Nov 2011 - Jan 2012

What to do.
[ Posted Thu, 19 Jan 2012 00:05:12 ]

I’m not tired but I don’t feel like doing anything. I technically still have reading to do, but I feel as if I shall not do it. I was supposed to finish because John is coming over in the morning, but too bad. xD He can get over it. xP I don’t know what to do. I want to watch anime, but I don’t feel like it. I suppose I could watch a movie, but I don’t want to watch something I haven’t seen yet, and I don’t know what to watch that I have seen. Maybe I’ll play my DS emulator. Nope, don’t wanna do that either. \ I don’t know. It’s like I’m tired but not sleepy tired. I am sort of upset that I don’t feel like doing anything. I have felt like doing things every day for awhile, and now I don’t. Bleh.

Just watched HTTYD again.
[ Posted Wed, 18 Jan 2012 02:43:03 ]

It was probably the 25th time I’ve seen it, no exaggerations. The whole time I was writing my english paper, I just wanted to eat popcorn and watch HTTYD. So when I finished my paper, I did exactly that. :P

I think one of the qualifications of a good movie is that you can watch it over and over again and never ever get tired of it. Seriously, I have been listening to the soundtrack for weeks and I have seen the movie countless times. I only love it more.

Tagged with: how to train your dragon, httyd, (:

I'm Boss.
[ Posted Tue, 17 Jan 2012 01:28:21 ]

Tagged with: nuff said

Listening to Queen's Somebody to Love
[ Posted Mon, 16 Jan 2012 23:55:12 ]

want to watch Ella Enchanted. xD

Tagged with: ella enchanted, queen, somebody to love

-watches the first pokemon movie while on gpx+-
[ Posted Mon, 16 Jan 2012 15:50:22 ]

I saw the Bulbasaur/Squirtle/Charmander clones on gpx+, and it made me want to watch the movie. x) I love this movie. So wonderful! <3

Tagged with: pokemon, mewtwo strikes back, pokemon movie, gpx, gpx+

WANT
[ Posted Mon, 16 Jan 2012 12:55:00 ]




SHINY DRIFLOON. SO YELLOW. SO CUTE. OMGSH. :O IT IS MY NEW MISSION.

Tagged with: I have no life, gpx, gpx+

Jónsi - Sticks & Stones
[ Posted Sat, 14 Jan 2012 10:33:02 ]

Eyes open wide, blinded by the sun now
Orange and white, dark red, green and yellow
Rainbow colors! Do not hide, see the view!
Step aside, go through!

Against the light, too strong, blow a fuse now
Everything bright, new songs, burning shoes
The look in your eyes! Break our bones into half!
Scream and shout and do laugh!

Let yourself… go (Oh Oh Oh)
Let yourself… go (Oh Oh Oh)

Stay close to me
Count one, two and three
Up in through your sleeves
Bursting through the seams
Open your eyes and see - You see

Inn um ermar, upp hryggjarsúluna
Yfir skóg, flæðir niður brekkuna
Allt upp í loft! Ég mun aldrei gleyma!
Því ég mun aldrei!

Hleypur um, rífur, leysir flækjurnar
(Upp með rótum) með blik í augum!
Stórmerki, undur, brjótum bein í sundur!

Let yourself… go (Oh Oh Oh)
Let yourself… go (Oh Oh Oh)

Stay close to me
Count one, two and three
Up in through your sleeves
Bursting through the seams
Open your eyes and see

Stay close to me
Count one, two and three
Up in through your sleeves
Right beyond the trees
Show you how you’ll be

Stay close to me
Count one, two and three
Up in through your sleeves
Bursting through the seams
Open your eyes and see - You see

Stay close to me : Count one, two, three
Up in your sleeves : You’re right beyond trees
Stay close to me : Count one, two, three
Up in your sleeves : Burst through the seams

Open your eyes and see
You see - You see

Tagged with: sticks and stones, jonsi, httyd, how to train your dragon, httyd soundtrack

Something strange.
[ Posted Sat, 14 Jan 2012 10:28:00 ]

Something strange is happening to me. For the first time in probably my whole life, I want to be alone. I want to be by myself. I mean, not every waking moment. Sometimes if I spend too much time with someone or my friends, I start to wish to be alone instead. Just the other day it was a rather depressing thought of feeling alone, of feeling detached from everyone else, as if I am looking down on what we do instead of participating. Very recently I have felt a gradual change of that alone-ness from a negative thing to a positive thing. It’s strange, I used to never want to be alone. I suppose I’m changing-growing up, if you wish-in a better way than I thought I would.

Last night, stephen kept spiking up my hair and calling me peter pan, and then everyone started calling me peter pan. That instantly made me think of Sweet Disposition, and how that song made me feel like if I could only never grow up in the usual way, I may be able to find happiness. Recently I have almost felt as if Mally is slipping into the ways of adults. She gets very stressful, and worries about things, and money, and life, and doesn’t seem happy (although that probably also has to do with her relationship status). In any case, it upsets me. I feel as if most adults are not happy, because they all follow that usual adult formula. I don’t want that to happen to my best friend. I want to save her, but I don’t know how.

Back to my original subject; I believe this is a good change. I don’t think I have gotten depressed nearly as much as I used to. Well, that is a statement that I can’t really make at this time, but we will see soon enough if it rings true. I feel like that story I read, The Story of an Hour. As soon as she doesn’t have a husband binding her (and she is old enough to certainly not have parents doing the same), she feels incredibly free. I’ll have to get more quotes when I am back in my room to show my point more. It’s a ridiculous feeling that she has never had before, but it is probably the most wonderful as well. I just feel like.. I want to figure out myself. What I like. What I want to do. What will make me happy. What I like learning about. I want to focus on my classes, which I haven’t really done yet. Not exactly on the classes themselves, but the material. I don’t like the structure of classes and grading, but I can sort of see why it’s needed. The idiots in my short story class don’t read any of the stories. She needs to give them tests and quizzes so that their grades reflect their participation. But I just want to read the stories, and discussing them is good too because then I find even more interesting things about them. But I don’t want tests and papers just to show I have been reading the stories… I just want to learn. But I know lots of people sadly do not feel the same.. :/

The lyrics of Sticks & Stones are so good. A part of it is in a different language; I’ll have to search a translation. It’s such a happy song, I just want to burst..

Soon I’ll be free; I’m on my way!

Tagged with: I need to stop rambling and getting away from the important parts, (:, I'll be free!

annoyed.
[ Posted Sat, 14 Jan 2012 02:08:49 ]

Seriously
[ Posted Fri, 13 Jan 2012 12:16:29 ]

All I do all day long is listen to the How to Train Your Dragon soundtrack.

Not kidding.

Tagged with: httyd, how to train your dragon, httyd soundtrack, john powell, jonsi, lol, (:

Fuck.
[ Posted Fri, 13 Jan 2012 01:16:03 ]

What to do.

I don't have a home.
[ Posted Tue, 10 Jan 2012 22:37:12 ]

It isn’t here, at Randolph-Macon. It isn’t in Mechanicsville. It isn’t ‘wherever I’m with you’, like in the song I like.

It isn’t anywhere. It doesn’t exist.

I feel very alone.
[ Posted Tue, 10 Jan 2012 19:08:10 ]

My friend
[ Posted Mon, 09 Jan 2012 17:58:52 ]

totally just gave me a bunch of weed and an almost full bottle of rum for free.

Fucking love college.

Disappointment.
[ Posted Tue, 03 Jan 2012 17:45:16 ]

My class is about reading short stories, not writing them.

At least it starts with Edgar Allen Poe, and I like him.

YOU KNOW WHATS AWESOME
[ Posted Tue, 03 Jan 2012 10:32:42 ]

I GET TO SING IN MY ROOM NOW. ALL THE TIME!!!! :D

Tagged with: sing sing sing, lalalalalalala, (:

Okay but
[ Posted Mon, 02 Jan 2012 20:15:50 ]

how can I do what I want

if I don’t know what I want

WHY THE FUCK
[ Posted Mon, 02 Jan 2012 19:30:35 ]

DID SHE HAVE TO COME BACK TO GET ALL HER SHIT WHEN I FEEL LIKE THIS. WHY THE FUCK CANT SHE FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE SO I CAN BE FUCKING SAD WITHOUT ANYONE TRYING AND FAILING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?!?!!! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. I AM A BITCH.

I do what I want

Dammit.
[ Posted Mon, 02 Jan 2012 19:20:38 ]

I need Charlotte to finish taking all of her shit away and leave so I can watch How to Train Your Dragon. My head aches and I am in a state of emotional turmoil.

I don’t understand anything.

HOLY SHIT
[ Posted Mon, 02 Jan 2012 15:56:33 ]

THIS IS SO FUCKING WEIRD!!!! I hooked my laptop up with my tv, and now my laptop’s screen is black (which is odd because this didn’t happen at my house when we connected the two). So I am typing on my laptop, but it’s showing up on my tv… It’s pretty strange! Especially because the TV is a widescreen tv. So it stretches everything. xD Ahaha! I’m just having fun. x)

boner-:

im confused

Tagged with: yup

Michelle
[ Posted Sun, 01 Jan 2012 16:57:00 ]

was my midnight kiss. <3

I think that means a lot. We have been together for years and years… Although my boyfriend has always changed and hers hasn’t really, our relationship never changes. If anything, we continue to become closer. It doesn’t matter that she now lives far away, at a completely different college from mine. Maybe I can’t stand the distance with a boyfriend, but I could take any distance with Michelle. It’s just different. I’m pretty damn sure she will be my best friend forever, there’s no denying it.

Or maybe I’m just a lesbian.

"Excuse me, barmaid. I'm afraid you brought me the wrong offspring. I ordered an extra large boy with beefy arms, extra guts and glory on the side. This here, this is a talking fishbone."
[ Posted Sat, 31 Dec 2011 02:06:42 ]

mainstream-averted:



Tagged with: I wanna watch it again. xD

I think that girls are mean
[ Posted Sat, 31 Dec 2011 00:50:23 ]

because everybody lets them be. I am a mean bitch. But nobody has stopped me yet, and they probably never will. This seems to be the truth for most women.

It all comes down to the same fucking thing. I just want to know what I want. WHY IS THAT SO DAMN DIFFICULT?! Do I really not know? Am I incapable of knowing? What the flying fuck!

I want to just smoke a shit ton of weed, fall asleep, and never, EVER fucking wake up again.

I wish I could
[ Posted Sat, 31 Dec 2011 00:30:08 ]

smoke weed. I would, if I hadn’t gotten blazed three nights and a row, and tomorrow would make it five if I smoked tonight… I would make a gb. But I am also lazy. xD I can’t focus on reading anymore, and I was having a good damn time. Then my mind just had to wander, and make a fucking mess. Thanks, you’re fucking GREAT. I won’t be able to sleep.

I lost like a million fucking pounds. 107.5 to 101. What the hell, how did that even happen? Most people are psyched about losing that much, but it only concerns me. I don’t look any thinner. My mother says my face is flushed. I eat a lot of shit food, so idk how any of this is possible. I eat more shit food now than I did before, so what the fuck? I don’t get it. The doctor gave me pills for my stomach. They are supposed to make me not feel sick in the mornings. I bet it won’t work. At least they are fairly tiny, and circular. I like the circle ones, idk why.

FUCK. I just want to scream. I downloaded the How to Train Your Dragon soundtrack. It’s fucking excellent. Some parts make me cry. That movie hits me so hard, and I don’t even know why. Nobody seems to feel the same way about it. I don’t really get it. Especially when I’m high. Everything in it just.. clicks with me. I love it, I feel a part of it or something, I can’t really explain… It’s amazing, and my favorite movie (tied with Star Wars :P). I wish I could share the feelings I have towards it.

FUCK
[ Posted Sat, 31 Dec 2011 00:01:12 ]

WHATS WRONG WITH ME

I'm sad.
[ Posted Fri, 30 Dec 2011 23:57:52 ]

I think that
[ Posted Wed, 28 Dec 2011 20:33:51 ]

closets are really cute. Clothes look much cuter in closets than drawers. Or even better, cute little wardrobes. But I am super lazy, and have too many clothes. But I wish I wasn’t lazy, and had my cute little clothes hanging in a cute little wardrobe.

/pictures of hanging clothes on tumblr made me think of this. xD

Goddammit.
[ Posted Mon, 26 Dec 2011 14:51:16 ]

A lot of my titles are that word. or Fuck.

My throat hurts a lot. At least my nose isn’t as irritated, and I am not sneezing as much. My mouth doesn’t hurt too bad. Just a bit.

I hate being home. … I made a mess.

sicksicksick.
[ Posted Fri, 23 Dec 2011 23:30:22 ]

But at least I’m with Garrett.

But my stomach D: It’s worse than my mouth. But when I cough! Oh, that hurts my mouth. And I am so swollen on one side, I’m like an unbalanced chipmunk. I wish I could go to sleep. No, I wish my stomach would stop. I know it’s probably because I can’t eat. Because of the medicine. Because of the car ride, that one was bad.

Earlier today I had a fever, it was not fun. I was feeling better, until the car ride..

I need to find my pills so I can hide one for Patrick/Sam, and say I took it. No way I’m taking those things again - I’ll just puke.

Sick. Dream.
[ Posted Wed, 21 Dec 2011 13:30:20 ]

Sick sick sick sickly. Why must I be sick before getting my wisdom teeth out? How irritating. I am irritated. -.-

I also had a cool ass dream. There was this huge battle, and our side decided to wear roller skates because it let us move around more quickly and freely and somehow we fought better like that. The roller skates were our secret weapon. We could move faster than the enemies. The setting was this huge area with multiple floors but endless pits if you fell off. The amount of people on my side was vast; we were the good guys. The others were terrible killers who meant our people harm. I had a feeling that they had been terrorizing us for awhile. That we would not be free until we defeated these beastly humans. We had been preparing for this fight for a long time. The other side had a sort of dragon-monster. It wasn’t exactly a dragon, but sort of looked like one. I don’t remember it breathing fire, but it was one of the most dangerous opponents. The fight was crazy, my vision kept changing angles, sometimes I wasn’t seeing what my dream self was seeing, but I would see my allies fighting. I don’t remember our weapons at all, but I know we had something to fight with. For some reason, one of my comrades had a cow? It was a rather small cow. Anyways, the dragon-like-monster went for him at one point, and he nearly fell into the pit, he was hanging. He was terrified. He was talking to his lover about the cow, and she was excited about it… I saved him from the pit somehow, and locked ourselves in a room so that my friend could recover. He was very upset, he was in tears. He didn’t want to fight anymore, he didn’t want to live anymore. I desperately pleaded with him. He looked to be around 25, with a small mustache and beard thing going on. Dark hair. Eyes that showed his suffering. I heard the enemies outside one of the doors to the room. They tried to get in, but then said who gives a fuck. I thought we were safe, but all the sudden one of the enemies said that they should make sure there was nobody in that room, and they should bust it down. I sobbed, and hugged my friend, trying to find any way to put the motivation back into him. We couldn’t just give up, not after fighting this hard. The enemies broke the wooden door down, while my friend and I sobbed and hugged, a bond between us full of shared suffering and understanding.

My sister then woke me up. I never saw the ending.

I was gonna go smoke.
[ Posted Tue, 20 Dec 2011 23:10:07 ]

And then. I don’t know. My throat hurts. I don’t have anything in particular I wish to do or eat while high. But I want to get high. xD But I’m not going upstairs? So I don’t understand. >.< NOW I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO INVOLVING DRUGS!

FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

hiptoyourjive:

Sad is such a physical emotion
I don't need to feel it in every atom

Bathe in the Waves
[ Posted Sun, 18 Dec 2011 15:15:22 ]

Patrick gave me a bunch of chillwave and some other stuff, and I’m just excited. x) I have wanted new music for awhile, especially new music that is different from anything else I have. When Patrick and Sam were playing this stuff last night, it sounded so beautiful. I was so content with just laying there and listening to it, it was amazing… (:

Every time I woke up they would be like ‘Vittoria is riding the waves’ or ‘You’re bathing in the waves, Vittoria’. xD It was so silly. I love them. I felt so happy last night, it was simply wonderful! I want to go back. It makes me want to live with my friends so much. Life would be so great.. We could work or whatever and do whatever we want. We wouldn’t need a shit ton of money, especially if we all lived together. We could just do drugs and listen to wonderful music and enjoy each other’s company. Ah. If only my vision for the future will come true, then I know I will be alright!

Tagged with: chillwave, weed, fuckyeah

It's four am.
[ Posted Sat, 17 Dec 2011 03:54:08 ]

WHAT THE FUCK. WHY AM I AWAKE DAMMIT

I really just
[ Posted Fri, 16 Dec 2011 01:42:12 ]

want to cry right now. I want to be alone. I don’t give a fuck about calculus. I don’t give a fuck about anything. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be anywhere. I obviously don’t know what I want. I don’t know what’s real. I’ve lied to myself and made myself believe things before, so why couldn’t I be doing the same thing again? I am tired. I am sick. I wish to distract myself endlessly, but even that would not solve anything. But I don’t know how to solve it, and I never have. So I just keep running. That’s the only thing to do.

and I bought them. XD
[ Posted Thu, 15 Dec 2011 23:02:00 ]

And something for Michelle. And a penguin ice cream scooper for my daddy. xD

Scary.
[ Posted Thu, 15 Dec 2011 22:11:29 ]

Today my family and my friends saw A Christmas Carol. Afterwords, all of my friends told me how scary I was, and that I didn’t even seem like Vittoria anymore. I was extremely fucking excited. xP Like, that made me feel great. That means I was doing exactly as i was supposed to be doing. I am a ragpicker, who is deformed, disgusting, greedy and creepy. Scary is exactly what I wished to hear! ^~^ Yay! My chances of getting my own part next year are increasing!

TUMBLR,
[ Posted Thu, 15 Dec 2011 01:21:29 ]

Y U EXIST. U DISTRACT ME CONSTANTLY. STOP IT.

Don't feel bad.
[ Posted Wed, 14 Dec 2011 17:01:53 ]

I understand. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone else today, either.

Well.
[ Posted Wed, 14 Dec 2011 15:37:34 ]

I don’t know what to do today. I wish I could write my paper so that I wouldn’t have to stay up late tonight after the play to write it, but we all know that won’t happen. Everything I can think of doing doesn’t sound good. I don’t seem to want to do anything. BUT I DO. I want to do something, I just don’t know what. I just feel like… I don’t even know why I’m here, if I don’t want to be.

I seem to know a lot of things that I DON’T want, but not nearly enough things that I DO want. Goddammit.

Shit.
[ Posted Wed, 14 Dec 2011 14:00:12 ]

I feel like… I have no feelings.

MY FUCKING STOMACH HURTS.
[ Posted Wed, 14 Dec 2011 01:29:08 ]

WHERE IS MY WEED. WHERE IS MY MEESH.

What do I do? What can I do?

All I want to do is fucking scream and cry, but someone else is in the room. Also, last time I sobbed loudly in the quiet study room (my birthday) I woke the neighboring residents and they asked if I was okay. SO THAT IS NOT AN OPTION. This is why I need to fucking live by myself. So I can scream and weep and nobody will wake up, and nobody will be concerned or fake concerned because NOBODY WILL GIVE A FUCK and that’s the way it should FUCKING BE.

BECAUSE MY PROBLEMS ARE TRIVIAL. Because I am a TERRIBLE PERSON. Because I am unmotivated. Because I GIVE NO FUCKS. Because it’s like a game. Because I’m manipulative. Because I’m bored. Because I have NO FUCKING PURPOSE. Because I DON’T KNOW WHAT I FUCKING WANT, AND I’M NOT GETTING ANY CLOSER. Because I don’t want to live in a gray house. Because I don’t want. Because the combination of drugs and friends solve everything, temporarily. Because I don’t feel close to anyone, I feel no connection, especially not to the people that are physically close to me.

I’m a mess, and it’s extremely difficult to prevent tears from running down my face. But I’m gonna do it. And I’m going to study French. And I’m probably going to get a B on the exam. But I don’t really give a fuck, because nothing is important to me. I just want to find something that is.

It's sad that
[ Posted Wed, 14 Dec 2011 00:06:55 ]

the only constant thing in my life, that I know I want, is drugs. I don’t have any other constant variable that I know I want. And it’s almost like I have a sense of what is important once I am high, but when I’m sober once again and pushed into the daily routine of my life, I forget it all.

Tagged with: -.-, drugs

I wish that
[ Posted Wed, 14 Dec 2011 00:04:25 ]

being happy was simple. Simple & easy. But it’s not. Not for me.

fuck.
[ Posted Tue, 13 Dec 2011 18:00:11 ]

All I want to do is lay down and weep.

Yet, I must study for french. I must eat. I must be in the play. I don’t wanna do this shit right now. I’m tired. I’m sick. I don’t feel like existing. blllahhhhh.

My head hurts. My stomach hurts. My eyes hurt. sdufhcudfsjdfnkj

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what to do. Ah, fuck it.

I WANT
[ Posted Mon, 12 Dec 2011 00:22:21 ]

a fancy gaming laptop. Because they are pretty.

I don’t even play that many games! BUT I WANT ONE STILLLL. AHM SO JELLY OF RYAN AND CODY BECAUSE THEY HAVE PRETTY GAMING LAPTOPS. :O

Shit monkeys.
[ Posted Sun, 11 Dec 2011 11:28:58 ]

WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT

Tagged with: GODDAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT

I DONT WANT TO GO HOME.
[ Posted Sat, 10 Dec 2011 17:43:39 ]

Agreed.

I hope that
[ Posted Fri, 09 Dec 2011 01:28:17 ]

it doesn’t count as cheating to use parts of my journals on these papers. I definitely did it last paper, and she didn’t say anything. Last paper, I didn’t even bother to change very many of the words around, either. I’m adding more to these though, and changing the words more, because you can never believe you will get away with the same thing twice… I mean, it just makes sense. Why should I go and search my life away for an example I didn’t use in my journals, when the answer is right there!?? I highly doubt she will realize it. I don’t know what will happen if she will… She does like me, and I do all of my work, and I do it a hell of a lot better than most people in that class, although I do not give a shit. I’m really counting on the relationship I have with her at the moment. xD She likes me because she knows I genuinely enjoy the service project, and help in any way I can. Fuck yeah.

Two pages down. Two and a half questions down. One page/one and a half questions left. FUCK YEAH I WIN

I still hate Libbie, and the mention of her name.
[ Posted Thu, 08 Dec 2011 23:58:16 ]

Is that odd? xD

Tagged with: I think it is. xP

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
[ Posted Thu, 08 Dec 2011 23:54:17 ]

I look cute today,
[ Posted Thu, 08 Dec 2011 16:08:02 ]

and it’s really annoying. Because I don’t have any classes and I’m not really going anywhere. xD I had to put on clothes to go see my math professor, and I just happened to make a cute outfit. GAH. SO IRRITATING. XD Why do I always do this?! XD

Also, I really want a cute, warm jacket. All of my cute jackets are thin, and all of John’s jackets are warm but not cute. I WANT A BROWN NORTH FACE JACKET. XD

Dammit.

I really fucking wish that
[ Posted Wed, 07 Dec 2011 23:03:32 ]

winter break would come quicker. And that during winter break, I could live at Mally’s house. <3

I don’t want to go to my parent’s house, but I am really FUCKING sick of this stupid as fuck school work. I don’t know what I will do on my exams with this lack of motivation. Perhaps Chemistry will be the only exam I do well on, because it is the only class I have a chance to get an A in.

If I get straight Bs… I don’t even know what the fuck I am going to do. GO FUCKING APE SHIT. If the FYEC tests weren’t so fucking shitty, and if they didn’t grade our discussions so ridiculously, then I would get an A in that. The only reason I have no A in Calculus is because I do not give a fuck, and I do everything half-assed. I almost wish I didn’t, but then I remember that I don’t care. French is fucking hopeless because I am terrible and always will be. I’m convinced I cannot learn, and I am not sure that I should even go to France for a semester, because it would be wasted on me.

FUUUUCCCKKKK

Sick.
[ Posted Wed, 07 Dec 2011 22:39:01 ]

Stomach hurts. Head hurts. College isn’t as free as I thought it would be. I want more, although I do not know exactly what would be enough… People say that doing bad things doesn’t make you feel good, and only makes you feel bad. I disagree. Or at least, I must, for the amount of times I hurt and upset people. It is true that I feel bad about the bigger things, but I will admit that there is some sort of relish occasionally… I am positive I am not the only woman who feels this way, simply one of the only to admit it.

Perhaps i dislike that I honestly feel no remorse for some of my actions that I should feel remorse for, but I cannot do anything about it. My emotions do not listen to me; I have no control over them.

I am quite the horrible person, and i do not care any longer. I am sick.

I do want to hear!
[ Posted Wed, 07 Dec 2011 01:36:38 ]

So I guess I don’t make sense. xD

This week is not a good week. My emotions are everywhere and I suppose they decided to be annoyed while reading your tumblr. Also, I have felt very fond of Michelle lately, and I suppose I felt you were being hostile or something of the sort.

Gah, I don’t know. I’m everywhere. Maybe we just need to talk more in general.

I really do want to hear about her, and I want to hear about your life. I’m sorry I called you inconsiderate… I think I was annoyed that you could share and I couldn’t.

Also,
[ Posted Wed, 07 Dec 2011 00:15:16 ]

Michelle knows all. She mostly has negative things to say about you, because she knows that you are an asshole. xD

Tagged with: I think it's funny that you are an asshole

I know that
[ Posted Wed, 07 Dec 2011 00:14:18 ]

by slightly complaining about this, you will probably believe that it does bother me emotionally, however, it does not.

I wanted to make it a point not to say much at all about John on this tumblr, for your sake. I didn’t upload pictures of him, I didn’t put a picture of me and him on facebook, I haven’t really said much of anything about him on here. I actually made a completely new tumblr just for him, so I could have one directed towards him and that wouldn’t hurt you or upset you.

Therefore, I find it rather rude that you decided to do the complete opposite of this, as if you were shoving it in my face and trying to make me jealous, to which you have not succeeded. I’m sure you are just excited and happy about your new woman, but I don’t understand how it is fair to do that when I made it a point not to. Also, I could have officially dated John much, much earlier, but he thought it would be kinder to you to wait. Inconsiderate.

I hate all the females.
[ Posted Tue, 06 Dec 2011 01:35:18 ]

Especially the ones in my hall.

Who decide to start talking to me only when I have a boyfriend with me.

HMMMMM. Dem bitchy girls. I guess I can’t really say much, because I’m sure I do the same thing when I’m single. x) Flirt with boys that have girlfriends. It’s what we do. I’m pretty good at it. But I digress.

I don’t really give a fuck, I just wanted to state one of the various reasons I hate girls and hate being one.

DEY JUS JELLY DEY AINT GETTIN N-E

If I were prettier than her, it would be fair.
[ Posted Tue, 06 Dec 2011 01:30:10 ]

BUT IT ISN’T. D<

Tagged with: WHY AM I A GIRL, I DON'T LIKE IT

Okay I lied.
[ Posted Tue, 06 Dec 2011 01:27:23 ]

Fuck. I wouldn’t be a liar if she wasn’t so damn cute. It really irritates me that that somehow changes everything. Fuck, I despise being female. I’m a little jealous. Bite me.

But I am in no way upset or wishing that didn’t happen. xD I really do want you to have someone else because I really do want you to be happy. It just. it feels a little different than I thought it would. Only slightly. Because her face is just… gorgeous. I mean. Wow. Her eyes, and her lips… Damn boy, go get ‘em.

She has like a fucking porcelain face! HOW IS THIS FAIR. djfnskjfnsjkdfshfs Dammit, Zac. Date someone unattractive. xD

Date Miya. Just kidding. I do think she is rather unattractive, both personality and looks wise… But the world would end before you dated her, I’m sure.

Seriously, though. I am extremely happy for you, you have no idea. I can’t believe you were able to break out of your shy shell so quickly, I am very impressed. I taught you well! :D Have fun, Zachary. You must tell me allllll about her when we exchange gifts! (:

She's way too fucking adorable.
[ Posted Tue, 06 Dec 2011 01:14:55 ]

That’s not fair! D:

But I am very, very happy for you. I am very glad things worked out so well for you, and that you weren’t shy! I’m so freaking proud of you! :D :D :D :D

I may not get married and have kids.
[ Posted Mon, 05 Dec 2011 02:16:31 ]

I may not live long enough to do so.

Tagged with: thoughts from saturday

Dream.
[ Posted Sun, 04 Dec 2011 18:53:25 ]

Something happened. I believe it was an accident of some sort, although it would make more sense for it to be a disease. I couldn’t walk. My sister had to help me walk places. It didn’t make much sense. It was like, I could walk if I was leaning on something, or if I was balancing or something, but then I would randomly just crumple onto the floor. My mother would get angry when I tried to walk on my own, but I continued trying to do so. Sometimes I would crawl and my arms must have been getting stronger. It was a very realistic dream, although the conditions and reasons for my ‘not walking’ did not make much sense. It was sad. I didn’t like being dependent on someone for everything. I wanted to walk on my own. I wanted to be free.

Surprise.
[ Posted Sat, 03 Dec 2011 10:41:25 ]

I get to sing Silent Night with only one other girl and two boys in A Christmas Carol. That was more than I hoped for, and more than I thought I would get. Because of this, I also got one or two more lines. :D

Except, I am trying not to be so loud, and it is really difficult. I have no idea why so many singers insist on singing so softly that I cannot hear them. D< I think James asked us to sing lower, but I wasn’t paying attention and I am not good at singing low anyways. So then when we ran it again, Alana sort of gave me a puzzled look, but I pretended like I didn’t understand, because I didn’t really. It sounds better with levels. And Alana went lower, so James should have been okay, I guess? I don’t know. I’m apparently bad at communication now. xD It’s also weird, because I know James and Alana, but I don’t know the other boy. haha.

My main role is this disgusting greedy cockney woman, and I am supposed to take this role over the top. I am never very good at over the top. ): But I wanna try really hard, so I get better parts in shows. xD I’m glad the director let me sing, because I also wanted to show him I could sing so that he would put me in musicals. x)

Meh.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANNNNT
[ Posted Fri, 02 Dec 2011 01:17:54 ]

I’m so upset.

The day was too short.
[ Posted Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:30:44 ]

My right shift key is broken, and it’s horrible. At least, I think it’s broken. It’s very odd and unnatural to use the left shift key.

It was basically my only free day until exams are over. Why was it so short? ):

It's almost five AM.
[ Posted Thu, 01 Dec 2011 04:48:26 ]

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK GO TO FUCKING BED! D<

goddammit.
[ Posted Thu, 01 Dec 2011 00:38:40 ]

I want to do drugs more often. I really dislike not being able to do what I want to do. I don’t like being restricted. Constrained. Caged.

C’est tres simple. Je veux liberer.

Tagged with: D<

I didn't want to tell you, because I figured it would hurt your feelings.
[ Posted Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:51:00 ]

I discovered something that I did unconsciously. I did it without realizing what I was doing until I thought about it, and then decided I was a bad person.

John is sick today. He is sleeping. The quiet room had people in it that were being loud, and I wished to complain to someone. I wanted to talk to someone, I wanted attention. But John is asleep. So I texted the currently-next-best-option. You.

That sounds horrible, and I didn’t mean to do that, but once I thought about it, that is exactly what I did. Not that I don’t like talking to you. But if I am with or talking to someone else (John), the chances of talking to you are very slim.

And that, my friend, is why I am a bad person.

I'm tired.
[ Posted Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:21:56 ]

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I’m also a bad person. esndkjvndxfkjnskdj

if you complained less about your lack of a love life, maybe you'd have a love life.
[ Posted Wed, 30 Nov 2011 02:02:00 ]

superflu0us:

THIS

Although for myself, I would take out the ‘life’ part. I have what some would call a ‘love life’. What I don’t have, is love.

Tagged with: true story bro

Fuck fuck fuck
[ Posted Wed, 30 Nov 2011 01:13:23 ]

I am frustrated and tired.
[ Posted Wed, 30 Nov 2011 00:50:40 ]

I hate fyec, and I’m frustrated I have to take it. When I was in high school, I was constantly pissed about having to be in classes that I gave no fucks about. I knew that when I got to college, it would be different.

BUT NOT FUCKING REALLY.

Seriously, it is the most FUCKING FRUSTRATING THING. I want to learn about things I am interested in. Things I care about. I don’t want to do pointless assignments that mean nothing to me.

I’m very upset about this, and it is very difficult to complete homework when I am so unmotivated.

Too fast.
[ Posted Mon, 28 Nov 2011 18:01:22 ]

I’m confused.

Tagged with: ):

I'm High.
[ Posted Sun, 27 Nov 2011 00:10:44 ]

It wasn’t rhetorical, I really wanted to know. xD I was asking honestly. You seem very afraid of irritating me, which is rather odd. When have a ever been an irritated person? I don’t give a fuck dude. I’m a stoner. Don’t you know? Goddammit. What the fack ahahaha. I’m having a good damn time.

50/50 was indeed amazing
[ Posted Sat, 26 Nov 2011 18:47:47 ]

I watched it last night.

Good.
[ Posted Fri, 25 Nov 2011 17:00:23 ]

I’m glad that’s how you feel. xP Open-mindedness.

I was just in a bad mood the other night, so excuse me if what I said sounded harsh.

I know that perhaps you aren’t ready for another relationship, but I find it much easier to start one right after I end one… I suppose I don’t like to be alone. Although I am miserable single or together, perhaps I find some comfort in at least having someone there, even though I know it does not help me. Maybe that sounds desperate or stupid or something, I don’t care. I don’t really know how my mind works, I’m just trying to figure it out.

I know you don’t want to hear this, but I might have liked being single for a little bit, just to maybe make out with a bunch of people. xD I know you find that pointless, and it really is, but whatever. I much prefer a relationship anyways, so no regrets… So what would you have rather it been, for me? Me single and a ho, or me with one new, constant boy? Just curious.

It smells like starburst. Yum.

Perhaps I am odd in that I wish for you to be with someone else. Most people would get jealous or upset, I suppose. My wishes do not make sense. But I truly want you to be with someone else, and I will not be upset if you talk about them, or post pictures of/with them, or anything like that. I just want you to be happy.

Watching 50/50 tonight. My dad finally found it! (:

You signed your art tumblr as Z.
[ Posted Fri, 25 Nov 2011 16:52:09 ]

I found it amusing. xD

Well.
[ Posted Thu, 24 Nov 2011 21:47:46 ]

I don’t know what to say.

First of all, I want to know what this means. Explanation, please.
(If I may interject, the abstract expressionism of Jackson Pollock which you unconsciously mimicked was very relevant, in my opinion, to me realizing I was wrong about the post-breakup sex. Or maybe I'm just weird xP)
because I’m confused. I’m dumb. xD You were wrong about it…?

I wanted to say something, to you. But I don’t know what exactly… I want to be friends with you, but I also know how upset it would make me if my current boyfriend was hanging around his ex all the time. Or any girl, really, but an ex is automatically worse. Taking that into consideration, it would be completely hypocritical and rather mean to hang out with you a lot if I have a boyfriend.

Right now I am fairly unhappy, though. I keep changing my mind, and I don’t know what I want. Of course, I never know, and this is a phrase repeated so often that quite frankly, I am getting sick of it. SICK. FUCKING SICK OF IT

My mother keeps getting upset with me because of how I treat my father. She gets mad at me, and tells me I need to show him I love him and appreciate him. I told her I appreciate everything he has given me, but I certainly do not love him. She says I do. She’s wrong. It’s quite similar to how you feel about family being forced upon you. She thinks just because he is my father, I love him. She said without him, I wouldn’t be here. I told her, maybe I don’t want to be. She claims that he hasn’t done anything to me, so I have no reason to dislike him. I told her she deserves better, and he doesn’t treat her right. She said he’s changed. I don’t believe her. She told me about all of the things he has given her. That she has so much in life. That she is so well off. I cried.

That’s not what I want. I told her it isn’t about material things, but she says she loves him. I would rather be poor as shit and love somebody and be loved, than to be ‘well off’ with someone that I don’t love, but can tolerate. No, no, no. That’s so wrong. Why does that seem to be the dream? I just feel like nobody is really in love anymore, where did it go? Was it ever here, did it ever really exist so strongly? I want it, I want it so badly I don’t know what to do. I’m going insane because everything is showing me, telling me, that it isn’t going to happen. That it doesn’t exist. That it’s impossible. A fairy tale. Another unrealistic thing for me to imagine, another fantasy for me to escape from this horrible world with.

How I feel about love and how my parents reflect it must be how Michelle feels about marriage and her parents.

Tagged with: I don't want to be here anymore, I wanted to say stuff to you, but I of course got off track

I keep procrastinating.
[ Posted Mon, 21 Nov 2011 03:58:30 ]

It’s bad. My stomach hurts. Popcorn was not a good idea, although delicious at the time. Those cookies probably didn’t help, either.

Boy, does my stomach hate it when I eat unhealthily.

I don’t even want to sleep. I just don’t want to do this fucking homework. I would rather be doing a number of other things. Like crying. Or searching for the lost birth control. God, my hands smell fucking disgusting and I can’t stand it.

My head also hurts. I want to sing.

fuuuuuckkk
[ Posted Mon, 21 Nov 2011 03:29:18 ]

meeeeeee.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

shit

I just want to cry.
[ Posted Mon, 21 Nov 2011 02:29:37 ]

I have wanted to at least five times today. But there have been so many distractions, that it doesn’t seem to work. I don’t like crying in front of people, because then they get sad or annoyed and they don’t understand why I’m sad, and I can’t fucking tell them. BECAUSE I DON’T FUCKING KNOW.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT I FUCKING WANT.

Is that such a difficult thing to give me? Oh wait, I’m greedy and I have asked for more things that I shall never receive. I want to be able to love. I want to be intelligent. I want to be good at something. I want to stop feeling everything I am currently feeling. I want to ……… I can’t think now. I don’t know what to think… I’m confused, I’m distracted. I was thinking today, about how much I have been distracted recently. I think erjgndgkjdr see, fuck. I can’t even think with all of this happening. I can’t even be sad or feel anything when this is happening. I would say that is a good thing, but it seems as if I want to be sad. Like, if I don’t get enough sad time in, I start trying to make myself sad. But that isn’t really true. That’s just how it looks on the outside, how it would seem to other people.. It’s what my mother says to me. She says I want to be sad, and that’s why I am. But she’s wrong.

I want to be happy. But I don’t know how to be. I don’t know what will make me happy, and I keep searching, and I am just going in circles and circles with my feelings and my writing… Everything I write is very repetitive, I seem to have mentioned it all before, at one point or another. I constantly whine about how I want to be happy and don’t know what will make me happy. I want to fucking know, that’s another thing. I want to know how to be happy. I guess there are too many things I want to know, and I am never going to know any of them.

I don’t want to do my homework, because it’s fucking stupid. I see no fucking value in any of it. I don’t know why Chemistry homework is different, but it’s one of the reasons I have pretty much decided that will be my major. I like chemistry homework. Even when it frustrates me and makes me want to cry. I still like it better than other homework. I guess I find value in it without realizing what the value is. Or perhaps I just like it… And I don’t like other homework. BUT SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK. HOW IS THIS MAKING ME MORE INTELLIGENT?! This shit is STUPID AS FUCK and I just wish I could throw it all out of a fucking window because it pisses me off that I must do it, yet it means nothing to me.

I don’t understand why it’s so important to look good. Why it is such a great thing to be cute. I mean, was that really my decision? I don’t really understand why the fuck this just occurred to me that it bothered me. Like, it’s not fucking fair. I mean, I do it too. I don’t generally try to talk to boys or get their attention unless they are cute. Unless I just feel like being a bitch and leading someone on, which I do. But the only time I do that is when they aren’t cute. xD Like, what the fuck. WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT. What is fucking wrong with the world. Goddammit, so many things upset me.

I’m staying up all night with a distraction. I probably should have decided against it, but I didn’t. I don’t know why. You could almost say I was looking forward to being depressed. But not really. That must be why I decided to be distracted instead.

I want to say sorry. I’m sorry, Zac. I’m a bad friend. I appreciate the more frequent space indian posts, I only wish they started sooner. I have never … what the fuck, I just got distracted again and I don’t know what I was going to say. D< … I don’t even know where I was going with this. Anyways, I am rather selfish, and I apologize. I think, as terrible as it sounds, I have a very easy time forgetting relationships because I just think of the bad things. I only do it for awhile. I mean, I know there were good things, but if I think of those then it’s possible that I would be unhappy. And frankly, I would rather just be distracted. The crying period for our relationship lasted my birthday weekend, and then I was done. No more sad, at least not about you. I wish for the same upon you. I don’t care what you have to do, I just want you to be happy. I think you are doing better than you thought you would. But I don’t know. I have never been able to tell what you are feeling. SHIT THAT’S WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY EARLIER I’M A GENIUS. Seriously, though. I have no gauge for your emotions, and that is not a good thing. Then again, I am terrible at knowing how ANYONE’s emotions are working.

My brain is scattered. I once again believe I will not live past a certain age. At this point I don’t even think marriage will make me happy. FUCK. Because I … What does love even mean, dammit?! If it’s as great as I want it to be, it can’t exist. That’s impossible. It can’t solve all my problems. And yet I continue to search. I suppose I will continue jumping from boy to boy, wrecking shit up, until I make my final decision to give up and end it all.

It was cold outside.
[ Posted Fri, 18 Nov 2011 19:56:51 ]

I woke up, and didn’t get out of bed. I got out of bed late, and ate a poptart instead of going to estes. I went to math. I finished my lab notebook that I forgot to do last night. I went to chemistry. I went to service, and Matthew kept smelling my hair. I took a shower yesterday, so that is why. I did my french homework in the library, and went to french…

The night before last would interest you much more, because I went to Mally’s and Ryan’s. We went to walmart, and saw Stevie and Jane. Stevie said he was selling, so Ryan and I decided to get some. My money was in the car though, and the stuff was at Stevie’s house. Or maybe it was Jane’s house, I have no idea. xD When we got back to Ryan’s house, Mally gave me a shit ton of clothes. Ryan went to go get the weed, but when he came back he realized he forgot his wallet, and the weed that Stevie gave us was definitely not two grams. More like one and three quarters. So we all decided to go with Ryan to where Stevie was, and smoke bowls in the car. That was fun, Mally and I were already high by the time we got to Stevies. He had a dog, but it didn’t bother me as much because I was high. Well, it wasn’t near me often at all, so that’s another reason… But Stevie had this pretty purple bong, and he asked if we wanted to hit it. It was very nice, so we did. Then Ryan put our weed in the bong, and Mally got to hit her first bong hit.. It was silly. xD On tv, there was a commercial for a movie that was blue and orange, and I remembered that thing I read, so I was telling them about it, but they didn’t get it. I sent Stevie it on facebook later, and he thought it was crazy. xD

But yeah. Adventures! Distractions, galore!

If I were in a fantasy novel,
[ Posted Thu, 17 Nov 2011 16:01:41 ]

I think I would be an evil sorceress. That isn’t my choice of what I would be. But I believe that sounds like an accurate role for me to play.

A guy that worked at Target
[ Posted Thu, 17 Nov 2011 14:13:00 ]

asked me if I was a star wars fan. I was wearing a Star Wars shirt, so this made sense. I said yes but then he asked me how many children Bobba Fett had, and I felt like an idiot because I didn’t know. ): I walked away feeling stupid and he told me four. Now i know.

Tagged with: I should really be a better Star Wars fan, I suck

My eyes hurt
[ Posted Tue, 15 Nov 2011 03:46:00 ]

and for once it isn’t because of tears! I don’t know why, though.

I watched Moulin Rouge with Will, John, Cody, and Randy today. It was soooo good. Ewan was lovely. John likes Ewan Mcgregor too! :D Sham started creeping on me at dinner, because now he knows I don’t have a boyfriend, but Megan, Hilary, Cody and I talked about how he is creepy and gross and we don’t like him, and that made me feel better. xD

It’s nice having friends. I didn’t want friends before because I figured everyone at RMC sucked, but these guys are awesome. And it’s not like we do anything, we just hang out in Cody, Will, Randy, and Wirth’s room. Because it’s so fucking huge. xD John and I played Aegis Wing today, I told him to download it because it’s free. It reminds me of Garrett, because I always play with him, so that was nice..

Zac Q&A:
no, no, no. Perhaps in person, but text is fine. I enjoy still being friends of course.

Yes, yes I do. I do not want you to be sad at all. The fact that you feel guilty for feeling happy is completely wrong! Do not feel that way. Please, feel as happy as you can be. If you had a new girl to focus your attention on, you wouldn’t think of me as much. It does not offend me if you are not depressed. I have been keeping myself distracted with the multitude of friends that came out of nowhere… you should be doing the same!

… And I keep almost calling all of the guys ‘Zac’. xD

Tagged with: sham has a tumblr so I hope he doesn't see this. xD I'll feel mean.

Zacry
[ Posted Mon, 14 Nov 2011 18:59:00 ]

The truth is, I don’t really want to talk about you, or think about you. I suppose that doesn’t sound like a nice way to start this post, but here’s why. It makes me sad. Believe it or not, it makes me sad to lose you, even if I did it. It makes me sad that there will be no more memories. When it’s time to move on for me, that is exactly what I do. I’m so good and quick because I know how to distract myself. I’m sorry that you don’t think I should be feeling this way, or acting this way, but it’s kind of similar to our situation before. I didn’t understand how you didn’t want to talk to me more, and didn’t want me to be in your life more. Now you don’t understand how I can get you out of my mind so quickly…

But that isn’t what I came to talk about, oh my. I wish to end this on a positive note. I just want to explain to you, I wish I could put it in better words… Truthfully, it does more harm than good to dwell on the past, and so I just don’t. And you shouldn’t either, honestly. I don’t want you to be sad. I want you to get out there and score some cute new lady friend. But I know you won’t do that….

Oh, Zacry, how I will miss you! You are one of the most adorable boys I have ever met and will ever meet in my life. Oh my goodness, your freckles and your lovely nose. But what’s more adorable than your physical qualities are surely your other traits… Gah, when you would speak in that cute voice… and kiss me! and snuggle. And you are so smart! It makes such a difference to date someone intelligent. I can’t even begin to describe your creativity, either. And you are just so odd.. Such an interesting person from the beginning. That’s why I liked you at first. I found you interesting.

I had so much fun with you. We were so comfortable together. I’ll never forget the car rides, or being in the attic, or at your house when your mother was gone… And I do not regret staying with you for awhile in college. That was a great choice although it made me upset at times. I feel like we got much closer, in a way. We made a lot of wonderful memories… You were definitely the best boyfriend I ever had, there’s no competition. You are just.. such a great person. You really are. I’m glad I got to spend as much time with you as I did. Thank you, honestly.

Please, please, please. Do not dwell on this. You deserve to be enjoying school, and life. (:

I know I said I would make a long post tonight...
[ Posted Mon, 14 Nov 2011 03:24:01 ]

but… I haven’t finished my homework yet, and I am super tired. I’m so sorry. ): I know you want to read it. I just. I can’t do it right now. But I will. I will, and it will be good.

distractions.
[ Posted Mon, 14 Nov 2011 02:42:32 ]

I’m sorry I wasn’t answering your texts. I just wanted a constant distraction, and so I wasn’t paying attention to my phone until you called. I just. I need to be distracted. As soon as John left, I just started crying and shit. I haven’t even done my homework yet… I just want more distractions. I’m sorry I worried you. ): I don’t know what to do. I know I’m probably not feeling as bad as you are, because I heal quicker, but I still wish to distract…

Oct 2011 - Nov 2011

I'm sad.
[ Posted Sun, 13 Nov 2011 14:29:51 ]

and I can’t type about it because I’ve had no chance to be alone, which is a good and bad thing. I found some wifi without a security key at this tennis place, so that’s a plus. But I’m still in the car with my mom, and I can’t sit here crying and typing at my sister’s tennis match… So I continue with the making of posts that say I am going to make better posts. xD

I know it all happened fast and unexpectedly. I just. got it in my head and it wouldn’t get out. All night long, on my birthday. But I’ll stop there, I wish to elaborate greatly.

Until next time~

I don't know what to do.
[ Posted Sat, 12 Nov 2011 19:22:28 ]

I’m sad. I don’t think it’s good hanging out with you, because it just makes me want to hug you and kiss you and not be apart from you. But I want to hang out with you.

I will write a much longer post when I am alone and not busy… >.< Going to smoke weed now.

Fuck shit
[ Posted Fri, 11 Nov 2011 08:03:22 ]

they better have pears for breakfast

boyfriends ruin birthdays.
[ Posted Fri, 11 Nov 2011 06:47:53 ]

They always have, and I’m sure they always will.

One might ask, why are you posting on tumblr at 6:45 in the morning.

WHY INDEED.

Perhaps I did not go to sleep at all last night. Perhaps I simply laid there and flailed. Perhaps my eyes hurt very badly. And I have a chemistry test that I need to do great on in a few hours. It is also MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY.

But it’s not important that I sleep on my birthday, oh no. It’s important that you sleep on my birthday.

Tagged with: /sarcasm

It's my birthday.
[ Posted Fri, 11 Nov 2011 02:24:46 ]

I’m still miserable. I still am receiving no attention. I still want all the drugs.

-supposed to go to sleep at twelve-
[ Posted Tue, 08 Nov 2011 23:55:06 ]

-begins writing paper at twelve instead-

x)

Talking to people who are tripping > Writing a paper that is part of an exam grade
[ Posted Tue, 08 Nov 2011 23:19:02 ]

HOLY SHIT
[ Posted Tue, 08 Nov 2011 00:16:29 ]

I JUST REALIZED.

When we coke and smoke, WE CAN MAKEOUT. >D >D >D >D

THAT’S SO EXCITING!

I AM SO EXCITED! YIPEEEE!

I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE LISTEN
[ Posted Mon, 07 Nov 2011 20:42:32 ]

Next time I am high,
[ Posted Mon, 07 Nov 2011 15:54:35 ]

I am going to listen to Such Great Heights with EAR BUDS. Because it like. bounces. xD I am listening to it now, and it was just so cool xD I was like PUT ON MY HIGH LIST. I still wish to spend an entire high in a forest one day xD Not when it is cold though…

Zacry is asleep
[ Posted Sun, 06 Nov 2011 00:55:37 ]

and super duper adorable

I feel tired.
[ Posted Sun, 06 Nov 2011 00:02:54 ]

But not sleepy.

I also almost feel that young, innocent, happy-about-life feeling I sometimes get, but this time it has more to do with Zac than it has before. But it isn’t quite there… maybe it will be there when I combine the two elements, friends and weed plus Zac.

I’ve always wanted to be like Peter Pan.

Reblog this if you love marijuana.
[ Posted Fri, 04 Nov 2011 21:10:27 ]

CHARLOTTE
[ Posted Wed, 02 Nov 2011 05:23:17 ]

Y U SO MAD

It's not just about women though,
[ Posted Wed, 02 Nov 2011 02:57:52 ]

it’s about nearly everybody. How can what seems like the majority of people be oppressed? That’s terrible. Fucking terrible… So many people have to live in fear of violence. So many people are not allowed to do certain things. AND IT’S ACCEPTABLE. IT’S FUCKIN A-OKAY HERE. Holy shit. shit shit shit. I can’t do this. I get very upset about these things.

Tagged with: I'm fucking emotional as shit

bandages:

looking at the feminism tag either empowers me or angers me
right now its both

It definitely usually makes me pretty FUCKIN angry. Or rather, upset. That is a better word.

That reading
[ Posted Wed, 02 Nov 2011 02:52:09 ]

was fucking horrible.

I did not enjoy reading it at all. It just makes me despise people in general. It’s just.. it’s fucking terrible! Talking about all the different forms of oppression, and all of the groups who are oppressed… exploitation, marginalization, powerlessness, culture imperialism, violence.

Goddammit. People say that in today’s world, all people are equal. But they are not even close! Oh my god… the things that people do… the ways in which they oppress others, the reasons… I don’t want to write a fucking paper on this, I want to cry my eyes out.

Tagged with: I don't want to live in this world

Maybe tumblr needs a dislike button too.
[ Posted Tue, 01 Nov 2011 02:21:11 ]

xP

I sincerely wish
[ Posted Mon, 31 Oct 2011 04:42:02 ]

that I could just say ‘fuck it’, and not write this fyec paper. Why have I never been able to do that? On ungraded assignments, I can easily say fuck it. Yet, I always do everything that will be graded. Why? I know it does not matter. I do not believe that completing these assignments has any value. Yet, I do them. Why? It’s like I’m trapped.

I would rather still be crying than doing this. It isn’t even difficult. I just don’t want to do it, because it’s stupid. I am not gaining any knowledge by completing this task. So why the fuck am I doing it?

Goddammit, if only I could answer my own questions.

I also hate everyone.
[ Posted Mon, 31 Oct 2011 03:20:35 ]

Not to mention I have spent over two hours on three chemistry problems because I can’t seem to accept the fact that I will never get them right, and take an 80 for a homework grade (I got one of them right a bit ago). I fucking need a 100. NEED. NEEEEEEEEEED it. I’m not getting an A in any of my classes. I have no idea what I am going to do. To keep my scholarship I need to get all As and Bs. If I start out with all Bs, during EASY FRESHMEN classes, how the fuck can I expect my grades to go up from there? This cannot be happening.. I have never gotten straight Bs before in my life.

I still need to do french and fyec. But instead I will just continue to cry about chemistry and how terrible I am at everything.

I also don’t want facebook to exist.

I also really dislike Halloween, but I will elaborate when I have more time.

WHY THE FUCK AM I SO FUCKING STUPOUDESF / DSFDSFSU FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCKF DFUDKCXGDHCXdfxgdkjx gfdsxdghv zkjvh kjfhdx GODDAMMIT IT’S FRUSTRATING TO BE UNABLE TO EXPRESS ONE’S FEELINGS WITH THE WRITTEN WORD. WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT.

My stomach hurts.
[ Posted Mon, 31 Oct 2011 01:15:00 ]

I want to cry. I want to sleep. I want to not be here. I want to be intelligent. but I’m not.

I don’t know exactly what I am trying to accomplish when I tell people I am good at Math and Science, when I am clIearly not. Do I want to seem smarter? Do I want to pretend I am smarter? Lie to myself, make myself believe it? I think that must be what I have done. I don’t know how I am going to major in chemistry when I am stupid as fuck.

FUCK. KILL ME .

I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT.

I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want anybody. I don’t want to be unhappy, but I continue to make myself unhappy. I don’t want to live, but I am anyways. I guess I don’t want to die that badly. I mean, it isn’t even that I want to die. I just don’t want to live… I actually have a small fear that there is some sort of afterlife. I desperately do not want one. I was talking to Richard about death today. He thinks there is some sort of afterlife, but definitely not exactly like heaven and hell. He was saying how do ghosts exist if there is nothing after death, and stuff like that. And I just keep thinking about it, and if there is something after death, that is JUST like being immortal. I don’t want to be anywhere NEAR that fucking word. That is a terrible word, a terrible thought. Being immortal is just about the worst thing I have ever fucking heard of in my entire life. I JUST WANT IT TO END. Why can’t it just end. Why can’t you just not exist anymore. GONE. DONE. I am fucking done when I die. I want no part in anything further, goddammit. I am almost afraid of dying for the fact that I could find out that there is something else. I just.. I don’t want anymore. I want it to be over.

I have been having many emotional issues recently, it seems. Where I prefer it when Zac does not reply to any of my issues not concerning him, it frightens me a little bit that he has said nothing about the multiple posts about him. Because I don’t know what to do. My emotions are crazy. I’m crazy. I’m upset too often. I cry too much. And I feel like I have no one. But I should feel like I have someone. But I don’t feel like I do. And that is not a good thing at all..

You know, I do post here for a reason. I could just as easily post all of this in my private blog. I would actually prefer that, but I thought that you prefer to read my thoughts. But if you are just going to ignore me, I might as well post in a more secure place, where everything is more organized and easily searchable.

I think that
[ Posted Mon, 31 Oct 2011 01:05:19 ]

I will probably have to marry someone antisocial.

If someone asked me how my night was
[ Posted Sun, 30 Oct 2011 01:28:48 ]

in relation to the people who came through/my level of exhaustion, I would have said it was a pretty good night. Walking to and from was not fun because of the cold, but Ed stayed in my box tonight for more than an hour, so I wasn’t even doing much then. xD And this girl in the break room who was a volunteer was complaining about how he told her she wasn’t doing anything (he’s the talent coach), and I told her that was his job? And then I told Ed, and we bitched about her for a long time, and it was fun. xD There were not many people, so I did not get super tired. My feet still hurt, but that is inevitable.

However, basically the whole night besides when Ed was giving me company, I did not have a good night at all, psychologically. I was thinking of my definition of jealousy. I was also thinking of how when women act how I do, men don’t like it and sometimes leave. Combine those together, and you get a crying Vittoria who is still somehow scaring the heck out of people.

I’ve never worried about Zac not liking me before. I know that when Michelle was on BC, she was always worried about being too nagging and stuff to Sam, because she didn’t want him to stop liking her. This is an extremely legitimate worry that I now possess.

Last night, Richard’s mom was talking about going dancing. She said she loved to go dancing, and she dances with all the boys, gets them all excited, and then leaves them. xD She told me I need to do that, because it’s really fun. I told her I usually have a boyfriend, but I will probably do that when I am single. :P But she was like oh no, you can do that with a boyfriend (I was like D: )! You just don’t tell him! You go to a club with your girlfriends, and tell him you’re having a girls night out! And I told her no way, I would feel bad, and my boyfriend wouldn’t go dancing with other girls. AND SHE LAUGHED. And she said if he got an opportunity to dance with another girl, he would.

Richard’s mommy, why you make me all paranoid? D:

Tagged with: AND SHE CALLED ME INNOCENT D<

I don't know what to do.
[ Posted Sat, 29 Oct 2011 02:34:58 ]

I knew it would end up being like this. I knew it. And yet, somehow, I tricked myself into believing you. Instead of expecting what I had originally thought this would be like, I expected what you said would happen. What you said would change.

With all of the relationship experience I have, you would think that by now I would know not to believe such things that people say, but apparently don’t mean. I take everything you say as true, because everything I tell you is true. I do that for pretty much all of my friends. Michelle always tells me not to trust anyone, and that everyone is a liar. I always tell myself I should listen to the wise Michelle….

I’m sorry. I know you are off in your happyland, doing art and spending all your time with new friends who dress like slutty cowgirls. Really, for the longest time my goals in a relationship seemed to be to make the other person happy, and mostly (or totally) ignore my own feelings. I mean, I never wanted to bother you with my unhappiness before. So why now? I’m not sure. Now that I have started, I cannot stop. Whenever I would complain about the problems I was having with you during high school/summer, everyone, and I mean everyone would tell me I just needed to talk to you. Communication. Yeah, well we see how well that one worked out for me…

So why must I continue? I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how often I have talked to you about this. mentioned it. anything. You told me that things would be different than they are now. You lied to me.

Instead of spending your break with me, you spend it painting bricks and talking about star wars and flirting and who knows what else with someone else. You didn’t even try to see me. I’m just. I am baffled. But of course, I suppose you don’t like me as much as I thought you did.

See, the thing with my definition of the word ‘jealousy’ when it comes to relationships may be a bit different from the standard definition. With relationships, I think of jealousy as something you feel when you believe your significant other likes someone else, or is interested in someone else, or anything close to that. I’m not jealous. I know you like me, and not anyone else. I’m not worried about that. What I don’t know, is how much you like me, because you obviously never want to see me. But you seem to want to see everybody else. You seem to have time for everybody else except me. This is really just something I cannot comprehend. And you haven’t explained it to me yet. That leaves zero chances of me somehow guessing what is going through your crazy boy mind…

I just. I don’t know what to fucking do. I can’t deal with this. I can’t deal with this lack of attention, I can’t deal with the attention going to other people that aren’t me, I can’t deal with not being a part of your life. I just. I don’t know how you can do it. “It’s okay that we aren’t seeing each other for one weekend, we have done it before.” Just because we have done it before, doesn’t mean I like it? Do you really enjoy that? Are you really content with not being with me? I can’t… I can’t keep doing this Zac. I honestly cannot understand how you do what you are doing. Is that what makes you happy? Not seeing me often? Not paying me attention? Having better things to do than deal with me?

You. know. what.

Fuck all that shit. I just realized something. I am going to be fucking unhappy no matter what. I would rather be unhappy with you, than without you.

Tagged with: that last thing sounds like the kind of thinking that goes on when I am high, I should get high more often. xP

I would actually enjoy sleeping at this moment
[ Posted Fri, 28 Oct 2011 02:34:00 ]

So that I will not wake up three minutes before my first class starts. But who am I kidding? Am I going to go to sleep? No. Am I going to be late/almost late for calculus tomorrow morning? Certainly.

As it turns out, they have changed the requirements for a chemistry major. Now, instead of CHEM 122, I must take CHEM 200. SURPRISE, IT’S AT THE SAME TIME AS CONVERSATION FRENCH. Oh, joy. I am going to try and convince madame to let me take civilization first, because there is no way I want to wait another year to take conversation (It’s only offered in the spring, I believe). I need to take at least one french class every semester, if I ever hope to get even close to mastering the language. What the fuck is up with this schedule business. If I can’t take french, at least I can knock my sociology requirement out of the way with disabilities in america. Of course, I may be able to convince the registrar that I should be allowed to take five classes… but I doubt it. >.> BUT I NEED FRENCH. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I can’t take any other chem classes without 200. I don’t think I can take much without conversation french though… I don’t think conversation is required for civ though. BUT THEN WHAT SHALL I DO NEXT FALL FOR FRENCH. FUCK. Why doesn’t anything work out for me?

I am having multiple problems at one time, as always. I am sick of this.

But, if I was happy all the time, wouldn’t that be boring? Sort of like how heaven sounds to me, I suppose.

That’s just fucked up. Reminds me of The Matrix when Smith explains how they tried to make a utopia as the matrix at first, but the human minds could not process it. They could not accept such a happy, problem-free world. I suppose that would be true, if it were to ever happen.

But still. That’s fucked up.

But okay, it’s impossible, especially for me, to be happy all the time. But lets say I was happy a lot of the time. Wouldn’t that be almost the same? Wouldn’t it sort of be like a limit, where I was approaching happiness all the time, so that the result is the same as if I was happy all the time?

SO THE WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT. WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE.

Oh fuck! I don’t even know what to do anymore! What can I do? What am I doing? I suppose I am attempting to go through life how I am ‘supposed’ to. I don’t think it’s working out too well.

I was high today, and I went out on the swings. I did not actually swing very much, but instead felt how wonderful it was to be outside. I watched the leaves swirl as they fell from the trees in the wind that was passing through. It was all very peaceful, when I realized how alone I was. I thought to myself, that this was how my life would forever be. I don’t like it. I don’t like being alone. But I am rather picky about the people who I wish to be with so that I am not alone. And yet, I feel no connection. It is as if I am using them all for distraction, constant distraction because that is what I seem to want. to crave, even. Is it worth living, to be alive, only so that I am distracted and cannot think about my true, unhappy thoughts? What kind of life is worth living if all that exists are constant distractions? What kind is worth living if all that exists is misery? I have no escape, I have nothing besides these two options. The things that occur in my life are either a distraction, or the upsetting truth. Most things I would consider a distraction. Distractions can of course occur while I am miserable, that simply means the distraction is not very good… But really, I can’t think to classify anything I do into one of those two categories. Distraction and thought. Unhappy thought. Very unhappy thought.

I don’t want to be late to math class tomorrow. I want to go to sleep. Wake up. Pack my shit, get dressed. Perhaps eat breakfast. Go to math class, and NOT fall asleep. Because I usually do, and I feel very rude, although I know everything we are learning about anyways.

Sometimes I feel like even some of the feelings I feel are distractions. Even if some of those feelings are not good, they still aren’t worse than what I feel overall, about living. It’s like, I feel upset, but it’s about a trivial matter so it can’t make me feel as miserable as I usually do. Although, I don’t know. Because when I am upset about something trivial, it usually leads to something much bigger, something like what I usually think about when I am depressed. Like what just happened in this post.

Fuckity fuck fuck.

I will never find a solution, or reason, to any of this.

Tagged with: I can't sleep when I am more miserable than normal

I was talking to Sam last night
[ Posted Fri, 28 Oct 2011 02:07:42 ]

He said he was tempted to transfer to Marymount. He is quite happy I convinced Michelle to come down for my birthday, because she wasn’t planning to come until Thanksgiving. Poor, poor Sam. We discussed how much better it would be if him, Michelle, Zac, and I attended the same school.

But wait. It’s actually a lot of fun to not feel a part of someone’s life.

Tagged with: /sarcasm

Unhappy.
[ Posted Fri, 28 Oct 2011 01:54:54 ]

All the time.

Why do I even bother.

When I am upset with you
[ Posted Thu, 27 Oct 2011 20:34:30 ]

You should probably not argue with me about how you were in the right. You should probably agree with me about how you were wrong.

Just throwing that out there.

I'm high.
[ Posted Thu, 27 Oct 2011 01:50:04 ]

So, I want to cry about how much I like Zac instead of how upset I am at him.

XD

lol marijuana, you’re silly. !

A whole shit ton of my least favorite things.
[ Posted Thu, 27 Oct 2011 01:24:00 ]

Miya
Everything you do with any girl that isn’t me (I’m not saying don’t hang out with them. You of course can, but not alone. Even though I know you do that one too. Don’t fucking tell me, GODDAMMIT. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT ANYMORE)
Your college tumblr (I like it, but my feelings don’t). At first, I suppose I viewed your college blog as another blog for me. I mean, it was obviously for you, but I also felt as if it were for me, if you understand what that means.? I soon started to feel differently. It did not feel as if it were for me anymore at all, it felt like it was for everyone else except me. I continue to feel this way. I love seeing your work, don’t get me wrong. I’m just a selfish bitch, I suppose. One who doesn’t feel like she is a very big part of your life.
ALL THE GIRLS
in the world
VCU
The fact that you have allergies. I fucking love trees. Your allergies are stupid.
My life. har har har I had to be cliche. Okay, just kidding. MY MIND
Mostly everyone at RMC
Mostly everyone in the world
Especially myself
Money. Just the fact that everyone is so dependent on it, even me. It’s like. disgusting. Ugh. I’m disgusted by the amount of things I buy with said money. I can’t stand what I have become.
Not being able to smoke whenever I want to
Existing
Being a girl
When you don’t talk to me
Which is all the time
The amount of things I dislike
The reasons behind my least favorite things - there are none
Not having an NES to play Crystalis, because I don’t have it on my emulator either. D:
The fact that I am upset about not owning a game.
Goddamn materialistic crap. And yet, I seem to want it all. Disgusting, that’s what I am. SICK
Miya. It’s a good thing I consider her not very attractive. Of course, I probably consider myself more attractive than I should. I am very egotistical about my looks.
The balance of me liking my face/hair as opposed to me detesting my mind/feelings/etc. What the fuck is up with that.
This list could go on forever!
It just might.
When I was planning to write this a few days ago, I had a whole list of things having to do with Zac that I disliked and was planning to tell him. I know I missed a lot, but I can’t even remember them right now. Too much going on. Too little importance.
All the sudden, just like that, I don’t feel quite as bad as I did before. I am heading off to smoke some weed, bitches.

Side note: I like Zac quite a lot. Much more so then I could ever think about. Because it’s a feeling, not a thought… It’s the things that he does that I don’t quite agree with. Then again, my version of a relationship seems to be much different from many, many other people’s….

I AM GOING TO GET STONED AND WATCH CRYSTALIS VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE BECAUSE I HAVE NO LIFE . And probably eat food and get fat.

One of my favorite things
[ Posted Thu, 27 Oct 2011 00:52:42 ]

(honestly, this is not sarcasm) that Zacry does, is not ever reply to my very depressing posts, or my posts about not living long. I really do appreciate it. I don’t know why I wish for him to remain silent, but I do. I don’t want him to get involved in those thoughts, I suppose. But who knows? Not me, of course. I know almost nothing about my own mind.

I'm not sure
[ Posted Thu, 27 Oct 2011 00:47:22 ]

What I’m doing here. Or what matters. Or why I feel the way I do. Or what matters.

When I think about it, really think about it, I really believe that nothing matters. And I wish to know something that matters, and how you decide what things are important and why and how you do this, and I really just have so many questions that will forever be unanswered, because I highly doubt my older self will discover the answer to them. That is a terrible sentence with too many commas. Is that important? No. Is the fact that I don’t know what matters important? No.

If I were to ask such a question like, does it matter that Miya made my Zac a bowtie instead of me, I would answer no. Of course that is of unimportance. Although this is true, why do I feel the way I do? If I were to ask, does it matter that Zac ignores me all day long every day, I would naturally answer no. Yet, I feel in a way that does not correspond to my thoughts, and thus I am confused.

I think that’s really what gets me. My thoughts do not correspond to my feelings. or my actions. It seems like all three are disconnected. Sometimes I act in ways I do not think are meaningful or acceptable, and sometimes I act in ways that my feelings do not match my actions. I’m broken. This happens all the time.

Although, my feelings do match up with my thoughts a lot, especially about sad things.

I was going to make you a bowtie for christmas. Hand sew it and everything. It was going to be special. But now, it wouldn’t be. So I am not going to. It doesn’t bother me that my decision seems childish, because the moment you said she made you a bowtie, the connection that I have with your bowties was lost. Gone. I don’t expect you to understand such trivial matters, because you never do. You don’t understand why what may seem ‘small’ actions to you seem much larger to me. Of course, both of us are then confused to why these actions you do are important, and I truthfully couldn’t answer if you asked me. Because I don’t consider anything important. It is sort of the same deal with going to a museum with another girl. First of all, you should’t be hanging out with just one other girl, and especially not to a place where we went together, to celebrate something special. Once again, I cannot tell you the meaning behind my feelings, because my mind does not support them.

This may sound contradicting to many people, but I have now figured out that my feelings tend to somehow function much separately from my mind, so much that they contradict each other from time to time. I certainly am not okay with this, but because there is nothing to do about it, I shall accept it and confuse anyone who reads these. Which is mostly Zac. Or at least, I think he reads them. How should I know what he does anymore? It isn’t like I am very involved with his life.

It isn’t like I am very involved with anyone’s life. Not even really my own.

I don’t think I can get high tonight. I really believe I will continue to sob, because it isn’t like I have stopped yet. Why would I stop when I was high? What happened the night before Zac went to college reminds me that weed can in no way stop me from crying. If I am destined to weep all night long, then that is what will happen, whether I am high or sober. But I would really fucking like to.

Yeah, I don’t think I’ll live long.

Woe is me
[ Posted Thu, 27 Oct 2011 00:28:51 ]

Woe woe woe woe woe.

That is quite an odd word. If you look at a word long enough, or often enough, the letters start to look strange, almost foreign. This happens to me a lot. I wish I could say why.

I am very unhappy
[ Posted Thu, 27 Oct 2011 00:25:13 ]

and I don’t think it will ever stop.

Goddammit
[ Posted Thu, 27 Oct 2011 00:17:16 ]

Now I don’t even know if I can smoke. Because if I do, I will probably just weep. And that is not a good time when I am high. It’s just fucking weird feeling. But I’m pretty sure it will happen. But I would really like to smoke some fucking weed. Maybe I’ll watch a Miyazaki movie or something. That should distract me. Or perhaps I will sob the night away…

Tagged with: it's probably the latter, fuck

All alone.
[ Posted Wed, 26 Oct 2011 23:54:26 ]

forever.

Hmmmm
[ Posted Wed, 26 Oct 2011 22:43:00 ]

I have no friends, and I seem to be unaffected by this. Because I found that so odd, I tried to be sad about this fact. But I’m not… I mean, I do have friends, they just aren’t at Randolph-Macon. But I feel like I should want to have friends there. But I don’t. xD I just want Zac.

But he isn’t paying me any attention. doesn’t want me. So I am going to smoke weed and feel better. xD cry all night long.

Tagged with: editing this makes it more true, even though it was already true

The smell
[ Posted Mon, 24 Oct 2011 23:50:44 ]

in this room is making me sick. And making me have a headache. and my internet is being super fucking retarded, so I have to be plugged into the thing, I can’t use the wireless. I just want to punch Randolph Macon’s internet.

I have choir songs stuck in my head.

I think one of the big reasons I like Ewan McGregor so much is because Zac does.

I wanna lay in my bed, but the cord doesn’t reach. D< I will probably get off the internet soon, because I don’t feel like being at my desk.

I just want to talk to Zac. I’m tired. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT I WANT. Because I don’t know. And sometimes I don’t care. And sometimes I think I don’t want to do anything. Sometimes I realize that some of the things that I think don’t really match up. Fuck.

Someone was playing a ukulele outside in the courtyard today. I told him about that asian guy that we watched on youtube. There seems to be many things that remind me of you.

I really enjoyed watching The Matrix today. I seriously forgot how fucking cool that movie is. I remember the other ones not being as great though…

I may watch Star Wars tonight. THE NEW ONES. :O

I started writing this post with a purpose in mind, but apparently I forgot it. xP DAMMIT. Oh well. I give up. xP

My stomach hurts.
[ Posted Mon, 24 Oct 2011 00:54:01 ]

So does my head. And my feeeeet.

So, Anthony isn’t my friend anymore. It’s alright though, because I am not so keen on having twelve year old girls as friends anyways.

Michelle’s mom decided to bring her home tonight, so she doesn’t have to ride the train tomorrow. Instead of riding back with Anthony and having Michelle meet me there, I decide to ride with Michelle and her mom and I told Anthony he could go home without us. Then he gets all butthurt, and texts me saying I need a ride for next weekend, because he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. xD

First of all, who does that kind of shit over a text? And second of all, who the fuck does that shit anyways? XD I DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE THE KIND OF PERSON YOU ARE. I wonder, what kind of person I am… I wasn’t aware I had a ‘kind’. I do agree that I am not the best person ever, as I don’t even like myself.. But the ‘kind’ of person I am, that’s a tricky one. I hate when people have to be all immature and do things over text. Man up and do this shit in person. Texting drama is one of my pet peeves.

However, I am really more peeved about the fact that he owes me five dollars and refuses to pay me. I suppose I have learned my lesson about being generous with my money. Five dollars a weekend is way too much to pay someone who is not going out of their way at all to take you somewhere, but I thought it would be a nice thing to do. I guess it didn’t ‘pay’ off. ha ha ha. xP

Ah well. I’m not missing out on much. I don’t think I’m too cut out for having friends at R-MC. I’ve never really felt the desire before this to have ‘me’ time, but I suppose that is what I feel now. I am always so busy with school, and I just want to go to my room and do nothing. I want to hang out with Zac. I like going over Mally’s house. But there’s nothing else to do, really. I don’t know. I feel like being alone, when I have the time.

I reallllly want my sister to go to R-MC, so we can live in an apartment. That would be freaking wonderful. I could have everything I wanted. It would be like living on my own, and going to school at the same time. Although my parents are paying for most of my expenses… xP Hehe. It gives me the opportunity to save up for future expenses! I may work at KD as a lifeguard over the summer, so I have an excellent chance to be a Haunt supervisor next year. If we got an apartment, I would learn to drive, no matter how scary it is. I need to do it. Living like that, on our own, would be very good for us, I think. Goddammit! It would just be so nice! I can already tell I will be disappointed if she chooses George Mason. =/

I was kinda
[ Posted Sun, 23 Oct 2011 23:33:36 ]

looking forward to staying up all night with Michelle. But, this is much more convenient. I really do enjoy going to Mally’s house and sleeping over. It just makes me feel like that’s how we are all going to end up; living in the same house together because it makes rent way cheaper. It doesn’t sound that bad to me. It doesn’t sound bad at all. Constant distraction, and good ones at that.

I don’t like when Zac does things with other girls that he should do with me, if only I was there. I think that’s why it upsets me. Because I should be with Zac. I should be there to do those things with him. Go to the art museum, paint stolen bricks, run around everywhere, and whatever else they all do. Even just normal things, like watching everything Ewan Mcgregor. I want to be young with him. Do all the things that we do in our youth.. That’s what’s missing. That’s why it seems so far away. I just want to do everything with him, I want to share everything…

I really don’t want to do my homework. I’m not looking forward to this, now that Michelle isn’t here… It was going to be fun. And now it won’t be, because I have to go to sleep, and wake up at 8. WOOHOO.

I wish someone was awake at 4:30 am.
[ Posted Fri, 21 Oct 2011 04:27:06 ]

Or rather, I wish that I wasn’t.

LIFE
[ Posted Fri, 21 Oct 2011 03:51:42 ]

WHAT AM I DOING WITH YOU

Tagged with: LIFE, GODDAMN YOU

IF I HAVE TO TAKE
[ Posted Thu, 20 Oct 2011 19:06:50 ]

ALL OF THESE FUCKING HARD CLASSES, AND BASICALLY FIVE CLASSES A SEMESTER,

I REALLY FUCKING NEED TO BE ABLE TO SMOKE WEED.

PLEASE ENA. COME TO RANDOLPH MACON SO WE CAN HAVE AN APARTMENT SO I CAN SMOKE WEED. FUCKKKK PLEASEEEE I NEED IT! D:

I just want to minor in three things.
[ Posted Thu, 20 Oct 2011 17:25:00 ]

Why can’t I do that? xD I don’t want to major. GODDAMMIT. TOO MUCH.

I don’t think I could major in math, it’s really hard. And, what would I do with that?

I don’t think I could major in chemistry, it’s really hard.

Majoring in french? What would I even do with that, if it were possible FOR me to do that. I suck too much.

Truthfully, the other day I was going insane because I knew I had done really bad on my chemistry exam. I was like what the fuck, I can’t major in this, if I can’t even get straight As in the GENERAL CHEMISTRY class. Then in Chemistry lab, A few of my classmates and I were discussing the test. The lab assistant, who is a chemistry major student, jumped in and spoke directly to me about my concerns. I told her how all I did on one problem was make one thing negative and the other positive when they were supposed to be the other way around, and I got four points off. I think I am used to math class, where you get most of the points if you show you KNOW HOW to do the problem correctly, even if you messed up on a few small things. That wasn’t my only problem on the test, but it was the one I thought that was graded most unfairly. I also told her my fears of being unable to succeed in other chemistry classes when I wasn’t doing the best in gen chem. She somehow knew I was thinking of majoring in chemistry, but I don’t know how she knew that. xD CREEPIN.

Anyways, when she (if only I could remember her name!) was talking to me, she told me how you don’t even need to remember everything from gen chem, because in advanced classes they do short reviews before going over new stuff. They don’t just expect you to remember it all. Also, she told me of a story of a girl who got a C- in gen chem, but went on to be a chem major, and had the highest GPA of all the other chem majors. I’m usually not so inspired when other people try to cheer me up, but it was the manor in which she spoke, I suppose, that gave me much more hope. I am not so discouraged any longer…

I’m certainly not going to get a C, but trying to get an A is going to be very, very hard with my last test grade. I’ve calculated many ways to see how I would be able to bring up my grade to an A. The thing is, I have to get a really good grade on the final exam. I mean, I could get a high B on the exam and I believe still get an A, but that is going to be super hard. I am fucking terrible at final exams. In high school I didn’t really give a fuck, because they are only 1/7th of your grade, and they weren’t THAT hard, except math. xP But college exams count for more, and they are just as hard as my math ones were.

Also, lab. What the fuck. I got a 9/10 on my last one because I forgot to write a fucking conclusion. Why the fuck am I so retarded? xD Those are the kinds of things I do to cause me to get low grades. I do stupid fucking shit because I don’t pay attention, and my mind is on other things. I have difficulty focusing. I wish I could have aderall. xD My friend across the hall was telling me about it, and she said that she got a prescription for it and it’s amazing and super helpful. I’m so fucking jealous. xD I’ve always wanted to try and get some, but I’ve never been to the doctors by myself. She said it’s easier to get it from a therapist, but I don’t wanna have one of those. :P GODDAMMIT. WANT DRUGS.

So basically, I have to try and get all 10s for the rest of my labs. Because for one lab, I forgot the uncertainty analysis, and got a 9/10. AND THAT LAB COUNTED TWICE FUCK. Really, I did uncertainty analysis, I just mixed it in with everything else and didn’t have a separate section for it BUT APPARENTLY THAT’S WRONG. Dammit. Lab counts as 20%, but I’m pretty sure I can get the grade I need to in that. The real problems are the final exam, and the next two in-class exams. If I can just get high Bs or low As on both of those exams, then I can manage a low B in the final exam, as long as I have a pretty solid A in lab. Because with homework and quizzes, I have a super fucking high A, so that should really help me. That’s 20%. The problem is, the in class exams are 40%. and I fucking fucked up on the last one. GODAMMIT. It bothers me SO incredibly much that one exam may cause me to get a fucking B in this class. I DON’T WANT A B. I WANT AN AAAAA. AN AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I want ALL OF THE AS



FUCK
[ Posted Thu, 20 Oct 2011 03:42:00 ]

I just. I just like you so goddamn much! I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I feel how I feel. About everything, not just attention. I’m sorry I’m so fucking miserable and depressed and negative. I just. GODDAMMIT.

I don’t know what to do. I mean, I definitely don’t NOT want to be with you. I want to be with you. I want to be with you too much, and that is sometimes the problem.

I think it’s my own fault. I think I need friends, I think I need weed. I don’t have either of those things here, really. I mean, I do. I have friends, I just don’t hang out with them, which is my own fault. It’s something I can’t explain. It’s not exactly that I don’t want to hang out with them, I just never do?

And I just. I want somewhere to smoke weed. I didn’t realize this was going to be such an issue at college. I’m not addicted or anything, but it would really help me out. I’m more miserable than I thought I would be, here, and I want to make it all better. I was thinking again today how if I made a suicide note, a great big chunk of it would be about weed. So hopefully someone would read it, and be enlightened or some shit, and to try and help my family understand…

But now I’m getting off track. I started this post to talk about how much I liked you, but it didn’t turn out how I planned it to. xD

Alright, here’s the thing. I don’t feel like that shit all the time. I mean, I don’t feel neglected all the time. Even when you are neglecting me, sometimes I seem okay with it. I don’t know why it just gets to me sometimes. I mean, it gets to me a lot more often than I post about it, but I feel the need to post about it when it gets really bad. But that’s only for a little? Like even before you came back from being out with da boyz I was okay again.. I just want you to know it isn’t a continuous feeling, it more comes in spurts and such. Which makes it a little more bearable, but still not desirable. Sometimes the ‘spurts’ last a long time, too, it just depends…

I just. fuck, man. I like you so much, and I don’t even know why. I know that’s bad. I’m sorry. I could say you are really fucking adorable, you’re intelligent and creative, which are all true things, but they aren’t why I like you so much. I JUST DON’T KNOW WHY. XD I know I’ve said something on this subject before… I just, I can’t explain my feelings towards you, or why I have them. Which is irritating, because I want you to feel this. I want you to know. I want you to feel my feelings, to understand how I feel towards you. I think that would make things so much better…

Now I don’t know what to talk about. I should go to bed. XD I just. I want you to know how much I like you, but I can’t get you to understand… It’s a difficult thing, emotion. ANYWAYS GOODNIGHT DEAR. I’M SORRY I’M CRAZY.

….crazy for you! ;D

I'm sorry.
[ Posted Thu, 20 Oct 2011 01:12:00 ]

For being all clingy and shit. and needy. and demanding all of the attention. I really, really am. But do you understand why I do it? The less attention you pay me, the more I want it. The more I am going to bother you, and be upset, and whine, and be a bad girlfriend.

I’m not mad right now, but I wanted to just type some stuff out. What has been happening recently (not extremely recently, I’m talking about shortly after we started college.) is exactly the reason I broke up with you before we went to college. For awhile there, you had me going. You had proved me wrong. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment, or the exact action that you took to change things. It didn’t happen like that, it didn’t happen in one instant with one thing that you did. It did happen fairly early, however… But I’ve already described this in previous posts, and that’s not exactly what I came here to write about anyways.

Honestly, there were days during the summer where I felt sincerely justified in wishing to end it early. If you acted like that when we had all the time in the world, then how could I expect you to act any differently when we had no time at all? In those days, I was almost happy that I wouldn’t be getting upset about being neglected anymore.

I’ve never had a very good balance of attention in relationships. Omar liked me more than I liked him, and wanted more attention than I could provide. Trust me, if I was like Omar was, you wouldn’t be able to stand me. I am nothing compared to him, because I have tried to learn from other’s mistakes, but apparently that still hasn’t gotten me what I wanted. I suppose the closest to a balance would be with Hunter, but then again, we were young and everything that came out of his mouth was a lie, so how do I know? I probably liked him more than he liked me truthfully, but because I believed all of his bullshit, it felt like a balance. xD (Er, but that isn’t exactly the way to go… I stopped doing that. I did that when I was younger, tell myself what I wanted to believe…) With Jayson, we switched but there was never a balance. For the longest time I liked him more, and yearned for attention that he would not give. Ask me exactly why I liked him more, and I could never tell you the answer… >.> After we broke up and got back together, however, he started being super clingy and obsessive and always wanted to be with me… and I guess that’s when I realized how worthless he was… That’s mean. He’s nice. Sort of. He’s just.. a simpleton. I feel bad for him. xP BUT THAT ISN’T THE POINT. I keep meaning to write a post about pity, but I shall eventually… or have I already? o.O

I suppose the point is (of the above paragraph, at least) that I have never had a truly balanced relationship, and that is really something I would like to have. It’s nearly impossible, though. I can’t make you change how you feel. I can’t make you change what you want. I know you hate it when I say this, but right now I can’t help it… I honestly can’t believe that you like me just as much as I like you when you act the way you do. I can’t do it. It makes no sense in my mind, no matter how much I yearn for it to. I know people have different ways of expressing feelings, but I’m pretty sure neglect has never been a form of showing someone how much you like them.

I know you have school work. I know you have friends. But wait, don’t I have those things too? Perhaps I don’t hang out with friends as much as you do (which actually surprises me. But it’s okay, because they are boys. I mean, you may actually hang out with girls all the time, but I choose not to know so don’t tell me). Perhaps sometimes, your school work means more to you than mine does to me. But those two things don’t give you the excuse to place me so low on your priority list. I can’t believe you didn’t even tell me you had break. But I especially can’t believe that you aren’t utilizing that time to come see me. You have projects to do? Do you think I don’t have homework to do when I come visit you? I’m doing all of the homework I can tomorrow that I know is due Monday, so that I can come see you this weekend. But of course, you can’t do the same for me. I came to see you on my break when you HAD CLASSES, so I didn’t even get to see you the whole time. I don’t even have anything going on tomorrow. We could have spent a whole day together. I could have given you the weekend to work on your homework. I had to fucking force you to let me come over this weekend. You said no, initially. That you had homework. My mother told me that you didn’t want to see me, and I told her that I would come over anyways. We’re gonna spend like FIVE FUCKING HOURS together, how the fuck is that going to hinder you working on your project…

Okay, okay. Michelle just called me and I have calmed down. I apologize, I did began to get a little upset. And I know when I get high (like recently with Mally and Ryan (and Patrick the last time) or even before college with Michelle and others), I don’t really respond to you or talk to you much, but how often is that? I’m not asking you to always drop everything to talk to me (although I pretty much do that for you), but you just.. you can’t keep going the way you are going. You know, even when I come to visit you, sometimes it’s like I’m not even there. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do to get you to BE with me. Really be with me, and I don’t really know how to phrase that in another way…

The worst part is is that you don’t seem to want to want me. I’ve said this a million times, but you still don’t seem to get it. I don’t want you to talk to me because I WANT YOU TO. I want you to talk to me because YOU want me to. That’s why I get upset. But I can’t change that. If I tell you to pay me more attention, and you do, that isn’t because YOU want to. It’s because I want you to. There’s a difference, and boys don’t seem to get this. I don’t know what else to tell you, man. I’ve repeated plenty of these things already, but like I’ve said, there is no way for me to change your feelings. You can’t really do that either, so I don’t know what I am asking of you.

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know why I feel this way. I don’t know why I get so upset with you. I’m not sure why these things affect me so much, because I don’t even know what makes me happy. I can’t say for sure that you paying me attention makes me happy. I don’t even think I can claim to know what happiness is. I don’t know why little things like this bother me when I’m miserable about so many other things already. This just seems like something I should be chill about and not mind too much. But it isn’t, and it confuses me. I don’t know what I wish to gain out of getting attention from you. I suppose this paragraph is sort of contradictory to everything else I have said, but I am just spilling my feelings. Honestly, you giving me what I want probably won’t even make me happy. It may make me less miserable. It would probably create more of a distraction, because I wouldn’t be alone with my thoughts. But I really can’t say it would make me happy, so you know what. Fuck all this. Don’t even listen to me. If I can’t be happy, at least you can. And if you are happy neglecting me, please continue to do so. If you have more important things that make you happier than I make you, please pay more attention than them and not me. Because when I think about it, it’s pointless to give me what I want, because in the end I still won’t be happy.

Fuck that paragraph below this one. I wrote it before, but then I wanted to add stuff in the middle because that one sounded like a good last paragraph. I’m only keeping it there because I did write it, and when I was writing it, I felt what it says I felt. Even if I don’t feel that way at this moment, it’s important to record my feelings, even if it may be confusing to others, or even myself. Just. Fuck this whole fucking post, man. I hope you had a great fucking night, because I certainly didn’t.

I just wanted to let you know, that you are proving me right. You are proving my fears of staying with you during college to be correct. I’m not threatening you or anything, I just want you to know that what I predicted came true. It is a little better than I expected, I will admit that. But I feel as if I am exerting SO MUCH MORE effort into our relationship than you are, and it isn’t the best feeling in the world. And you.. you said you would try your hardest. You promised. And I’m sorry, but if this is your hardest… It’s not good enough.

I just saw
[ Posted Wed, 19 Oct 2011 01:30:41 ]

Ewan Mcgregor have sex. In a movie, of course.

Naturally, that just makes me want to have sex with Zac.

GODDAMMIT.

…or at least, just naked Zac would be nice. ^w^

Tagged with: mmm naked Zac

"While our blood's still young, it's so young, it runs"
[ Posted Tue, 18 Oct 2011 23:00:59 ]

I think I’ve noticed a slight trend to the moments when I don’t feel as miserable as I usually do. I feel young. Carefree, in a sense. I think that’s why I love the song Sweet Disposition so much. It makes me feel like the rest of my life may be like that, and that’s a good thing. I can’t really explain it though, and I feel as if the reasoning for that is that I am not used to such a feeling. I can’t explain something that is so fleeting…

I’m not sure right now anyways, because I am not feeling that way as of now. xD I was just thinking about how nice it would be to feel that way…

I just watched UP
[ Posted Tue, 18 Oct 2011 04:11:12 ]

and cried for basically an hour and a half. xP

I don’t know what to do now. This is one of those times where I realllly wish Zac was awake. I would like to be with my dear Zacry right now…

I don’t know. This is one of those rare moments where I am not actually completely miserable at such a late hour. It feels very odd… I suppose because it’s so uncommon. I wish I could explain this better. I guess I could say the future doesn’t seem as glum as it usually does.

I don’t know. I’m crazy.

I just really like Zac.

FUCKING COLLEGE
[ Posted Mon, 17 Oct 2011 21:29:49 ]

Because of Zac, I now wish to download a bunch of movies that Ewan Mcgregor is in, but I CAN’T. AND I WANT TO WATCH THEM ALL. BWAHHHHHHDAMMIT.

I can't sleep.
[ Posted Mon, 17 Oct 2011 02:56:00 ]

My eyeballs hurt.

I don’t know what to do. I wish I didn’t think so much. About living. And how I don’t want to be.

It’s really just… it’s not fun. But it’s what I think, it’s how I feel. And no matter how hard I try, I just can’t change it. I want to go to fucking sleep so I wont be tired tomorrow, but now I can’t do that because I am requiring a distraction so that I won’t pour salt into my healing piercings.

Fuck this. I should have taken benadryll. It makes me tired.

TAKE ALL THE DRUGS.

I was thinking again today, about how people use chemically produced drugs everyday and think they are okay, but weed isn’t okay. Even though it’s natural. And wonderful. I just. I really can’t comprehend why people think it’s so bad. The answers you receive from people are just terrible reasons, and I want to know why it’s really so bad. All I get is “It’s illegal”. and/or “It kills brain cells”. That is literally IT. I have heard no other reasons for why people consider this drug ‘bad’. It’s just really fucking pissing me off at this point, because I can’t even fucking smoke weed. I can’t take drugs that make me feel better, but other people can take drugs that make them feel better. That isn’t fucking fair. Just because they are feeling physical pain, and I am feeling emotional pain, I get the worst end of the deal. You know what, I much prefer physical pain to emotional pain. BUT OH WAIT, weed makes that shit feel better too. Got a headache, smoke some weed. Stomach hurts, smoke some weed (but not too much)… Sore, smoke some weed. BUT NO. I CAN’T DO THAT. I can’t take a drug that makes me feel better and has virtually no negative side effects (except when I eat too much and my stomach hurts the next day. xD But that is my own damn fault lulululul). Instead, I have to sit here and be fucking miserable. I have to think about how I don’t want to live. I have to feel my ear hurting, and my arms and legs being sore from working. I’m not allowed to use harmless means to make myself feel better. That’s just a load of fucking bullshit.

I was thinking of how I would write a long message when/if I were to kill myself in the future. It was difficult, because I could never convey my feelings into words. When I imagine doing this, I always include a few key things, but the details change every time. I always apologize to my parents for spending so much money on me, when I just end up killing myself. I honestly feel bad about such a thing, because it seems like such a waste, or at least I feel it would seem that way to them (although they would never say it). I always say that I don’t want anyone to be sad, and I don’t want a funeral. That would just give people more reason to be sad. Tonight I thought about how I wouldn’t want to be on the news. I always imagine showing this to my parents (well, someone else would do it. It’s always Zac in my mind, but if I were to kill myself, I would most definitely not be dating him any longer. That would be terrible! I don’t think I could do that to him… so I don’t know who it would be, but it would be someone). I find that part hilarious, because they would read all this stuff about sex and drugs and shit and they couldn’t even get mad. xD Tonight I thought that I should add to whoever read this first to NOT notify anyone until the deed was done, and if they did I would be fucking pissed off and if I was determined, it would happen eventually anyways, but the sooner the better! I always apologize for being so selfish. I wouldn’t want it to make such a huge impact on someone else’s life, but I can’t keep living (if I don’t want to) just so someone else isn’t sad. Really, the worst part about it all would be the effect it had on everyone else. But, that isn’t my fault. Like, I can’t control that. I wish I could. I wish if that were to happen, that I could just erase everyone’s memories of me, so that nobody could be sad, and I could just stop existing and there would be no more depression. xP But that isn’t how it works, unfortunately…

I really do think about this too much, and I’m sorry for being so terribly inconsiderate. Especially to you, Zac. I’m sure you don’t enjoy reading things such as this. But I need to put it down, and you need to know how I feel, but I still apologize. Ah, goddammit.

I keep envisioning it not working somehow, and they pay all this fucking money to fix me, and ship me off to a place where I can’t try anything, and I’m even more miserable than I was before… Like, I just think if someone wants to kill themselves, fucking let them. You aren’t doing them any favors by forcing them to live a depressing life. But maybe that’s just me. Maybe some people do need saving.

I don’t even want to put the effort into typing up why I feel this way… The right words elude me anyways, so there is no point in attempting to explain the unexplainable. That isn’t a word…. ah well. I just want to be happy. I just want something or someone or my fucking self to PROVE ME WRONG. GODDAMMIT! DO IT! PLEASE! SHOW ME THAT I CAN FEEL HAPPINESS. SHOW ME WHY I SHOULD WANT TO LIVE, DAMMIT! I JUST WANT TO BE FREE! WHY CAN’T I FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT?! WHY CAN’T I FEEL WHAT I WISH TO FEEL? drsixfhrudsgh FUCK THIS. I JUST WANT TO GIVE UP. And I fucking will, too. Eventually. Not yet, not yet. I’ll give it some time, I’ll provide a time period in which something SHOULD change, and if nothing does, if I can’t change anything, if my emotions stay the same, then I give up. I’m not doing it anymore. If I have no reason to exist, I see no point in continuing to do so.

Tagged with: FUCK, FUCK, FUCKKK, LET ME BE HAPPY OR SOMETHING, LET ME SLEEP DAMMIT, drugs, fuck, living, weed, I just want to be free

FUCK
[ Posted Sun, 16 Oct 2011 23:44:29 ]

WHAT AM I DOING

30 Days of Ewan
[ Posted Sun, 16 Oct 2011 21:52:07 ]

fuckingawesomewan:



Day 22 - Photo of Ewan that makes you smile

Every pictures in which he smiles make my day. He's a very funny person so many of his pictures make me die laughing. But this in particular makes me smile and feel good because is with three person I have always admired a lot and I love the fact that they're friends :)

LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME ZACRY.

Tagged with: PLEASE ZAC, GO GAY FOR EWAN AND MAKEOUT WITH HIM, AND LET ME WATCH

I just want
[ Posted Sun, 16 Oct 2011 21:43:20 ]

to cry a river.

I WANT NAKED ZAC
[ Posted Sat, 15 Oct 2011 10:55:04 ]

HE’S SO FUCKING CUTE DAMMIT COME HERE

alisahelene:



Tagged with: look he's a hipster

HE'S IN BIG FISH.
[ Posted Thu, 13 Oct 2011 21:58:40 ]

I JUST FUCKING REALIZED THAT. SORRY IF YOU TOLD ME THAT BEFORE, BECAUSE I OBVIOUSLY WASN’T LISTENING. NOW I AGREE MORE THAN EVER ON EWAN MCGREGOR’S AWESOMENESS. THAT MOVIE IS SO FUCKING GOOD AND HE WAS WONDERFUL IN IT OMG. LET’S WATCH IT ONE DAY. UNLESS YOU DON’T WANT TO. XP

Tagged with: ewan mcgregor, zac

I just want to live with Zac. xD
[ Posted Thu, 13 Oct 2011 17:31:12 ]

my hall is having a condom olympics tonight??
[ Posted Tue, 11 Oct 2011 19:29:22 ]

itssimplyradiant:

and one of the activities consists of twister except instead of placing our hands on colors we're placing them on dicks and tits

all i know is that the RAs are icing dick cakes

That was so fucking hilarious, I had to reblog it. xD

We neeeeed to hang out somehow! Maybe during winter break or something, dude. I fucking miss you.

francais
[ Posted Mon, 10 Oct 2011 23:39:45 ]

I can almost understand every word of this movie, at least this part, without trying extremely hard. If I am not paying attention at all, I can catch many words and phrases. If I am watching it, I nearly understand everything they are saying. I can’t read the subtitles at all because I don’t have my glasses, and I’m so far back. Even now, as I type, I understand the gist of what is going on. I couldn’t understand one man as well at the start of the movie, but I can understand this pair very well. It just makes me really happy and stuff . xD “why don’t you like this music?” I just keep catching things. x) IT’S SO EXCITING. I’M NOT EVEN TRYING HALF THE TIME.

I wasn’t aware that I could do this.

People are fucking dumbasses.
[ Posted Fri, 07 Oct 2011 15:46:00 ]

Today,
[ Posted Fri, 07 Oct 2011 02:01:30 ]

I have been thinking about how it was at Mally’s on Wednesday.

I was thinking, what if that happens to my life after college? What if I simply move in with some friends, what if I moved in with Mally and Ryan, and had a simple job, and smoked weed everyday. I would get fat. My life would be nothing. I would have no one. I would only have distractions. I actually wouldn’t be miserable half the time, because I would be distracted so often. I would never have love and I would be alone forever.

That’s not what I want to happen. But it would be easy. And I could see it happening, unfortunately. It would probably be comfortable, and that’s why. There would be enough people living there that rent wouldn’t be expensive, and I would smoke weed all the time. I would be stuck.

Really, I feel like I’m just waiting. Like I’m just waiting for me to NOT prove myself wrong, and then die. I don’t like it. I want to be happy now. I want to be happy in the future. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but I don’t know what to do for it to be right. I don’t want to be miserable and not feel like living. I want to live, but not really because I don’t have a reason. I want a fucking reason already. But honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever get one.

Even if I did fall in love, then what? What would happen? Do I really expect that to change my life so drastically that I will actually feel like existing? Well, I guess that is what I expect, but now I’m thinking I shouldn’t. Because what if I do ‘fall in love’, and it is a disappointment? Although, I don’t expect that would happen because my version of ‘love’ is not disappointing at all, but it is impossible…

I just. Nothing is fucking worth it. I JUST WANT SOMETHING TO BE FUCKING WORTH IT. WHY IS THAT SO DIFFICULT. GODFUCKINGDAMMIT. I AM SO UPSET.

Goddammit.
[ Posted Wed, 05 Oct 2011 20:08:58 ]

Going to get me expelled and shit. I don’t care if you’re kidding or half kidding, if someone like safety hears that, they are going to take it seriously, and search my room, and I am going to get fucking expelled. Please don’t do that anymore. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it outside, because that would give passerby more reason to suspect me. But please don’t do that, I know you were playing around but please, please… I am very worried about getting expelled. ):

Seven full pages of shit.
[ Posted Wed, 05 Oct 2011 05:23:00 ]

I don’t know how I could have written any less. They said it should be around 3-4 pages, but like what the fuck. How is that even possible. xD I better get a good fucking grade on this aha.

And now, I have to study for the IN CLASS portion of the essay.

Fuck this class. Goddammit. I will have like two hours of sleep. xD

MUST GET A GOOD GRADE ON THIS TEST.
[ Posted Wed, 05 Oct 2011 03:46:34 ]

WILL BE SO UPSET IF DOES NOT HAPPEN. IT’S ALREADY FIVE PAGES AND I STILL HAVE MORE THAN 1/5 LEFT TO DO. I CAN DO THIS I CAN DO THIS I CAN DO THIS.

Tagged with: still not sure why grades are so important but ~

Sometimes, I feel like I should have a sign on my forehead that says "I HAVE A BOYFRIEND"
[ Posted Tue, 04 Oct 2011 20:57:00 ]

Oh, but wait. That would attract even more unwanted creepers.

You would think people would get the hint. Especially when you are basically yelling I HAVE A FUCKING BOYFRIEND SO THAT MEANS I DON’T NEED YOU. But I guess people are just dumbs.

Goddammit. Why can’t everyone just leave me alone. xD

Tagged with: EXCEPT THAT I DON'T LIKE BEING ALONE, I AM SUCH A HYPOCRITE

When she dropped me off,
[ Posted Tue, 04 Oct 2011 02:21:04 ]

my mother asked if we were ‘serious’. I never know how to answer that one. That could mean a lot of things. I could say yes, I seriously like Zac. xP Or I could say no, I probably won’t marry him. And then she asked me if he was ‘the one’, and I told her it sure would be a lot easier if that were so. I would like to know my future, I really would. It may give me something to look forward to. Just general things. Not even things, I just want to know who I will marry, that’s all. xD

I wish I wasn’t so stupid. Goddammit.

The winter makes me more depressed than usual. Get ready for an even less fun time, dearest. You were never actually with me during the winter; February doesn’t count. I spoke to my Aunt Cindy today, and she said that there really is something where weather or seasons emotionally affect people. I don’t know how far I would go with this, all I know is that I really, really dislike the cold, and I seem to get cold far easier than normal people. When I’m cold, I can’t focus. I remember taking that IB Maths exam in the freezing cold, and I couldn’t even remember math, all I could think about was how cold I was…. It’s unfortunate that it’s usually cold on my birthday. ):

Also, I can’t wear cute things when it’s cold. Which is irritating. I can’t make cool outfits. I have to layer up and look stupid and I don’t like it. I mean, I don’t give a fuck what other people think about my outfits. But it’s fun to make cute outfits and now I can’t. D< What am I supposed to do with all of these clothes? I have like no fucking winter clothes, and now I have to be outside all the time because I have to walk to class and such… D: OH NO. I DON’T LIKE THIS. GODDAMMIT IT’S ALREADY MAKING ME ANGRY.

Winter is just. not a good time.

I want Zac. I just want to stop being miserable.

Are you related to Yoda?
[ Posted Mon, 03 Oct 2011 22:44:38 ]

aye-kyle:

Cuz Yodalicious. (;



More FYEC reading
[ Posted Mon, 03 Oct 2011 01:38:00 ]

This shit was talking about how we evolved from macromolecules, and how they are like tiny robots, and eventually made single celled organisms, then a bunch, and bacteria and fish and reptiles and then us but with simpler minds and stuff. It would be really interesting if humans survive longer than I assume they will, because I’m sure we would evolve even more. That’s just cool. I wonder how we would evolve.. I can’t know, and I won’t ever know, because it takes so damn long. xD I’m just assuming that we won’t live long enough to evolve that much, which is disappointing. We could have gotten so much better! Like, people think it’s amazing what we can do now, but just think of how our bodies and minds would evolve in the far future, if we could live that long… But even if we don’t kill ourselves (which is what I am assuming will happen) the sun will do whatever it’s gonna do, and then we will die sooo. Unless we find somewhere else to live, which is also unlikely. Then again, I am just pessimistic… I wish I could know what it was like far back in the past, and far into the future.. just to see the differences. I wish I wasn’t so tired, because I find most of that stuff interesting to read about, although at the end it got more dull.. and now I must write about it. WHICH IS THE WORST PART. I have no idea what to write. ):

I know I say this often
[ Posted Sun, 02 Oct 2011 21:54:00 ]

But sometimes I really, really feel like I will not live long. I’m pretty sure if I did kill myself, I would jump off of the tallest thing I could find. That would be the most fun and easy way, I think. I was wondering before if I could ever do anything else, and I don’t think anything else sounds as good. I don’t want to do anything toooo painful, and I would want something quick, not slow.

Ah, that’s not the point though. xD I was just thinking today how I don’t feel close to anything or anyone, and how I am not attached to anything of this world. I don’t like feeling lonely, but at the same time, I feel like I have no one. And I don’t make effort to see anyone anymore besides Zac. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t really want to do anything, and most of the time I don’t really want to live. Everything I do seems like a distraction. I don’t know what happiness is, I don’t know what love is. If I ever do fall in love, what is that going to do for me? Do I expect that to be my motivation to live? I don’t really know anymore. I don’t know why I seem to need a reason to exist. I guess it feels like a waste if I have no reason. I really just don’t see the point if I am miserable, and I don’t know how to change being miserable. I suppose that’s where I assume love would change things.

I just think that life is so stupid. At least, whatever this is now, is just dumb. I don’t even know. It’s like.. I have always liked fantasy, imaginary things. I have never been one to agree with reality. .. I just think that everything is fucked up. xD I don’t understand anything or anybody, and I can’t even say what I am trying to say. Words can never fucking express what is inside of me. That is the most frustrating of all. I cannot make another person understand me, because I can’t express what I am feeling. I want to be close to someone, and I can’t even do this. Goddammit. And yet, I try and try again. This seems to be the one thing I don’t quit at. Trying to convey my feelings. And I never succeed, so I don’t know why I keep it up. It’s just giving people misconceptions and shit. Whatever. Like I give a fuck.

WHAT DO I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT. I just wanna.. I want to WANT to do something! I want to have a reason to be here, because I have no fucking clue why I am here otherwise. I don’t really want to be. But perhaps I will want to be, if I find what I want even though I don’t know what that is. I want to stop thinking about all this shit. It’s just depressing. I am just. not a fun person.

I don’t understand why I have so many emotions about other things when I don’t even want to exist. I feel like I should be apathetic about these things, but for some reason I am not. Like crying after sex, why I like you so much, or being upset over a museum outing with another girl. These things are unexplainable emotions, and try as I might, I can’t get the words out right.

Goddammit. WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME

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