i feel so sick.
[ Posted Sun, 08 May 2011 12:48:01 ]
fuck it.
[ Posted Sat, 07 May 2011 14:10:55 ]
i wish i could say what was on my mind to people. i wish i didnt want to not be a bother. i wish i didnt give a fuck about being a bother. because then i could say things like, FUCK YOU, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE HERE AND GET YOUR FUCKING HORSE MOUTH OFF OF MY BOYFRIENDS DRINK AND STOP BEING AN ANNOYING BITCH. but i cant do that. because thats unreasonable. and irrational. and bitchy. and i know that would make me a bother. fucking. fuck. hate. everyone. why am i such an actor? why cant i just say whats on my mind, even if its going to bother someone that i really dont want to bother? because i cant.. i just cant… its the worst thing.. i cant stand it when someone is irritated with me. unless i dgaf about that person. but i cant.. i cant bother certain people. it upsets me more so than not speaking my mind does.
i only get frustrated by myself. by my own doing. how sad, to admit this.
goddammit. i feel like i ate too much, and all i had was noodles and a glass of chocolate soy milk. what the fuck. my stomach is wack. i need to stop eating so abnormally. once again, even though i know this, it wont change… im still hoping, that it will in college. im still hoping that everything will change in college. except you, my dear! of course, i still want our relationship to stay the same ^^; but other than that.. it all sucks. but i dont see myself changing in this house. this house! how everyone adores it but me!
and i still am unconvinced to how people think they understand each other. it just doesnt work. especially when people cant express themselves well enough. gah, so frustrating.
last night was awesome though. im just being a butt today. but i miss you. XD especially when you sent me that super adorable picture.. fuck. youre way too cute. mmm. makes me just think about your soft skin, your soft freckled skin… your collarbones that stick out too far, which i take advantage of! >D haa now you have to wear higher shirts for like a week. xP that was really fun though! that was my favorite part of the night! especially seeing your face…! ^^; mmm, i love making you feel that way! we definitely need to do something like that again! we really were in the hottub a long time!
and hahaa . you and steven are so cute. x) like. just the way you act together, its precious. im glad that we can all hang out and be friends ^^; i like steven. and i like you around steven, because you are so fucking hyper and adorable. that was fun, even though near the end i really just wanted you for myself. im a zac hog! >.< i cant help it.
bwah. i felt like saying more. but i forgot what i wanted to say. i need to paint my mommy something before she gets back….
OH YEAH. i dont know why sam is following me now, since apparently he hates me because he thinks im trying to break up him and michelle. yup, you are totally right sam. i want my best friend to be miserable. you are so logical.
I FORGOT
[ Posted Thu, 05 May 2011 21:04:44 ]
TO EAT DINNER AGAIN.
if i didnt smoke weed, id be the best anorexic person, because i never remember to eat food when im sober. xD
eyes. hurt.
[ Posted Thu, 05 May 2011 18:18:09 ]
i dont want to do anything, so im happy i dont have to do anything. xD i have to be off book for theatre tomorrow, but ill do that later, no problem. my eyes hurt and im tired as fuck, i deserve a break. im almost disappointed in myself when i think about the IB math papers, but i dont care what my grade is either. its not about what i get. its just the fact that i cant fucking do math anymore. it kills me. it kills me that i dont care. about math. theres no way im majoring in it. but i still love it… isnt it terrible when you love something, but you cannot succeed at it? like anything art related… i used to get so frustrated, even in just 7th grade. then again, if ive ever done/made something really great, i probably wouldnt have recognized it. i wouldnt accept it as being good, anyways… most people that think like this, strive to be better. they cant accept things they do as great because they have to be better. but i cant be better. im already defeated.
BLAH. michelle called me and then i forgot where i was going. xD hahaa. i think ill watch more anime to distract myself from my emotions! >D
fuuuuuuuuck
[ Posted Wed, 04 May 2011 22:20:17 ]
my head. my mind. i remember when hunter used to tell me he didnt think hed live past 27, and it upset me. but now i understand. its not that i cant deal with this. im not a weenie. i just dont feel like it… too lazy to live. theres no reason for me to even make an effort.. i dont feel very motivated.
its time to go upstairs, because zac called. i need to do something distracting. i dont wanna study math.. i just dont care.
favorite. best. you.
[ Posted Tue, 03 May 2011 21:18:00 ]
despite the fact that we did it twice today (and dont get me wrong, doing it is fucking awesome. harhar), my favorite part was probably when i got to pin you down and tickle you, and not let you escape! i love playing with you. its just so fun and silly. and youre so cute.. its all giggles and smiles and touching when it comes to that. so wonderful… your skin is so soft and beautiful… i feel so lucky. your face… your nose, your cheeks, your eyes oh my goodness! how i adore just looking at you. just looking into your eyes, and thinking about how much you mean to me… today was wonderful, thank you. thank you thank you! doing it, laying on your bed with our skin touching, and then doing it again, and once again cuddling! oh, how exciting! and surprising! i apologize i was wiped out by the end of all of it, but can you blame me?! (; ah, i cannot wait to spend another day like this with you. the freedom… i want that freedom with you all the time. you make me feel so much better than most of my blog posts suggest.
if i dont get a 4 on the calculus exam, thats alright! ill just take calculus in college, because calculus is fucking awesome. thats what i have decided. no more getting upset. its not my fault i didnt learn half this stuff. ill still try, but no more upset-ness.
i am in a much better mood now! woooo zac! woooo calculus! those are what make me feel good! haaa!
Tagged with: (:
confused.
[ Posted Tue, 03 May 2011 15:28:30 ]
constantly. by myself. by my thoughts. by my feelings. its difficult to feel without thinking, but i swear.. i swear if i didnt think so many negative things, i wouldnt feel so many negative emotions. its my fault, its my mind. fuck, i dont even know. this doesnt even make sense.
there are times when i believe i am truly happy. and then later, i doubt that happiness ever existed. i doubt it, because i dont feel it. because im not remembering it. and then i wonder if it actually did happen, if i actually did have positive emotions, because then i become unsure. and then i become confused.
and then i think that im never really happy. and every time that im not completely depressed is when im being distracted. is when i have a distraction. but thats stupid.. i have to be happy sometimes, right?
why am i so concerned about this anyway…?
im tired
[ Posted Mon, 02 May 2011 21:40:54 ]
of having emotions. xD i cant fucking do anything. i wanna do fucking calculus. but i know i wont be able to focus, and ill just like cry all over my practice problems or something. goddammit. fucking. hate this. i need drugs. xD haa. just kidding. but seriously. -.- i dont have this problem on drugs. plus i have to take a fucking shower. fuck! alright. ill take a shower and then do calculus. but i really, really dont want to take a shower. especially not now.. that sounds like one of the most unappealing things i could possibly do at the moment. im making an insane face of disgust, for anyone whos watching. yeh. showers are gross. maybe that doesnt make any sense to anyone else, but it does to me. and im still afraid that my fucking birth control got infected with insects and mold and i cant take them anymore. but thats not true. BUT IT WAS SO REAL. THAT WAS SUCH A REAL DREAM. omg.
i got nausea today. i wanna read it. prolly wont help with my emotional unstable-ness. but i cant. i gotta do calculus. AND TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER. I HATE EVERYONE! FUCKING SOCIETY MAKING SHOWERS NECESSARY. GODDAMMIT. EVERYONE THINKS THEY HAVE TO BE ALL CLEAN AND COLD AND NAKED. I DONT WANNNNNNNA. IM WHINEY. fuuuuuuck. but i gotta be fucking clean for my fucking man. who wants to do a dirty cunt? seriously. gross. i understand. which is why i gotta go fucking clean myself. goddammit. want . weed. to shower. showering doesnt suck when im high! fml.
man..
[ Posted Mon, 02 May 2011 20:56:00 ]
whenever someone else is texting me, i just want it to be you. i dont want to talk to nick spangler. i want to talk to you. i dont get all happy when he texts me, i just get disappointed because its not you. and that goes for anyone. but this is just what is happening right now. >.<
i need to stop. i need to stop being so damn clingy. i need to stop thinking about you all the time. stop stop stop. before i become a bother.
theres a pattern i seem to follow. happy. clingy. crazy woman. bored. obsessive (not on my part). ignore. bye. sadness (not me). im not keen on following this again. at least not with you. youre better than them.
i suck.
i cant find an anime i feel like watching. im annoyed. at myself. my head hurts. im so negative.
Tagged with: AAAAAAGONYYYYY
i. hate everything.
[ Posted Thu, 28 Apr 2011 23:15:00 ]
so annoying. so mopey. so emo.
i want to scream.
i cant explain this. but i hate this. i hate this world. i hate people. i hate being with people. no, no. its all myself. i really hate myself. well, i hate most people too. but its really myself.
i really wanna know whats going to happen to me in my future. theres no way ill find the right husband. ill never be happy. and im still convinced i will never fall in love. i dont even know what i want anymore.. i was so intent on having kids, but now im not even sure about that anymore. the one thing i knew i wanted.. but i dont even feel like existing for that long. there would be no point.. i wouldnt be happy. i do it to myself. i make myself unhappy. it all has to do with my mind. and if i dont know the point of existing, and if i dont feel like it, and if im not going to be happy, then like. why the hell would i do anything. i dont even know.. im crazy. fucking crazy. no sense.. illogical.
i swear if something happens to you after you die… ill go fucking insane. i will. immediately. theres no way i want to exist for eternity. or even for awhile. death needs to be the end. i dont know what ill do if its not…
i dont even know what i think anymore. because my thoughts are always changing… they are always around the same general area but.. fuck . i dont even know. WHAT AM I DOING.
i want to screamm… not be as quiet as i possibly can.. because its after ‘bedtime’.
i dont know what to do.. i cant just be a normal person.. what is a normal person, anyways? and why do i think that im special? that im different? fuck. im just the same as everyone else… terrible.. terrible.
i could never be in jail like omar. i would go crazy. from my own mind. minds are insane.. how does everyone elses work? i wanna know… how does anyone change themselves? change how they think, their thought process ? i gotta know.. i gotta change.. i dont want this to get worse.. because its getting worse..
whats wrong.. whats wrong… i cant answer that.. what am i doing here… i need to get away. im so stupid. fuck. i really. really. detest myself. more than i hate anyone or anything else. i really am the worst.
Tagged with: hate
wat to do.
[ Posted Thu, 28 Apr 2011 16:40:11 ]
recently, i have just been upset alot. depressed, and too girl-like. my thoughts… i cant control them. i want them to stop. how can you stop yourself from thinking? i used to just read. but that has steadily become more and more difficult from when i was younger. goodness how i used to read… how i used to immerse myself in worlds different from my own! and now, i cant seem to escape. and if i do, its not for very long. its frustrating…
my father is in the room, working on a laptop for my sister to take to florida.. i feel sort of awkward but i need to finish getting this out before i work on my dress then scholarship. goddammit.
what the hell is my problem.. i dont know why my mind believes it necessary to get upset about everything irrational. fucking girl mind. fuck. ill never be able to like myself. and see, most girls, hate how they look. sometimes ill randomly dislike something about how i look, but for the most part, i love it. i enjoy being short. i like my legs. i like my hair. i like my eyes and my nose and my cheekbones. im even good with my boobies now. theres nothing wrong with how i look. no, no, that has never been the problem. it has always been within, because that is what matters the most.
im so tired of it! i know ive said that a million times, but its true. i am fed up with my own mind.. some people think im annoying on the outside, well how annoying do you think i fucking am on the inside? because its terrible. unreasonable. irrational. bitch. top words id use to describe myself. it wont change… why am i like this? why do i have to be a girl… oh, thats always the base of my problems. im so miserable. …
its not like i hide it either. my moms always asking me whats wrong and telling me i look depressed. hm, wonder why. my sister always comes in my room when im crying, and leaves when i dont respond to her. they should just go away and not care. its not like anything is going to help me. i dont need help. XD not from anyone else. i need to fucking get over myself. fuck. so. dumb.
i hate that whole above paragraph, i sound annoying as fuck.
when i was younger, i thought about suicide, but not seriously. now all i wish is that i didnt exist. thats all. i just dont want to exist. that would be easy. no problems. this is how i almost always feel.
its kind of funny, the day i feel like shit, i decide to wear my ‘it’s k’ shirt. oh, the irony!
i loved your explosion
[ Posted Wed, 27 Apr 2011 22:41:00 ]
of posts on space indian! :D THATS MY FAVORITE TUMBLR. xD
hahaa, and he wouldnt have been IN my house, i would have insisted on staying outside. darling, im not angry or upset; in fact, im flattered! and i understand.. you dont have to explain. i guess i didnt think of it when it was happening, because i would never like thomas like that. xD but i suppose i should have been a bit more considerate of you, although you call your feelings irrational. feelings dont have to make sense.. i know this fact a great deal. xD jealousy is normal, and usually irrational. you dont have to be reasonable, man. although, you definitely are the logical, reasonable one between us. ha! i dont want you to do something like that either. if some girl wanted to hang out with you at night that wasnt sarah or britni, id probably cry xD haaa. so do not worry, my dear. i apologize for evoking such feelings in you, even if you dont think i should apologize. and although you already know it, ill say it again; i would much, much rather be with you. how could i not? ill always be accepting of your feelings, even if i disagree, or dont understand them. im tired of unacceptance and closed minds. i refuse to be a part of it!
Apparently, mountain dew and vodka is really good.
[ Posted Tue, 26 Apr 2011 20:27:28 ]
if someone brings vodka to the party, you have to try it. xP it sounds fucking delicious. but that might be because i really like vodka. XD
see the thing is, i like alcohol, i just dont like getting drunk. XD everyone else is the opposite… if theres something really yummy though, i might drink a bit. but not much at all. jusssst sayin.
i want to spend so much more time with you.
[ Posted Mon, 25 Apr 2011 18:05:22 ]
im just going to be honest about everything i feel from now on. honest with myself, that is. it doesnt happen all the time, but sometimes i try and trick myself, or push myself to think differently about what i feel. but thats dumb. im just going to feel. im just going to let myself feel, and try not to think about it too much. when i think too much, i get even more depressed. thinking doesnt help. ill still feel upset without thinking too much, but i wonder how upset?
i cant believe it. i still think im dreaming. it still feels like a dream. how can something this good be real? how could someone as wonderful as you care so much about someone like me? i.. i dont get it. xD it doesnt make sense. maybe thats why i touch you so insanely much. to make sure its all real… and because i just like touching you. (x but i want to touch you so much more.. i want to feel you so much more.. i want to get as close to you as possible.. everywhere. i want to be with you. i want to do everything with you. i want to experience everything with you. i miss you, everytime you leave. i cant wait for the summer. oh, my dearest! how excited i am. (:
Tagged with: (:
pwah.
[ Posted Sun, 24 Apr 2011 21:09:48 ]
i dont want to do anything right now. like, i dont think i can overcome my urge. i dont even really want to be doing this. i dont even want to be on the computer. i dont want to paint. i dont want to sew. i dont want to watch a movie. i dont want to eat. i dont want to do homework. i dont want to do fucking anything. and i dont know why, but its irritating. i dont even want to think right now. and i cant explain it. but im tired. of. everything. and i dont know why. i feel sick. i feel like one day soon im going to be irritating. and it makes me so upset… i cant finish my homework. but it doesnt matter. but it bothers me. it bothers me that i dont, i cannot finish my homework. WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO IN COLLEGE. IN LIFE. i cant do everything i want to do, and thats all. i have to do things i dont wanna do. THATS LIFE. lifes not fair. blah blah blahhh/.
my dad annoyed me today because for some reason, we were all talking about piercings and tattoos. and my dad thinks they are all stupid. and then they got to gauges. and my dad said people did that just for attention. well maybe the bigger gauges are for that, but i really like small gauges. i like them on a lot of people. i dont really know why, i just like them. and it bothered me. and then they talked about tattoos, and said they were really stupid too. and it made me mad. and i told them that zac was going to get a tattoo, or multiple ones. and my mom acted surprised. and i was just annoyed because i dont think its stupid. i think some tattoos are stupid. like jaysons. like a bunch of girls who just get stupid shapes like stars and shit. and i dont like most tramp stamps. but zac isnt going to get stupid tattoos. and a lot of people have really sweet ones. and my dad was saying how its all unreasonable, because when you go to get a job, people wont like that. MAN FUCK THAT. im so annoyed by things being ‘unacceptable’. why cant people have some open fucking minds?
like my mom and sex. why should i wait until marriage? its not a bad thing. i cant explain it, really. but sex just.. isnt bad. unless someones getting hurt, or something like that. i just.. i dont get it. the things that are ‘unacceptable’ should be acceptable, and vice versa. people do some shitty things, and some of those shitty things are somehow acceptable. or like. how people are so materialistic and shit. and how people and the media puts shitty ideas into peoples heads, like.. like that girls have to shave. their legs. or their fucking pubes. nobody has any idea how much that bothers me (and i dont mind the legs as much as i mind the pubic hair). its natural. ITS. NATURAL. ITS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE. ITS THERE FOR A REASON. how can you not appreciate whats natural? i dont want to look like a fucking child. i refuse to. and in the future, if any boy for some reason thinks that thats too gross to deal with, then i just wont deal with him because he clearly isnt worth my time. but its because people are told its gross. were told that. thats why everyone thinks that way. and i cant escape. and it bothers me.
WHY DO I RAMBLE. I DONT MEANT TO GET OFF TOPIC. BUT SEX ISNT BAD. WHY CANT EVERYONE BE FUCKING HIPPIES. DRUGS ARENT BAD EITHER. FUCK. I HATE EVERYTHING. EDSFUHBASUFHNSDFUSDNHASFKASFA. i just want to scream. because this world fucking sucks.
WHAT WOULD I HAVE WITHOUT YOU?! i dont wanna say that. i dont wanna think about it. -.- i think the older i get, the more depressed my thoughts become.
unravel.
[ Posted Fri, 22 Apr 2011 23:03:00 ]
its pathetic…that the only ‘school’ subject that is interesting to me…i forget everything having to do with it. how can someone think something is so fascinating…and not retain any information about it…? no, there is no successful future for me. few things interest me, and i either lose interest in them, or i apparently do not care enough to remember anything about them. why do i have this problem… why do i have this lack of motivation? of course, only i can change this. nobody else can. but i cant seem to either. and its frustrating. i am so frustrated. because i cant do anything. i cant remember how to do anything. anything important, anyways.
i keep assuring myself it will all change in college. but why would it? why would i all the sudden gain motivation? why would i change? im just lazy. and good-for-nothing. how can i expect to just do my work in college, when i procrastinate/dont do it now? because that is literally what i expect to happen. my reasoning is that all my classes will be interesting. but that isnt true. and even if i find something interesting at first, i can change my mind. i have to take the required credits, too, and im sure there will be some (english and history(i like ancient history though)/government oriented) that i will not enjoy too much.
how can i major in a subject that i cannot remember basic (well, basic to the level of math im in), easy things!? the rest of my class does not have this problem. becca and lauren probably do. what the hell? anyone could make sexist comments based on my math class, because all the girls are dumb. and theres only three. awesome. its like im already expected to suck, anyways. but seriously. i have a problem. and i hate being dumb. especially in math. and ive felt fucking retarded all year long.
how could mr shenk leave? i cant blame him on my personal failure, because its not his fault. its my fault. i could have tried harder. i could have tried harder to care. i dont even hate her any more. maybe its because she hasnt been mean to me. i thought our homework was to do 1-4 on the practice ib paper twos, but it was really 1-5, and when she came by to check and i was all sputtering and whatnot, she obviously believed me and smiled and winked at me. and i got a 100 on that homework, i checked on teacherease. i still dont like that she calls on me all the time, because im never paying attention. xD and i get in trouble for talking to fowler. maybe its because i dgaf so much now, that i cant even feel hate. XD thats how much i dont care… how pathetic!
i dont even care about my grade. i care that i suck. i care that i cant do math anymore. i.. i dont know how to fix it. ive lost a year, and ill never get it back. how could i do that to something i love? how could i let myself become this way? oh, i say all this, and i wont do anything to change it. i dont know how.
Playing N64 with your girlfriend: successful geek ;D
[ Posted Fri, 22 Apr 2011 18:57:06 ]
i agree! i had a wonderful day at your house yesterday; i would consider those the best hours ive ever spent there! (: thank you very much!
and another thing.. last night when i was being a sleepyhead, i remember you telling me you really liked my kisses that day. what i really like, is that we will randomly kiss differently than we normally kiss! and its fun! and i dont know why it happens, but i enjoy it. i dont know if youve ever noticed that, but it definitely happens. we have like… a usual type of kissing. and like randomly, theres like a different feel, or a different way that just.. happens. and i like it. because its interesting. i always like how you kiss, though. you are already my favorite, and ive kissed quite a few people. :P youre just so damn soft. mmm! now i seriously want to kiss you, ive been thinking about it while typing this whole thing. how could i not think about it! mmm! i cant wait till tomorrow! (; although honestly, a day with you without a major amount of kissing is still fucking amazing. so thank you. (:
Tagged with: kissy, (:
Quite shitty--Now.
[ Posted Mon, 18 Apr 2011 21:53:44 ]
thespaceindian:
Tomorrow, Tomorrow!
Come here, tomorrow!
Rays of sunshine, pour down on me—
Now.
Tomorrow, can you hurry?
Can't you scurry over here?
Goddammit, come here, tomorrow!—
Now.
I need the smile that comes with tomorrow
I need the heat wave of joy wrapped in tomorrow
I crave tomorrow—
Now.
wonderful, wonderful! not shitty at all my darling. (: the end is my favorite. and i completely agree with all of it!
Tagged with: (:
I WAM SO EXCITED
[ Posted Mon, 18 Apr 2011 20:31:52 ]
i was about to backspace the ‘wam’ to make it ‘am’, but i thought it was funny just the way i typed it. xD
TOMORROW IS GOING TO BE MY FAVORITE DAY EVER!
and today was a good start! all i did was get high, and watch the first pokemon movie (which seems like it happened yesterday!), and eat, and paint something that didnt make me frustrated (my mommy said it was beautiful!), and go to the store with mommy and watch a chick flick! WHAT A GREAT START, IM TELLIN YA.
and tomorrow ima wear all stripes, and a booby dress, and cute undies AND WERE GONNA HAVE FUN IN MY BED! >D and in the hottub! and my bathing suit is also striped XD AND LIFE IS AWESOME AND I LOVE EVERYTHING!
and im so happy to spend a whole day with just you. only you… a whole day to ourselves! oh, how i yearn for tomorrow to come! but i dont mind waiting a bit, because its worth it! oh, how happy i shall be! how happy i am! look how happy you make me! oh, its ridiculous! i simply cant wait… oh my goodness! just me and you, just you and i… oh, oh! its too much! ahhh. from the moment you arrive, the day will be incredibly wonderful! oh my dear. lets go to sleep and wake up. (:
Tagged with: (:
i just bought two pairs of toms.
[ Posted Mon, 18 Apr 2011 09:48:31 ]
without telling my dad. XD hes going to murder me when he sees that i spent 108 dollars on two pairs of shoes + shipping, when i already have more than 80 pairs of shoes… hehehe. i didnt wanna tell him because hes about to leave.. and he will just fuss at me. xD its my credit card… i can do what i want! XD but i seriously need to stop spending money, because im gonna run out… OH WAIT NO IM NOT! IM GONNA WORK AT KINGS DOMINION FOR HAUNT AGAIN! heck yes. happiness.
i was just gonna buy the white pair. but then i saw this really cool red pair with white stripes down the side. and i had to get them too, before i changed my mind. x) im a terrible girl! ehehee
Tagged with: toms!, (:
windsmourn:
Being alone in your room late at night is the worst part of the day.
Tagged with: i agree
discouragement.
[ Posted Sun, 17 Apr 2011 17:59:00 ]
last night my mom was talking to me. she said that my father had told her that i never tell him hes a good dad. and she told him that its probably because he never tells me im ever good. he never says anything encouraging, or even a ‘good job’.
my father considers himself the smartest one in the house, but my mom knows whats going on. she understands some of what makes me happy, and i understand the same for her. my father doesnt comprehend what makes me happy and unhappy, and i dont get him either. i dont even know if he ever is happy.
my mom always tells my dad ‘its a girl thing’. she tells him he doesnt understand because hes not a girl. like with the bathing suits. she was trying to explain why we needed two, and he didnt agree. he argued that ena never goes swimming, and its only in the hottub. and my mom said that even though she only gets in the hottub, she wants at least two bathing suits.
i think my dad thinks men are superior than women. i think most men think that, actually. some show it more than others, but i think that nearly all of them think that. and why shouldnt they.. its what society tells them to think.
i wish my mom was there, a few weeks ago. when i was in the exercise room. and i gave up, and layed on the floor crying. and then of course my dad has to walk in. what a bother… and he never leaves until i tell him why im crying. and then he just tells me that my reasons are stupid so why do i even tell him? why couldnt my mom just show up and say ‘mark, you dont understand, its a girl thing’? ugh. whatever.
im not gonna tell him hes a good dad if he doesnt tell me im a good daughter. xP and sometimes hes a good dad. i mean. i appreciate everything he does for me, i guess. but anything that comes out of his mouth sucks. or anytime he fucking pops up, out of no where, is the worst. my mom fucking told him he can only come in my room if he knocks first. and what does he do, last week, in the morning, when i was changing? he doesnt knock, and opens my fucking door. i could have destroyed him.
i want to leave. or rather, i want him to leave. cant wait for three days of awesome. awesome smoking, awesome painting, awesome zac, awesome ecstasy. and no complaining. no one telling me that im wasting time. what the hell? all i did today was paint, draw, and sew. HOW IS THAT NOT PRODUCTIVE. i even cleaned! what the hell! i was barely on the computer. so. mad. IM NEVER GOOD ENOUGH
reply!
[ Posted Sun, 17 Apr 2011 13:39:06 ]
thespaceindian:
superdupercreative:
WHY DOES NOTHING EVER FUCKING TURN OUT HOW I FUCKING WANT IT TO
THE BOX :D I like it! It's kinda hard to read ...box“ but other than that it looks good, I like the electrical socket on there :) maybe blend the background colors more? Idk how your paints work though..
thats because i messed up. xD the box was legible before that. XD and this is a phone picture. :P but really, the only thing you cant see is details… i was playing around with salt and a toothbrush. xP but im retarded, and put most of the salt on the yellowy part, so you cant even see it. xD and i dont know how my paints work either, i always wanna blame it on them because theyre cheap and they suck. XD but yeah i mean. i was thinking about our conversation before i went to sleep last night, and i wanted to make something out of it. but it wasnt as cool as i thought it was gonna be… meh.
WHY DOES NOTHING EVER FUCKING TURN OUT HOW I FUCKING WANT IT TO
[ Posted Sun, 17 Apr 2011 13:17:11 ]
because i fucking suck. because im trying too hard to be something im clearly not. because you actually have to think when doing these things, which is apparently something i dont do very well.
same in music. i cant even fucking count a beat. how fucking hard is that? its not hard. and i cant do it. and ill never be any fucking good because of it. because i cant read any of it. because i cant sing without someone playing the part on the piano, without someone singing with me. i cant just sing a song with the piano part, and its all because i cant fucking count. thats fucking retarded. im fucking retarded.
i just want to give up. its not fair. how come i can picture something in my mind, i have the image in my mind. of what i want to draw, of what i want to paint. and i cant fucking do it. it always comes out way wrong. way, way, way wrong. if it only came out a little wrong, i wouldnt mind. that would make sense. thats okay. its not going to be perfect, and i know that. but theres only so far off im willing to accept from the original image. and nothing i make ever seems to be close enough. silivia’s painting i was happy about; but that was really nothing difficult. basically just coloring what was already drawn. i cant take anything else though. i cant accept it, and its frustrating. why cant this be something i dont care about? why do i have to only care about everything im terrible at?
i dont know what to do. i wanna go to fucking college, because maybe ill get better there. but i dont want to hope anymore, because im always disappointed. thats why i really dislike making goals. i can never fulfill them. ever. its so disappointing.. im so disappointed…
i want everyone to go away. go away . because i cant cry with anyone in my house. because they always fucking ask me whats fucking wrong. if i wanted to fucking talk to someone about it, i fucking would! so stop fucking bothering me! why the fuck would i want to talk to you, when all you do is act like my sadness is stupid, and unimportant, and you laugh at me? why the fuck would i want to share this with anyone WHEN I ALREADY FUCKING KNOW ITS FUCKING RETARDED. YOU THINK I DONT FUCKING KNOW? im not going to fucking bother anyone with my much-less-than-important depressing thoughts. because thats what i would be doing. i would be bothering them. and i wouldnt want to be a burden to anyone. i have this. this is enough.
and i feel better. your space indian post… thats precisely how i would want it. thats.. exactly… oh man, am i lucky to have someone like you. oh man, oh man how happy i am!
Tagged with: fuck, i, hate, everything, .
fuck....
[ Posted Sat, 16 Apr 2011 21:17:23 ]
i dont even mean to post this stupid shit.. my head hurts so much… i dont really want you to read this shit.. i dont want to be irritating… i dont want you to feel anything negative.. i dont want you to try and tell me that im wrong.. because i dont want you to feel like your efforts are wasted.. because they arent.. im happy with you.. but isnt that pathetic, that it isnt that often otherwise.. i dont want you to think, that its your fault.. i dont want you to ever be upset because im a stupid girl. im sorry.. fuck, im so sorry…
part two.
[ Posted Sat, 16 Apr 2011 21:08:00 ]
theres really gotta be something wrong with me. because there is nothing wrong with me. or my life. or anything. and im still depressed. im still emotional as fuck, and nothing fixes it. im still all about negative emotions. and i realized everything that i do thats wrong. i recognize it. and i dont do anything. i dont fix it. how do i fix it? ive tried.. at least, i thought i tried. was it not enough? were my efforts not sincere? what do i really want… could i really want to be this upset all the time? because thats the only reason ive got. theres no other fucking reason for me to feel like this, all the fucking time. except that im willing it. which is ridiculous, because im sick of it.
how does anyone else do it? fuck, im so whiny. such a whiny, spoiled brat.. such a pathetic bitch.. ugh. im tired of everything. at least i dont blame it on anyone else. i got that goin for me. i know its all me. allllll my fault. theres no other real negative factors in my life. except for myself. and i fucking know this! i fucking know everything i do thats wrong SO WHY CANT I FIX IT. FUCK. everyones going to end up leaving me because im an annoying, dramatic, depressed little fucker, and its probably not going to change. fuck! how i despise myself!
isnt there a saying, that in order to love others, you must love yourself? thats fucking why ive never been in love. cause i fucking hate myself. goddammit.
man.
[ Posted Sat, 16 Apr 2011 20:45:00 ]
i get so discouraged, so easily. its why i quit everything. i get so frustrated, because i know ill never be good enough. ill never even be good. at fucking anything.
what a spoiled brat. refuses to do anything unless its easy. well i got news for you, bitch. nothings easy.
i remember a talk i had with mr shenk… it was near the end of the year, but before i knew he was leaving… we were in his office full of tomatoes, and we were done doing math. and he asked me what i wanted to do… and i told him, i know it sounds stupid mr shenk, but i really just want to get married, and have kids, and be a mother, and thats all. and he said, naw, i dont think youll be able to only do that. and i was like, why not? and he said, that wasnt enough of a challenge for me.
what gave him the idea that i enjoy-even need-a challenge? when have i ever enjoyed something that was difficult for me to do?
thats my problem, you know. thats why im worse than everyone else. i dislike myself, even hate myself. and i know why. i recognize all my faults. and you know what the problem is? i dont fix them. hunter meredith used to tell me all the time that i was the biggest hypocrite ever. id complain about myself, but not do anything to fix it all. most people dont even know what they do wrong. they think its right. but me? oh, i know im wrong. so what the fuck is my problem…?
you know what really gets me. what really, really bothers me. its that im. a. fucking. GIRL. why the hell would anyone want to be a fucking girl? why the hell would anyone want to be a human! why does anyone want to fucking exist goddammit! why. the. hell. dont i care about normal things? but im insanely fucking emotional about stupid shit?! i dont want to feel this much negative. its not fair. if its possible for someone to feel this shitty, shouldnt it be possible that that person also gets to feel FUCKING AMAZING? if someone has the capacity to hold so many negative emotions, wouldnt they have the same capacity to hold so much happiness? i cant understand anything…why am i still trying? when i know it frustrates me so! why would i try so hard to understand everything, everything that doesnt make sense? i cant figure anything out.. im hopeless…
and to think, all this came from the fact, the self-reminder, that i am not an artist, and never will be.
thespaceindian:
( )^.^( )
you. are. so. cute.
Tagged with: (:
whats in a name!
[ Posted Thu, 14 Apr 2011 20:01:32 ]
i really love your name. i know it has basically nothing to do about you… but i cant help it. its like. adorable. its cute.. everyone at lunch agreed. Zachary Alexander Carroll. Zachary Alexander is the best part.. mmm, it’s so pretty! i never thought id like a normal name so much. well ive always liked the name ‘zach’ (and to be truthful, its even better without the h!), and i always thought the name alexander was cool, but i never liked just alex. and i just. its so awesome! haa. im so pathetic.. xD But whatever! i really like your name mann!
dank
[ Posted Thu, 14 Apr 2011 19:30:00 ]
IM EXCITED. xD
Tagged with: (:
yeh.
[ Posted Wed, 13 Apr 2011 22:27:00 ]
haha, thats where im completely different. it didnt matter to me that it was senior year. i would have dated someone that was planning to go to a college in europe for all i cared.. if whoever i was dating planned to go far away, i would have just said bye and gone on to college or whatever. i assumed if i dated someone, it wouldnt be anyone very good, or at least someone that i wouldnt miss all that terribly much anyways. because i fail at caring. so, i suck way more than you. xD because all that sounds way worse. but hey, id rather date someone and be happy for a bit, then maybe? sad for a bit, instead of not dating them at all. still, i knew that you were probably going to VT when you posted that question saying you liked me on here. (and youre more important than anyone else i could have dated… since i also assumed youd never like me CAUSE YOU SUCK.. so, to tell you the truth, i never planned to be so attached to someone…) and i decided that i didnt want to think about that, or even talk about it, until it actually happened. so, if you do decide to go there, lets just not talk about it, and pretend you arent going far away. xD and then we can just be happy and not sad. xD yup, yup.
in theatre were reading a play called the rivals. theres this character named julia, who is engaged to a man named faulkland. faulkland is insecure, and torments her, but he really does care about her. julia puts up with his crap, and doesnt really stand up for herself, because she loves him, and just wants him to be happy, and wants him to know she loves him. mrs facemire says that julia is the only character she hates in the whole play. and she basically told everyone if they thought she was a good character, they were wrong. but i like her.. she is so devoted, she puts up with his faults, and tries to make him a better person. i think… if i could ever love… i would do the same…
late.
[ Posted Wed, 13 Apr 2011 16:39:52 ]
this is sort of late, but i wanted to mention it before.. i was just too tired on friday, and too not-happy to do it any other time. xD
friday was one of the best days weve spent together, i think. all of it was wonderful. in your car… mmm! you know, i wasnt slightly frustrated because you werent going. i was slightly frustrating that i was failing, which i really dont like to do in that category. but its okay. i just felt bad that i failed. but it was still really fun. XD maybe its just something about your car. XD your car is always where the scratching, the biting happens. how wonderful! oh, when i think about times like those my heart races… i enjoyed watching my anime film with you too! (: it was nice and relaxing, even if i wanted to make out with you sometimes. xD haa. the hottub was super fun! xD it makes me happy that you enjoy my boobies! :D i wanted to get your hair wet though. xD idk why. it bothered me that i couldnt just pull you underwater. i wanted the full effect of being half naked in a hottub with you. but goodness was that fun! we need to do that again for sure. (; and soon! oh how i miss you, just thinking about friday!
Tagged with: (:
That awesome feeling when your special someone texted you good morning.
[ Posted Wed, 13 Apr 2011 16:03:12 ]
strawberrytelle:
Tagged with: (:
i am so frustrated.
[ Posted Tue, 12 Apr 2011 21:24:57 ]
because i cannot express my thoughts in any way, shape, or form. even if i dont like my thoughts. why cant i get them out? why cant i say exactly what i mean? why cant i do anything right…
why?
[ Posted Tue, 12 Apr 2011 21:22:58 ]
do i rarely type up things when im happy. it would be so nice, to look back on things, and see that i was having a good time. but instead, i forget i was ever happy, and just see all of the bad things. writing when im unhappy makes me feel better, well maybe not, but i like it anyways. but going back and reading it all does not make me feel better, and i do not like it.
and the thing is, i rationalize my thinking. i understand that its all wrong, and that i have no reasons to be as depressed as i am. i understand when im being dramatic, when im being a girl, when im being stupid. and yet, even when i make these realizations, the emotions stay the same. im still sad. even when i know it doesnt make sense. these are the times when i doubt ill ever be happy. but what is happiness? how does one define it? is it called happy when you are only happy sometimes? how often do you have to feel happiness to be considered happy? but thats not what im upset about it. in my thoughts, happiness is side by side with love. i think i want these things to coexist for me, but neither of them are working out. i doubt so much about my future.. im still convinced ill never feel what i want to feel. but how do i know if i feel it, when i dont know what it feels like? what is it supposed to feel like? i think that you should know when you love someone. it shouldnt be something you are confused about. or is it? see, i dont know. and how am i ever supposed to know if i am ever feeling that way if i dont even know what its all about?! if i cant be happy, i cant love, but if i cant love, i cant be happy. what the fuck ! this is stupid. im stupid. im tired! of this! of myself! i want to get out, i want to get out of my skin, out of my mind. i make myself sick. THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING. why dont i know? fuckingdammit! i hate my mind! RELEASE ME! I JUST WANT TO KNOW. WHY WONT YOU EVER LET ME KNOW ANYTHING YOU FUCKER. WHY DOES NOTHING MAKE SENSE. WHY DONT I MAKE SENSE. FUCK YOU.
please, listen to me.
[ Posted Mon, 11 Apr 2011 21:53:54 ]
i know ive posted alot today. bear with me.
you cannot base your college decision on me. i am so serious. i had assumed that you wouldnt, but i suppose i assumed wrong. please, please. if i am responsible for ruining the future you could have had, i wouldnt be able to bear it. even if im only half the reason youd stay, and the other half everyone else. dont do that.. ive heard you speak about the design place at VT. you are so excited, i can not only hear it, but i can see it too. dont throw away an opportunity for someone like me.. well scratch that, dont throw it away for anyone. you gotta do this for yourself, man. this is your future. i was expecting you to go to VT. well, for awhile, you had me thinking you changed your mind.. but, lets face it. im probably not your best bet for a future, XD not saying its all me, since VCU isnt a bad choice for you either. but you gotta make this decision based on what you wanna do. not who you wanna be with. dont think of whats gonna happen to us, or your other friends, if you go so far away. dont make that a factor. i wouldnt have. if randolph-macon was an hour, two hours away, i would have still gone there. perhaps im heartless, though… but the point isnt what i would have done. if you honestly prefer VCU, as a SCHOOL, not because of how close you would be to everyone, by all means, choose that one. but if VT is really where you want to go, please, please, choose that one. i will tell you my complete and honest opinion right now: I want you to go where you want to go, where you will learn what you want to learn, where you will find the best education for you. I admit it, the selfish part of my mind wants you to stay. of course i want you to, ive never met anyone like you, and i never will again… but the larger part of my mind really does want whats best for you. i dont know if anything i say will change your decision. i just want you to do the right thing for you, and i dont want you regretting your decision at any point in your life. because really.. i think either choice will make a big difference. mostly to you, but to me, too. but this really isnt about me, thats the point im trying to make here… but they are very different options. im not trying to put the pressure on you, not at all. take as much time in deciding as you are allowed. i just.. i dont want you making a decision that you doubt, or that you know youre going to regret, or anything like that. i guess i cant imagine how difficult this is for you, because i had it fairly easy. and i dont even want to stay near anybody i know now. xD except for you… and michelle of course. but i made my decision before we were even dating. :P BUT THATS NOT THE POINT. why do i keep talking about myself? XD how obnoxious. maybe the selfish part of my mind wants to distract the main part. xP naw. but seriously. i have no say in your decision. i dont know how your mind works. i think youd do well in either school, but thats all im saying. please, please! i do not want you to regret. whatever youre choice is, as long as you choose it based on what you want, will make me very, very happy. i just want you to have a good life zac.. i want you to be happy. thats all i want.
detached.
[ Posted Mon, 11 Apr 2011 18:52:00 ]
nowadays, when someone is really upset - and by this i mean angry upset, not upset upset - i feel so far away. its like i am able to remove myself from the situation, and analyze how fucking ridiculous it all is. when my mother or father are yelling (at anyone, myself included), its like they are screaming about how stupid they are to me. most of the things they do do not make sense to me. the things they feel, the ideas they believe in, all seem so stupid to me. then again, what do i have to believe in? nothing. what is my reasoning for my actions or desires? nothing, really. for example, the classes i wish to take in college. i just want to take a bunch of classes that seem interesting. i just want to learn about stuff. i have no legitimate reasons for wanting to take classes that may seem random to my father, i probably wont apply much of that knowledge. i have no legitimate reasons (as would appear to my father, at least) to prioritize zac so much. but i dont care.
how do i get off topic so easily! XD it amuses me from time to time… but then its also annoying, because i forget all the things i was originally going to talk about. goddammit. xD
but, anyways. i just wanted to say, that im chill. and i dont even need weed. :P i dont even care what my parents are talking about half the time. because it doesnt matter.. BUT THEN WHAT DOES MATTER. i dont want to get into that again, because i always do, and i come up with the same answer.. i dont know, but it feels like nothing. but then if certain aspects of my current life just disappeared one day.. i would be sad. but what if they never existed in the first place? id never know what i was missing. would something else make me happy? why is happiness even so important to me! because what else am i going to do? being sad doesnt feel good. but living just to feel good doesnt sound good to me. i dont know why. why do i need something else? why cant i just accept that.. or why do i need anything at all? ah, this is something i care about on and off. sometimes it bothers me, sometimes it doesnt. eh, what am i doing.
Nocturnel Cynicism
[ Posted Mon, 11 Apr 2011 15:58:21 ]
thespaceindian:
The made-up diagnosis for what we both seem to have.. I'm sorry you have it too :(
I think, perhaps, it could be curable. or semi-curable, at least. the nights that we will spend together.. it will help. two negatives = a positive. i dont think i could be that depressed around you (of course, i could be wrong… well, i highly doubt it could happen frequently, at least). one day, one day! im tired of saying one day though, truthfully. i would like it to happen now.
i want you.
[ Posted Sun, 10 Apr 2011 23:07:15 ]
so much. its insane. i dont know what to do about it, and it freaks me out. it freaks me out letting you know that i like you so much that it freaks me out. fuck. especially when youre there, on the phone, but youre asleep. and then it just is like. an overload. of zac thoughts. and i dont know what to do with them. man, when all these thoughts are in my head, they sound a lot less dumb. maybe i just dont sound dumb when im not thinking about sounding dumb. what the fuck am i even talking about, see what you do… i dont even make sense… i cant even explain this! i dont even understand it anyways! fuck! and i think i keep forgetting that im dating you because i keep not believing it. isnt that lame as fuck? i am so retarded… its still unbelievable to me. maybe its because im so confused about everything else that i forget? i dont know, i hope that doesnt upset you, because its not your fault. im just realllly dumb. it just. it like. blows my fucking mind. i dont get it.. why..? why are you so nice to me now..? i swore i was irritating as fuck… what the hell.. what the hell am i gonna do.. what am i gonna do … this is just bad.. what do i do with this? agh.
to get my mind out of this rut, i wanted to quickly blog about hanging out with ariel, cause it was really fun. xD i think ariel is really funny, like just being with her is funny. xD and i feel so badass! XD is that horrible to admit? hahaa. i feel like, she wants to do all the things ive done. and i just feel like a badass! haa. but im really not that bad. xD but compared to ariel i am! haa. it was just so funny and exciting to say we were going to codys house, but really drive down the road and get cigarettes. xD haa. she said that i smoked like a pro. xP haa. cause she like, didnt get it? i dont understand how you dont get it, its so easy.. but she probably felt lame. xD although she shouldnt around me, because im not really a smoker.. i felt retarded when tyler offered me some of his cigarettes.. i felt so dumb. so i guess i know how she feels. :P didnt help that i made fun of her the whole time. XD hahaa. its so fun to make fun of ariel, she knows im kidding! but yeah, its just interesting to hang out with people i dont hang out with often. and its stupid, because i feel like im getting closer to people, and making more friends at the end of the year? which is dumb because im going to college. lamee. but ill be okay. XD i wanna START ANEW. i mean, i wanna keep some familiar things. like michelle and zac. :P haha ariel was saying how she feels like anyone who goes to randolph macon she wont see often.. i was like, well if zac goes to vcu ill probably see you more often than you expect! XD but yeh, i wanna just. BE FRESH. AND NEW. new room, new person to live with, new school, new classes, new way of learning, new people, new teachers, new food… new everything! im so damn excited! :D i just wanna get started. im also scared, but im only scared about failing in math. thats it. xD haaa. seriously though, im terrified. -.- i think im really dumb. and i dont wanna be. and it freaks me out… goddammit.
OFF TO NEVERLAND. just kidding, ima watch the hey arnold movie. :D
mmmmm
[ Posted Sun, 10 Apr 2011 00:26:24 ]
more fun than i expected.
im tired.
birthday party was pretttty sweet she loved my present and that made me happy. although i hate ellen, i finally beat her. and alison is stupid but i just paid her no attention. and anyone else that i disliked didnt talk to me, so it was all gooood. then donald, shane, hunter, and i went to brittanys and hung out. and we played her kinect, and it was pretty badass. well brittany and i just watched. XD because we didnt want to play, because they were better than us at it.. but it was fun. i dont really mind donald. i dont like how he treats shelby, but if i dont think about that, hes pretty fun to hang out with. i havent really hung out with people in awhile, so it was nice. id still rather be with zac or michelle but. :P thats impossible! ha.
mmm. i just want to curl up next to you and sleep. instead, im talking to brandon on facebook. the one thats in china. and im annoyed, cause i want you. not him. ugh. come herreee my dearest. i feel like i need you more and more, each night i dont get to sleep next to you. its gonna be too much one day…
you're my best friend, patrick (;
[ Posted Sun, 10 Apr 2011 00:15:00 ]
http://www.interrobangstudios.com/potluck/index.php?strip_id=971
Tagged with: (:, submission
Such a relaxing night ^~^
[ Posted Sat, 09 Apr 2011 11:49:00 ]
:D
Tagged with: (:
MY MOUTH/JAW HURTS
[ Posted Fri, 08 Apr 2011 21:42:15 ]
AND I DONT KNOW WHY.
WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME
when you surprised me at lunch today, i was so happy! :D
[ Posted Wed, 06 Apr 2011 22:33:00 ]
Tagged with: (:
nurmaaablehh
[ Posted Wed, 06 Apr 2011 22:30:00 ]
i just wanted to say, that my father, my frustration at not being able to draw, my headache, and my dislike of showers do not negate the fact that today was a ‘happy day’. when you asked why today was a ‘happy day’… well why shouldnt it be? you make me happy, and i make you happy, so why shouldnt every day be a happy day? whatever i was doing that made you so happy, i was probably doing most of those things because you make me so happy. i get all excited and giggly and hyper and cuddly when you make me especially happy… i mean, come on. i did all that before you even liked me, minus the touching and cuddling. you think anything is going to change? well yeah i mean, in a positive sense. because now you make me even more happy than you made me then! how you continuously do it blows my mind. i cant even describe it. see, with the few words you use, you describe things so much better than i do! and i use like a million, because i dont think much before i type, i just type while im thinking, it just all flows. ‘stream of consciousness’. and im constantly struggling to find the words to describe my feelings, and it just doesnt work.
thats why, when i read things i wrote, i never like it. i hear what it sounds like, and thats not what i meant. then everyone else thinks i meant something i didnt.. although thats not the issue. the issue is myself… when i go back and read something, i want to remember how i felt. not get annoyed because i sound like a dramatic four year old. i envy your skills, i really do. i envy my cousin garrett’s skills especially, he is so wonderful at english! something ive never, ever been good at! and to think, i wanted to be an author when i was younger! ha!
i also greatly enjoy when you type up things on your space indian tumblr. doesnt matter what its about, i love reading it. love love love. especially when its not about me - okay, i love hearing about me too, but its more interesting to read about other things in your life, because i dont know about them.. i know about me. i dont know about all those other things, because you dont talk or type as much as i do. :P so thank you, thank you! i cant wait to learn more!
Tagged with: (:
arg
[ Posted Wed, 06 Apr 2011 21:37:19 ]
i have a headache, and i dont like it. my head is ouchie.
my dad annoyed me today. he said i was procrastinating on stuff i needed to do. i was drawing something to paint. that sounds pretty productive to me, more so than what im usually doing. how much time did i spend on the computer today? not much. i read a book, and i drew stuff to paint, and i even painted a bit. how is that procrastinating, when im being productive, and not lazy for once? how is spending time making something frowned upon? i understand when i really am doing nothing and wasting time, but i wasnt today. and that really bothered me that you said that. so i didnt want to watch a movie with you. not that i would have anyways, i dont like watching movies. what dont you guys understand? its not that i dont like watching movies with YOU. it has nothing to do with you. i apparently dont enjoy movies as much as most people do. i like hayao miyazaki movies, and other animated films, and star wars, and a few others, and thats about it. im picky. you know that. ive told you a million times. stop acting all offended and like ive done something wrong. jeez.
i need my beanstalk’s cold hands on my face. on my forehead. nowww.
i dont want to take a shower. but i should. fuck.
tired.
[ Posted Tue, 05 Apr 2011 22:35:31 ]
i have no idea why though.. XD
patrick and i were talking about this tumblr today, and he was like. its pretty much just like. ahhh complain complain complain, i dont like this blah blah im so upset oh but by the way this makes me happy and zac wooo! i was like.. yup xD thats pretty much it.
which is why my actual blog is very private. which is why michelle and hunter like hated me for awhile. because im annoying in my blogs. because all i do is complain and be dramatic. and talk about boys. thats basically it. i know this. and its because the only time i want to blog is if im all mad and need to get it out. or all upset. when im in better moods, i dont feel the need as much. sometimes i do now, because i want zac to read it. i want him to read how he makes me feel. ive gotten into a habit of posting on this instead of my actual blog, and im not sure if its good or bad. i really do talk about negative things too often, perhaps thats why when i reflect on my past i dont remember much that was positive. ive always wished that i could see the positive things more strongly than the negative, but thats never been the case with my mind. im getting better at it, steadily. i dont think ill ever be really good at it, but if i keep trying i think ill be alright. like ive said before, im sick of being depressed. im sick of my mind thinking negatively all the time, too.
its like.. most of the things i blog about, encompass my feelings RIGHT at that moment. its a ‘NOW’ type thing. and i change my feelings so rapidly, ive noticed two posts in a row before, barely twenty minutes in between, containing completely opposite feelings. what a girl i am! a teenage girl, thats all!
therefore, im sorry. i probably dont even have to say all this, because i assume that you know how i blog by now. im pretty sure you understand it, at least a bit. i want it in my actual blog too though, because ive had it for so long, and it contains everything.. it contains everything! besides my journals, i havent written anywhere else. but ive gotten in the habit of writing on here.. because i want you to know everything. because you dont get mad when i get upset. because you dont get annoyed when im dramatically depressed. because you somehow accept it all as if thats how im supposed to be, or because thats how i am… and i dont think anyone has done that before. so, im motivated to tell you everything. im not afraid of your reaction, like i have been of others. and you always make me feel better, even if you dont know it, even if you arent trying. i think of the song ‘apple blossom’ when i think about all of this. i dont think i would have thought of it so much, if you didnt make a post of it directed towards me, though. its nice. youre nice.. youre much more than nice. and now i dont know what to do… i would love to be with you right now.
when shelby and i were talking today, i said to her; “ive never met anyone like him before… shelby, what am i going to do?”
whaaat.
im screaming.
[ Posted Mon, 04 Apr 2011 18:17:39 ]
nobodys home, so i can.
im so fucking pathetic. how am i going to be a housewife? what kind of person cant even make an angel food cake? all you do is add water. what the fuck kind of pathetic excuse for a future wife could do that? i cant stand myself. how can one simply want to be a mother and a wife, and not be able to do anything. im such a child. when will i ever grow up? do i want to? why do i want a family, how do i expect to produce a good family, when everyone elses is broken? what am i going to do? will the many depressing thoughts i have ever stop floating through my mind? what is normal. goddammit. i dont know what to do.
derp.
[ Posted Sun, 03 Apr 2011 16:37:14 ]
haha too bad for patrick and nathan. :P
i know i shouldnt dwell on them.. it just makes me upset. that people are really like that. that everyone is really like that. and it doesnt hit me often, like that, until i see it all at once. the people that i hang out with arent like that as much as most people are.. or maybe they just dont talk about such things, or do such things with me because they know i think its all stupid. XD but yeah. i dont generally get so upset about it, because i know im not, or at least im not most of the time, for some things… but yeh. thank you. i feel the need to apologize for everything, its another bad habit. xD especially to someone that i only want to cause positive emotions for… i always feel like ive done something wrong XD
i figured you wouldnt really care. xD i think its so funny. xD haha. i am so glad that you are the way you are .. ha?! XD because we can laugh, and be chill about it. i cant take these things seriously half the time anyways.. i am glad you decided to do it early though. xD so we can get the first awkward-lame times out of the way. haa. so by the time we go to the beach, well be like pros. ;P hahaaa. well figure all this stuff out eventually. xP
GO TIME
[ Posted Sun, 03 Apr 2011 09:41:00 ]
first of all, im sorry i made you spend thirty dollars on something you didnt really want to go to. im sorry i didnt really do much there except be bitter about everyone else there. looks like i hate everyone, all the time now. i cant even help it, it makes me wanna scream. i still enjoyed being with you, i didnt have a bad time. i dont know what id do without you. i almost cried when i saw all the handicapped kids dancing the same as everyone else. they dont know any different.. they do that because they saw everyone else doing it.. it made me so sad.. i guess i get that from my mom, i cant help it. thank you, thank you, thank you. i really can never thank you enough.. i mean, if you werent there, i wouldnt have had a good time at all. xD im happy you came with me, thank you.
my dad keeps coming in here, ima murder him.
alright, so heres the second thing… XD im really sorry if it was disappointing. i know it was frustrating. i was getting upset because i knew you were getting frustrated. xD and there was nothing to do about it. i guess i forgot that not doing it for three years nearly makes you a virgin again. xP i think it took longer to start it then the actual act took.. xD “I also needed somebody quite experienced to make up for my lack of it” yeah, about that… xD perhaps im experienced in everything but doing it. haa. im also sorry it hurt so much. i didnt know it would be like that, it wasnt before. but it had to be done… haa. i told you the first time wouldnt be the greatest. i hope you didnt expect it to..i mean i dont think you did, but i really hope you werent too disappointed. i mean, i only was in myself, although it wasnt really my fault that im so little. :P still, i felt bad. so im sorry, again. also, honey. honey, you cant expect me to ‘go’ like you go. its not that easy for girls, dont you know? xD havent you read about these things? haa. i didnt even know that girls could until i read about it. they cant go that quickly, they cant even go as quickly as most boys. but dont worry about it (even though i know youre going to). xD i honestly dont mind. i perfectly fine with just doing it. haa. believe me, when it doesnt hurt anymore, ill feel plenty good. :P
despite all the frustration and such, i am very happy. ^-^ im happy because it was you. you you you! i wouldnt have wanted that with anyone else. so thank you, thank you again! and you know, we can only improve! (; we can only get better! ;D wooo! go time!
waiting.
[ Posted Sat, 02 Apr 2011 14:45:43 ]
im harsh because its about something that matters to me. the small things we do with each other in art class, and even english, are all important. there are no negative meanings to them. its not even about being physical… i suppose i cant explain it. im trying to put how i feel into words, and its not working. of course the things we do are physical, how could you call touching and kissing anything else? but its not about being physical.. oh, how do i say this?! i want to say something about connecting, but that sounds kinda lame and not what i want to say… i dont know, i think you understand, if not in my way, in your own way. we both understand that its not all that it looks like to the outside eye, i suppose. i give up xD still, im also harsh because i think theyre jealous. :P i know casey is, for sure. XD i dont know if britni is, but she did used to like you. and even if i liked someone and stopped liking them, id still get a tad jealous if they talked to another girl or dated one or something. and i just wanna kill valerie so. xD especially after patrick called her cute? what the fuck. she. is. not. cute. if you think so, dont ever tell me that. XD because i do not want to hear it. XD im also harsh cause im a bitch and dont like girls, but you know. xP im sorry. but i thank you for dealing with it so well, and not calling me a crazy bitch girl that gets upset for no reason -points to jayson-.
and ! they are like the smallest kisses ever. i dont think they arent school appropriate. :P WE CAN DO WHAT WE WANT DDAAAMMMMIT XD
idk what to do. xD i want to see you, i want to go to pad thai, i wanna be all cute with you, i wanna dance even though i ache from last night. i wanna spend the whole night with you! 12:30! weve never hung out so late before! :D its exciting, im excited! and theres nothing to do but wait! dammmn.
randolph macon was pretty legit. i talked to this math professor, and an asian math major, and idk.. i think math might be what im going to do. :D they have loads of awesome math classes, and super great teachers, although its a small school. and i might study abroad in england for a math history class, that you have to prove things using just what they had back then, so you cant use anything modern! it sounds so fun! difficult, but fun. the math major was so enthusiastic, he was like its so crazy! and im like OMG I KNOW ! XD and so was the professor! and so now im like. really excited. xD and i really hope i can pass the AP calc test with a 4 because i want to jump right into calc II my first semester! and also, i talked to the art guy about painting classes, and even though i said i havent really painted much, he said he was the guy to go to! and he said they paint outside sometimes, like impressionists (after i told him about my ‘impressionalist painting. he found it amusing i called them impressionalists.. but i felt dumb. xD ). and they mostly use oil paints! and hopefully, ill get good at painting! :D it will be like one of my elective classes, probably just painting classes and drama. i may take like music theory, but im not sure yet. cause im really bad at it. xD and its really hard… BUT IM SO EXCITED FOR COLLEGE! i made my daddy buy me two shirts and a bag that were on sale. xD and i bought a belt and socks! SO NOW IM READY >D im so glad the colors are yellow (well, lemon) and black, because i fucking love yellow and black goes with everything. and it matches vcu, so ill match all my friends XD haaa. but thats not why. im just saying. :P and i like the little yellow jacket, hes fun… IM GONNA HAVE SO MUCH SCHOOL SPIRIT. I DONT CARE IF THATS LAME. I LIKE MY COLLEGE. xD WOOOOOOOOOOOO COLLEGE KID RIGHT HEREEEEE
i make no sense.
[ Posted Fri, 01 Apr 2011 14:40:55 ]
sometimes, its really weird. because my mind gets set backwards. like, 3 months backwards. and ill think that zac isnt my boyfriend. and i get really confused when i realize he is. because it makes no sense. but it does make sense, because its true? but i like doubt it, and think it isnt true or something? i have no fucking idea, i cant explain it. but its really fucking weird. maybe i just dont understand something. i . i have no idea. i make no sense.
dont wanna write an ecology paper.
[ Posted Thu, 31 Mar 2011 22:13:04 ]
do want to snuggle and fall asleep with you.
you know what.
[ Posted Thu, 31 Mar 2011 17:22:43 ]
i can do what i fucking want to. im going to do what makes me happy. if i want to be clingy and touchy to my boyfriend, i can be. im not sorry. i will not stop. i do not care what you think, or want. i get to see him for an hour and a half every day. hes not allowed to hang out on weekdays. and we dont get much alone time. so i will do what i want. hes adorable. he makes me happy. im drawn to him, i cant help myself. i want to touch his soft skin, put my face on his freckled one. im sorry you dont understand. i wish i could get you to. youre the only tolerable girl in that class, britni. but no, i do not have to stop. i will not stop. and shut the fuck up valerie, nobody asked you. youre face is gross. i dont care if you agree. if zac really didnt want me to do all that, hed tell me to stop. i dont think i get out of hand. i dont think its too much. you need to get over yourselves and stop looking, if it really bothers you that much. when i see couples doing similar things, i dont tell them they need to stop. because they dont need to. theyre young, were young. we need to do things that make us happy, even if they are small things. those small moments in art class make me happy. i dont plan on having anyone ruin them. so everyone just needs to get the fuck over it. because it makes me annoyed, and i dont want to be annoyed, i want to be happy with zac. but whatever, i simply wont listen to you. and hopefully zac wont either. i hope you all dont get to him, because i know the things i do make him happy. he giggles. (: and its cute! mmm!
fowler has a heart.
[ Posted Thu, 31 Mar 2011 17:08:00 ]
i enjoy talking to people i barely knew, people that i once though disliked me. it makes me happy when people open up to me, i feel special, i love hearing things about them, and i like listening. fowler has been pretty nice to me. its weird, because i really thought he disliked me. now the only time hes mean is when hes kidding. we even talk like normal human beings now. :P he was telling me how he was happy, with julia, and she was his longest girlfriend in awhile, even though it was only two months. he said he used to be ‘bad’. and he usually dated people for a few weeks. i asked him was his longest relationship really was, and he said it was a painful memory. eventually, he told me how he dated someone for like 6 months, and she cheated on him, but he stayed with her still, but she kept doing it so then he was done. he didnt tell it dramatically, or like he wanted pity, just kept to the facts. i told him at least he feels pain, feels something, and doesnt just not care after dating someone for over a year, and over 9 months.
i cant decide whats worse. since ive never been hurt. isnt that odd? that id like to feel love and compassion, even if its assumed to end in pain and sadness? id like to feel it all, rather than not care, i think.
and so i decided that he is actually a person, and not a stupid IB boy like the rest of them. im glad that we can be friends now. also kyle brent. we bonded over oliver, somehow, by simply playing would you rather while the kids were on stage. youd be suprised how much you can find out about someone from that game..
MY STOMACH HURTS, AND I AM LONELY
[ Posted Wed, 30 Mar 2011 23:22:13 ]
Two months..
[ Posted Tue, 29 Mar 2011 22:01:00 ]
thespaceindian:
means next to nothing to me.
It is just segment of time, so that others can judge our relationship without knowing the inner workings that only we can know. Others will see us as another ...steady couple“ and that's fine that they think that. I, however, see us as one of the happiest and closest couples around. Two months is what has passed, but two hearts is what we are and will be for much longer. Here's to the indefinite succession of time that we will spend together :)
i just liked this. so i wanted it on my blog too. (:
Tagged with: (:
I THINK LIFE IS GREAT
[ Posted Tue, 29 Mar 2011 19:07:00 ]
IM DONE WITH THE TOP OF MY PROM DRESS AND ZAC IS SUPER COOOOOL. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I DONT CARE THAT I HAVE HOMEWORK WOOOOOOOOOO
I WANNA GET TOMS AND PAINT THEM WOOOOOOOOO BUT MY DADS A JERK! OH WELL. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I LIKE YOU. I REALLY FUCKING LIKE YOU.
GODDAMMIT.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Tagged with: (:
hurt.
[ Posted Mon, 28 Mar 2011 22:35:11 ]
my eyes hurt. my neck hurts. my back hurts.
and although im tired, and exhausted, and even slightly frustrated… all i can think of is how happy you make me. all i can think of, is how i yearn for you to be beside me. its a huge understatement to say its lame that we dont have enough time together, alone. i want you, all to myself. mine mine mine. i want to do whatever i want with you. which basically consists of laying and snuggling and spooning and sweet kisses. oh, how its unfair! i honestly dont know what i would do if you didnt feel the same as i do. i already feel like im going too far, im thinking about you too much, feeling too much. two months. thats all its been. how? how could i feel this way in only two months? i dont understand anything. come here, my darling. come here… i cant stand to look at your adorable face without you actually being in front of me. fuck. fuck! how i want you! every night! it just keeps getting worse and worse, and i dont know how to control it! goddammit.
whaaa
[ Posted Sun, 27 Mar 2011 19:08:53 ]
my back hurts so much. and so does my head. and im tired. i want to work on my dress, but i had to stop. it was giving me a headache. and trying to sew something not extremely simple when you rarely use a sewing machine and have practically never used a pattern is not the brightest idea. i wish i hadve started earlier, so i could enjoy it more and take my time. but you know, thats me for ya. procrastinator. i mean, im still enjoying it. but when im not very good at something, i get really upset. so, whatever.
youre silly. you wont interrupt me. if im doing something, i wont look at my phone, even if i hear it. (i actually have to force myself to keep working, because i want to look at my phone when i know its you, but im all like noooo, need to finish! ) you being there helps ease the frustration of me feeling really dumb and like i cant understand anything. so dont ever worry about that. :P
im so tired. i want fucking weed. XD it would make my headache go away. it would make me feel better.
i want to leave. i feel so close to leaving. and i cant yet. and its not fair. i dont want to do anything. well, its not exactly that im lazy. well okay, i admit i am a little lazy. but im only lazy because thats how the world defines what i feel. just because i dont want to do things like work. or do something that ‘actually means something’. i want to do what i want to do. i want to lay in bed with my dear boy. i want to paint. i want to read about han solo and harry potter. i want to do drugs. i want to be with people i actually like. i dont know what the point is to living, if im not going to have fun. if im not going to be happy. i dont understand why other people are living, i dont understand what drives them. i have nothing. no faith. no nothing. when i die, im dead. thats what i think. nothing after that. it just all ends. i want it to end. it should end. and so, why do i live? well, i dont know. but i want to be happy. and that is what i know. because im so fucking sick of being unhappy! im so sick of being depressed all the time. ive gotten a taste of happiness, and i dont want it to ever go away. so why is it so wrong to be happy? why is it so wrong to not want to do what everyone else does? how does no one see it! so many things that people do make them unhappy. why do they do them? because they feel like they have to. i do not feel like i have to. i dont want to do things that make me unhappy. i dont care if they have benefits. like driving, for example. driving makes me upset, it makes me frustrated and unhappy. therefore, i do not do it. i dont care if it would help me get places, its not worth it to me. its not like i could just leave anyways. yeah, yeah. lifes unfair. you have to do things in life that you dont like doing. but why? why do i have to? if i dont want to, why should i? i dont know what i am. am i just a spoiled brat who doesnt want to do anything? who doesnt want to listen to anybody? i dont think its just that. but who knows. fuck.
goddammit. i bet none of that even makes sense. why cant i ever explain whats going on in my mind?
SOMEBODY BUY ME A PAIR OF TOMS GODDAMMIT
[ Posted Sun, 27 Mar 2011 11:04:31 ]
I Can't See You, but I Know You're Still There.
[ Posted Sun, 27 Mar 2011 10:51:00 ]
thespaceindian:
is what I'm learning on guitar :)
THAT MAKES ME EXCITEDDDD :D :D :D
Tagged with: (:
still exhausted.
[ Posted Wed, 23 Mar 2011 20:49:00 ]
i still dont care about my math test. maybe now because im blaming fowler. goddammit. i should have just been like fuck you fowler, i have to do math. but i didnt want to. XD oh well. im going to look over my notes, but i am so damn tired, so damn exhausted. i dont care.
today, i cried when i was laying my head on your shoulder/chest, and then you laid your head on mine. i dont know why, i dont know if it was perhaps just my eyes watering from looking at the screen but. i was confused by it. maybe i was unconsciously reminded of something. i have no idea. i just thought id share, because i share everything. does that strike you as odd? i cant help it. i want you to know everything.
i. am. exhausted. it is nights like these that i would like nothing more than to be with you. i would lay my head on your chest, close my eyes, and go to sleep with your warm body next to me, your warm hands around me, your warm lips on my forehead, my cheek, my lips, anywhere. how i yearn for you!
it was necessary to make a different post.
[ Posted Tue, 22 Mar 2011 20:55:00 ]
one of my very favorite things, is when i dont see you, and you come up behind me and wrap your long arms around me. i am completely yours. that is precisely how i feel: completely yours. your warm chest on my back, your soft, warm lips touching my neck; the feeling is utterly wonderful. i am all yours. i feel so completely attached to you, it scares me. thank you.
Tagged with: (:
procrastinator.
[ Posted Tue, 22 Mar 2011 20:48:34 ]
this is one of the very few times that i wish i didnt procrastinate. not because im going to get a bad grade because of it, but because i am so fucking tired, i could close my eyes and fall asleep at my computer right here. my throat hurts so bad from singing so much, im terrified i wont have a voice tomorrow. i think i wont speak at all. my headache has come back. i really, really, really do not want to do my french IA. but i at least have to do some.. because right now i have nothing. and i cant go in there with nothing, no matter how much i dont care. but im so tired! i wish i could wake up early and do it, but the problem with that is i dont know how much time i would need to do it. i might do nearly all of it and then wake up at like 6 to do the rest.. but i do need to do something. i honestly could care less about my math test tomorrow though.. ill probably look over my notes in the morning, but theres no way im going to pass that with a good grade, a grade that will keep my overall grade a B. but i honestly do not give a fuck. i am so tired.. so tired! so exhausted! i could cry. in fact, i want to. but only if you were here. im so exhausted, that i just want to hold you, and cry into your chest, into your shoulder, i want your warm face next to mine, your warm body… because all that would make me feel better. i dont know why, but i always feel like crying when im so tired but cant go to sleep. and i have a headache. and that makes everything worse. plus i have to be on the computer, which makes my headache worse. oh, how i need you!
sodhfndbvksdxv
[ Posted Mon, 21 Mar 2011 22:11:01 ]
i didnt want a comprehensible title.
i need somewhere to complain. i chose here.
I AM ANNOYED. ERYNS MOM IS MAKING HER PROM DRESS. SHE LIKE STOLE MY IDEA, CEPT SHES TOO LAME TO DO IT HERSELF, AND SO HER MOM IS. LAME LAME LAME. IT BOTHERS ME.
now that thats done!
i hate french!
im on a roll with this complaining.
i dont really like my stomach! or my stupid ‘love handles’! its because i fucking eat at night, even though i tell myself not to! stupid stupid stupid! i want them to fucking go away before i do it! i dont care that you dont care! it bothers me and i dont know why! i think its because im a stupid girl. stupid stupid! its not fair! goddammit! god fucking dammit, they frustrate me! they wont go away! fuck!
more, more!
I HATE FUCKING FRENCH. JE DETESTE LA CLASS DE FRANCAIS BI BEAUCOUP. JE DETESTE LA PROGRAMME DE BI. MERDE.
its annoying that i dont cry about normal people crying things, but i do about stupid shit!
i like the play were reading in english! but i hate everyone in our class who is fucking retarded!
i couldnt remember one of my lines in oliver today! STUPID.
I FUCKING WANT YOU. GET. OVER. HERE.
I HATE MATH CLASS WITH A PASSION. I WANT TO MURDER MRS RITTENHOUSE. I WANT TO DESTROY MY GRADE. BECAUSE IT ISNT GOOD. FUCK.
mmm. im glad youre calling me soon. too much rehearsal. no time to do what needs to be done. im all worn out too, but i need to do at least some french. since i have to have it all done tomorrow. oh, my dearest zac. thank goodness i have you!
want.
[ Posted Sun, 20 Mar 2011 19:29:04 ]
i have wanted you so insanely much this weekend. its been intense. and im so tired right now, and my back and my neck ache, i just want to lay down in my bed with you, and ill feel all better. im so tired! and i seem to have a one-track mind; i want zac, i want zac, i want zac. mmm how wonderful that would be!
im tired of all the yelling and anger. i dont want to even hear it. its so unnecessary. with you, theres none of that. it all disappears. oh, cant i just be with you, all the time? how easily my problems would be solved!
i am so tired. all i want is you.
i cant believe myself
[ Posted Sat, 19 Mar 2011 22:18:00 ]
when i have something so good, right in front of me. and all i do, is mope around, and be all depressed and negative and shit, as if i dont appreciate everything you do for me. im sorry. i dont want you to be unhappy just because im an unhappy type of person. i dont want to be selfish. i dont want to be unappreciative. so thank you again, for being such a kind and positive person when i am so clearly not. thank you, thank you. every minute away from you makes me want to be with you even more. youre so wonderful to me. youre so soft.. i love when our faces are so close together, when our bodies are so close together. i miss you. anyone else might think thats pathetic. but it isnt. youre too wonderful not to miss, my dear.
goddammit,
[ Posted Sat, 19 Mar 2011 20:30:42 ]
i hate everyone. xD
STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO.
[ Posted Sat, 19 Mar 2011 20:10:05 ]
ITS SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING. because im so close. im so damn close to freedom. zac is so close to freedom. but im not there yet. and its not fucking fair. i should be free when im 18. how come that gets to happen for nearly everyone else and not me? how come i still have someone breathing down my neck and frustrating me so much that i cant stand it. that i just want to scream, and i fear im going to explode at any moment. but i cant explode. because i didnt get to see zac this weekend, and i have to see him next weekend, i cant get that taken away from me. fuck. i cant stand this. i just want to leave. i almost exploded on the phone today, when my mom and dad were telling me i had to be home by 7. what the hell, why? why do i have to be home by 7? i fucking cleaned already and shit. what the hell am i gonna do when i get home? NOTHING. im going to sit on the computer, im going to lay in my bed. AND DO NOTHING. but be fucking frustrated and unhappy. GREAT. JUST TAKE AWAY MY HAPPINESS, YOU KNOW. take away my freedom! tell me what to do and force me to come home to do NOTHING. because that makes so much fucking sense! COOL GUYS. COOL. SO. FUCKING. COOL.
IM SUCH A FUCKING BRAT. GODDAMMIT. I HATE MYSELF
When you hug a boy and he hugs tighter.
[ Posted Sat, 19 Mar 2011 19:53:00 ]
Tagged with: (:
im a fucking prophet!
[ Posted Sat, 19 Mar 2011 19:38:50 ]
so last night, i had this dream. i cant control my dreams… anyways, i wrote this like. thing. and it was to the tune of an oliver! song, but i cant remember which one. and it was about how much i hate libbie, and ive never liked her, and how everyone loves her and shes not even that fucking great and shes not funny at all and everyone laughs everytime she opens her horse mouth. and something about her having hairy arms and being a ball hog when we played soccer. i cant remember any more details, but thats basically what it said. and it was like publicized? but idk where? but like… other people read it? and hunter (kusterer) replied or something and was all like omg i agree! i dont like her at all and shes really annoying, i dont know why so many people like her either, you are so right! and that made me feel better. and then shelby and i were in my room, dancing to oliver songs? and libbie came out of nowhere and like layed on my bed and i got really mad but didnt say anything, and then she just left. and shelby was being kind of mean to her. XD and then i had another dream about like this play of code geass, my favorite anime, and i was mad cause i didnt have any lines in it, and mrs facemire was being a bitch. but thats all i remember…
anyways, today i was saying something to hunter about before i was dating zac, and i was all like yeah, he liked libbie and stuff, so he didnt like me, and michelle was like yeah he was like obsessed with her . and hunter was like what? what the hell? libbies so fucking annoying and like. who the fuck would like libbie over you? like seriously, who would do that? you are way better and not annoying and you actually dgaf like libbie just pretends to dgaf but she really does care. xD and i was just like, you make me feel so awesome. xD and he was all like, yeah i dont even know why so many people like her, shes not even funny or anything. and i just thought OMG MY DREAM CAME TRUE. XD i thought it was funny. i thought it was fucking awesome. XD sorry. haaa.
i hope
[ Posted Sat, 19 Mar 2011 12:13:40 ]
my dad doesnt read your tumblr. xD it happens to be a habit of mine to click -new tab- everytime i hear someone come into the room. because my parents also have a habit to look and try and read what im typing, read what im reading, watch what im doing. so i click new tab, and stubbornly wait for them to leave before clicking whatever i was on before. google chrome does this thing where you can stick websites on your -new tab- thing, instead of just having a blank white screen. and so i have a few, like, the creative blog, michelles tumblr, both your tumblrs, and both my tumblrs. and it shows a picture of the website. usually its okay, because any writing, even the titles, are too small to see from the thumbnails. but he saw the picture of me on your space indian thing, and thought it was mine. and i basically wouldnt tell him anything. but i think he assumes its mine. i mean, i suppose its my fault, for being dumb and putting them there, but its so convenient. xD
HE WONT GO AWAY I CANT FINISH THIS BYE
when i wake up,
[ Posted Sat, 19 Mar 2011 11:29:08 ]
and my room is not cold, that is the first sign of a good day. so far, the only ‘bad’ thing that has happened was when my dad came in my room and i was still in bed. it freaks me out. i dont know why. ive talked to michelle about this. it isnt the fact that i dont want to get up, so i dont want him coming in my room. its the fact that its weird. it makes me uncomfortable. i dont mind if ena or my mom come in my room when im in bed, so it obviously has to do with the fact that hes a guy. a man. and it freaks me out. michelle feels the same way about her dad, and im happy im not alone, and like a freak or something. i feel like if you are a father, and you have a daughter, there are just some things you cant do, when your daughter reaches a certain age. because its creepy. and it freaks me out. i think its gross. especially since i think that thing about my dad and college girls.. michelle brought up the point that fathers must have thought the mother was really attractive, and they probably think that they, themselves, are attractive, and since offspring will have characteristics of both, of course they would find their daughters attractive. and theres no way she could be wrong, thats so logical. xD and IT FREAKS ME OUT.
but otherwise! wonderful! i got up once, to turn off my christmas tree lights and to turn on my fan! i love when i have to turn on my fan. its so nice! and i just thought of how nice today was going to be! and i just thought of how wonderful zac is! and how silly he looks in that picture he just sent me ;D NEKKKID. so cute. i wanna huggle that soft body! the only thing that would make this day better is if freaking drew would do what hes supposed to! XD and of course, if i could see my darling! but since i know that isnt going to happen.. xD im very happy youre being so positive again! it makes me happy. :D but if thats really not how you feel, you better not just be saying that! xP i wanttt youuuu. (: mmmm.
i hope you will have a good day today! (:
only reason i like texting.
[ Posted Fri, 18 Mar 2011 22:47:06 ]
no one can tell how youre really feeling! you could pretend to be angry, while really youre dancing and singing. you could pretend to be excited, when really youre bored and sleepy. you could pretend youre interested, when really you dont care. you could pretend to be happy, and carry a normal conversation, when really youre screaming and sobbing into the night sky while swinging.
how lovely indeed!
tonight has not been my night. what a disappointing end to a wonderful, happy day. maybe thats just it with me. too much happy, and it just doesnt work. my mind just doesnt seem to like it. doesnt seem to fucking agree. doesnt seem to want to let me.
i dont know anyone thats happy. i dont know any adults that are happy. i dont know many parents who seem to want their kids to be happy. i dont know many kids who actually like their parents. and so i questioned today, why i would even want to fucking live. is experiencing some good things really worth it? why am i even doing this? im not saying i want to kill myself or anything. these are just things that i think about, things that make me depressed. like . honestly, things like this happened like every day, or every other day until you. now perhaps it happens once a week. i cant even explain myself, i cant even explain the multitude of my feelings, because i just sound like a dramatic retard.
theres also so many random things that upset me, that i cant even . i cant even share. because they are so fucking stupid. and i dont care what you say . because even i think they are stupid. anyone would. its not even worth it, but i cant help it. i dont know why. sometimes its frustrating. only the stuff dealing with girls, really. those are the feelings i really cant stand feeling. anything else, id rather not feel, but at least its a tiny bit legit.
whatever. im sorry. thats all i can really say, and i mean it. im sorry. im sorry you have to have such a fucking downer, such a fucking negative force standing right next to you. when all you radiate is happiness. i cant stand myself. im so sorry.
its all about pulling the shirt.
[ Posted Thu, 17 Mar 2011 21:19:15 ]
(;
im tired. and i ache. too much rehearsal and dancing and singing and hosting and singing and acting. wouldnt it be wonderful to go home to someone, who you could just fall into their arms, and rest. i think it would be so peaceful. i want to be that wife. when my husband comes home from work, i want him to fall into my arms, and i want to cheer him up, make him happy, make him feel good, get rid of the stress, to find peacefulness. and i would be happy if he did the same for me. i dont know, right now all i can think is happy thoughts for the future! what a difference that makes! to be able to think in a different way than just negatively all the time! oh, how i thank you! how i thank you for bringing me out of my rut!
im sorry i worried you last night, by speaking in upset whispers. i was happy too, about you. i was whispering to you happy thoughts, too. my mind just has a tendency to turn everything around and create negative thoughts. but they were just about me. just worrying about myself, and my own thoughts. so do not worry at all! you havent done anything to make me upset! youve done too many good things! xD its too much, i dont know what to do with it! sometimes it freaks me out. XD its like im too happy, like im having too much fun, like you shouldnt be so nice and wonderful to me, you shouldnt say and do such wonderful things to me ! I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. XD
its not the same
[ Posted Wed, 16 Mar 2011 22:19:51 ]
to be on tumblr without you. i am unmotivated.
and tired. and frustrated. stupid boobs. stupid me, losing the pattern. ive looked fucking everywhere. now im gonna look super retarded because i already suck at using the sewing machine. XD oh well. ima try still.
although, id rather be messing with the pattern and getting frustrated than be doing my french homework, which im about to do… something about french nowadays makes me really despise it.
deadd.
[ Posted Tue, 15 Mar 2011 20:38:44 ]
is it sad that i always click your tumblrs, as a habit? even though i know you cant have posted anything.
im slightly concerned because you havent texted me in a few hours. not freaking out or anything, just worried about you. i wonder what is going on with you, and if everything is alright. this isnt fair, it isnt right. i wish to save you. but i cant! how frustrating this is!
my stomach hurts so much. a lot of the time, it hurts when my emotions are like hajfbsdfhgbsikfesdn. goddammit.
i want to bring your mind away from the situation, take you completely out of it. i dont want you to think about it, because then you get all worked up. i want you to let it all out, i really do. but i also dont want you to feel terrible? a bit contradicting, huh. i only wish, you still had your tumblr, so you could rant. so you could let it all out, and feel good by doing so.
how i wish, how i wish! and so i ask the question to your mother again, how could you?
fuck,
[ Posted Mon, 14 Mar 2011 22:28:08 ]
i still cant do anything but sob.
look at your son! hes doing his homework, hes writing a fucking english paper even though he feels these horrible emotions because of you. hes still being a good student, still doing what hes supposed to. after all youve done to him.. how could you! oh, how could you? he is very affected by this, and yet he still does his homework. how could you call a son like that a failure? how could you?
Z.A.C.
[ Posted Mon, 14 Mar 2011 22:07:20 ]
HOLY SHIT I JUST REALIZED YOUR INITIALS ARE YOUR NAME. THATS INSANE.
i am freaking out. im worried, and im freaking out. i dont know what to do, and all i can think about is you. you you you. im so worried about you. and i cant do anything. i cant do anything, but sit here, and complain, and vent. just like i do about anything else. i cant help you, and so i cant focus. because you still feel the same as youve felt. for hours. you have felt this way for hours. possibly nearly half the day, for all i know. and what am i doing to help you? nothing, nothing at all. i dont know what to do! i dont know what to say! i want to fix it, i want to make it all better. i want to hold you in my arms, i want to heal you. what can i do, what can i do!? i cant think, i cant! i dont know, i never know! im so unhelpful, and im so, so sorry. you need someone. and im trying, but what can i do. what do you want me to do? i dont know. fuck, this is messed up. shes messed up for doing this to you. but pointing fingers wont help you now. what will, what will?! i keep searching my brain, im looking everywhere, and theres no solution. this is like the hardest math problem thats ever been thrown in front of me. and im going insane because i cant find the answer, and i need to, i need to. perhaps it doesnt seem like im trying, but i dont know what to say! i dont know what to say in these situations!
one day, this will all be behind us. dont worry, my darling. we will be free; you will be free. with or without me, you will be free. i assure you. i want to hold you, and tell you this in person. i want to be in your arms, i want you to be in mine. but honey, i assure you freedom. you will have it. you will be happy, we will be happy. this is nothing, you can get past this, i know you can. i know its difficult right now, but everything will be fine. more than fine. life will be fantastic. think of the beach, my dearest. think of the nights we will have together, think of the mornings we will wake up next to each other. we will be happier, theres no doubt about it. please, please, dont feel this way. its not worth it, shes not worth it. this will all be behind you, behind us! dont worry, dont worry! its k. its just high school!
WERE TEENAGERS
[ Posted Mon, 14 Mar 2011 21:40:50 ]
HOW COULD YOU EXPECT ANYTHING LESS.
i dont get it. i dont understand. he knows whats right and whats wrong. perhaps a little better than i do, but i get the gist of it. he is a good person. he is a kind person. BUT OH NO, HES HAPPY NOW, BETTER STOP HIM! HAPPINESS IS APPARENTLY A SIN.
am i getting carried away? i am, i am. now i dont want you to read this. i want to explode. i am exploding. and this is my outlet, this tumblr is where i vent, what i cant say to anyone else, but what still gets into zac’s mind.
im angry, im upset, my hormones are everywhere, what do you expect me to do? how can i sit around and do nothing, while someone i care about so immensely wants his head to collapse? you have done nothing but hurt him, how could you?!
ITS NOT ABOUT YOU. ITS NOT. HIS LIFE ISNT ABOUT YOU. ITS ABOUT HIM.
hes such a good person, ive never felt like i didnt deserve a boyfriend. but i feel like i dont deserve him. im sure you agree with me, HA!
at least he still believes in a god, right? let him believe what he fucking wants, hes nearly an adult! you cant control him! hes your son, and now youve pushed him as far away as you possibly can! is that really what you want? hes leaving soon, thank goodness! i dont know what i would do if he wasnt! youve kept him more caged up than my father has kept me. i cant even imagine how he feels like, i wouldnt be able to take it. youre lucky hes kept it all in, this entire time! do you understand how most kids are? do you understand how terrible they are? do you understand what a gift you have for a son? obviously not!
hes insanely intelligent. hes super creative. he knows how to stay on task, unlike me. sometimes its annoying, because then i feel like i have to stay on task, and i dont want to. ;P i cant understand how you couldnt be happy with a son like that. HES NEVER EVEN HAD SEX, WTF?! and he hasnt wanted to! he hasnt wanted to do anything remotely sexual, like, EVER. now, what kind of boy is that?! how could you not be proud of him!
alright, im going to stick up for myself here. yeah, i do drugs sometimes. yeah, i dont believe in god, and i dont have a religion. yeah, im not a prude. yeah, i cant stand how my father parents. yeah, i fucking curse. theyre words. thats all. words! i. am. a. teenager. i do what makes me happy. i dont often do things i find wrong. im not really a bad person. so ive hurt some people, so ive done things i shouldnt have. hasnt everybody? look, im fairly intelligent. one cant be stupid if they are ranked 28 out of 398. im not a slut! i never show too much skin, thats for sure! i just want to make zac happy. i want to make your son happy. you dont know what he means to me.. even i dont, hell, the thought scares me! and look what youve done! oh, hes not even talking to me right now! and im so worried, im going to burst! yes im dramatic, oh yes im an actor! thats right, i can sing! i can act!
but i dont care what you think. condemn me all you want! it wont change zac’s view of me! he doesnt wish that you think these things about me, but im okay with it. id be okay if my parents hated zac, too. theyve hated all my past boyfriends. hes the only one they really like! well, okay, my mom likes him, my dad only appreciates that hes intelligent.
how could you, though?! ill never understand, ill keep asking that question too! i can never get out all of my emotions, either! if only i could get you to understand! just let him be happy! let him! let him feel how good life can feel! i didnt even know until him! please, let us be! let us feel the bliss, the happiness again! youll be okay, hes a wonderful son! hes a wonderful person! how could you overlook it? please, please! i want him to be happy again, and soon, right now! please, ask him for forgiveness. because you were wrong. you did wrong. im sorry.
FUCK FUCKING LIFE.
[ Posted Mon, 14 Mar 2011 21:17:17 ]
FUCK IS A FUCKING WORD. I WOULDNT BE FEELING THIS WAY IF IT WERENT FOR YOU. HE WOULDNT BE FEELING THIS WAY. FUCK.
HOW CAN I DO MY ENGLISH COMMENTARY WHEN IM SO CONCERNED ABOUT HIM. WHEN I FEEL SO USELESS. SHIT. FUCK.
Tagged with: this is my anger
logged in.
[ Posted Mon, 14 Mar 2011 21:06:00 ]
i hope youre still logged in. i hope you read this. i dont want to upset you, i dont want to be rude. i dont think zac would like me doing this, but i dont care. i need to say something, or at least, i need to feel like i said something. if i can make a difference, its worth it. i hope i do not further upset you, that is not my aim. but you upset me. you upset your son, and he is very dear to me. i feel so useless, because he is so confused and angry, and i cant do anything about it. i feel so upset, because he is feeling these horrible emotions. do you understand how he feels? how you have betrayed and abandoned him?
look, im not a mother. im a teenager. i dont know how to raise kids, i dont know what it feels like to be a mother, yeah i know, ive heard it all. but i cannot imagine, cannot imagine what would drive a parent, a mother, to wish for her children to be anything but happy. do you want your child to be happy? do you want your eldest son to be happy? do you want him to love you, to love life? i do. i want him to enjoy every minute, every second of his life. if i can do anything to prevent him from feeling negative emotions, i will. why wouldnt you do the same? you gave birth to him, you created him with someone who i assume you love(d). dont you love your son? i love my sons, and they arent even alive yet. i love my daughters, and they arent even alive yet.
please take no offence to this. heck, im sure you wont even read this. but i need some outlet, i need to get this out. theres nothing else on my mind but how that wonderful boy is feeling right now, and i cant stand it, i cant take it! can you honestly say that even while reading his feelings, his thoughts, you still dont understand him in the least bit? how can you read all of his writing and still not get it? how can you sit there, and condemn? how could you cause so much misery on someone you should love? i cant fucking understand you! no, no. ill try and be more civil.. although im sure youll never like me after today! youll never even consider it! condemn condemn condemn!
wait, i must be mature. oh, but why? have you shown maturity? sneaking around, poking around, reading things that werent meant for you? betraying your son, invading his privacy every chance you get?! and you have no regrets. you feel no remorse! how can i understand you, woman! how could you not be ashamed of such an act?! how could you stand as if you were on a pedestal, and justify your actions?! you are not right. you are in the wrong.
Zac was so happy. I was so happy. ive never felt such a constant happiness before (at least, since ive been older), is that sad? how could you take this away? couldnt you see, how happy we were? couldnt you see, how great hes been feeling? why, oh why would you want to destroy that! you obviously dont know whats best for your child. hes not happy with you. you dont make him happy.
dammit, i got worked up again. im trying to be not so harsh about this, but its so difficult, its so difficult when i know that hes in a house with you, in his room, feeling so terrible, and its all your fault! it is, its your fault! youre wrong, you are so wrong!
i fucking knew this happiness, this bliss wouldnt last forever. but why did you have to ruin it so quickly? and how long is it going to take to get it back? what am i supposed to do, how am i supposed to help him? i cant, look what youve done! look what youve done to him!
you wont read this, i can just feel it! and if you do, youll hate me forever! but i dont care, i want it to make a difference! i want you to think about what youve done to him! what youve done to us! i want you to feel it, i want you to feel what hes feeling, i dont want him to be feeling it anymore! oh, how could you do this?! how could you?
hmmm/
[ Posted Sun, 13 Mar 2011 22:09:45 ]
i find myself irritated with the outside world. anytime i leave what michelle and i have, zac and i have, most other people are annoying. i have enjoyed this weekend to the fullest, and im kind of disappointed its over. rehearsal until 8 pm every night until the end of march does not sound very fun to me. being with those people so much, not fun . not being with with people i do like, not fun. having no time to do anything, not fun. i go on facebook, and ill browse around, and i just hate everyone . xD is that so terrible? i am so bothered by everyone, i just cant stand it. people people people. what did i do before zac? i really didnt like anyone. XD i just wanted to hang out with michelle. or do drugs. if it werent for zac, id be doin drugs left and right by now XD and thats really no way to live. yeah i like drugs. but i dont think people should just do them all the time. but i mean, i really had nothing else. xD i was bored. haa. and unhappy. drugs are interesting, and fun. but it sucks, because i am near the top of my own list. a whole lot of people irritate me insanely, but i am up there with them. i am constantly bothered by myself. bwah! here i am complaining again! i guess im just saying, that i basically have no life! HA!
who really knows.
[ Posted Sun, 13 Mar 2011 21:02:00 ]
i wish i wasnt so indecisive.
ever since i can remember, ive wanted to do things. ive wanted to try things, learn new things, the works. way back when, i was a little gymnast (id almost forgotten that one). i played tee-ball. i played the violin in 4th grade. got piano lessons sometime back then. i wanted to write stories, i wanted to write children’s books. played the clarinet in 6th grade. i wanted to draw, i wanted to create art. i wanted to make candles. i wanted to create simple computer games with Q Basic. at one point i wanted to learn how to fence. i wanted to learn how to play the drums. i wanted to get into a workout routine, i wanted to be healthy, active. i wanted to make music on the computer, using programs. i wanted to learn japanese. i wanted to write fanfiction. i wanted to create art with my tablet, like i saw people make for other people on the many forum-based avatar sites i used to practically live on. i wanted to learn korean (i wanted to sing in korean, but that was a secret!). and now, i want to paint.
the trouble is, ive given up on every single one of those above things. the trouble is, i have no motivation. i never have had it. i either lose interest, or i dont feel like doing it (laziness), or i simply am not good enough and its so frustrating i just stop. i cant stick with something. and its frustrating. because i want to paint. i dont have brushes. i dont have paint. i dont have anything to paint on. i want the type of paper you can paint on, i want to start with watercolors because im a newbie. i do have a few decent brushes, but i want smaller ones. and all my paint is shitty cept the ones that came with my easel. but those are only oil and acrylic, and i dont want to use those small tubes for practice, they should be saved. but i want to, i want to! the trouble is, i fear im going to give up again. i virtually know that i will. im not a very devoted type of person, to these types of things (dont worry honey, i am devoted to you! ;D you arent just a hobby… (; although i do want to do you…all the time! >D ahaha im so silly!. k)…
and i have the starts of ideas, maybe not very good ideas, but i want to see what happens if i paint, because i dont really like anything i draw. the thing is, im impatient. thats another reason i never continue anything. i get mad that im no good, and then stop. but that isnt how it works. people practice to get good at these things. ive always been frustrated that im no good at art, that im no good at being creative.. and i know its not all about practice, you have to also have skill, which i dont have much of.. but im thinking, maybe ill be able to paint better than i can draw, or do any other art things. since the two major things ive painted have been decent, perhaps i wont give up so easily this time. but i fear, oh i fear! i know myself, i know my patterns. and okay, to be honest, nearly the same thing happens with boys. but im not going to think about that now, because the subject never really comes up in my mind until night time.
this is a complete change of subject, but fuck. you really make me so happy, i dont know what to do. today at church, during the first part (idk what thats called, with the teenagers?), i mostly thought about painting, and what im going to paint, and what im going to need, and what ill start with. but then id look over at you, or touch you, and my mind was just filled with you, and how wonderful you are and how happy i am to be with you, and i would just smile and giggle because i was filled with this pleasure, from just looking at you and knowing you were right beside me. you literally do almost nothing wrong, and perhaps that will change, although i doubt it would very much. i cant say ive had terrible boyfriends in the past, but compared to you, i almost feel like they are. although, it was honestly because i figured i deserved to be treated like that.. but thats beside the point. and i honestly dont think this is all because of the ‘honeymoon stage’ as people call it.. you know, when people first start dating, and they are really happy, but a few weeks, a month, sometimes two months later, and theyre fighting, and being mean, and theyre unhappy and all that jazz, and then forever after that, if they stay together, its a constant back and forth, and not a constant happiness at all. however stereotypical that is, thats basically how its been for me. but this? this is going to be a constant happiness, for a long time. i have no doubt about it. thats how this is different. thats how youre different. and i just keep focusing on that, and everything is peachy. peachy and lovely and delicious.
youre delicious. ;D and thats the awesome thing, see. i dont have to make out with you at all to have a wonderful fucking day with you, a wonderful fucking few hours. it doesnt matter that listening to the words of the preachers at church irritate me. because im next to you. because im with you, because youre with me. id rather be there, with you, trying to block out the annoying words, than asleep in my comfortable bed without you. im so glad you dont like church, because i dont know if i could take it and not complain at all. xD i have to complain a little, you know. ;P ima complaina! but ive been trying not to, too much. you distract me from things i feel like complaining about anyways. :D thank you! thank you so much! ill never be able to thank you enough!
Tagged with: (:
mrs drake said it was like magical realism. :P
[ Posted Sun, 13 Mar 2011 15:56:00 ]
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, there lived quite the adventurous young girl. She possessed much curiosity, and thought of the world as her playground to explore as she pleased. This girl felt that she must be blessed to live in such a world with such great opportunities, and only wished to learn and discover as much as she could. She set out on a dangerous, risky quest that would prove if she really was worthy enough to wander wherever she desired, to become skilled at whatever struck her fancy. As she trekked across many treacherous lands, expanding her wit and cleverness and leaving her mark wherever she had been, the girl began to feel a pull that was almost magnetic. The girl was quite intelligent, although impulsive, and so she followed where the pull led her, feeling there must be very incredible forces at work. As she neared her destination–wherever and whatever it was–she started to feel the magic in the air, in her heart, in her head, in her veins, in the very core of her bones! The feeling was magnificent, fantastic! The young girl wanted to keep this wonderful feeling with her forever; she had finally discovered what she had been searching for all her life! She hiked the final steps to the door of this breath-taking palace, taking in everything she saw and storing the glorious images in her mind, to tell stories of the mystical place in the future. Her breath taken away, her body electrified, she knocked on the old, majestic door of the great structure. She read the beautifully scripted words above the door slowly, savoring each syllable as she said them aloud: ...Randolph-Macon College“. The girl stood her ground, awaiting what would happen next. And so she stood there, never losing the magical feeling of the place, stubbornly waiting to receive an answer for all the difficult effort she had put into her quest. When the great door opened, the girl felt exhilarated, as she knew all her dreams were about to come true. Without wasting time, she stood up straight and proudly said ...My name is Vittoria Sportelli, and I believe that this is where I belong.“
Tagged with: MAGIC, (:
ouch, boobie!
[ Posted Fri, 11 Mar 2011 22:56:18 ]
but it was worth it. xD
and of course theres marks. XD but its okay, i can cover them up no problemo. it was worth it, anyways. xP -just got yo pichure- OH MY ! yours are much more amusing, i feel pretty hardcore! >D wow though, im insanely sorry. xD and you have like. high collar bones too.. im sorry! really i am! youll be able to cover it up though, its all good. XD i think. i hope. xD hahahaa. mmmmm.
i like your car :D lets do that more often!
mon cher!
[ Posted Fri, 11 Mar 2011 07:21:28 ]
my lovely, my dearest! i hope i shall not be tired today! i had to wake up early because the hot glue gun was in my fathers room, and so i just decided to wake up a bit earlier to write my french paragraphs, because i thought i ought to sleep. but i think ill be okay! i wonder what your preference is to the clothes i wear.. i know you dont really care but. ! my stomach hurt! ouchie! see you soon, my wonderful dearest boy!
sleepy.
[ Posted Thu, 10 Mar 2011 20:34:00 ]
you look so damn cuddly in that picture, i just want to fall asleep next to you. it makes me sleepy. because i just want to grab you, you look so damn comfortable, and huggle snuggle you, and fall asleep. fuck, i cant wait for the future. it feels so far away! mmmm. and i will appreciate every moment we lay together, every moment we go to bed together, sleep next to each other. even if, far off, it ends up happening every night. i will remember when i longed for it to happen, how i longed for it to happen! and i will cherish every night i have with you. oh, my sweet, sweet beanstalk! i cant stand feeling like this without you beside me!
Tagged with: (:
can i just
[ Posted Thu, 10 Mar 2011 18:44:15 ]
stare at adorable pictures of you all day, and not do my homework? (:
kidding, im heading up to do my soccer ball right now. ! lauren is giving me stuffff tomorrow, so i might smoke at sams! cause it would be fun! :D i think i shall. just preparing you! then ill just be tackling you, and WOOO! and then later, we can leave as early as you want! and park in our special spot! AND BREAK THE LAW! ;D
im excited about tomorrow. :D i still feel bad about skipping play practice but.. OH WELL! XD i like you more. (:
dammit you make me too happy!
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