 5, 6, and 7, and that shouldnt be too bad? they dont look too hard.. yes, i think ill do the formulae in art so i wont distract zac and get irritated at all those fucking GIRLS (i dont mind britni like, at all. but everyone else.. i want to punch. but ryans cool, i hope he stays at our table). OKAY. AND I MIGHT START READING HAN SOLO BOOKLE TOMORROW. :D i just fear im going to get distracted by thoughts of you, because its fucking han solo. how can i NOT think of you. XD
thank you, for all of this wonderful music. im so excited for the rest! all ive been listening to is this. :D i like pretty much all of it, i cant think of any song where i was like WTF IS THIS. but im not picky sooo. :P STILL. I LIKE THIS. :D AND IT ALL MAKES ME THINK OF YOU. WHICH IS ALWAYS A GOOD THING.
oooohhhkayyy. i have a headache. time for no more computer. anyways. thank you. (: thank you thank you thank you. for everything you do! i can never show my appreciation enough!
i want to throw something
[ Posted Wed, 16 Feb 2011 22:33:44 ]
at myself.
because im shitty.
goddammit.
fuck.
fuck.
fuck.
i fuck shit up.
mmmm.
[ Posted Wed, 16 Feb 2011 19:16:00 ]
i wish i could get inside your head. because i almost still feel like i barely know you at all. but its all getting better, im learning much quicker now that you actually are open to me. i dont have to ask you obnoxious tumblr questions to get to know you more. (: that used to be the whole point, of course. of my insane amount of questions. you were always interesting to me.
self control, me? xD ha. only when i feel like using it. grasp of things? i dont think so. xP i feel like if that were true, i would stop feeling like i dont know anything. im always so frustrated because i DONT KNOW. like on my math test today. XD (i know that really has nothing to do with GRASP but still) i was like. WTF. WHY DO I NOT REMEMBER THIS. HOW CAN I NOT KNOW THIS. but thats a stupid example. ah, im not in a serious mood. xD okay, okay . ill stop trying to prove you wrong. i just cant take so many compliments, goddammit! BWAH
Tagged with: (:
what seems to be the problem?
[ Posted Wed, 16 Feb 2011 18:01:00 ]
last night.
last night i dont know what came over me. I listened to ‘Apple Blossom’ about a million times, and sobbed. i couldnt stop, i couldnt study for math. i fell asleep like that. hugging that pillow so tightly and trying to quiet my wails. all to the sound, the words of that song.
i think it was a good thing. im not sure yet. but i think that it was. it was eye-opening, in a way that i didnt want it to be. but it probably kicked some sense into my brain.
i cant even. i cant even talk about my feelings right now. its too. too much. thinking about how i felt last night, at least. i think ill be better from now on. i think ill be good, i think things may be different. today was more decent than i thought it could be. id say, im off to a very good start.
tomorrow will be very good, i think. i also have much more hope for the future… i think its going to be good. i think.. this is what i needed. i think, i wont take things for granted. i hope, ill stop assuming the worst. because, i need to stop being selfish. i want you to be happy, and thats most of what matters.
and its so early.. i cant wait. i cant wait to see what happens. im excited. its already exciting. and ill be better. because this is better. and different. and im happy. im not sad anymore.
Tagged with: (:
Peur.
[ Posted Tue, 15 Feb 2011 22:46:46 ]
i mean, im telling the truth in both places. i assume you know this, but still.
even if im not feeling good, even if im in a ‘bleh’ mood and im unhappy. it always, always no matter what makes me feel better to talk to you, to be with you. even if my mind can sometimes distract me when im with you, its not often. its still always better, with you. you really do make me happy. its just that sometimes, my mind forgets that feeling. or maybe it blocks it out. because im not so sure anymore. and im sorry, im sorry. thank you. i already appreciate you enormously. thank you, thank you. i dont understand you, but thank you. you do too much for me. thank you. im so sorry. ill be better thursday, i think so at least. ill try, ill try so much harder than i ever have. but theres only so much i can do about the way i feel. oh, je suis tres desole, mon cher. vraiment. gah, je ne sais pas. je ne sais jamais. pourquoi je parle en francais? ah, je ne sais non plus. desole, desole encore! bisou bisou! ♥
lulwat. cunt beh srs fur tew lung. but, seriously. no worries maaaan. peaceee. its k, its just high school. u no da drill. thank you thank you thank you. how could i be so lucky! oh, i could scream it to the sky. i cant wait to see you tomorrow. hopefully i will; ena said i could. ill follow her man. i miss you. sunday will be wonderful, even if i dont get to play with your hair nearly as much. (: thank you, my dearest. you help me.
I AM... VEETLES
[ Posted Tue, 15 Feb 2011 20:27:00 ]
Tagged with: (:
youre still in my phone as Beanstalk!
[ Posted Tue, 15 Feb 2011 19:15:00 ]
i like it that way.
i know you dont really like stretched ears. but i also know that you wouldnt like me to change something i wanted to do just for you. so ill continue stretching, but im not in any hurry. i dont want my ears to never go back. and im only going to a 0g, maybe a 2g idk yet. anyways, heres a conversion thing since you were wondering about sizes. :P
6g//4.1 mm//0.1046”
4g//5.2 mm//0.2363”
2g//6.5 mm//0.387”
0g//8.3 mm//0.4007”
i wish i wasnt such a depressing person. xD most of my thoughts arent happy, its hard to make them be. sometimes i dont feel like putting forth the effort required to be happy. and then its not exactly that im depressed.. im just not happy. im just in this kind of blehhh state where i dont know what to do. my thoughts are unhappy or annoyed or frustrated or just generally in the dgaf area. when you dont care about something, sometimes its difficult to be happy. and i got really worried today. i know, i know. its already been said to not worry about the future. but its so difficult when i know theres something wrong with me. when i know theres many things. things wrong with how i think, how i act. when i know that because of all this, the same things always happen. why cant i be positive? why cant i think, this is already different. shouldnt this aspect be different too? shouldnt this change too. maybe it wont be a problem. maybe i wont be. but its hard to believe that when ive thought something else for half my life.
i dont want you to tell me what i say isnt true. i dont want to hear anything comforting. i probably wont listen. goddammit. i honestly despise myself for being this negative, nearly directly to you. but i swore to myself when you confessed to me, that i would not stop writing my thoughts. i would not stop at writing something that i wouldnt want you to see. i dont think i want you to see the things i just wrote. yet, i dont want to hide things from you. but i dont want to make you sad, or make you feel like youre doing something wrong, because you arent. i dont want to pull you into my gloomy mind. that is not my aim. i am simply continuing to write in this blog as if nothing happened between us, and you cant read this. except that half the time i am speaking directly to you, as i am now. but whatttteverrr. xP i honestly dont want your sympathy. because theres nothing to be sympathetic about? haa.
i was slightly offended today, because hunter and i were talking about how michelle is much more mature than sam. and him and jordan are kind of the same maturity wise, but in different ways. and then he said that you were more mature than i. and i dont care if its true, it still bothers me a little. xD haa. id disagree with him, but my emotions are so retarded, i cant. im not mature, im not responsible. im lazy. i shouldnt be an adult. how irritating. i wasnt even going to tell you that, but i decided to. because whats there to hide? nothing. just my emotions being unreasonable again. as they always are. i get so irritated at the stupidest fucking things.
my dad totally came in here, about 20 minutes ago, right on cue, complaining about me not doing scholarships or homework. thanks, dad.
in art, i was also thinking about how i disliked nearly everyone. and then i wondered if that meant that i thought i was better than them. but i dont think that i think that? but maybe i do? and that was annoying. because im not better than them, but how can i think so lowly of someone if i dont think so highly of myself? who fucking cares. ive been bothered all day. maybe its been too much of a good thing? can i not handle this? does my mind shut down when theres too much wonderful? what am i doing? i wish i knew.
today in the morning, and in ecology, i actually wanted to do my math IA. i wanted to go home, and do my math IA, cause i knew i could get part of it finished. but now that im here, i do not want to even look at it. how frustrating. something i used to love to do, and i felt that love this morning, after i spoke to brooks briefly about our IA because da bitch wasnt there. he told me what to do on geogebra, i hope i remember… and then we just talked about the problem more, and it was just nice, and i was loving math again. and now that im home, and my father is telling me to do things, i dont want to do anything. now that ive allowed my mind so much time to think about how i hate everything and math class, i dont want to do it. i wish i didnt need to use a computer program to help me. i wish i could do it all on paper, all on a white board. its frustrating that these IAs force you to use technology, they want you to, they require it. why cant i do some good old math, some good old calculus, without getting on fancy programs to create fancy graphs for fancy math. why am i unsatisfied with everything? what can i do to help myself?
les papillons
[ Posted Mon, 14 Feb 2011 22:03:00 ]
i dont know why i turned into this incredibly bashful person at that moment. when i had planned it, it had gone nothing like that. i hadnt even thought about that being awkward at all. in my mind it seemed perfectly normal. but i had to do it, i had to. i had to do it, because i wanted to show, in some other way than just speaking, how i feel. maybe because my feelings are so sincere, and that song so perfectly fits them, that i was embarrassed. maybe it was because i meant every word. and i feel so awkward, because im so confused. should i be feeling like this? if not, what should i be feeling? because i dont know. this is so different than anything ive done before. but i like it a lot. i just dont know what to do.
especially because, of the thing in my mind. the thing that doesnt want me to be happy. it has no rhyme or reason. it just exists, and its what usually prevents me from finding happiness. because it doesnt want me to. i dont know why. i cant figure it out. but something has to be there, because there is no way i should ever be so sad. there is no way, that i should not usually be happy. but im not usually happy. i mean, now i am. but i keep getting confused. especially when theres so many good things at one time. and i dont know what to do with them, and i like them but my mind doesnt like them, and i dont understand what i really want. i feel like i want to be happy. but i dont think that i do. but that doesnt make sense. why would i want to be sad? i dont like being sad, i dont like waking up with sore, raw eyes. what do i do? why cant my mind work in more simpler terms, why cant i understand it?
goddammit. but im not sad right now. im slightly frustrated because of my thoughts, but im also really happy. tonight is one of those wonderful nights that im going to go upstairs, and eat flavor blasted goldfish and read harry potter and text zac all night. or if he isnt too tired, i could talk to him on the phone. ^^; that would be even better. today was fucking wonderful, and i have no worries about anything. im happy. :D especially now, cause zac got home and hes texting me again ^^; why does my happiness depend on someone else? im so fucking pathetic. xD ah well. whatevs. youre wonderful. (: thank you.
Tagged with: (:
bee.
[ Posted Sun, 13 Feb 2011 23:08:14 ]
today ive had so much to do. i was supposed to be busy. but i still feel like its okay to just lay in my bed some more. to just think of the good thing i have, to just wonder whats going to happen, to just let my mind run wild with the possibilities. to just do things that other people would consider ‘a waste of time’. to finish a silly present for someone who means a lot to me. to just sit back, and actually be nice to my family and watch a movie with them (they hate when i dont, which is most of the time because i dont like movies much). to just eat dinner slowly and have a conversation with my parents. to dance in the car to katy perry and p!atd without a worry or care about what i had to come home to do.
i havent started my math IA yet. and im not worried. im not freaking out. i dont care if i get a bad grade on it. im going to try my best, in the small amount of time ive made for myself. and tomorrow is going to be wonderful. im going to finish my gifts, and ill present them to my ‘honey bunny’ (as my mother referred to him). ill give a gift to my ‘secret valentine’ in french class (theres only one boy, and i didnt get him, i got the student teacher, so dont worry), and i have no doubt shell be happy because she said she liked tea, and i gave her one of my small tea pots, and a bunch of tea, and i feel like thats pretty legit. and tomorrow i will be able to be with zac the whole day after school, and it will feel very nice. and ill be around other people i love. and im so happy, im so content with where things are, nothing can bring me down. even a grade i know will be terrible, in my (used to be?) favorite subject. life is good.
THAT TEXT POST WAS ZAC.
[ Posted Sat, 12 Feb 2011 22:33:00 ]
HE THINKS HES SO COOL.
so i just wanted to say something real quick. if you dont want to be put on the level of genius about your art, do you think i want to be put on the level of genius about singing? do not fear; i am not scolding you. i am also talking about everyone. plus, i only started chorus last year. you have been making art for so much longer. i have so much more to improve upon, as do you. i never said you were a genius. i really like your art, because its fucking weird. it doesnt have to be perfect; thats why its art. of course, theres always room to improve. theres a lot of art that is better than yours (of course, its not a competition). but i still really like it.. especially the ones you draw for me. ^^; i like weird freaky stuff, cause i cant think of that kinda stuff. i think your art is really good, also because i cant achieve anything remotely close to it. i am in awe. WOW. im totally doing what you just said not to do! AHM AH GUD LISTNEAR. idk, im not a very good critique of art because i like a lot of stuff. i like pretty much everything ive seen of michelles. i think michelle is fucking awesome. perhaps im biased, but whatever. cunt halp eet. i suppose i could say the same for my family and friends about my singing, but its not just them either. its like everyone. and i want to tell them all to shut up, because i know nothing. i feel like i know nothing about singing, ive only just began improving my voice. and its frustrating, because theres only so much one can do… its not possible to change one’s voice. you have so many places to go, so much more you can do, so much more to improve upon. i wish i had that much space to grow. im jelly. but still, this is besides the point, i honestly ramble all the time. stream of consciousness, i wish i saved that text… the point is, im also tired of being praised. i cant even count how many people said i was going to make states. i dont even care, but its frustrating because its like i disappointed every single one of them. its like they expected something of me that wasnt fair. i hate expectations. they didnt mean to do that, they meant it as encouragement. but thats not how i take these things. just like how everyone said that we were going to date. okay, we are now. but it wasnt happening. and everyone continually assured me that you liked me. and i was like wtf, obviously not. how can you think this? and it was annoying, because it was like all of them got my hopes up a million times, only for me to have to bring myself back down again, and tell myself you didnt care. of course, now you do care. and im happy. and i still dont know whats going to happen. but i like whats happening so far. i just wanted to let you know, i feel a similar way about singing as you do about art.
I AM A SUPER DUPER GOOD SINGER
[ Posted Sat, 12 Feb 2011 17:20:22 ]
SOGGY CEREAL IS THE BEST
[ Posted Fri, 11 Feb 2011 20:24:00 ]
Tagged with: (:
everything is mattering less and less to me. this has been happening for awhile. ive slowly been feeling apathetic towards more and more things. this is the opposite of what i want to happen. so why do i feel this way, when i dont want to?
i want to be happy, although i dont even really care if im sad. but i still want to be happy, that is one of the few things that im fairly certain i want. granted, few things make me happy. most of them really only make me content, which is good enough for me. like drugs. they make me content, not happy. cept ecstasy, but duh. :P but that is still good enough for me. thai food makes me content. swinging makes me content. but its too cold.. nice weather makes me content, because i love being outside. i fucking hate the cold. XD sometimes i go through periods where different things make me content. sometimes its anime, or books, or halo. going shopping makes me content, sorry im a girl. xD soccer makes me content. music i like makes me content, music that reminds me of things i like. michelle makes me content/happy. i love her. a few other friends make me content, but only a handful. zac makes me happy. making zac happy makes me ecstatic.
i dont want to do anything but things that make me happy. but that isnt how life works. life doesnt let you only do things that make you happy. i dont want to work. i dont want to obey. i want to try a different drug with michelle everyday. i want to lay in bed with zac for a fucking week. i want to stay outside in the warm sun all day and just exist. i want to go everywhere. i want to explore the world. i want to experience everything. i want to be magic. i want to grab a fucking shooting star and take a ride on it. i want to go on adventures. i dont want all of that to require so much money. i dont want to work; i want to live. i want to learn. i want to know. i want to do what i want, and i dont want anyone to stop me. but i cant do anything remotely close to any of those things, because thats not how fucking life works. and i cant stand it. i dont want to live a static life. i dont want to do the same things, all the time, everyday. i want to do so much, even though i dont know what those things are. i want to get out. i want to break out.
help me. i cant do it alone.
Tagged with: (:
warmth.
[ Posted Thu, 10 Feb 2011 18:14:23 ]
are you kidding me. i could cry. i had already written a fairly long post, when my mother asked me to help her with something in the basement. then my father came home, and weve been chilling in the kitchen and i havent been bothered or frustrated. and then i come back in here, and my computer restarted itself. and i went to tumblr and hoped it retrieved my post, but all it kept was the title. it frustrates me so fucking much when things like this happen. i dont know why, but whenever technology fucks with me, i get really upset. like i feel like it has this personal vendetta against me. i am strange.
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